Tuesday, September 13, 2011

O!!!! M!!!! G!!!!

Get a cup of coffee and sit down!
You may need a whiskey!!
The other mornin’ I was layin’ in bed goin’ in and out of sleep… I could hear a motor runnin’. It sounded really close. George was a little antsy too. So when I became more aware of what was goin’ on, I could see lights in the trees that line the driveway. Someone was in the driveway!!
I tiptoed over to where I could see out the window and yep! There was a pickup sittin’ there with a couple of boys in it! There were 2 other pickups in the road, parked so that the drivers could talk to each other and blocked the pickup in my driveway. I just watched. When the trucks in the road moved, the other one pulled from the driveway. The passenger leaned out and pushed over my mailbox!
Someone from the other trucks, picked the mailbox up… cream can and all… and threw it in the back of the truck!!! All the trucks took off to the north!!
I am freakin’!! I went lookin’ all over the livin’ room for my cell phone and once I had it, I wasn’t sure if I call 911 or *55!!! Shit!! I was so nervous and pissed, just wasn’t thinkin’!! I finally got a 911 operator and I was so flipped out, I could barely convey what the hell just took place.
You know I freak out soooooo easy!!
I went runnin’ outta the house and jumped in the pickup to follow those little bastards!! That is my fuckin’ mailbox and I want it back!! I by God painted that cream can pink and it’s mine!!
So as I get to goin’ on the road, there are broken parts of mailboxes all over the road where the little bastards have taken the neighbors’ mailboxes too.
And I guess seein’ that I wasn’t being picked on… that other’s were being fucked with too… that I come to my senses and stopped followin’ the boys. So I turned the truck around to go back home.
And the damn thing stalled.
Can it really get anymore shitty? Can it???
By now, the local police had caught to me and was on the trail of the boys. But he stopped to talk to me, and offered to take me back home. Another pickup that was followin’ the cop, said that they would take me home… which I was in no shape mentally to think… and that I had NO IDEA WHO THESE MEN WERE!!!
Oh they took me home alright. And they watched me walk into the house. I watched them walk back to their truck. And I watched them stop and START WALKIN’ BACK TO THE HOUSE!!! They knew I was home all alone!!
Just as I walk outta the bedroom, one of the men kicked in the backdoor!! I did what Roy had told me to do. “Wait for them to be in the house… Aim for the middle, squeeze the trigger, and hold on tight!”
I was so scared!!! I mean just shakin’!! I put 2 in his chest and he went down. The other man was tryin’ to talk me outta shootin’ at him but when he stepped over the threshold and was in my kitchen, I fired at him!! He dropped right there!
Blood all over my new carpet!!
 I just shot 2 men!!
I’m lookin’ for more ammo, when a neighbor comes in the backdoor, “Don’t shoot!! It’s me!!! Susie!! You’re Okay!! Don’t Shoot!!!”
She and her friend come in and doin’ their best to calm me down.
 “I need my husband. I need Roy!!”
Her friend is into Buddha and looked like the Dalai Lama… He says, “Deep Breath. Be Calm.”
I took a deep breath…  

And then I woke up.

Really, The Dalai Lama in Oklahoma?? What the Hell???

Link up With IA or Shawn!!


Pattie @ On Hollyhock Farm said...

YOUUUUUU ASSSSSSSSS! Now I need to breath! But the same thing happened to me, no I didn't drop two guys on my "I wouldn't care" carpet, but I couldn't sleep one nite and it was 3 in the am, I was sitting in my chair watching tv and I hear a loud car slowly drive up in front and stop. The windows were open so I peeked out and watched this kid sneak up to our mailbox and start pulling up on it, I just yelled so loud and deep, "GET THE HELL AWAY FROM THAT BOX!!!". My poor grand daughter was sleeping on the couch. That kid had to crap himself, twice! With that my husband comes down and runs out, but he was gone by then. So he calls the cops. Never heard if they got him him or not. WHATS WITH THE MAILBOXES!

Jill said...

I completely had an "OH MY GOD! SHE ACTUALLY SHOT THEM?!!" moment. I've recovered. That was a HILARIOUS post, especially since I was believing every word until you said, "And then I woke up." hahaaaaa!!!

VandyJ said...

Really? Questioning the Dalai Lama after destroying you new carpet?
Dreams are weird things.

Date Girl said...

Omg! You completely had me going! My heart was pounding I was so upset. Did you really have that dream? Because I would have been so freaked over a dream like that!

Impulsive Addict said...

OMG! My mouth was hanging open! You had me completely fooled. You bitch. <---I know you like it when I talk to you like that.

It was completely believable too!

Thank you for linking up with us! xoxo

Connie said...

You just scared the hell out of me!!

Was ROY at Walmarts when all of this happened?

Heather said...

Holy SHIT!!! I need to start breathing again lol I would freak the hell out over a dream like that.

Shawn said...

You had me sitting straight up in my chair with my hand over my mouth until you said you shot them...

Can I call you a bitch too?



Thanks for linking up!

Boobies said...

OMG! I was totally freaking out for you there for a second!!

M&Co. said...

Who knew new carpet could be so dangerous?

Nicole said...


Steph said...

Holy crap. I was reading that like, this chick is totally a badass. You tricked me.

Unfortunately, in IL we can't just shoot people for busting in our house.

Great story!

becca said...

why you B*tch..lol..you totally had me going there i was totally freaking out thinking you were in danger. i about had heart failure. Damn nice job on this you rocked it.hugs

Jenn said...

OMG that was funny!