Tuesday, June 19, 2012

My First Cruise…

For Nicole:
In 2002, Roy and I rode our motorcycles to Sturgis South Dakota. It was grueling!! I wrecked once, nearly wrecked twice, almost fainted, and suffered from dehydration. My ass hurt!! It was one the most impressive things I’ve ever done!! Most men do not ride their our bikes to Sturgis! I would do it again in a heart beat!!
On our way home, we went through Iowa and visited his family. While there, Roy said, “we could have gone a cruise for the same money.”
NO SHIT!!! Jackass!!
So in 2003, when my friend said she and her family were going on a cruise, she invited us. Roy likes her so it didn’t take a lot of beggin’ to get him to agree. Especially, when he found out about the topless deck!!
All the ladies lost lots of weight for this cruise and my friend said we’d all look good on topless deck!! Oh Yeah! I lost 20lbs!! I was the only “lady” and I use the term loosely… the only one from our party that went to the topless deck! My tatas were out tannin’ for all to see!
Do you know that it really hurts when your nipples are sunburned?
One of our ports we stopped at was Cozumel. I love… Roy Loves… WE ALL LOVE COZUMEL!!!
Open Bar on the cruise04bwozBeach on a Private Island!!! Pure Hedonism!!
I had 3 margaritas and 6 coronas in about 4 hours. I was feelin’ no pain!!
There was a 15 minute boat ride to the bus, then a 30 minute ride on a bumpy road back to the ship, so I thought it best to pee before leavin’ the island. I staggered my happyass to the banos only to wait in line… I mean really! Why do women take so long in the bathroom? Just yank your panties down and squat your ass and let her rip! And get the hell outta the way!!
Once it was my turn, I pulled my swimsuit bottoms down only to discover they were full of sand!!! Oh Hell!! Not only will my cooch be wet for the ride back to town but it will be rubbed raw with the sand!!! OH HELL NO!!! I staggered my happyass out the banos to the shower on the beach. There was couple using it. And there was a line!! What is the deal with lines?? I had my fill and staggered my happyass up to the front of line, and asked if I could shower with them!
Of course, the man said sure no problem!! He worked the water while is rinsed the sand out of my bottoms. I don’t know if I exposed myself or what but there was no sand when I finished. Where his lady friend was, I have no idea.
I saw Roy!
He was just standin’ there with a “woman! what the fuck?” look on his face and just shook his head and lead me off down the path to the boat. I nearly fell off the dock and got on the wrong bus! I was so trashed!
On the boat ride to the bus, I learned that the couple was newly married and I apologized over and over for my bustin’ in to their shower! I think the wife was a bit tacky by this point… I mean really! A bit of understandin’!! Please!!! I had sand in my cooch!!!
Before we got on the ship, Roy wanted to stop at shop to check the prices of booze. There were armed guards all over the docks. Roy stopped cold! Turned to me and said, “You pull yourself together! You do not want to be in a Mexican Jail!”
I sucked my shit up!! He stood me up against the wall and held me there with one hand and checked prices with the other.
I saw the newlywed couple later on the cruise ship using the shower on the pool deck, and I thought about going down and joinin’ them but Roy wouldn’t let me go… probably best.
Roy and I have been on 6 Cruises!! We love it!! It’s the only way to travel!

Stacy Uncorked
Impulsive Addict
Seriously Shawn


allstarme said...

A friend of my husband's asked if we wanted to go on a cruise with him and his girlfriend and I have so many reservations. A.) What if they're really annoying travel partners? B.) What if I get seasick? C.) What if the food sucks? I am sure cruises are totally awesome.... I just get nervous about them!

Gina said...

It's weird! I get nervous about actually going on a cruise! They seem like a lot of fun, but what if I get sea sick! I can never commit to going on a cruise!

becca said...

hubby wants to go on cruise but the idea of being in the middle of an ocean frightens me somewhat

Nicole said...

hehehehe.... that's hilarious! And come on they shouldn't have been holding up the line :). It's all good, right :).

Stacie said...

Cruises are wonderful, but you get used to not paying for anything while onboard. We almost stole dinner at Wendy's when we got back because we were so used to not paying!

Jill said...

This is just...priceless. AND makes me want to go on a cruise!

Terra H. said...

I sooo wanna go on a cruise someday...and not just for the topless decks. Oh, and I wanna go to Sturgis someday too.

Impulsive Addict said...

I was proposed to on a cruise. Sadly, it's the only one we've been on and that was over 10 years ago. Hubby prefers going to Mexico and laying on the beach. I think he didn't like the swaying of the boat. He's such a baby. Plus, we each gained TONS of weight from the food that's offered 24 hours a day! We love Cozumel though. Sounds like you had a good trip! Sand on the coochie and all! =)

Date Girl said...

Lol, way to crash a honeymoon. You gave them one hell of a funny story!

I really want to try a cruise out someday.

Stacy Uncorked said...

OMG you crack me up! I would so love to go on a cruise with you some day - I think you'd be such fun to get wasted with. ;) I've only been on 3 cruises, so I have some catching up to do. And sadly, none of them involved butting into a newlywed shower to rinse sand off my hooch. ;)

Summer Heat, Christmas in June, Misspelled Fun, and 20 Mules

gretchen said...

You have stories to tell, girl! I'm afraid my tatas haven't seen the sun for 20 years. They would scorch! Sounds like FUN! The cruise, not the burnt boobs!

TMW Hickman said...

When we went on our cruise it was to Alaska, so no tatas were displayed. I agree with Roy about no Mexican jails--do NOT go there!

Emmy said...

I think I would be peeved if some stranger came and asked to shower with us too- just saying :)
And sounds like you really enjoyed yourself