Sunday, September 30, 2012

A Must Read Post...

There has been a death in the family and there's stories to tell! But so we all are on the same page, you need to read this entry from Years Ago...


With Respect... this one time Roy and I attended a funeral for a friend and partner of Roy's. He died at relative young age, 62 I think, with cancer. So sad.....
As he was a retired cop, he received the full treatment! The honor guard and the Chief was in attendance with a few of the other "Brass". Roy and I sat right behind the Chief. Roy still carries a deep respect and fear of the Chief.
I do not.
The cops have two uniforms, one for summer and one for winter. The winter one is what is important to this tale. It is long sleeve and they have to wear a tie along with a black patent leather strap the goes from one hip in the front and over the opposite shoulder to the hip in the back.......I leaned over to Roy and ask, "Honey, What is that black strap thingy they have on, is that for formal affairs?"
I said it loud enough for the row in front of us could hear this. I know this becuz a woman turns around and tells me what it is.......Roy leans over ever so slowly so as one can't see him move......a skill he learned in Marine Corps boot camp......and thru gritted teeth ever so quietly, he says, "SSSSShhhhh."
I didn't even look at him!!
I could see he was RED!!
But I made my point!!
You see, Roy NEVER WORE the "DRUNK STRAP"......and that was a HUGE DEAL....It's Called a drunk strap becuz when a drunk has you by the strap, he is in control!!
I knew full well what I was doing!!
But what goes around comes around........
This funeral lasted 2 hours. And I sat there stock still and not fidgeting like a small child. I was not going to bring any further shame to Roy.
2 friggin' hours!!!
Now people, when you die, make arrangements ahead of time to have someone that knows you or someone that can maintain composure during the eulogy. The man doing this funeral didn't know the deceased man at all. And the one that did just cried the whole way thru.....I couldn't do it for a close friend either, I am just too emotional!! But I swear to you that I thought that minster was going to have an alter call!!! It was getting pretty preachy!! I had a cousin once do his own father's eulogy and he did a great job. Retold stories and we laughed and celebrated his life at the passing of my great a grand way.
So back the cop funeral......I am sitting there fretting about the viewing of the body.
I don't do the "view".
When my Dad died, I went runnin' from the chapel and hid in the bathroom.....that was not my daddy!! He had rosy cheeks and dark red hair......the person in that casket was not my daddy! I haven't viewed a body since.
I am worried about this cop.....and I don't want to embarrass Roy any further so I am not sure what to do. I could do like normal and step out the back when everyone rises but we are in the 3rd row. I reasoned it out that I don't really know this man and it will be okay to "View" the body and move along. I can always close my eyes and it will look like a prayer.
YEAH that's the ticket!!
So our row rises and I take 3 steps and I stumble.
My foot doesn't feel asleep. So it must not be.
I am walking slower than normal becuz Roy has only been out of his cast on his leg for a week so he limps and is VERY SLOOOW.
I take 3 more steps and over she goes.....NOW....I am in the middle of the aisle.....all eyes are on me.....Roy gives me this look of "What the Hell are you doing?" and I shrug back, " I have no idea!"
I wait for him to catch up and let him go in front of me.
Two Reasons....he can't see me!
And I can walk slower and give my foot time to wake up!!!!
3 more steps and I stumble again...........Then It hits me......"OH GOD NO!!! Don't let me fall in the casket!"

So I really am praying as I approach the casket and chanting, "Please don't let me fall!"
Quick look and out the door of the chapel!!
Only to be met by Roy.....he was not laughing!! "What Shoes do you have on? Can't you walk right in one inch heels? All MY people will be wondering who the drunk woman was that I brought to the funeral!!"
and what was most important to this man was...."Thank God the Chief wasn't in the room!!"

We laugh about it now.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Sex, Gas, And The Mechanic…

One day last week I was feelin’ a bit horny so I text’d  Roy our code for sex, “Come home and take out the trash.”
He came home, ate supper, took a bath, and went to bed… no sex! He was too tired.
So the next day I had things to do in town. While at Hellmart, outta the corner of my eye I spy one hot guy! And add that my Facebook status… “Holy Crap! That Hellmart mechanic is hot! I need a lube job!”
Over supper, Roy and I discussed the day and I asked him about a TV for the bedroom and if he got my text about it. NO! Crap! I really want a new TV for the bedroom. But he said, “I did get a text about a mechanic and you needin’ a lube job!”
I just smiled.
Later he while he was takin’ his bath, he called out to me, “do you want my bath water?”
“not if you farted in it!”
Which starts the whole conversation about fecal matter and his shit/gas separator and there wouldn’t be any fecal matter in the tub… we have this whole argument about fartin’ in the tub all. the. time.
When he did finally get out and was dryin’ off, he said, “in 30 minutes, I’m gonna give you a lube job. And you better be ready!”
OH YEAH!! I went to the bedroom to “prep” with Hitachi my Japanese boyfriend.
30 minutes later Roy comes into the bedroom and says, “close your eyes and pretend I’m the sexy hot mechanic coming to lube you up.”
OH YEAH!!! Put me in coach, I’m ready to play!!
So we’re engaged in passionate love makin’… or freaky pretend role playin’… whatever… when I suddenly have the urge to fart.
I have my butt cheeks clenched together hopin’ that will keep me from blowin’ Roy’s balls off.
It just keeps buildin’ up. No matter how tight I clinch, it’s not goin’ away!!!
And if he’s willin’ to not fart in the bath tub or the swimmin’ pool, then I can refrain from fartin’ durin’ sex!!
And then I have the most horrible thought! What if my shit/gas separator doesn’t work properly?!
So I put my hands on Roy’s chest and push. Buck my hips in odd ways all while still clenchin’ my butt cheeks together. Well, Roy, bless his heart, thinks that I’m really… REALLY… gettin’ into it and he shifts into overdrive.
Which makes matters worse! But my one savin’ grace, is that in overdrive, there is so much slappin’ noise being made that if a little gas slips out he won’t hear it.
Thankfully, Elvis sings Viva Las Vegas and I can relax most of my body… not my butt cheeks.
Roy is happy he got to take out the trash.
And what little dignity I have is still intact.

Link Up!!
Seriously Shawn and Impulsive Addict

Stacy Uncorked

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Droughts, Deer, And My Peaches…

Do you see the deer?
She’s out there eatin’ the peaches becuz there isn’t any grass for her to eat. There was also a rabbit with her… like Bambi and Thumper.
There was also coons and skunks that came around at night to eat them. The coons pooped in the driveway and the skunks just stunk up the place!! Not very good guests... sorta like relatives.
We did get 2 inches of rain over a week… so we are greenin’ up!

Link up with the lady’s… Shawn and Impulsive Addict!

Oh and the Bad Apple... The ladies did contact her and I sent emails to remind her but when you are dealin' with a person that apparently is an idiot... and that's a mild word for her... you can't expect her to come thru.
That was in Feb. And Nothing!!