Thursday, January 20, 2011

Shit On A Shingle…

Life’s a bitch and then you die.

A few days ago while I was gettin' dressed and as I pulled up my panties, I felt something bite me! Off those panties went and I searched for the bug! I ran to Roy for him to look and make sure whatever bit me wasn’t going to bite me again.

Nothing.

He never saw anything. I never found a bite mark. But it sure hurt!!

Next day, I noticed that my left hip was itchy. I searched for the bite again. Nothing. I made Roy look again.

“Honey, do you see any red bumps or anything? It itches like wildfire!! And I think my hip is swollen.”

He giggled, “how can you tell?”

Jackass!!

My hip felt odd. It felt numb but oh so itchy but no outward reason for all the itching. I’m not the sort that scratches every itch, all it does is make it worse and can cause an infection. I applied hydrocortisone which didn’t really help.

And then a bump came up with what looked like a bite!!!

Okay, then. I’ve been bitten by something. Still not too excited. Bug bites go away. I’ve been stung by bees and wasps. I’ve been bitten by ants, fleas, chiggers, and ticks. Everything runs it’s course and I’ll be better. I have PMS so it’s stands to reason that I feel achy.

Until Saturday AM… my jammies were all screwed up from twistin’ and turnin’ all night long becuz I’m so uncomfortable and I reached down to untwist my panties and the left side of the PinkPalace was swollen and extremely sore!!

BACK THE TRUCK UP!! THIS IS SERIOUS SHIT!!!

I have been so sick that I have sat on the toilet in a McDonald’s off the Interstate with my head restin’ on the wall hopin’ that I would just die so that I would feel better. And didn’t go to the doctor.

I have got up outta bed with chest pains to ride it out on the couch away from Roy so I didn’t wake him up and him take to the ER. I don’t want that bill when all I need to do is fart!!

But now, I have a swollen Hoohaw and there’s a lump!!!

WHAT THE HELL!!!!??????

I take care of the PinkPalace! I’ve only had 2 yeast infection in my entire life and ONE only ONE bladder infection… A gal’s gotta take care of her MoneyMaker!!!

I may have several blotchy sunburn type blisters all over my hip but one small lump in my groin… It’s time to get serious!! And if this is a spider bite and my cooch rots off…

O!M!G!

I can’t get an appointment until Tuesday becuz the IndianClinic is closed becuz of a Federal Holiday. I’m in Hell. It’s not only my body that is fallin’ apart but my mind is on overdrive!!!

I’m freakin’ out.

What’s Roy gonna think?? A Scarred Up Cooch!!!

O!! M!! G!!

Did I ever tell you that everything is an ordeal with me? So not kiddin’!!!

My appointment was at 3:30. The young man that made my appointment asked, “I have only one left and it’s with a man.” I didn’t care. At this point I’ll show anyone that wants to see my business as long as they can tell me what the hell is going on and how can I fix it!!

Do they have cosmetic surgery for vaginas??

I can see that!! Totally!! Think about that… I’ve watched porn. There are a lot of women that need a little work done. Just a lift or a tuck maybe… never mind.

I showed up at 2:30!!! The PA asked me what was goin’ on and he gave my hip a quick peek. SHINGLES!!!

Whew!!

Not a bug bite… I get to keep my VaJayJay!!!

Well…

4 comments:

MizAngie said...

The PinkPalace. HILARIOUS. Sorry you're in pain.

Tracie said...

Yikes! Those can be very painful! - so i'm told

Katy said...

My mom and uncle both had shingles--pretty rough for both of them.

They do have plastic surgery for vaginas. Can't remember what it's called--vaginoplasty or some such nonsense. Apparently it's just one more thing that the ladies in L.A. just have to have.

Big Dog Mom Pam said...

The PinkPalace . . . omg hilarious . . . shingles are serious shit . . . please do everything the docs tell you so you don't have long lasting problems. Who knew that chicken pox could turn into something so nasty!?