Tuesday, March 13, 2012

The Wedding, Spanx, And Bitches…

Link up with IA and Shawn!!



My nephew Lil’Bub was married this past weekend. He’s a pretty good egg! When he was a baby, he would stay with me while his momma went to high school. I spoiled him rotten!
He cried to come with me and was with me so much that people thougbaby photo 001ht he was mine becuz we looked so much alike… he’s a ginger! I was born with bright red hair… yes he’s mine!old photos 004
He’s in the middle… and the old photo is me.
His momma didn’t like it all that much but that was then and this is now. I have apologized for all the mean things I did to her back then. And we both laugh about me being such a bitch to her.
See. I have matured over the years.
Anyway, my sister, RubyJune and her kids and I drove 200 miles to Southern Oklahoma… a place I had sworn I’d never go back to… They were mean to me when I lived down there… but that’s where Lil’Bub lives so… here we go. While we were talkin’ about dresses and what every one needed for the weddin’… some people forgot stuff… The only thing I forgot was sugar and creamer for my coffee! I told my sister and niece about Spanx. My sister is size 6 and my niece maybe a 4 needed some Spanx to smooth out the bumps. My niece has a great figure but with Spanx, she had no pantie lines. My sister has had babies and has a tiny pooch but with spanx she was smooth. Every woman needs some sort of undergarment to smooth her out!! The two ladies had what I would call a singlet or Onesy! With a cut in the crotch for peeing… My sister loved it! She had no problem with the whole thing. I have made a convert in her to the world of Spanx! My niece on the other had just couldn’t get it down. Well, not literally. Every time she went to the restroom she had to undress becuz that peein’ thru the hole just freaked her out… or maybe she was too drunk to do it!
The weddin’ was beautiful. What Weddin’ Isn’t??? The bride was perfect and of course the groom was sharp as a tack!
When we got to the chapel, I asked the lady in charge of the place where to put the gifts. She told me so I was tellin’ people where to place the gifts. Being all helpful! That’s me! Becuz I’m mature that way! I turned to my brother’s wife… we all call her TheDevil… and said, she could place her gift on the table. And she turned to me and made a face like a 4 year old makes when she’s being pissy! And I said, “Oh So that’s how you want to be. I can do it. I can play that way too!” And she walked off!
Bitch! I will slap a hair lip on that face! Take her to the parkin’ lot and stomp a mud hole in her!
My sister was standin’ over in the corner and shook her head. “I thought we were gonna be adults.”
“She started it!”
A bit later I standin’ in a corner and TheDevil and my brother walked by, and I called her a bitch loud enough it the whole foyer heard it!
When Lil’Bub’s mom showed up I went up to her hugged her neck and told how much I missed her!! And stopped. Damn it. No one saw! I moved out to the middle of the doorway to the chapel and did it again and was much louder… we hadn’t made a big enough scene… we both just laughed about it later!!
Make faces at me! That Cow! Is that any way for a Deacon’s wife to act?? I Think Not! Me yes. I’m a heathen!
Well, after the weddin’ and my actin’ up… Bub and TheDevil didn’t stay for the reception. Which didn’t really bother Lil’Bub becuz That Bitch isn’t called the TheDevil for nothing! And of course, while we’re all standin’ around talkin’ about TheDevil, I throw my arms up in the air and shout, “ Woooooo The Devil Has Left Me!!” to the entire room.
Which embarrassed RubyJune… and my nieces… and my little nephews… Lil’Bub took it in stride!
And speakin’ of embarrassin’ RubyJune… remember she wouldn’t let me wear a hat… well… I opted for a feathery headband!!
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She said it looked like I had a bird on my head!!
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Bub, Lil’ Bub and Lil’Bub’s Momma.
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My peeps… and we had a ball!
I saw a man in his underwear... at the chapel.
We were pulled over by the Highway Patrol… received a warning for a broken headlight. whew!
I slipped on a wet spot on the floor in 5 inch heels and cracked my knee… after 3 cocktails, a tequila shot and half a beer. But I swear I hit a wet spot!!
I teased a little boy all night long… by hugging him every time I saw him. He ran from me on the dance floor.
My niece danced with all the young men… and dry humped the bride’s granny.
I copped a feel from my ex-sister in law’s sister… we’re now lifelong friends on Facebook.
I smooched on the bride’s granny… she was a super fun gal!!
We all avoided the freaky man at the bar… he looked like the guy in the slicker from “I know what you did last summer.”
And that’s all the news that’s fit to print.

10 comments:

becca said...

LMAO what a fabulous time you had and I agree it was a wet spot i'll totally back you up

allstarme said...

Sounds like a heck of a time!

Stacy Uncorked said...

You are hysterical! I so would have loved to have been a fly on the wall to watch all the antics. ;) Looks and sounds like you had a great time - especially after TheDevil left. ;)


The Lorax Fun, Jack Giambalvo Hyundai FAIL, Good Christian Bitches or Belles WINS

Connie Weiss said...

You just have THE best time don't you?

Stacie said...

Spanx are great...if you don't want to breathe! They kill me!

I am Harriet said...

There was once someone on Oprah who said that if you are ever abducted to just kick the tail light out because it's a sign to the police that there is someone in the trunk.
Fun post.
http://harrietandfriends.com/2012/03/randoms-and-tuesday/

Jill said...

hahaha!! Sounds like it was a GREAT time...weddings are the best!!!

And I don't go to a wedding without my Spanx. They are amazing.

Impulsive Addict said...

AWESOME! Sounds like my kind of wedding!!!! You are too funny!

Spanx are needed by all women. Hell, the women in Hollywood that are a size 0 still wear spanx!

Thanks for linking up another hilarious post!! xoxo

Heathers Happenings said...

Hahaha what a great time! I would have slapped the Devil out of her ha

gretchen said...

You are so funny! Nothing like a good Oklahoma wedding!