Thursday, March 31, 2011

Roy, Scooter, And The Boss…

Roy wanted a big dog. I’m not crazy about big dogs. I like little dogs, house dogs. Not big honkin’ couch hogs! And defiantly not a Rottweiler!

Roy wanted it for protection. My basset hound was hateful but not protective. My schnauzers barked but at birds, and cats, and rabbits, and everything. So he was always runnin’ out to see what those damn dogs were barkin’ at… nothing.

I told him that he would have to commit to that Rottweiler the same sorta commitment he made to me… to train that dog to mind and not kill the little dogs or the cats. Or hurt any children… No ifs, ands, or buts!

One day a little old man decided he was too old to handle his dog, a 6 month old Rottweiler puppy, so he brought it to the clinic for us to find the puppy a home. I called Roy. He was on duty but he can runnin’!

“He’s 6 months old so he’s young enough to be trained and that habit of chasin’ cats can be curbed. He’s back in the kennel. Go back there and see if he’s what you want.” I told Roy. I was too busy with clients to show him the dog myself. He went back and looked around. He came back to the front.

“Where is this puppy?”

“He’s right there in the first run.”

Roy went back again to look at the puppy.

He came back, “That’s not a puppy!! That’s 100lb dog!!”

What did he expect a 6 month old Rottie to look like??? All small ball of fluff with puppy breath?? It’s not a poodle! It’s a Rottweiler!!

“That’s him. He’s name is Boss. Do you want him?”

Oh, he wanted him alright!

Scooter on the other hand was not thrilled.

Turns out that Boss was very well behaved without a whole lot of trainin’… though Roy trained him with cookies to sit and stay. They would wrassle and romp all over the place. Roy would load him up in the truck just to take the dog for rides!

10

Boss was not the least bit interested in cats. He would sniff them but never once gave chase, or growled. Not even when Scooter hissed and swatted him!! Any time Boss was in the house, Scooter always boxed his nose and Boss just took it all in stride.

11My daughter with Scooter and Boss.

Boss never hurt my little dogs, in fact he let my old schnauzer “boss” him!

Durin’ one of the wrasslin’ matches, Boss injured his knee. He began limpin’. We doctored him with supplements and cortisone injections. Though I worked for a veterinarian, we couldn’t afford to do knee surgery. When it became evident Boss couldn’t get up and down any more, He was put to sleep after livin’ with us for 6 years.

Roy has never wanted another big dog.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Letter 26…

The last person I made a pinky swear with…

Roy,

We made a commitment to each other… to love, honor, and cherish. To have and to hold. To keep shit stirred… ‘til death do us part.

You have never done anything to let me down… ever.

You are almost… ALMOST… the perfect man.

That whole anal-retentive thing… and fidgetin’ that you do takes away points. I’m sorry.

But when you wanted a big dog, a Rottweiler, I told you would have to make a commitment to that dog as big as the commitment you made to me... To Love Me Forever… and a bathtub with feet. You came thru with flyin’ colors!!

You’re a good man.

Those Rottweilers have a nasty reputation of being mean and maulin’ children and I don’t want that sort dog in my house! You will work with that dog and he will behave and be gentle. Or you will have to put it down.

No Ifs, Ands, or Buts. He will be trained.

Deal?

Nadine

Monday, March 28, 2011

The Big H…

Yep.

Hysterectomy is in my future.

I just hope IT doesn’t interfere with my cruise!!!

I’m not worried about the surgery.

I’m worried about Roy’s work schedule.

I’m worried about my girls and Roy.

I’m worried about how long I will be down and out.

I’m worried about eatin’ Roy’s cookin’!

I’m worried about plannin’ the cruise from my bed!!

I’m worried about side effects from the drugs before surgery.

BUT I’M NOT WORRIED ABOUT THE ACTUAL SURGERY!!

It’s part of life. So roll with it.

Deep breath… Just roll with it.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

3 Things I’ve Taught Roy…

You can teach an Old Dog New Tricks!!

When I married Roy, he was 44 years old. He didn’t come with an owner’s manual. He was pretty much ruined. He was neat and organized!!

That shit had to stop!!

My first hub, EarlLee, we had known each other since we were 14! We taught each other the ways of life for many years… So he was “fixed” right! My way!

And his new wife had to deal him not comin’ with an owner’s manual. What goes around, comes around!!

But back to Roy…

1) I taught Roy the wonders of Tequila.

He was a cop. And he arrested drunks. He couldn’t drink! It just went against all the morals he was raised with… remember his mother, QueenVictoria is a tee-total’r! A woman Carrie Nation would be proud of!!

So one night, I taught him to do tequila shots. I got him drunk and had my way with him.

Led him right down the primrose path… to hedonism!! We’ve had so much fun!!

2) I taught Roy that Kleenex’s are to blow your nose not toilet paper.

Seriously.

Dude. Use the Kleenex.

He would tear off 3 sheets of toilet paper and fold them in half so that they would be the “right thickness” and blow his nose. In a few days his nose was raw for wipin’ and snottin’.

“Honey, when is the last time you used a Kleenex?

“Kleenex’s are too thin. And I just blow a hole in it.”

“They have improved.”

So when I got sick I pick up 3 boxes of the really good ones with aloe and they were so soft. He tried one.

“Huh. These are softer.”

Ya Think?!

He’s gone thru all three boxes.

3) I taught him that it’s okay to dance.

Seriously.

Dude. You can dance.

The Powers That Be will not strike you down. I don’t care what QueenVickie told you… you can dance in your kitchen… in your livin’ room… nekked in your yard.

It’s okay.

Well. Whiteboy does have 2 left feet. But I guess the main thing here is be happy and have fun.

Life’s too flippin’ short to not dance… and not drink tequila… or blow your nose on shit paper!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Letter 25…

To the person I know is goin’ thru the worst time…

Geez… who to pick??

Dear Jesse,

I am so sorry for your loss. I know what it’s like to lose a father. It isn’t easy. Not even when you know the end is near and you have the chance to say good bye. Some feel that there is closure in that… I don’t believe you will ever have closure.

Not when you are the baby girl.

It just gets easier to cope with the loss.

I’ve told you all along you have to be strong. You have to be brave. You have so many people that look you for strength and guidance. You can’t let them down. There will be a time for you to crumble into yourself but right now… be brave.

You carry the spirit of your father in your heart… Do him proud.

Love you,

Nadine

Sunday, March 20, 2011

What? Put It Where??

Oh yes Roy was freaked. He was clingy. I didn’t know how freaked he was until I woke up in the middle of the night with him rubbin’ my back. I have woke up him rubbin’ my ass or gropin’ my boobs… which always gets him laid. But this was very different. He was havin’ a moment.
I let him have his moment.
He wanted come with me to the ultrasound but was worried about work. They are shorthanded with his co-worker’s takin’ off for Spring Break. I told him it was no big deal. We wouldn’t know results that day so there was no reason he needed to be there. I’ve had several ultrasounds over the years, so it’s easy peasy!
I think I told him at least 3 times how the ultrasound worked. “you know those pictures of babies? They just use this mouse like thing on my stomach. It’s no big deal.”
Right.
So I head out to Claremore again drinkin’ a pop becuz I have to have a full bladder. I stopped to get a vanilla Dr. Pepper at the Sonic just in case. By the time I was supposed to be at the hospital, I really needed to pee! And I still had a 45 minutes wait!! So I went to the bathroom to relieve a little… I can do that. And still have a full bladder in 45 minutes!!
I sat down in the waitin’ area with a man and 2 other women to wait for my turn at the ultrasound. The Tech, was a very friendly man, stepped out to get the man and told us ladies that we could go the bathroom and pee. That he does vaginal ultrasounds and a full bladder wasn’t needed.
BACK THE TRUCK UP!!
VAGINAL???
WHAT????
I was sittin’ there tryin’ to picture him with that mousey thing either in my vagina or runnin’ to over all of my business.
DON’T FREAK!!! JUST GO WITH IT!!!
So I sat there, thinkin’ this all over. I would be a big girl and do whatever I needed to do make sure my girl parts are in good workin’ order and stay intact. I waited as long as I possible could before I went to pee again. I knew at least one other woman was ahead of me so I had time.
I just got back from the restroom and sat down, when the Tech called my name! I heard a huge sigh of disgust come from the other woman. Sorry!
I step into the room and look around. There is a hospital bed with a pillow in the middle that looks like someone just got up from havin’ sex!! The Tech asked if I have had an ultrasound like this, which was a big fat no. “It’s Okay. I’ll walk you through it.” And he started talkin’ non-stop!! I looked at his intern and she giggled.
OH GOD!!
She Giggled. For some reason, my big girl attitude washed away. This was a Beavis and Butt-Head moment!!
I followed directions. Puttin’ on the gown, no panties and no britches. He said Britches. You just gotta love a person that uses the term “britches”.
He told me how he wanted me on the bed with my bottom on the pillow… seriously. I’ve had sex just like this a time or two. I almost asked him if he wanted my ass up… but I didn’t. He said bottom on the pillow. So I did and covered up with the sheet.
He held up the this thing that made me think of a dildo that you can buy from Spencer’s but much longer and fancy. Longer.
LONGER.
Like TOO LONG!!!!
“I’ll lube this up and you will insert this…”
WHAT??
INSERT!!!!!!!!! If I put that thing in my vagina all the way it will tickle my tonsils!!!!!!!
Focus Nadine.
“…and you will insert this an inch.”
Did he just say an inch??
Whew!!!!!
“When you have it in place, I will slip my hand under the sheet and take control so that I can maneuver it around where I need to…”
Thank Goodness for that!!! For some reason, that didn’t freak me out. I only know in and out. Not around.
And I laid back and let him have his way with it.
I’m not a complete rube. I listened to what he and the intern talked about. I learned that I have fibroids and a cyst on an ovary.
When it was over, He said, “I didn’t see anything that will kill you.”
Way Cool!!!

When I told Roy, he said, “So I interviewed replacement for nothing.”

I still have to consult with the doctor to get his opinion on what to do next. I’m pleased at this point. Thank you ladies for your support, prayers, and input. It means so much to me. Much Love and Big Hugs to each of you.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

The “Oh Shit” Moment…

A few days ago I had to go in to have my pap and pelvic exam. I hadn’t had it done in a couple of years. It’s a hassle becuz I have to drive an hour and half to Claremore to go the Indian Hospital.

A routine visit.

Right.

So as the doctor was givin’ me a pelvic exam he said, “Wow!”

Not the first I’ve heard that while a man has handled my business! I wanted to say, “Thank You!”

And then he said, “Your uterus is huge!”

OH SHIT!

I’ve been told it’s tilted… whatever that means??!! But not HUGE!

“It’s like you are 18 weeks pregnant.”

OH SHIT!!!

And he said, “Has anyone ever talked to you about fibroids?”

OH SHIT!!!

No.

And then we talked about tumors, fibroids, cysts, and possible surgery… “But we are getting ahead of ourselves, let’s do an ultrasound and see what we are dealing with before we panic.”

NO FUCKIN’ SHIT!!! Too late! I’m freakin’!!

I called Roy as I walked out of the hospital. I told him I had bad news. I wanted to tell him face to face but I knew if I didn’t just tell him he would be worried to a frazzle by the time I got home.

“I have to come back tomorrow for an ultrasound becuz the doctor says my uterus is too big and he fears there may be tumors.”

“What?”

And I repeated all that again… Dude Keep Up!

He was freaked too… and clingy.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Letter 24…

To the person that gave me my favorite memory…

Dear Daddy,

I cherish every moment I had with you in your short stay on Earth.

You taught me to water ski, to ride horses and motorcycles… which got me to ride to Sturgis on my own. You taught me to be fearless.

You taught me to shoot guns, to fish, and to camp.

Campin’ didn’t stick but hey, I can still shoot and fish. I’d much rather camp at the Best Western!

You taught me to work on cars and with the right tools… which came in handy becuz EarlLee only bought me junk to drive.

Sometimes I wonder if you wanted me to be a boy.

I miss you so much!

Love You,

Your Baby Girl

Friday, March 11, 2011

Facebook, Fat Men, And Roy…

Roy heard on the news that Facebook causes 25% of most divorces.

Are you freakin' kiddin' me???

If an internet website causes your marriage to fail, you have bigger issues than just Facebook and you were destine to fail anyway!!!

I'm on Facebook all the time!!!

And he said, "One of the suggestions to prevent a divorce is to have a joint account."

OH!! NO!! HE DIDN'T JUST SAY THAT!!! FREAK!!!!! MY SHIT!!!!! PLUM OUT!!!!!!!!!!

"But Honey, you don't even like to be online, why in the world would you want to share my Facebook Page with me? Do you feel threatened?"

He told me to delete his email address. He only plays an occasional game of solitaire and is the only time he touches my computer. He really needs to read my blog to see that it's all about him... Okay maybe not readin’ it is better... That would freak his shit plum out!

Seriously, doesn't it just freak you out when a couple has the same account? They've got trust issues.

And he said, "No, I'm not threatened. But maybe I should at least know your passwords."

Oh My Freakin' Green Frogs!!!!

The man can't remember his PIN to his debit card... and he wants my passwords!!!

"Why do you get so defensive?" he says.

"Oh I don't know. Let's see. I have been with you for almost 20 years and you still question me!!!"

A few days later that argument, I had that wicked dream about fat men with small cocks, so I text him to tell him to pencil me in for sex later. That I had that unusual dream, I must be horny and I need to be tended to promptly.

He ran with that... The way his mind works is just an amazement to me. He wants to hear all the details and how he would love to see me havin’ sex with another man.

DUDE!! THAT IS TOTALLY FUCKED UP!!!!

You can’t tell me you want to share my Facebook Account to keep an eye on me and then tell me you want to swing!

Am I right here??

I think we’ve ironed out “our issues” and we do not share a Facebook account.

And he doesn’t know my passwords.

And we don’t swing.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

A Smattering Of Crap...

That's all I've got... crap goin' thru my head. Let's see what flies out.
*******************************************************************************************

I have to break up with my hair stylist. UGH!
I love what she does to my hair but she is sooooo hard to get a hold of and get an appointment!! I called last Friday at 3pm, she'd already left!!! I left a message. Here it is Thursday and she still hasn't called me!!! It been like this for a year. She's a great hairdresser!! She is thorough!! But I need someone I can call and get in a couple of days... not 2 weeks down the road. UGH!!!
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All these weird dreams must be a side effect to the new meds... or pre-menopause! The night sweats have started. UGH!!!!!!
Roman orgies on cruises, death by tornado, demon MexicanMan, sex with fat men with small cocks... anal sex at that... well then, a gal's gonna sweat!!
For the record, I don't know any fat men nor have I ever had sex with a fat man. I've had a small cock though. Just so you know... so not worth the work.
*******************************************************************************************

My ass hurts.
Whatta Segway!! Huh?
There's a new leg press at the gym. Why? I don't know. The leg press is the equivalent of doin' squats... Well, the old machine, I could press 100lbs easily. The new one... it was all I could do to get 90lbs up! 3 sets of 10!!
And now my ass hurts!! UGH!!!!!!!!
*******************************************************************************************

Roy mentioned something about goin' to OKC to visit his parents. You know how thrilled I am about that!!
"So are we gonna go this weekend?"
He said, "no maybe next. Or the one after that."
He feels guilty for not havin' gone sooner after the big heart surgery... we were ill.
But now we're not.

OH GOODY!!!!
*******************************************************************************************

And while I was typin' this all out a brilliant blog transpired... copy and paste... to be posted at a later date.

Wednesday, March 09, 2011

Road Trips, Bloggers, And Dreams…

I have been havin’ some real doosies!!!

So me, Lilly, a friend from grade school, and MissThystle, she’s my blogger friend, were drivin’ to San Diego and we called our blogger Ravnslove to meet us when we get to New Mexico. She was thrilled to show us around!

All four of us loaded up in my big Yellow Station wagon and hit the roadways of New Mexico, with Ravnslove drivin’ us down the interstate. We were havin’ a big time! She turned off the interstate on to a smaller road which was pretty bumpy on the old station wagon but we didn’t care… we were havin’ a grand old time!!

We decided we needed some cool refreshin’ adult beverages… MissThystle wanted lemon blueberry wine coolers. So Ravnslove happily went in to the store to get our drinks.

Well, while we were waitin’, MrMexican came up to the car and started chattin’ with MissThystle. Suddenly he was in the car with us!! Lilly jumped into the driver’s seat and we sped off without Ravnslove!!!

I was freakin’ out!!!! “We can leave her! We must go back!”

MrMexican growled at me!! His eyes turned red!!

He made Lilly drive out to a wild area where there were dragons and demons!!

I screamed at MissThystle “357!! 357!!”

She is packin’ a gun! I just know she’ll whip it out and put MrMexican in his place!!

And she did! You don’t mess with her!

I pushed Lilly out of the way and drove back to the store to get Ravnslove!!

And I woke Up!!

Thank God!!

 

I have know I idea where any of that dream came from…. I can’t spin any of the symbolism into real life.

And I swear I haven’t had not one drop of alcohol since January 16th!!!

I’m totally dry!

I’ve never met my blogger friends. And Lilly died in 1998.

Do they even make lemon blueberry wine coolers??

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

Letter 23…

The last person you kissed…

Dear George,
Countin’ coup... You have scared the shit out of me!!
Love,
Mommy

Monday, March 07, 2011

Silly Cat Games…

IMG_2524This is George… George Herbert Walker to be exact. He is the King Cat in this house. He is the biggest weighin’ in at 16 pounds. He has a great personality. He is the only cat I would let my grandsons play with, he’s so gentle. He doesn’t use his claws except when he’s want to remind you he has them and is not afraid to use them.
He hates Manny, Jax, and Woobie. HATES!!
When they were tiny babies he avoided them, in fact, they were about 3 months old before they realized he was even in the house! He sauntered thru the livin’ room one day and they stopped playin’ and ran to hide behind me, only to peek around me to look at George. He is impressive!
He only wants petted on his terms. I can tell him “hugs and cuddles Georgie!” and he takes off runnin’. He hates to be picked up and hugged!
He and I communicate perfectly. He gives me lip when he doesn’t get his way!
He loves to hide in the shadows at night and reach out and touch me as I walk by… scares me every time!
Which brings me to my story…
George has a silly game he likes to play with me. He patiently waits on the toilet while I shower. And when I’m done, he starts purrin’ and mewin’ at me. It’s a loud obnoxious purr but a soft meow. He’s got his Purrve on!!
As I dry off, he reaches out to swat me… on my legs or my butt when I bend over.
Or he raises up on his hind legs and wants to kiss me. I will lean down and we touch noses.
He’s so happy by that!! He will raise up on his hind legs to do it again… and again.
I don’t mind talkin’ to him and playin’ his little game. He’s just so sweet!
But one day, I leaned down for him to touch my nose with his and George reached out with his paws and caught my face! I can feel his claws. I stopped dead in my tracks as this cat held my face. All I could do was squeal!
“Honey!!!! Come Get George!!!!”
“He’s just Countin’ Coup*, Babe! He just wants you to know He can take you out at anytime!”
I like it way better when he swats my ass!!!

I may hafta rethink him playin' with my grandbabies.

*(Thanks Billie!)

Friday, March 04, 2011

Counting Coo…

It’s an Indian legend… I think.

Or maybe Hollywood made it up. They talk about it in Legends of the Fall about an Indian friend they considered a great warrior.

Anyway Roy told me, it’s when a brave sneaks upon his enemy in total silence to prove he can catch him at anytime. It’s a great thing to catch coo. And spooks the Hell out of your enemies!

Imagine being an Indian brave and holdin’ a knife to the throat of your enemy only to smile and walk away.

Furthermore, imagine wakin’ up to a knife to your throat by your enemy!! That would freak my shit out!!

I suppose I could Google it.

But where’s the fun in that… and if I’m wrong. My story I’m about to tell you just will not have the same impact.

 

Stay tuned!

Wednesday, March 02, 2011

Letter 22…

Someone you want to give a second chance to…

My mom has 2nd and 3rd and 4th and 5th… I have to save myself.

So…

Loretta,

I am very shocked the way things turned out. I would have given you a kidney.

You took advantage of me and Roy. He feels you are a victim… I do not.

You had your second chance and blew it.

I’m not sure why you feel it’s okay to communicate with Roy and not me but that will end.

I am done.

Leave me and Roy alone.

Nadine