Tuesday, October 02, 2012

3 Ex's And A Funeral...

Roy's dad, RoySr, passed away last week. He was 89 years old and lived a good life. He will be missed.

I am not a person who enjoys family get togethers and make it a funeral ...well, that's too much for me. I have never been to a "visitation". To Roy's family, it was a social gatherin' to talk about RoySr and visit with old friends. And Roy's Ex-Girlfriends!!

Roy's a catch!!

I don't like funerals or funeral homes or anything to do with the dead. I stayed off to myself behind a plant... in the sun... and a had a hot flash!! Of all the times to be sweaty!! Roy could introduce me to his old flames at any moment!!! So I went for ice water and some cool spot in front of an air vent, when Roy found me. He pointed out a woman with teeth missin' and said she used to chase him around in high school. He had no desire to be her beau!

I just laughed at him... Silly Man!

He went back to minglin' and mixin' with folks comin' in to pay their last respects to his father, when his brother come over to me and said "You need to get in there, his old girlfriend just came in."

I just laughed at him... Silly Man!

I have no problem with Exes. What happened before me is in the past... and I don't care. And then Roy came back to tell me his old girlfriend had shown up and she wanted him. "All I have to do is crook my finger and she will drop her panties right here!"

I just laughed at... Silly Man!

She wears a mullet! But he was right! She couldn't keep from touchin' him!! I couldn't help but laugh out loud!!

On the way back to the hotel, Roy began to rethink his whole "crook his finger and droppin' her panties" thing, becuz he said, "do not let her get you alone. I'm afraid she'll hurt you." And he was serious! So I agreed that I wasn't gonna make any trips to the bathroom for fear of being Shiv'd by her in the bathroom of a Church!

Luckily, she didn't show up. But as we were sittin' there watchin' the people file past the casket and hug and shake hands with Roy's sister, I noticed another one of Roy's Exes!!

His Ex-Wife!!

I thought she might come with her kids but I just let that thought go out just as quickly as it went in... and there she was!

"Honey!" I elbowed him. "Look who's here!"
"What?" he couldn't here me, I was on the wrong side of him... his kids were on his good ear side. I pointed up at her.
She hugged my sister in-law and my mother in-law and walked out.

Hold that thought.

While the service was goin' on, Roy's uncle was sittin' behind us and had a spell... he's almost 90 yrs old!! There were whispers of 911 and ambulances, as he was escorted out of the sanctuary. Roy followed his cousins and his uncle out... his uncle is like his 2nd father!!

Roy came back into the service in time for the family to have alone time with RoySr for a final farewell. It was our turn to walk past the casket... we stood up... and I'll be damned if I didn't loose my balance!!
 I wore flats!!
No Heels of any kind after what happened the last time!!

 But No, I Still lost my balance!!

I grabbed Roy's arm and his face went red and he looked at me like "OH NO! NOT AGAIN!"
I just smiled at him a weak smile, "no, no. I'm fine."
I took 3 steps... NOTHING HAPPENED... whew!! all was good!!
I stepped aside and found a seat away from the family so they could have their alone time and not worry with me and my issues. His cousin came back in and said her dad was gettin' better, that Roy's Ex was with him at the moment so she could be with the family. Roy walks up and sits with me. I told him his uncle was better and his ex-wife was with him.

 "WHAT! WHY?" He was shocked!!

I have no idea of why he was so surprised by her being at a funeral of her ex-father in-law or being so kind to his uncle but I figured there more to her than he says.

I do have moments of being a grown up. They are rare. But I do. I invited his ex-wife to stay for lunch with the family.

See. I know how to be a grown up.

But That Bitch had some ugly shoes on her feet!!! UGLY!!

And I digress...


Giggles said...

I've spent entirely too many hours in funeral homes...

That's when I realize my life and my ex-husband's life are still way too intermingled. But I promise my shoes are ALWAYS way hotter than his crack head girl friends :)

Gina said...

I'm sorry to hear about Roy's father. Happy to hear that you made it through the funeral and services unscathed by ex-girlfriends and flats.

Jill said...

Ohhhh dear... lol If there's anything I've learned from my far-too-many hours spent in funeral homes, it's that things never run smoothly!! The best thing is just to laugh at the little episodes that happen!

When my cousins passed away two weeks apart two summers ago, my brother spent his time dodging his ex-girlfriend, who showed up at both visitations. I thought it was actually pretty nice of her (they'd been dating for 6 years, she knew both cousins quite well) - but still a little awkward for him and his new girlfriend at the time, I guess!

Sorry to hear about Roy's father. It is a comfort though to say it was a long life well lived, though, right?

Stacie said...

Sorry about Roy's dad, but so glad that you guys know how to make even a serious situation translate into a funny story!

Impulsive Addict said...

What?? No pics of the ugly shoes? COME ON!

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hate hate hate funerals. It doesn't matter who died, I always have to cry. And I cry at weddings. I'm overly emotional I guess.

Thanks for linking up!

DysFUNctional Mom said...

I was so hoping for a cell phone pic of the shoes!
What a hoot!
Oh and sorry about your loss & stuff.

oliveoyl64 said...

oh crap, talk about funerals is NOT funny business. But talkin about falling off your flats and the ex with the ugly shoes..now THAT is funny.

I just found you through seriously shawn. When you have me laughing in the first post I read, I know I need to wear a depends before reading. Maybe you should put that on your header LOL

BillieRyder said...

Sorry to hear about Roy's father. I know this is late in coming but I haven't looked at the blog in months.