Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Husbands, Wives, And Pet Turtles…

A couple of weeks ago, Roy holler’d for me to come see what he had found and “Bring the Camera!!” I am hopin’ it’s not a half eaten dead rat. The outdoor cats like to leave them by the back door for us to see that they are doing “their thing”.



IMG_3337An Alligator Snapping Turtle.

And not very old.

Found out by the pool… Thank All That is Good and Holy that is an above ground pool!!

He’s now lives in my livin’ room. I’m not thrilled. Roy has always wanted to have one as a pet. He’s brought home others in the past but they were too big and already pretty aggressive. So he’s just let them go… which probably why I had one by the pool!!

IMG_3348 He eats worms and minnows… that live in a fish bowl in the middle of my kitchen table. And the worms are in the fridge! I really not thrilled!!


It’s pay back for the time I raised baby opossums… Read Up: Furry Creatures 1, FC2, & Furry Creatures Chapter 3.

This Turtle… I refuse to touch it. I do not feed it. I do not change it’s water. But I have saved it’s life… a couple of times. It the mother in me that made me do it.The silly thing gets stuck in the rocks and can’t move! I have to get the tweezer thingies and push him around or move a rock a bit for him to be able to get his own self out. He hasn’t offered to bite Roy… Yet! But that day is comin’! He snapped at the tweezer thingies even though they help him!!

Do you realize how big an alligator snappin’ turtle gets???



Just like my opossums, that thing has to go by the time we cruise!!

Friday, May 27, 2011

Snorin’, Sleepin’, And A Smartass…

One night last week Roy said, “what are your immediate plans?”

“Findin’ some underwear.”

“Then what?”

It’s 8pm. We’ve had sex. There’s nothin’ on TV… but I’m not ready to go to bed and I’m not sure where this is goin’.

And he continued, “are you goin’ to bed?”

Dude! It’s 8pm and the sun’s still up. He may get up at 4:45am but I don’t… he’s makin’ me feel guilty.

“No, I’m not sleepy.”

“Okay, then 8:30 or 9?”

Seriously, What! The! Hell!!

Guilt is washin’ over me. And I don’t know why.

So I head to the bedroom to straighten up the bed. I hate sleepin’ on wrinkles. HATE!!!! He just gets in despite the wrinkles goes to sleep.

After I straighten the bed up, I get in and get all comfy. At 8:15!! With the Sun still In The Sky!!

He opens the door, and is surprised to see me! “I thought you weren’t tired.”

“You made me feel guilty.”

“I didn’t mean too.”

He lays down and covers up, “I wasn’t plannin’ on you being in here.”

What!! The!!! Hell!!!!

And he continues, “Shit! Now I have to lay still. And I can’t fluff my pillow or fidget!”

And that’s what he gets!! Makin’ me feel guilty and all. NO Fluffin’ the pillow… or my ass, and NO Fidgetin’!!

But he goes on, “And I’ll lay awake for hours becuz you’re in here!”

Jackass!! “You’ll be asleep in 10 minutes and snorin’!”

“I will not!”

“Oh yes you will!”

“Okay then wake me up with it happens and I’ll prove to you I wasn’t asleep!”

And now it’s time for me to mess with his mind!!

Game On!!

I laid just as calm as could be, thinkin’ about how to form this little tale into a blog when I hear snorin’… gently easy snorin’! I let him snore about 4 times. And I rolled over and shook the bejeezus outta him. “Ha! You’re asleep and snorin’!!”

“I was not!!”

“Oh yes you were! I let you snore 4 times before I shook you!”


I rolled back over gigglin’ at him. It’s what he gets for makin’ me feel guilty! No fluffin’, no fidgetin’, and I was right!! And about 10 minutes later… he started snorin’ again!!

This time, I just giggled to myself. I had proven my point. I let him sleep.

The next night, we were chit chattin’ in bed, and I said, “Honey, you remember the conversation from last night about you goin’ to sleep and snorin’ in 10 minutes?”

“Yes, Smartass so what’s your point.?”

“Well, Honey, after I shook the bejeezus outta you when you were snorin’ and you bitched at me…”

“Yeah, Yeah, what’s the point?”

“well, I swear, it wasn’t 10 minutes after that you were snorin’ again! I just laughed at you instead of wakin’ you again.”

He just laughed, “Smartass!”

And he’s a Jackass!!

10 later, he was asleep and snorin’!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

We Want To Know Wednesday…


Be sure to Link up with Impulsive Addict or Janette or Mamarazzi or Seriously Shawn

I seriously had a hard time with this one… I’m a mess.

1.} What must you do before you go to bed at night? Pee. Otherwise, I get all comfy and realize I didn’t and hafta get back up and go to the bathroom.

2.} What is one thing you must snack on at the theater? Popcorn with lots of butter. But not very much Dr Pepper. Otherwise I have to go pee in the middle of the movie.

3.} Before going on vacation what must you do? Pee. Otherwise I make Roy stop 20 minutes from home becuz I didn’t go before we left. If I go, I’ll make it an hour.

4.} What is one thing you must do every day? Pee. 50 bajillion times a day. And feed the cats and clean the litter boxes.

5.} Is there something you do that must be done in a particular order? No. But something does come to mind that doesn’t involve peein’. Reading books. If it a series, I MUST read it in order. If I have picked up a new book and realize it’s the 3rd in a series, I’ll stop readin’ it and go look for 1 and 2, read them in order, and then read the 3rd.


PS: I seriously hope that after the hysterectomy, I will be able to pee like normal folk.

I hope.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Too Much Rain!!!

neck-1What’s in my neck of the woods??? Ever heard the phrase “mad as a wet hen”?
This is a mocking bird… and it sat on the porch all day yesterday cussin’ the rain! Let me tell ya, it was mad!!

On a sad note... As you all know, Joplin Mo was hit by an f4 tornado on Sunday. 116 people as of last night lost their lives. So very heartbreaking.

Link Up with RHOK and tell us what is goin' on in your neck of the woods.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Yeah, Right!!!

And he said, “Hey Babe. I think I need a Facebook Account.”


He doesn’t even want an email address!!

And he wants a Facebook Account???

Yeah Right!!

He said, “I want my phone to “woo hoo” 50 million times a day like your’s does.”

He hates that!!

Seriously, HATES IT!! He always asks, “Who are you talkin’ to now?” to which I reply, “The World Of Facebook.” And he rolls his eyes.

Oh Yeah, Right! He wants a Facebook Account!

He continues to argue his point, “I might have an old girlfriend lookin’ for me.”

And now we get to the heart of the matter… Yeah! Right. I’ll get right on that, Honey!


Happy Anniversary, Roy. It’s a wonder we’ve made it 17 years with your sense of humor. Good thing I have mine!

wedding photo 001 Standard e-mail view

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

We Want To Know Questions…

For the Link-Up this week the questions are…
Link-Up with Mamarazzi, or Impulsive Addict, or Shawn, or  Janette.
{1} If you could choose a Super Power, what would it be?
I currently have one. I can cast a spell through out any crowd… normally HellMart… or the bowling alley…  to any weirdo in eye shot of me and HE is instantly compelled to speak to me.
Soooo… I would like to able to become invisible. I would be able to say, “Oh My! What was that?” Point off behind the weirdo and the moment HE turned to look… POOF! I’m Gone!!

{2} What would be your first frivolous purchase if you were awarded a million dollars, tomorrow?
Tough Question!
All my purchases are deemed frivolous.
So I’m told.
I have umpteen bazillion purses and shoes. And just about that many panties and bras. To me, those items are not frivolous… the may look frivolous to a man but all those fishin’ hooks and huntin’ things look that way to me!
Soooo… if I were awarded a million dollars, the first purchase would have to be wine and champagne… to celebrate my good fortune.

{3} What would be the hardest current luxury for you to give up?
Hardest to give up would be the computer and internet service. It’s my connection to the outside world.
Geez, I sound like a prisoner. More of a hermit… in a stylish cute way.
I’m so glad it’s warming up and summer is near so I can have pool parties and drink margaritas in the sun with my friends.

{4} If you were given a choice between being given great wisdom and great wealth, which would you choose?
Well. Seein’ how as I have oodles of wisdom now and it hasn’t gotten me very far, I will have to say wealth… Just to see how far that gets me.
Purely, for scientific purposes only.

{5} If you were to be stranded on a deserted island for 100 days what 5 THINGS would you pack?
100 days?? Are you freakin’ kiddin’ me???
Shampoo! Hello!!
A sleeping bag.
Sun Screen.
Now don’t be afraid to link-up or comment. I have “Met” some awesome ladies by linkin’ up.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

I May Need Therapy!!!

I have issues.
Like you didn’t know that.
You know I’ve been havin’ weird dreams. My favorite thing to do is spin them into a cute little story and zing you in the end with, “And then I woke up.”
But this one…
I was in the bath tub tellin’ Roy about my day… which is filled with cat exploits and the latest gossip from Facebook… which he doesn’t understand the whole concept of Facebook and Twitter but I try to keep him informed… I wind up tellin’ him “Just Go With It.”
I said, “And let me tell you about my dream last night!”
“Oh Boy.” and he rolled his eyes. He knows they are always doozies!
“In my dream, I was feelin’ my boobs and discovered the left one had a huge lump in it. And I turned to you and said, “Honey! Feel this! Tell me what you think!”
He just grinned… in real life. He is always havin’ to check my moles, warts, odd things in places I can’t see or pluckin’ that weirdo hair that grows on my back or makin’ sure I don’t have a tick on my ass. He always fusses about it, but does it. Becuz, he knows who checks his odd things and ticks… me!
In the dream, He rolled his eyes and took off runnin’!!
I screamed, “what the Hell? Come back here and feel this!!”
Only he ran faster… like Grandpa McCoy!
Yep I’m totally showin’ my age on that one!! Grandpa McCoy walks with an odd limp and his elbows go up and down in a funny way and the faster he walks the funnier it looks… and that’s actually how Roy runs with his ankle and all the metal he has in it.
And I hollered after, “There’s a huge lump in my boob and I’ll bet that’s why it’s bigger than the right one!! Get back here right now!!”
And you all know that my left boob is bigger than the right one… which bugs the shit outta me.
But no he just ran and ran… and I woke up. I was so mad!
All the while he’s just standin’ there in the bathroom laughin’ at me while I’m rantin’ and ravin’ about my dream… and as he walked outta the bathroom, I’m still mad at him for runnin’ away in my dream, so I yelled, “What’s wrong with you that you wouldn’t feel my lump!!”
He came back in the bathroom with the biggest grin on his face, “You are nuts.”
You know, he could be right.

And Now You Know What's Going On In My Neck Of The Woods!


Monday, May 16, 2011

One Of Those Days…

You know the ones. Where there’s not much to really talk about and we didn’t do anything out of the ordinary over the weekend. I guess I  just have to rely on the old stand by… A Smatterin’ of Crap!

I have bought and read the latest Sookie Stackhouse Novel, Dead Reckoning. It ended with a lot of loose ends so I know there will be more to come.

I finished the latest House of Night too. Awakened. Good but again loose ends.

We went bowling Saturday night. We couldn’t get in the bowling alley becuz it was closed for a wedding.

Let that soak in. Bowling Alley. Wedding.



I bowled a great game and beat Roy by 7 pins and then I lost my mojo and could get anything!! 78, 86, 55!!!

Please!! 55!!

And then the last two games I scored a 150 and 136!! What the Hell!! I can’t figure it out.

After bowlin’ til near midnight, we went to HellMart to get some groceries. Do you know that the weirdest people shop at HellMart at midnight?? It was a mixed bag of stoners and partiers with a touch of late night dads out to get some milk and bread.

And me and Roy.

And only 1 lane open.

Seriously. One lane. With about 15 people standin’ around!!

Roy has been workin’ diligently on the pool for the last 2 weekends. And has it just about ready to go. We need to take a water sample to the PoolPeople to make sure it’s doesn’t need more Shock or extra stuff. The weather has turned cooler so he’s in no big hurry to swim.

And that’s all the news… if you consider it news… fit to print.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Talkin’ To The Surgeon…

Was so not fun!
He is a nice enough man and all but ugh!
Roy took the day off to take me. I was told that I may start a drug to prepare me for surgery and that drug has side effects and I didn’t know if I could drive the Hour Back Home Without Getting’ Sick! So Roy went along with me. You all have known me long enough to know that Roy drives me crazy when he drives my car! T-Totally Crazy!! He is a very good driver and all, we just have different styles. I tend to drive more aggressive than him. That doesn’t mean I drive wild… just different.
So when I go back for the nurse to take my vital signs, I have Over The Top Blood Pressure!! So high she asked if I was on medication for it. NOT YET!!! She said,”well comin’ in here to talk to the doctor about surgery, a person does tend to stress.”
Yeah. That’s what it is. Not my husband’s OLD MAN DRIVIN’ WAYS. Or Parking. Seriously. We even park it differently. Knock down drag out and all!
I can feel my blood pressure risin’ just thinkin’ about him in my car!!!
So anyway…
I went alone in the exam room to talk to the doctor. He spoke briefly about the size of the fibroid… which is about the size of 2 tennis balls. And the different procedures that he could perform, but he would know more after he did a biopsy.
My inner alarms went off!! I’ve been in on biopsy on animals and I know what all takes place and I sure as shit don’t want to ever be awake when someone take a scalpel blade and cuts bits of me off!! Once, I had a mole removed and I thought the doctor was NUTS when she said she wasn’t even gonna give me valium to take the edge off!! This doctor was just gonna give me Motrin!!!!
I seriously thought I was gonna run screamin’ from the room!
You can make me have a vaginal ultrasound and shove that magic wand up my VJayJay  but YOU, BY GOD, ARE NOT GONNA CUT ON ME WITH JUST MOTRIN!!!
And then I grew up.
It’s a part of life. You are born. You go to kinneygarten. You learn to throw rocks. You learn to drive the tractor. You have sex. You get married. You have babies. You get divorced. You see Ted Nugent. You have a hysterectomy. You have dementia. And You die.
So Buck Up Girl, You are About to Have a Biopsy While Awake!!
I don’t know what all the doctor did, though he talked all the way thru it about what he was doing… I just held my breath to keep from cryin’ and jumpin’ off the table. It felt like he grabbed on to my uterus with a pair of vise grips and shook the Hell out of it!!
And I hurt! I was dizzy! I felt like I was gonna throw up! And 30 minutes later… after havin’ some blood work done… the motrin kicked in… aaaahhhh. I was very glad Roy was there. No way could I have drove while I felt like that. But I didn’t have to take that other drug with all the side effects… woo hoo!
If this is what the hysterectomy feels like, no wonder my sister was pushin’ the button on her morphin drip every 5 minutes.
Her hub told her, “Honey, you can press it all you want but it will only give it to you every 30 minutes.”
Oh and get this, I’m only supposed to be in the hospital overnight! We’ll see about that! They have no idea who they are dealin’ with!

Where The Buffalo Roam…

Beautiful creatures.IMG_3248

Someone owns a herd near Grove, Oklahoma.

The Big H... scheduled for July! I'll fill you in on the visit to the Dr. later.

Monday, May 09, 2011

Dun Dun Dun Duuuunnnnnn…

Tomorrow is the day I find out how surgery will be done and when. Roy is takin’ the day off to come with me. He remembers questions I forget to ask. I’m ready to get this thing done… move on.

Lately, Roy’s been my doctor. I have cut my finger makin’ a margarita for him… the ice wouldn’t go into the glass and when I forced it in… it broke! He bandaged my finger. A few days later, he picked a splinter out of my foot… probably glass from the margarita.

While he wasn’t here, I choked on nachos. I was thought was gonna die! I fell outta my chair while readin’ a book… over backwards! He just smiles and shakes his head, “what am I gonna do with you?”

Love Me Forever!! That’s what you do, Roy!

I have hurt my ankle somehow and have been wearin’ a brace on it. Best part about it, NO TREADMILL!!! Probably hurt it from carryin’ all my shit upstairs! I am so ready for new carpet!

Oh and I tripped over a rip in the carpet!

Thursday, May 05, 2011

A Follow-Up…

A lot of comments were about cussin’… we all do it. And some of us learn the hard way to NOT CUSS in FRONT of CHILDREN.

The DiscriminatingDiva said her grandson repeats everything she says…

Well. Have I got something to tell you.

EarlLee used to work at HellMart when the girls were little. It was a HellMart in a small town so all the employees knew each other and their families. And it was no big deal for the girls to go off to the toy section without me. I wasn’t worried that someone would steal them… everyone knew who those girls belonged to…

When we moved to the big city, our local HellMart was HUGE!!!! But to the girls, it was HellMart and didn’t think a thing about runnin’ to the toy section. And I didn’t realize how quick those little boogers were either, until I heard my name being paged to “Come Pick My Children In Sporting Goods”. They had got lost on the way to the toys… it wasn’t in the same spot like in the small HellMart.

So from that point on, I made them keep at least one hand on the shoppin’ cart AT. ALL. TIMES.

Except EudoraMae. She seemed to think that that Law of Nadine’s World didn’t apply to her. She was always slippin’ away only for EdithAnne to tell her, “Moooooom! She’s gone again!”

Well, this one particular day, EdithAnne took it upon herself to get EudoraMae in line. In her loudest outdoor voice, she holler’d at her sister, “EudoraMae, Quit Your Dickin’ Around and Get Over Here!!!”

Everyone in the area turned to see which parents had taught such a beautiful child to utter the vile word of DICK and looked at me and EarlLee.

I bit my lip to keep from laughin’.

But EarlLee, He went all 850 shades of pink and melted into a puddle of shame right there in Hellmart. And just before his mouth seeped into a crack in the tiles, he said to me, “THIS YOUR FAULT!”

Guilty as Charged.

Wednesday, May 04, 2011

We Want To Know Wednesday Link-Up…

Yes, It’s Wednesday already. It’s May already… for Pete’s Sake!

Shit!! It’s my baby sister’s birfday!!

She’s 25… again. If I can be 35 for 11 years she can stay 25.

Wait just a second while I Facebook her… sit, twiddle your thumbs.

Okay, now… to the link-up. So here’s the deal, The We Want To Know is hosted by Impulsive Addict, Shawn, Mamarazzi, Janette… You can link-up with Impulsive Addict.

Now that the “legals” are outta the way… Wait. One more thing…

WWTKbutton I forgot the photo thingy.

The Questions this are:

1. If money didn't matter, where would your perfect vacation take place?  Briefly describe.

Roy and I have had this talk many times! When we win the lottery, we are takin’ an around the world cruise!

And All That The Entails! Shoppin’, Excursions, Shoppin’, Beaches, Shoppin’, and Booze… lots and lots of Booze.

2. What's a bad habit that you have {or ha} that is/was hard to break?

Bad habits? I’m not exactly sure I really have a bad habit. I’ve asked Roy many times, what I do that gets on his nerves and he has YET to come up with anything! He does many things that irk my shit!

Well, come to think of it, he has told me numerous times in the car on the way to his parents house, NOT to cuss. I do say shit and fuck a lot.

3. If you weren't on a diet or counting calories, what would you like to have for dinner tonight?

All the crab legs I could eat! Which is about 1 1/2!

Hey! They are on special tonight at the Casino!! Woo Fuckin’ Hoo!!!

4. If you had the chance to interview anyone in the world, dead or alive, who would it be and what's one question that you would ask?

Freddie Mercury. Did he have any idea how the immortal words of “Fat Bottom Girls” would mean to us Fat Bottom Girls? I always stop what I’m doin’ just to listen to our Anthem.

A moment of silence please in honor of Freddy and remember, “Fat Bottom Girls, Make the Rockin’ World Go ‘round… Now Get on Your Bikes and Ride!”


5. Describe yourself in 6 words.

Short. Blonde. Freckly. Comfortable. Friendly. Open.

Now be a sport and link-up!!

Monday, May 02, 2011

Ball Spin, Control, And Old Dudes…

After I had my Sonic Vanilla DrPepper and calmed down after my MommaDrama, I shopped for garden plants. Then I drove to the Bowlin’ Alley. I got my Zen on and now I’m gonna practice in peace.

So I thought.

As I walk thru the Bowlin’ Alley, I noticed that there were lots of little old men… much older that Roy. Now I don’t really think of That Age Group of Men as a threat… sexually. I just don’t. They’re like my Grandpa’s age… I respect my elders. That’s the way I was taught. I’m too trustin’… Roy says so.

As I was bowlin’, I managed to leave a split in the pins. That’s a tough spare to pick up! This old dude that was watchin’ me, walks up behind me, and quietly says, “I can pick up that split.”


Was he talkin’ about the pins or me???

I smile and tell him something like, “that’s what my husband tells me.” and chattered away like a dumb blonde about bowlin’.

He just smiled and nodded, chit chatted back and then walked away to join the rest of the old dudes.

But I kept my eye on my surroundin’s! I was the only one at my end.

A little while later, he comes back. “You’ve got a good spin on the ball but you need to keep practicin’ to get more control.”

Okay Creepy. He’s been watchin’ me!

I text that tidbit of info to Roy. He didn’t respond. Yet.

I bowled 3 games and went home. As I was drivin’ home, Roy finally text me back, “Are you still bowlin’?”

He was worried. “Spin on the ball! He’d like to take you for a spin!”

I will not be goin’ back to bowl on OldDudeThursdays!!