Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Sex, Gas, And The Mechanic…

One day last week I was feelin’ a bit horny so I text’d  Roy our code for sex, “Come home and take out the trash.”
He came home, ate supper, took a bath, and went to bed… no sex! He was too tired.
So the next day I had things to do in town. While at Hellmart, outta the corner of my eye I spy one hot guy! And add that my Facebook status… “Holy Crap! That Hellmart mechanic is hot! I need a lube job!”
Over supper, Roy and I discussed the day and I asked him about a TV for the bedroom and if he got my text about it. NO! Crap! I really want a new TV for the bedroom. But he said, “I did get a text about a mechanic and you needin’ a lube job!”
I just smiled.
Later he while he was takin’ his bath, he called out to me, “do you want my bath water?”
“not if you farted in it!”
Which starts the whole conversation about fecal matter and his shit/gas separator and there wouldn’t be any fecal matter in the tub… we have this whole argument about fartin’ in the tub all. the. time.
When he did finally get out and was dryin’ off, he said, “in 30 minutes, I’m gonna give you a lube job. And you better be ready!”
OH YEAH!! I went to the bedroom to “prep” with Hitachi my Japanese boyfriend.
30 minutes later Roy comes into the bedroom and says, “close your eyes and pretend I’m the sexy hot mechanic coming to lube you up.”
OH YEAH!!! Put me in coach, I’m ready to play!!
So we’re engaged in passionate love makin’… or freaky pretend role playin’… whatever… when I suddenly have the urge to fart.
I have my butt cheeks clenched together hopin’ that will keep me from blowin’ Roy’s balls off.
It just keeps buildin’ up. No matter how tight I clinch, it’s not goin’ away!!!
And if he’s willin’ to not fart in the bath tub or the swimmin’ pool, then I can refrain from fartin’ durin’ sex!!
And then I have the most horrible thought! What if my shit/gas separator doesn’t work properly?!
So I put my hands on Roy’s chest and push. Buck my hips in odd ways all while still clenchin’ my butt cheeks together. Well, Roy, bless his heart, thinks that I’m really… REALLY… gettin’ into it and he shifts into overdrive.
Which makes matters worse! But my one savin’ grace, is that in overdrive, there is so much slappin’ noise being made that if a little gas slips out he won’t hear it.
Thankfully, Elvis sings Viva Las Vegas and I can relax most of my body… not my butt cheeks.
Roy is happy he got to take out the trash.
And what little dignity I have is still intact.

Link Up!!
Seriously Shawn and Impulsive Addict

Stacy Uncorked


becca said...

OMG how hilarious but think of it this way you got a butt workout which means i couple more session like this and you'll have buns of steel ..LOL

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Shawn said...

I so should not have read that while at the doctors office...people are staring at me! Too funny! Now Roy still believes you have a velvet tush!

Jill said...

Oh my ... this was definitely my entertainment for the day! LOL!!!!

Lin said...

Holy shit, this post just made my day. Talk about starting your day out with a laugh...thanks hon!

We've all been there, sadly not all of us have your backdoor strength :/

Impulsive Addict said...

OMG! That is hilarious! The difference between you and me is I would have let 'er rip and kept up the tempo! A little fartin' during lovemaking never hurt anyone! ;-)

Thanks for the funny link up!! xoxo

Heathers Happenings said...

Holy shit that is funny! I always get a serious case of gas during sex, then laugh my ass off cause I farted during sex. Hubby just looks at me funny and keeps on going :)

Stacy Uncorked said...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You ROCK. That is all. :)

Power Company Power Play, Crazy Tattoo Idea, Wine Opener Fail, Cool Egg Yolk Tip and Hysterical Autocorrect: RTT Rebel

Gina said...

This is the funniest thing I have read in a while! Hilarious. Okay...so I loved it so much I can't believe I haven't followed you sooner. I'm hooked now and all over this?

Chell said...

Can't stop giggling!

Kristin- kwr221 said...

Bahahaha. Too funny!