Friday, September 23, 2011

I Am Outta Pocket!!!

Way Out!!

I’ll be back in October with loads of stories of wild adventures… I hope.

Past cruise adventures… showerin’ with a groom on his honeymoon on the beach in Mexico. I was soooooo drunk. I had sand in my swim bottoms… I was fully clothed.

It took me, PanchoVilla and a lesbian couple to get Roy back to the cruise ship in Mexico. He was soooooo drunk. And fully clothed.

We won’t be going to Mexico this time.

Mick the Drunk Aussie tried to pick me up on the Alaskan Cruise.

No one tried to pick me up on the Hawaiian Cruise, as my mother inlaw was with me the whole time. Try going on a cruise and not drinking!! We had so sneak it in!!

And let’s see I’ve been to Hell and back and swam in string ray infested waters… That was soooooo scary!!

cruise 2009 004

So I am hopin’ that going to the Bahamas is no different. Well maybe not the scary part.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Talk To Us Tuesday…

This is a repost of a blog entry I did when I worked. Many of you do not know what I did for 12 years.  So I thought this was a very good way to let you know.

HiRes

Link Up with Shawn or Impulsive Addict. This is a great link-up that the followers and other players actually visit you. I don’t understand link-ups that the people do not visit all the peeps that link-up… what the fuck? Why link-up?

Anyway…

I was a vet assistant.

************************************************************************************

Once upon a time in a land not so far away, lived a man that thought he would never ever own a cat. But one day while camping a lump of fur in the shape of cat mosey'd into his campsite. Having such a warm heart to all creatures, he took pity upon the lump of fur shaped like a cat and took it to his favorite and very wise veterinarian... the one with the very beautiful vet assistant!

The KindHeartedMan dropped off the Lump O'Fur with the Beautiful VetAssistant and said. "Do what needs to be done."

She smiled ever so sweetly, "Sure thing!"

The WiseVet takes the Lump O'Fur out of the carrier and exclaimed in highly technical veterinary terms, "Holy Smokes! This cat is full of fleas!"

So with that diagnosis the WiseVet proceeds to pill the Lump O'Fur with a product that kills fleas. He takes ahold of the Lump O'Fur by the head and cocks its head back causing the mouth to open. He then throws the pill to the back of the throat and quickly shuts the mouth... but not before the Lump O'Fur spit the pill out.

The WiseVet turns to his Beautiful VetAssistant and says,"Grab on!"

Gripping the scruff of the Lump O'Fur with her left hand and steadyin' herself with her right, the Beautiful VetAssistant was ready. The WiseVet grabbed the head of the Lump O'Fur and cocked its head back causing the mouth to open. He then throws the pill to the back of the throat but before he could close the mouth, the Lump O'Fur thought he would like to close his own mouth. He did so, biting the slow but WiseVet on an open wound on his finger. He quickly releases the Lump O'Fur and clamps down the wound to put pressure on it to keep from losing any blood... Which brought on a cussin' fit like the Beautiful Vet Assistant is prone to do... It is called a Blue Streak!

And the pill was spit out on the table.

Rethinking the whole procedure, the WiseVet asked the Beautiful VetAssistant to hold the fronts legs also. So she grabs onto the scruff of the Lump O'Fur with her left hand and grips the legs with her right hand. The WiseVet grabs the head and cocks it back causing the mouth to open. He then throws the pill to the back of the throat and quickly closes the mouth.

The Lump O'Fur has had enough and contorts itself around until its back feet are on the arm of the Beautiful VetAssistant revealing its switchblades! The Lump O'Fur slashes the wrists of the Beautiful VetAssistant which brought a cussin' fit like she is prone to do. She quickly releases the Lump O'Fur and clamps down on her wrist to put pressure on the wound and not lose any blood.

And the pill was spit out on the table.

The WiseVet thought it was time to bring out the highly useful and very expensive piece of veterinary equipment to subdue the Lump O'Fur. "Go get a towel!"

So now the Beautiful VetAssistant has the Lump O'Fur wrapped in a towel and WiseVet grabs its head and cocks it back causing the mouth to open. He then throws the pill to the back of the throat and using a syringe, he pushes the pill down and quickly closes the mouth.

We all breath a big sigh of relief as the pill was not spit out.

The KindHeartedMan came in later to check on the new addition to his family and consult with the WiseVet. He asked the Beautiful VetAssistant, "How's my Cat?"

She smiles ever so sweetly, hiding her wounds, at the KindHeartedMan that never thought he would ever own a cat, "He is doing just fine. We will draw blood from him later."

And all is right with the world.

Just to let you know..........The Lump O'Fur turned out to be a beautiful and very loving Persian that someone had turned out. He was not harmed in anyway. He sat calmly on the table lickin' the blood off his claws. I am sure he was thinkin' of his next move while we went running for Band-Aids!

Monday, September 19, 2011

Cowboys, Turtles, And Packin’…

I’m gettin' to be a pro at this… 6th cruise!!

Headed to Galveston and board a Carnival Cruise ship bound for the Bahamas.

I’m so excited!!!!

The Babysitter for the cats is ready to go. She’s not too excited about Ruffles but… he pretty much takes care of himself.

IMG_3502 

He’s even bigger than that now. But still too little to be set free. There has been talk of keepin’ him for a while and even an outside pool. Remember how big they get??

alligator-snapping-turtle

Yeah.

I’m excited.

No Really! If you’ve ever seen him do his ballerina moves, you’d think about keepin’ him too.

Anyway…

I’m tryin’ to talk Roy into stoppin’ in Dallas on the way home to do the tour of Cowboy Stadium… I want to do it!! I’ll stomp my foot and pout if I gotta!!

I can hardly wait!!!

Thursday, September 15, 2011

WTF…

wtf3

Link-Up with WTF and J-Dubb 

 Friend Me!!! Not a requirement… I’m needy. That’s all.

FB16

And I would like to say that I’m sorry for any stress and anxiety I caused over my last entry… I’m just ornery that way.

Okay on with J-Dubb’s Questions.

1) I recently received a gift from my employer for making it through five years of employment. It was a stupid pin and keychain. What would you want your employer to give you for a five-year gift?

 I would want a pin to throw in a drawer to find later and say “Oh yeah! I remember that shitty place.” I have a pineapple pin from Hardee’s.

And I want a gift certificate to purchase something I want… it’s only 5 years so maybe a certificate to lunch somewhere.

 
2) The fall season of television is starting. What show are you excited to have return or what new show are you excited to make its first premiere?

 CSI and Survivor. I also like The Big Bang Theory.

I am not too thrilled by Ashton Kutcher being added to 2 1/2 men but I’ll have to watch at least one episode of it to see what happens to Charlie. The whole reason I watched it was Charlie. Not he is my favorite actor or anything, I just liked to see what his character did.

 I’m gettin' tired of How I Met Your Mother… Let’s meet her already!!

3) One of my favorite restaurants recently added a chocolate fountain. What would be your favorite thing to dip into the chocolate?

 Not a fan of public chocolate. Some bozo sneezes or wipes a booger off their finger and then dips it into the chocolate… gross!!! NO!!

You’ve been to Buffets… it happens!!!


4) I've bought more things on eBay in the last couple months than ever before. What is the last thing you bought over the internet?

Books… I think. Or videos I can’t find local. I do not shop online so much. I’d much rather get out of the house and go shop at the mall or where ever. I want to touch it and try it on.


5) If you come across a homeless person on a street, do you give him or her money?

 No. They will just spend it on booze or drugs. They get free food at the day shelter. And they are right back on the streets.

There is a supposedly homeless man that works a corner off I44, he has a sign and dog. The sign says he’ll work for food and dog food. He is always there. ALWAYS THERE!!! He doesn’t work! He can go right down to the truck stop and apply at the MickyD’s or the Love’s store to work and earn money respectfully. He gets more money on that corner!!! Lookin’ all pitiful with that dog.


6) If you knew you were about to die and had the opportunity to write your own obituary, what is something you'd want to make sure is included?

I Am a Byrd You Not Change… Fly High Free Byrd.

7) State fair season is in full swing across the U.S. What is your favorite thing to do at a fair?

 I haven’t been to the Fair in years. It’s something I’ve outgrown. I like to walk down the midway but I’d rather watch the cattle show or the pony pulls.


8) By some weird twist of fate, you wake up as another person one morning and must carry on with his or her life. What do you miss most about the person you were before?

Well, that would depend on who I turned into… I could turn into Roy. He’s a male version of me… with a tad bit more maturity… and hairier.

If I turned into a slob that hangs around the house in her jammies and a baggy sweatshirt… I got that covered now.

If I turned into a sexy supermodel… well then not a stretch… tall, thin, and look good in a bikini… and I’d miss nothing.

If I turned into a rock star… still I’d miss nothing. I can now sing and look good in tight pants.

Or a local Indian Chief… I’d get to govern (boss people around and sling orders)  the people and create programs that help my tribe with all the money we rake in at the casinos. No I’d still miss nothing.

So this is a question that I not really sure how to answer… Okay, I’d miss my sense of humor. It’s all mine. MINE, MINE, MINE.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

O!!!! M!!!! G!!!!

Get a cup of coffee and sit down!
You may need a whiskey!!
The other mornin’ I was layin’ in bed goin’ in and out of sleep… I could hear a motor runnin’. It sounded really close. George was a little antsy too. So when I became more aware of what was goin’ on, I could see lights in the trees that line the driveway. Someone was in the driveway!!
I tiptoed over to where I could see out the window and yep! There was a pickup sittin’ there with a couple of boys in it! There were 2 other pickups in the road, parked so that the drivers could talk to each other and blocked the pickup in my driveway. I just watched. When the trucks in the road moved, the other one pulled from the driveway. The passenger leaned out and pushed over my mailbox!
WHAT THE HELL!!!
Someone from the other trucks, picked the mailbox up… cream can and all… and threw it in the back of the truck!!! All the trucks took off to the north!!
GASP!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!! NOW I’M PISSED!!!
I am freakin’!! I went lookin’ all over the livin’ room for my cell phone and once I had it, I wasn’t sure if I call 911 or *55!!! Shit!! I was so nervous and pissed, just wasn’t thinkin’!! I finally got a 911 operator and I was so flipped out, I could barely convey what the hell just took place.
You know I freak out soooooo easy!!
I went runnin’ outta the house and jumped in the pickup to follow those little bastards!! That is my fuckin’ mailbox and I want it back!! I by God painted that cream can pink and it’s mine!!
So as I get to goin’ on the road, there are broken parts of mailboxes all over the road where the little bastards have taken the neighbors’ mailboxes too.
And I guess seein’ that I wasn’t being picked on… that other’s were being fucked with too… that I come to my senses and stopped followin’ the boys. So I turned the truck around to go back home.
And the damn thing stalled.
Can it really get anymore shitty? Can it???
By now, the local police had caught to me and was on the trail of the boys. But he stopped to talk to me, and offered to take me back home. Another pickup that was followin’ the cop, said that they would take me home… which I was in no shape mentally to think… and that I had NO IDEA WHO THESE MEN WERE!!!
Oh they took me home alright. And they watched me walk into the house. I watched them walk back to their truck. And I watched them stop and START WALKIN’ BACK TO THE HOUSE!!! They knew I was home all alone!!
OH HOLY FUCK AND SHIT!!!!!
I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!!!
I WENT FOR THE GUN!!!
Just as I walk outta the bedroom, one of the men kicked in the backdoor!! I did what Roy had told me to do. “Wait for them to be in the house… Aim for the middle, squeeze the trigger, and hold on tight!”
I was so scared!!! I mean just shakin’!! I put 2 in his chest and he went down. The other man was tryin’ to talk me outta shootin’ at him but when he stepped over the threshold and was in my kitchen, I fired at him!! He dropped right there!
Blood all over my new carpet!!
 I AM SO FUCKIN’ FREAKED OUT!!
 I just shot 2 men!!
AND THEY WERE BLEEDIN’ ALL OVER MY NEW CARPET!!!!!
I’m lookin’ for more ammo, when a neighbor comes in the backdoor, “Don’t shoot!! It’s me!!! Susie!! You’re Okay!! Don’t Shoot!!!”
She and her friend come in and doin’ their best to calm me down.
 “I need my husband. I need Roy!!”
Her friend is into Buddha and looked like the Dalai Lama… He says, “Deep Breath. Be Calm.”
I took a deep breath…  



And then I woke up.


Really, The Dalai Lama in Oklahoma?? What the Hell???

Link up With IA or Shawn!!

Wednesday, September 07, 2011

It’s Almost Cruise Time!!!!

In less than 20 days, we leave for Galveston!!! WOO FRICKIN’ HOO!!!! I am so lookin’ forward to this!!! One of my FaceBook Friends is going on the same cruise. I can hardly wait to actually meet her in person.

I have all the things I want to take and some I don’t… extra fat on my ass. All my fault. I’ve known about this for months.

You see, I thought I was gonna be laid up recoverin’ from surgery and I didn’t want to waste all that hard work at the gym by going to mush… so I just went to mush anyway… STUPID!!!!

I tried on my cocktail dress… the one with all the bead work… it’s heavy!! Roy hates it. It makes me look old. Whatever! I love it!! But I couldn’t get it on over my hips!!!

So I had to go shop for another dress. I came home with two.

I started the gym again. I work harder when Roy goes. I feel compelled. I’ll walk 4 miles with him there but only 2 when I go. I work more with the weights and he doesn’t so I would say it evens out.

He hit the 2500 mile club, yesterday. Woooo hooo!!! Now he can slow down and work on his body more. He’s a lean man and doesn’t bulk up like some but when I first laid my hands on him… his stomach actually… OMG! solid as a rock!! Sigh.

Well, I’ve fattened him up. He’s still in good shape though, he tips the scales at 200 and not 165!

Anyway, I’m just ramblin’.

I didn’t to the link-up for Wednesday like normal… it’s about holidays and that involves family… and that’s just not a good subject for me. Holidays are just another day to me and Roy.

Like Labor Day… He worked. I sat at home. Like every day.

Surgery… not until after the cruise and I’m still not on the schedule. Oh Well.

Roy was pissed. He wanted it done before the cruise! We had a “Come to Jesus Meetin’” and I set him straight! NOTHING IS FUCKIN’ WITH MY VACATION!!

And that’s all I’ve got… What’s up in your world??

Thursday, September 01, 2011

No Cat Comes Between Me And My Carpet!!!

I was so tired and sore when I went to bed the day we got the carpet, I just knew I would sleep until noon.
At 5:30am, I rolled outta bed and slowly walked the carpet to the bathroom. I was still pretty groggy and I sure wanted to go back to bed.
And then it happened!
I stepped in something wet!!!!!!
I was wide awake and hoppin’ to the bathroom to get a washcloth to clean up what ever it was… cat pee or vomit or hairball!!!
I had no idea!! I could see cats wipin’ their paws on the carpet as if to cover something and when I flipped on the light, there was cat shit on my new carpet!!!!!!!
Damn the wet spot!!!!!
I quickly cleaned that up and went to lookin’ for the wet spot. I retraced my steps, back and forth and couldn’t find it!!
So I laid down spread eagle and waved my arms back and forth and pushed with my feet across the floor… I musta looked like I was swimmin’… and a lunatic!!
But I found the wet spot!! It was about the size of a quarter. And as I’m cleanin’ that up and cussin’ the cats… I look up to see Scooter with his butt to the wall. He was shakin’ his tail like they do when they are markin’ their territory… and he was peein’ on the wall.
That was It!! I totally lost it!!
I went to scoopin’ up cats in pairs and puttin’ them out in the laundry room! Manny and I had a knock down drag out, He didn’t want to go!! But I won!! 5 was put out. George stayed out with me. He has manners. He is the good cat!!
Roy didn’t roll outta bed until 10am. He asked, “what are you doin’ up?”
“Guardin’ my carpet!!!” and told him the whole story about Scooter. Scooter got blame for everything. His the one that always does it!! He’s a rude little bastard!!
I passed an Executive Order: All cat will sleep out in the laundry room at night but George. He sleeps with me and Roy. He has manners!