Thursday, June 30, 2011

Post Number 1000!!!!

Yep! 1000! That’s a lot of Bullshit and Laughs!!

And I’ve made many fun friends along the way… Big Okie Hugs to All.

Raise your Shot Glass of Tequila for the Next 1000!! Woo Hoo!!!


That’s all I got of that.

This is my Road Trip Vlog… took me forever to get it loaded to YouTube!


So Happy 1000th post to me!!

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Humpday Q And A…

We Want To Know!! Join in on the fun. I even have a question in the line up this week… and it’s not a slutty question so don’t panic!

Link-Up brought to by…


Go to either Impulsive Addict or Janette or Mamarazzi or Seriously Shawn to get in on the link-up. It’s been fun!

1. What was the last thing you searched for online?

Meg Cabot books… Princess Diaries and other teen books… I was lookin’ for somethin’ with an adult theme. I’ve read all of the Queen of Babble and the Heather Mills series.

2. If we visit your home state, what is one MUST we should do before leaving?

I’m an Okie… Visit Discoveryland!  I went there 4yrs ago or so… The Deal Breaker.

3. What do you think pharmaceutical companies should invent a pill for that isn't on the market yet?

Of Course I want a new drug, One that doesn’t make me sick. One that won't make me crash my car. Or make me feel three feet thick… Yeah okay that is Huey Lewis but still.

And being the shallow person that I am, I’m not gonna say one to cure all ills. Nope. I want one to make me thin. Not rail thin. Just 10 or 15lbs or so. I tried that one pill that… can’t even think of the name now… but it makes your poop orange. I do not want my anti-fat pill to make anyone’s poop weird. I just want the fat gone. I used to take dexatrim a long time ago. I did really well. I kept my weight under 130… and then they took it off the market. Damn it! I mean really! How hard is it to take One Pill A Day!

Like birth control… one pill a day. Are there really women that can’t remember to take a pill every day? All I had to do was hear that baby cry or change a shitty diaper and I would think, “Did I take that pill? I don’t want 2 of these bawlin’ shitty things!”

No. I never got Mother of the Year Award.

Wait. I’ve drifted off subject.

Allie! That’s it! The diet drug that makes your poop orange!!

And if you do try it… don’t fart. I’m just sayin’.

4. Comes from Me and Amber… When was your first kiss? Was it good or bad?

I was 9. And it was good. For a 9 yr old. No tongue. But so sweet. The Little Rooster from next door… Oh I loved him!

5. Come from VandyJ … What is your guilty pleasure tv show that you can not miss?

My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding… there I’ve said it. I dvr it so I don’t miss Those Dresses… OMG!

Be sure to click on all the links to check out was awesome people these ladies are… even if you don’t link-up.

And If you make it to Oklahoma… Check Out Discoveryland… despite my ravin’ review.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Ringworm, Bull’s Eyes, And Paranoia…

2 or 3 weeks ago, Roy said, “look at this spot. Do it look like a bull’s eye?”

That’s what we do. Look at each other’s spots, odd bumps, and weird hairs. He had a spot on the back of his knee that was round and crusty.

And I said, “It looks like ringworm.”

“No. It’s looks like a bull’s eye.”


“Honey, did you pull off a tick from there?”


“Then how could it be a bull’s eye for lymes? It’s ringworm!” And I gave him some anti-fungal cream. I walked off and forgot all about it until last Sunday when he said, “Hey, Babe! Look at this. Does it look like it’s bigger and more bull’s eye shaped?”

Are you freakin’ kiddin’ me??

“Honey, yes it’s bigger but it still looks like ringworm! Didn’t you use the cream I gave you?”


Men!!! And this one is EXASPERATING!!!

Monday midday, I text him at work, “Call your dr. to check your rash.”

He did. And his doctor said, “Ringworm. Use an anti-fungal cream blah blah blah…”


Monday evenin’ the back of my knee was very itchy and when I looked back at the spot, it looked like I had a tick attached to my skin.

“Honey!! Come look at this! Is this a tick?” It’s hard to tell becuz I’m all freckly.

He got the flashlight… like they do on CSI… and picked a tiny engorged tick off my leg. He said, “we need to keep an eye on that. And stop scratchin’ it!”

So every day he checked the tick bite and every day he pronounced “It’s getting’ bigger! I think it’s formin’ a bull’s eye. You need to get it check for lymes disease. And stop scratchin’ it!”

I knew he was dead serious when Thursday mornin’ at 4:30am, he was lookin’ at the back of my leg lookin’ at it with the flashlight again. “Get it checked today! and stop scratchin’ it!!”

It was payback for me sendin’ him to his Doctor! Now I had to go to mine!!

She said, “no, it’s not a bull’s eye but let’s do a round of antibiotics for preventive measurements.” That means “becuz You People ARE NEUROTIC we’ll TREAT YOU ANYWAY!!”

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Letter 29…

The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to talk.
Easy letter to write… that would be no one.
I tell everything to Roy. Period.
One more letter to go and I’ll be done with this project… it’s taken a year!

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Buyin’ The Perfect Swimsuit…

There was a time that I didn’t even own a swimsuit. I didn’t lay out or go to the lake… Just didn’t need one.
And then I married Roy. We travel. We spend the weekend in Branson and use the pools and hot tubs so I bought a swimsuit. Just one. Technically, it’s a swim dress. When I was 17 and pregnant I went from a size 0 to a 14 in less than 9mths! Good bye string bikinis! Another reason not to have a swimsuit… stretch marks! 150 miles of stretch marks!
So Anyway, once we bought a pool, I bought many suits. I have so many, I’ve lost count! And I mostly just wear the bottoms when it’s just me and Roy. But for the next cruise, I want something new. So off I go to find something cute and that covers all the stuff I want covered… NO SUCH LUCK!!
All too tight! I don’t want to look like I a stuffed sausage!!
Or made for someone that 6 inches taller than me!!
And now I’m frustrated. I’ve thought about makin’ my own but there are no patterns available… odd! I suppose I could use my panties or my skorts to make the bottoms… hhhmm… something to think about.
But what I did was, grab the one I wanted in a size that is too big but I know I can alter to fit… it’s just as cute as it can be and only $25!
All the swimsuits that are made for us Fat Bottom Gals are so freakin’ expensive!! Another reason to make my own!
So the first thing I do when I get home is try it on… and I’ll be damned! It fits like a glove and is still super cute!!
I may go back and get another in a different color!
Moral of the story… by a swimsuit 2 sizes too big and be please that it super cute and to hell with what the tag says.. cut the damn thing out!

Just for the record... sex on the big floaty is most fun and No, Tracie, that will be left to the imagination. No Vlog... You're so cute.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

What We Want To Know…

It’s that time again…


LinkUp with Impulsive Addict, Janette, Mamarazzi, and Seriously Shawn.

There are near 50 people that link up with this… who wouldn’t like to meet 50 people?? I managed to make to everyone last week and make a curtain… and do the laundry.

So these are the QandA:

1) What is the best or worst pick up line you have ever been given?

Do you know where I can get Lucky?

I worked at a convenience store I wore  a TShirt that said, “lost Dog. One eye missing and blind, 3 legs with one ear… that answers to the name of Lucky.”

Many men told me where I could get Lucky. But only one I asked… Roy.

2)What is your most and least favorite day of the week?

Mondays! Why are hairdressers closed on Mondays? And my favorite resale store? And the Casino Restaurant? All the things I want to do… closed!!!

3)How many hours of sleep do you require each night? 

I need 8 only get 5… I have been that way for years!

4)Is there a song that takes you back in time? What song is it and what memory is it attached to?

I listen to the classic rock stations… all of them! Every song takes me back. The best little story to tell… I was 14yrs old and I told my daddy that my most favorite song was Slow Ride by Foghat!


5)What is your biggest guilty pleasure?

My Japanese boyfriend, Hitachi! A must have!! He even goes with us on vacation!

Now link up!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Monday, June 20, 2011

Whatta Weekend!!

A few weeks ago, a tornado destroyed Roy’s Brother’s home. And then to add insult to injury, someone burned what was left to the ground. That’s an evil person that would do that sorta thing!

Anyway, Roy got his chainsaw ready to go help on Saturday. He was dreadin’ it! He doesn’t mind helpin’ but still… dreadin’ it!

So much so, that I beat him at bowlin’ several times Friday afternoon! He’s heart just wasn’t in it.

He perked up at the MONSTERTRUCKSHOW!!! Back on Thursday night he was called in to work late becuz of a water leak at the fairgrounds where the show was being held… they gave him free tickets!!

Pretty Flippin’ Cool!!


The best part of the show was the ToughTruck Races… and a car won! It’s like Baja racin’ but on a smaller track. Totally funny!

We are so Redneck… Date Night at the Monster Truck Rally!

But I wasn’t sure who was Roy’s date… me or the lady that was practically sittin’ on his lap! I think she was doin’ that to try to scooch him over… Didn’t work. Roy is as stubborn as a Missouri Mule!

And some man groped my hair on his way by! And I thought, “Damn! Did he just mess up my hair??!?”

You know me, I’m all about my hair!

It was about as bad as the time I had some strange man standin’ behind me at a Ted Nugent Concert whisperin’ in my ear, “I’m sorry about bein’ all up in your business..”

Then back that shit up!!

I was practically dry humped!!

And now some strange man fondled my hair!! You can' touch my legs, arms, and even touch my boobs But… Dude! Keep Your Hands Outta My Hair!!!

Saturday: Roy headed to OKC and I loaded up and headed off to Owasso to play GiGi for the day.

061801_1125[00] I had fun. Roy did not.

I taped parts my road trip so I’ll try to piece together a vlog for later.

Sunday: Father’s Day… and no calls from Roy’s kids. Par for the course. But hold that hand out at Christmas!!

We were lazy all day… That’s what Sunday’s are for… Resting!

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Letter 28…

To Someone that Changed My Life… The man that gave me life… my Daddy.
old photos 007
I was 4. I was posin’ and I still pose at 4aaahhh... 35ish! My daddy was 21.
dad and us
I was 7 1/2, my brother was 3 1/2 and my baby sister was 2 weeks old. Daddy was 26ish.
248927_10150215899681037_795321036_7025080_2170632_nBut he will forever be 35.

Thank You Daddy for teaching me to be fearless.
For teaching me to keep my mouth shut at the all the right times and not making a scene.
For teaching me to be ON TIME... and way too early to any and all commitments.
For teaching me that if I do something, do it right.
For teaching me that if I say I'm going to do something, that I do it.
For sheltering me from my mother.
For being the best parent this kid had.
For making me the person that I am despite what that woman did to me.

And I miss him so much.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Vlog #2-- Bowlin'...

I've gotten much better... I've just forgotten to take the camera with me.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

HumpDay Q & A…

Yes it’s We Want To Know Day!!!
Brought in part by Impulsive Addict, Janette, Mamarazzi, and Seriously Shawn… Each are very lovely ladies with a good sense of humor.
They must or I wouldn’t have stuck around this long… Give Impulsive Addict some love, she ill with Strep. Though Strep was one of the best diets I was ever on… it’s just horrible to be sick in the summer!
On to the Q&A…
1} You have been asked to give a 10 minute speech to teenage girls. What is it about?
 Stop Being Stupid.
O!M!G! It’s Like, Oh I don’t know, Teenage Girls are Like So Dumb! Like you know, They obsess over Stupid Things Like boys! WE all know that Boys are just Dumber than like you know, Teenage Girls!! OMG! Like This One Time When Roy and I were at the Bowlin’ Alley, This group of Teenage Girls were “bowling” and their like “boy” friend came in to join them and the boy decided he needed to like grab one the girl’s phone and there right in front of me, while Roy was bowling, they had a wrasslin’ match over the phone, one girl was hit in the face and went running to the bathroom, I guess to check her nose for blood, But anyway the wrasslin’ match moved closer and closer to me and I was like all weirded out and thought I was gonna like get in the big middle of it. I am so outta practice of fightin’ with Teenage Girls… I mean I was fuh-reeaked!
Wait. Where was I?
Stop Being Stupid.
It is bad. B-A-D! Bad!
Does that Valley Girl thing show my age or what?
{2} A question brought to us by McKenzie: Do you have a pet? Tell us about them. No pets? Why?
Oh do I have pets! Let me tell you. I have 9 cats, 3 outdoors and 6 in the house. 2 dogs, Ralph and TrixieTheWonderDog. Ruffles the Alligator Snappin’ Turtle, and some fish… some for Ruffles and some that are in the spring flooded cellar outside that have been in there for 15 years. All stories about my critters are in the section The Animal House.
{3} A question brought to us by DateGirl: What is the biggest inconvenience about the place you’re currently living?
It’s an old farmhouse… I’m talkin’ old. Over 100 years old… and it was remodeled in 1964 by one of the Indian Chief’s and was in that current condition when we moved in here in 1995. And it had 4switches in the fuse box.
Think about that for a moment. 4 fuses. And a modern family with hair dryers and microwaves moves in… the house had to be rewired.
And the carpet, like I said before, is so old, it rips when it’s vacuumed! I’m gettin’ new carpet!! Woo Hoo!!!!
{4} What do you think is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?
Divorcin’ that lazyass bastard EarlLee and Marryin’ Roy!
{5} What are the THREE "nevers" of your life? (things you would never do or have never done)
             a: Use Tide. Roy and I… had… well… uahm… hhmm… an affair… with each other… and well Roy would come to our super secret love nest smellin’ all Tide-ish becuz that’s what HIS WIFE USED!!! So no I do not and I refuse to use Tide. Never. Ever. I am not gonna be triggerin’ memories of his first wife!! Oh Hell No!!
Roy will probably go buy it when I’m recuperatin’ from surgery just to mess with me.
             b: I will never ever trust the Justice system or DistrictAttorney’s or Sheriff’s Office of this county. Long Story. Just becuz someone is in a position of authority does not mean they are there to serve you in a just and fair manner. Justice in not only blind but deaf and ignorant… Trust me! Nuff Said!!
             c: I will never ever have anal sex ever… again. PERIOD! Those people that like it are nuts!! Nuff said!
And there you have it!
Link Up with the Ladies. You will not regret it!
And for all those curiously inquirin’ minds… I swallow! It’s High in Protein!!
So I’ve been told!!

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Does The Carpet Match The Drapes?

At the current moment no.

Roy and I have an agreement that when the bank account hit a certain amount, I get new carpeting for the house.

Well guess what!?!

I get new carpet!!

Huge Biggie!!! I’m so excited!!

The carpet has been in this house since 1964… and it’s really bad! I caught my toes in one of the rips one day. Roy looked at me like I was stupid becuz I tripped… Until, he caught his bigass toes in one of the rips and tripped!!

“Yeah!!!!! I get new carpet!!” I sung to him, as he caught his balance. He blushed all over… “I get new carpet!!!”

But I can’t buy it without him. It’s not that he wants to pick out the color but just monitor what I spend. And he wants a $1000 chainsaw! But whatever!

And I can’t get it until he rips out the old.

And I not allowed to do it myself… the rippin’ out part.

Or move the TV.

Or the PC desk.

He really has to be specific about these sorta things… becuz  I WILL DO IT MYSELF!

What the Hell?!!

Sorry, I had to take a break in all this action. I was surrounded by cats. I felt like a helpless gazelle being stalked by a pride of lions… my cats wanted something. Scooter was sittin’ on the PC mouse! What the Hell?

I fed them already!

They have water!

When I get up, they all run to the kitchen… What? The? Hell?


Where was I?

Rippin’ out… WHAT THE HELL!!!!!

There’s a lightnin’ bug on my ass!!

His ass lightin’ up is one thing… mine? Whole other subject! 

Oh God, It’s gonna be one of those days… Shit!

Monday, June 13, 2011

A Smattering Of Crap…

Whatta Weekend!! I’m gettin' around slow today. And I have no real organized thoughts… so here goes the crap!
Bowled on Friday, my game was all crap! Just couldn’t get my MoJo goin’! AT. ALL.
Saturday Night… I got it goin! and bowled a 174!! Woo Hoo!!
Jesse and Rowdy came over on Sunday for a cookout and a swim. Good time!! My boobs are toasted nicely. Thank Goodness for spf 90!!!
But we had a good time.
Not like last weekend when Eddie and Loretta and kids came… why do children feel the need to tear shit up?
I have this chunk of wood. Let me start over. Roy cut down a tree that had peckerwood holes in it… I kept the section. It was cool. It has two holes and a clump of fungus under the bottom hole. It sets by the bird bath in the violets under the red bud trees… my yard display.
One the those kids broke the fungus off.
I almost exploded right there! I wanted to scream at this child, “Hey! My concrete donkey is over there! Do ya wanna go break it’s leg off?”
I reigned myself in.
Did the parents say anything? Fuck No!
And my floaty… not the big island… but another one I had… they tore a hole in it. Not a word said.
Deep Breath…. Let it out… oooooommmmm…….
I am bit worried about Roy. Does anyone know anything about chronic fatigue? He doesn’t have the energy and stamina that he used to have. It’s gettin' so bad he doesn’t even want to mow. YOU KNOW HE LOVES THAT!!
That’s all I have. See unorganized.
Though I had a kinky dream about a black camaro and NicolasCage… I wish I was still that limber! YUM!
Holy Shit! It's 11am!! I've got sewing to do... ugh!

Friday, June 10, 2011

3 Things That I Said About The Turtle…


That made Roy roll his eyes.

1) “Honey, Ruffles needs a bath. He’s got green stuff growin’ on his shell!”

And Roy rolled his eyes.

“Babe, haven’t you seen these things in the wild with moss and mud all over them? You are not bathin’ the turtle!”

“I could take a tooth brush and some bakin’ soda…”


2) “Honey, I taught Ruffles to catch fish.”

And Roy rolled his eyes.

“How did you teach him to do that?”

“I just dumped a live one in there and said ‘go it Ruffles’ and he did. That’s how I taught the dog to fetch… Geez! Give me some credit!”

3) “Honey, don’t you think those rocks will hurt him if he moves them around. They are so big and he’s so wittle!”

And Roy rolled his eyes.

“Babe, he’s ‘too wittle’ to move them around! Get real!”

And then last night, Ruffles moved one of them while Roy was watchin’ him chase after fish… a trick I taught him. “Holy Shit! He moved that rock!”

“Duh! I read the book!!”

And Roy rolled his eyes, “You gonna get attached, aren’t you?”

Well, he likes me best.

Thursday, June 09, 2011

3 Things Roy Said About The Turtle…


that I found humorous.

1) Talkin’ to the cat that was bumpin’ his elbow durin’ supper, “If You don’t quit, I’ll put you in with the Big Mean Cat Eatin’ Snapper!”

Like the cat understands that statement. I mean, I talk to the cats and they totally understand me. They like me best.

2) We were sittin’ at the Hospital, waitin’ for my turn for a mammogram, and he said, “Ruffles called! We need to go home right now! Scooter is havin’ a conniption!”

Ruffles is what we named the Turtle. A characteristic of Alligator Snapping Turtles is that they have ridges on their shell… so, Ruffles Has Ridges!!

Dude!! Chill!! Mammo’s time take!! Try havin’ your testicles squished sometime! Not something you want to be rushed and done all wrong and have to do it over and over and over!!

3) After our local bait shop ran outta minnows, we were drivin’ to town… 15 miles away… to buy fish from HellMart… at 28cents a piece, “I can’t believe I’m doin’ this for turtle!”

ME EITHER!!! That turtle eats at least 5 minnows a day! At least with my opossums I could feed them scrapes of veggies and fruit that I grew!

Way back before me, he had a snake. He would buy those cute little party mice for it to eat! So buck up Babe! And buy the turtle 28cent Rosy Reds.

I would have bought it the goldfish… a much more meatier fish.

And Honorable Mention:

“Here You put the fish in there! You don’t seem to freak him out. He Likes You Best!”

Yes He Does!!

Wednesday, June 08, 2011


Yep! It’s time to link up! We Want To Know…
1) Everyone seems to have a quirky family situation-- what is something unique about your family dynamic?
Quirky doesn’t even come close to defining our family dynamic. Splintered and Alienated is a better description…There’s me and Roy. Period.
His kids do their thing. My kids do their thing. We both Hate… HEYATTTE… family functions. Whether it be his or mine… doesn’t matter. Scooter calls and we go home.
For those that do not know… This is Scooter!
IMG_3313 He is prayin’ on the Alter of The Router. He knows how to call Mommy and make her come home.

2) What is the most stressful aspect to blogging (aside from the network going down)?
Pourin’ my heart and soul into the blog and no one comments. But If A Person Gives Away Expensive Prizes… People Flock to the sight. Sounds like I’m bitter… that would be a YES.
This Blog is about my life and things that have happened to me and Roy or stories from the past about my girls. I vent. I rant. It’s true life. I can’t make this shit up! I’m not political. I don’t want to change the world. I just wanna make you laugh… at me or with me. Just comment.
I feel alone some days. That’s the stressful aspect of bloggin’ for me.

3) Name your top 3 favorite websites you flock to daily (non blog)!
Facebook is the only other thing I do online… wait, I use Wikipedia a lot.

4) What’s your sign?  Believe in it or not, does any part ring true to you?
I‘m not into the Zodiac. I was a certain sign for many years and then some bozo got the bright idea that we were all doin’ it wrong and changed the whole thing up, so I have no idea what I am now. And all those years of livin’ life by the Zodiac, no wonder my life was fucked up!
It’s like Pluto not being a planet any more.
Or some historical figure was actually gay.
What the Hell?
Seriously, On the Grand Scale of things, why does matter if Pluto is or isn’t a planet or if some long dead guy sucked cock?
Who Cares?

5) Name your favorite flavor/brand of ice cream.
Blue Bell or Braum’s… Blue Bell Homemade Vanilla is just like what my Granny used to make!! YUM!!
And Braum’s Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough with hot fudge and Calf Slobbers.

BONUS QUESTIONS if you dare..
            A.  Name the blog you credit for linking up with us today?
                       Impulsive Addict… I’m on her emailin’ list.
                       Mamarazzi has the linky thing today.
            B.  Suggest a question you want to see in future WWTK’s:
                        Do You have a College Degree and if so, Where?
                        Do You Spit or Swallow?
                        How Old were You when You had Your First Kiss?
                        Name One Regret.
                        Who is Your Favorite Super Hero or Heroine and Why?
                        It’s StoryBook Day at Your Child’s School, Who Do You Dress As?
                        What is Your Favorite Pizza?
                        Denzel Washington or Will Smith?
                       and the Eternal Question of All Times… Coke or Pepsi?

Now get with it… link up!! Mamarazzi, Seriously Shawn, Janette, or Impulsive Addict can hook you up!

Tuesday, June 07, 2011

The Curve, My X-Wing, And Crrrrrap…

So now you know the history of The Curve. Roy and I refer to it as Dead Man’s Curve. Not that anyone has died there… that we know of… But still. I guess, Roy figures I’ll crash there.
Last week, we had to take the truck to the shop for repairs, so I had to go along and pick him up. I not crazy about drivin’ Roy around. It’s like takin’ the drivin’ test over and over and over… HATE IT!! So this particular day, I was drivin’ very cautious.
And he said, “ What is wrong with you? You’re drivin’ like an old lady! That’s not normal!”
What The Hell!!!???
“Dude! You’re in the car!! You drive like an old man all the time!!”
“Well, I am old but you’re getting’ on my nerves!”
Fine! It’s balls to the wall now!
“You don’t have to drive 90mph! I didn’t say you could drive like a teenager!!”
I totally wasn’t!! I was drivin’ 65!! Yes it was in a 55 zone but that’s how I normally drive!!
90 my ass!!
So you see what I have to deal with… JackAss!!!
I am not givin’ up the captain’s seat! This is my X-Wing!
We were a mile from The Curve… Dead Man’s Curve!
And Roy says, “Don’t you dare take that curve at 50!”
I started laughin’ evil knowin’ it was the southbound way… the way he hasn’t mastered!!
“Don’t you do it! I will be very happy and comfortable if you take it at 40 or even the suggested 30!”
I just keepin’ laughin’! I am so doin’ it! He’ll just sit there and take!!
Or Maybe Squeal like a Girl!
Or Maybe Poop his Pants!!!
Oh Yeah! I’m so doin’ it!
And then he said, “I’ll turn the car off! I’ll reach over there and turn the key off! Don’t you do it!”
Well now that is a horse of different color. Just what exactly would happen if I’m runnin’ 50mph and he turns the car off???
I can’t be faced with a situation I don’t know the outcome… I just can’t wreck my car just to make him poop his pants.
So I crept around the Dead Man’s Curve.
And he said, “Now see. Isn’t that better. You didn’t really want me to crrrrap in your car.” … which sounded like the Merry Widow and her German accent. crrrrrap… roll those r’s!
I burst out laughin’, “That’s exactly what I wanted to do! Make you squeal like a girl again and crrrrap you pants!!

Monday, June 06, 2011

A Reprint…

I have a story to tell but you must know the background, and I’ve found that most people do not click on the links and go back and read old blog entries so, I’m gonna repost the story and polish it up a bit.
The Curve…
I drive 10 miles to work. Rather boring really, so I make things happen.
There is a curve... suggested 30mph curve... 90 degree curve... that I would guess it to be about 100-150 feet around... not a big swooping curve but small and it should be a Four Way stop but... it isn't.
Roy boasts about being able to "take that curve at 50" in his CopCar... A freakin' POS Ford LTD... pphfft!
Well, I ought to be able to do it in my car. That Camaro is built for it!
Problem is... and they are numerous... it is a blind curve.
I can only make attempts in the winter and fall. When all the leaves are gone so I can see if there is other cars ahead that I may meet.
And it is banked so that if you take it too fast, it slings you into the other lane of traffic. I have to stay in my lane... only 12 feet to work with.
There is a house in the crux of the curve... they generally have a frickin' dog!
A bus stopped on one side of it for a long time... until the school decided it was unsafe becuz of the curve being blind!!
I can't make an attempt when the pavement is sweaty... or in the rain... my car hydroplanes real easy. Those wide tires hit the tiniest bit of moisture and it walks all over the road!!
There are no shoulders for cushion.
I can't drive and watch my speed so I have no idea if I am doing it or not.
So I consult the Master:
"I can't watch me speed and take that curve at 50. How do I know if I do it?"
"Stop trying and just drive your HappyAss to work... safely."
"But how?"
"Look after you come out of the turn. But stop trying."
I made more attempts. It just wasn't workin' out for me. I just couldn't do it at 50!
I could manage easily at 40 and maybe 43 but not 50.
So back to the Master:
"You have to tell me the secret to doin' that curve at 50. I just can't do it."
"No and stop trying!"
"But I know I can do it in that car. It is built to do it. But 50 is just to fast to go into that curve."
"WHAT?? STOP THAT! Don't go into at 50!! Good God!! You’re going to kill yourself. You go into it at a slower speed, cut the apex and then punch it. Now stop it!"
I now know the key!! He always tells, even though he doesn’t want me try!
And I can do it Northbound without a lot of effort. It is a skill that comes in handy when I have a DickHead tattoo'd on my ass!
BUT... I can't do it Southbound!!
Back to the Master:
"I almost have the curve figured out. But when I go south, it throws me into the other lane of traffic if I do it too fast and that isn't good. It’s banked all wrong. How do I do that?"
"SOUTHBOUND!!!! STOP TRYING TO DO THAT!!! You can't do that southbound! It is banked all wrong!! You're gonna get hurt! Stop It!"
"No, really. What's the trick? If you can do it, I can do it."
"I am not tellin' you. And I didn't make any attempts to do southbound!!"
"Okay, I will just have to figure it out on my own."
"Oh Lord!! Go at it slowly and find that point in the road that you can punch it and hit 50 coming out of it. You will know it, you will feel the right spot. But Stop trying!!!
So off I go to battle the curve... it is a long battle and I will win!
I am a Jedi and My Car is my XWing Fighter... The force is strong in this one!
And I have a 5 gallon bucket of balls to boot!
So Last Friday, I was feelin' pretty damn good about life.
Sammy and I were singin' about havin' the best of both worlds and how we may never be here again.... So I went for it!!
I honed it down to me and the road... I took that curve... in my lane and not slung over into the on-comin' traffic!!
I have snatched the pebble from the master's hand!
After 8 years of battle, I have mastered the curve... northbound and southbound at 50mph!!!
Let the pigeons fly!!!
"Honey, you know that commercial where the two red cars are racin' along side by side and one spins a donut to the right and the other cuts one to the left??"
"How do I do that?"
"I AM NOT TELLING YOU! And you make ONE Attempt, I will take your keys from you!"

I've heard that before!!

Wednesday, June 01, 2011

We Want To Know Wednesday…

This link up is brought to by Impulsive Addict, Janette, Mamarazzi, and Seriously Shawn.
Come On Peeps!! Link Up!! We could all use more friends.
This Week’s Questions are from Impulsive Addict… I love these questions!!!
1). If the blogging world had a talent show, what would your act be?
If the talent show was x-rated, I’d do well. I have no real talent. I really don’t. But Roy swears there’s a tattoo on the back of my neck that says, “For Adult Entertainment Purposes Only”.

2). What's the most likely reason you might become famous?
This blog. I hope. In dream world, I see myself being approached by Hollywood or the Valley… where the Porn stars are… and this blog being made into a movie or sitcom. I’m not PW but I am just as good… in my mind. Or become famous at the x-rated talent show.
3). What question are you repeatedly asked that you are tired of hearing?
As a kid, I used to hear all the time, “Do you chew tobaccy?” Or “Do you know how to spit your tobaccy?”
Seriously!! All. The. Time.
I have a cluster of freckles on my left cheek that was darker than the rest of the freckles. It’s looked like a splotch of tobacco spit!!
Well. I have not tanned my face in years, so you can’t even see the dark freckles anymore. One more reason not to tan. I’m a White Woman and Proud of it!
And yes, I can spit my tobaccy right!
4.) What's the last thing you broke?
One of the precious Jelly Jar Glasses. I was makin’ Roy a margarita and the ice chunk wouldn’t go in the glass. So I just pushed and the glass broke slicin' my finger with it! Roy loves his Jelly Jar Glasses!!
5.) Finish this sentence.  I can't believe I used to ________.
I can’t believe I used to have a crush on DavidCassidy. Did you see him on CelebrityApprentis?
I can’t believe I used to be a cheerleader. I did. I only did it for the pompoms and then didn’t have any!! Bummer.
I can’t believe I used to be able to do flips. I was gonna be the Next Nadia! I did turn a cartwheel last summer! Roy told me to quit before I hurt something… killjoy!
I can’t believe I used to be able to run the 220 in 27 seconds!
I can’t believe I used to be a size 0. I was 17. I hope to some day be a size 10! That’s the only way I’ll have a 0 in my size again!
I can’t believe I’m near 50… in 3 1/2 years!! But still. Is it any wonder I can’t do flips or run the 220 or be a size 0… at least I’ve honed my bedroom skills into a fine art!