Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Cookies, Candy, And Blondes…

So there were these 3 blondes in their Granny’s kitchen to create Christmas goodies… sounds like a good joke.

Just wait.

My oldest daughter was there to make sure we didn’t screw up stuff. EdithAnne actually told her husband that she needed to be there becuz, “Mom broils cookies and RubyJune uses baking soda for corn starch in pies!”

When I arrived, EdithAnne and RubyJune were makin’ a double batch of peanut butter cookies. I haven’t had peanut butter cookies in like 30 years!!! I don’t even buy peanut butter. I’m not fond of it. But peanut butter cookies and Reese’s peanut butter cups… Katy Bar The Door! I could eat my weight in them!

And when it came time to bake them, EdithAnne and RubyJune were perplexed at how to bake them… duh. Roll them in your hand and press them with a fork! It may have been 30 years but I know how to make them! They rolled and Granny forked the cookies flat.

The only thing better than Granny’s peanut butter cookies are her homemade Ginger Snaps. These are THE BEST COOKIES ON EARTH!! I know what you’re thinkin’. Ick ginger snaps. MY Granny’s are soft and not bitter! And do not need to be dunked in coffee… unless you want to make your coffee taste better!

After they made the cookies and I made lunch, EdithAnne and RubyJune wanted to make candy. RubyJune gave the praline recipe to EdithAnne and she took the fudge recipe. Fudge is relatively easy. You just melt all the stuff together and pour in a pan. And that’s why RubyJune took it!

EdithAnne read the recipe and asked RubyJune, “what does it mean, soft ball?”

I wasn’t really payin’ all that much attention to her answer as I was cussin’ and discussin’ the weighty issue of wine with my Grandpa. You know I’m an expert. But I did see her motion with her hands… we talk with our hands. I sometimes wonder if we are Italian… and not German Irish Indians. And RubyJune motioned with her hands like she was holdin’ a basketball.

“Oops! I need chocolate chips! I’ll just run home.” And off RubyJune went.

A few minutes later, EdithAnne said, “Mom! Come look at this and tell me what you think?” I’m an expert Candy Maker!

She said, “It’s supposed to be at the softball stage.”

“Do you know how to do that?”

“No.”

So I asked Granny, “Do you have a candy thermometer?” of course not… she’s old school. She’s made candy for years and never, not one time, used a thermometer.

“Then this is what you do.” I got a small glass and filled it with water and showed EdithAnne what to do by drippin’ the candy mixture into the glass and to watch how the candy reacts… “if it forms a soft ball then it’s ready.”

“THAT is not what RubyJune said at all. She said something about our cookie dough.” I just shrugged it off.

EdithAnne’s pralines turned out very good!! So did the fudge that RubyJune made. EdithAnne decided to treat us to Sonic Vanilla DrPeppers and she went to town.

And that’s when I made the mistake of sayin’, “someone needs to figure out how to make divinity.”

Dun Dun Dun Dunnnnnn…. And Granny’s recipe filled box appeared in front of me.

I found the old recipe and gave it to RubyJune. She read over it and hooray we had all the stuff we needed to make Granny’s Divinity!! I can remember her makin’ it when I was little. She would sit there at the table with her wooden spoon and that big old brown bowl and stir and stir and stir and it was just the best stuff!!! And here we were about to carry on the tradition!

RubyJune said, “it takes egg whites. How do I do that?”

She had never separated eggs! Duh! I can do that!

“Then get over her Miss Fancy Pants and do it!”

And I did! Right into the mix of butter, sugar, and syrup. NOT IN A SEPARTE BOWL!!! RubyJune mixed it up and set it on the stove to cook and reread the recipe.

“We’ve SCREWED UP!!!!”

What?!

“I mixed the eggs into wrong stuff!”

I’ll bet EdithAnne hadn’t been gone 5 minutes and we screwed up the divinity!

“Oh Well. Let’s just see what we get.” I told her. And we let it cook… eggs and all.

And let me tell you, it was a cross between pralines and brittle!! There was no white fluffy candy!

When EdithAnne came back, “What did YOU TWO DO?! That’s not white and fluffy!” And she read the recipe… “mix egg whites in separate bowl. How can you not do that?”

All my candy makin’ expertise is shot to hell!

On my way home, it hit me like a ton of bricks! I laughed and laughed for 3 miles before I was calm enough to call my sister and tell her I had finally figured out what she told EdithAnne about soft balls.

RubyJune told her that softball stage meant the candy would form an actual softball like the cookie dough... one lump of goo.

 

Oh The Memories!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Well Crap Apple!!

I forgot to tell you about the ring!

Once Roy has gotten his new boots and new belt, he takes me to the mall and turns me loose. He hangs around Sears and I run thru it just as fast as I can… There might be new shoes stocked at TJMaxx!! And then he catches up with me later somewhere around Victoria Secrets. That day wasn’t any different except he told me to call him when I get to JCP, the second time.

But I called him just before I entered Victoria Secrets and Poof! There he was!!

“Oh, I’ve already been here.” I make a quick check for a Pink and Red Bag… NONE!

“They looked at me like I was a perv.”

He’s never let that stop him before! He showed me the little pretty thing he liked… which wasn’t too much different from the ONE I BOUGHT FOR MY BIRTHDAY!

But we went on down the road… or I did, he camped out near Santa. I shopped for boots that will fit my massive calves. Found a pair I THOUGHT WOULD WORK… BOUGHT THEM WITHOUT TRYING THEM ON!! I didn’t want to roll around on the floor tryin’ to get them on and then have a cryin’ cussin’ fit tryin’ to get them off right there in the middle of MACY’S!

So I called him to come share a pop with me… he did. I was tired. It was time to go home.

So I thought.

When we get to the corner of JCP and Victoria Secrets with Helzberg and Zale’s on both sides, he says, “which is your favorite Jewelry store?”

What?

Don’t toy with me Roy! He knows I always look at the “clearance rack” at Zale’s.

So he says, “We are going to go in there and buy you something pretty. Whatever you pick out. But do not “cheap out” like you always do.”

I’m a bargain shopper! I am very frugal with my money!

He says, “When you find it, and I like it, you hear ding ding ding! Winner!”

He is toyin’ with me.

I looked over the birthstones, the mother’s jewelry, and down the case to the little dainty diamond cocktail rings, to find a pretty little heart shaped diamond ring.

“I like that.” No ding ding ding.

And I went a little further to find a little diamond bow ring.

“I like that too.” No ding ding ding.

In the same case was a super pretty black and white diamond bow ring. “Now that I love!”

I had looked at something similar in the junk jewelry store… I’da wore a $12.50 ring proudly! Hell I was lookin’ over all this beautiful diamond and gold jewelry wearin’ a $3 mood ring!!

But NO DING DING DING OVER THE BOW!!

What the hell!? He’s not wearin’ it!!

So I kept lookin’… right into the “clearance rack”! He found a huge sapphire pendant that would match my cocktail ring but I just didn’t hear the music!! No trumpets. No cupids. No sunshine.

He looked over all the colored stones… rubies, emeralds, and citron but nothing tripped my trigger like that black and white diamond bow ring. He would have bought me earrings and all the necklaces I wanted becuz he just flat hated that bow ring!

But whatever Baby wants, Baby gets! I’m the proud owner of a black and white diamond bow ring with pretty black diamond solitaire earrings… one for me and one for him.

He made me do it! I was perfectly happy with my boots to be my Christmas!

And my GhostBuster’s DVD set… that’s how I roll.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Boots, Rings, And Roy…

We all know I’m spoiled. And every once in awhile, we HAVE to go shoppin’ for things for Roy. It’s usually an ordeal.

Roy’s not an easy person to shop for… ever. And he wanted boots. The last time we boot shopped for him we were in 2 states and 6 towns and 8 western stores before we found a pair to his likin’! Back when he was in law enforcement, he wanted a certain boot. Black. Tall shafts. No fancy stitchin’ on the toe. The only boot that is made that way is Nocona! The Only Place that handles those is Drysdales! Once, they didn’t have them… OMG!! I thought the sky was fallin’!

Now, he can have any boot in the store, in any color. ANY COLOR!

Did I mention that when I married Roy he only had 2 pair of shoes? 2! A pair of Nocona Trooper boots and a pair of tennis shoes!

Well I had to fix that! He now has flip flops, 2 pair of tennis shoes, 1 pair of Nocona Trooper boots, Biker boots, 1 pair of huntin’ boots, lace up ropers, and 3 pair of work boots.

Anyway, I have to shop with Roy for Roy… it’s not always fun.

That means a trip to Atwood's. I love Atwood's about as much as Love the Academy! Can you see my eyes roll? Hate it!! Roy hears the music in these stores that I never will get… I can’t get over the smell. There were meat smokers, gun safes, salt blocks… ick!

So as we’re lookin’ over the dress boots… brown and not black, Roy heard the music. The clouds parted, the sun shone down on the boots he wanted! Little cherubs flew around playin’ the music on a pair of steel toes John Deere work boots! Roy was so excited that he instantly pulled off his own boot to try on the displayed boot.

“Dude! It’s an 8!” I told him. He was so excited he didn’t even look to see it was his size. Damn cherubs! Had he befuddled!!

I pulled out the box with his size and proceeded to pull it on… come Hell or High Water he was puttin’ that damn boot on! There was no seat for him so he stooped over and hopped and puffed and struggled to get it on… it was his bad foot. That broken ankle with all the hardware in it, isn’t as flexible as the other ankle. So he puffed and pulled. And he his finally slipped in, we both were relieved! And laughin’!

He said, “We’re gonna hafta buy this pair becuz I can’t take it off!” He put the other boot on and I put his boots in the John Deere box. And then we hunted for belts.

When it came time to check out, the tag had to be taken off so he didn’t set off the alarm. The clerk told to put his foot on the counter and she clicked the top off. The back was still in the boot… we all laughed about her feelin’ up my hubby’s leg to retrieve the back of the tag thingy… Made her day!

Good thing he didn’t wear the belt outta the store! That would have interestin’ to watch!

And for the first time in 16 years, I actually enjoyed boot shoppin’. 1 town, 3 stores.

The boots I bought for myself… have to go back to the store… Damn fat calves!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

My Bad MoJo…

I’ve tried to tell you I have no luck. I do not gamble becuz I can’t stand to lose money. That’s a pair of cute shoes or a new purse! I do not enter contest becuz I will not win and that just makes it harder for everyone else who might actually win something. And I don’t need to waste my time by enterin’.

Well.

The CompanyChristmasParty was last night. I was not too thrilled to go to it. We didn’t go to CopParty, why do this one? Okay. There was one but it was just the troop and not the whole state or anything. No drinking. We had good steak but we had to pay so much to go to the CountryClub… It wasn’t one of wild parties everyone tells those stories about all year long.

The only other OfficeParty was for HellMart. Yes, EarlLee worked once. At HellMart. But they frown upon employee’s stealin’… go figure!

Have you ever been blackballed by anything? Or Any One??

I have. You get used to it after awhile. That could be why I set off the HellMart Security Alarms now! I’m still on the list.

Anyway…

Hellmart ChristmasParties are no different than Cops… with children and door prizes. But no booze or LittleSusie RottenCrotch doin’ my husband in the bathroom. Oh wait that was at work!! Not the ChristmasParty. What was I thinkin’??

So I wasn’t real thrilled to go this party. And mostly, becuz of StupidAss Eddie and Loretta.

Eddie hasn’t talked directly to Roy in long while. He will talk at him. And talk about Roy with the guys while Roy is standin’ right there. We hadn’t taken 2 steps in the buildin’ when Roy’s phone rings… Eddie said, “I saved you some seats.”

And Roy says to me, “Be nice.”

I sat next to Loretta. She attempted to chat with me and I was nice but I wasn’t gonna give her any more than that!

While sitting there, a man came up to talk to Eddie and Eddie mentioned Roy, which perked up Roy’s ears, “what did I not believe? Tell me. What did I not believe?” But of course Eddie wasn’t talkin’ to Roy so he never answered him.

After we were LITERALLY the last 2 people in THE buildin’ served, we ate cold ham and tators. I was so ready to go. The first round of prizes were given out and of course Roy’s name wasn’t called. We do not have that kind of luck. We have bad mojo.

The Scooter Evacuation Plan was put into action and I text Roy “Daddy, It’s time to come home. Love Scooty.” … which made him laugh. I think next time, I’ll have to get one you that have my number to text Roy as Scooter… Becuz it would be so funny. He had told me earlier in the evening not call him while we there in that big room with all those people becuz my ringtone is “You tell ‘em I’m comin’ and Hell’s comin’ with me!”

He gets so embarrassed.

But. He said if his named gets called for a prize, I was to call him so he could have that playin’ as he walked thru the audience… men!

Anyway…

I was ready to go. I had all the Christmas singin’ and joy I needed and it was agreed on by the whole table that all the prizes were given out so we boogied.

I almost said to Roy that that ShitAssEddie would call him fibbin’ about winnin’ a prize but we left so… it’s gone.

And I’ll Shit and Fall Back in it if that Bastard didn’t call!! To say Roy had won the grand prize for the night!!

Lie like a dirty rug!!

And we got the call from the Deacon… Roy’s really good Cop Friend, his wife also works for the Company!

OH MY GOD! Roy really did have his name drawn. But becuz he wasn’t there someone else took it home. A 42 inch flat screen TV!!!

If we had stayed, his name wouldn’t have been called… EVER!

Shit!

Beside, what would we do with another TV?

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Letter 16…

To someone that's not in my state or country…

Dear Mr Missouri SUV,

GET OFF MY FUCKIN’ ASS!!

I will drive just as fast as I care to and if that is not the speed that you care to drive then pass me!

Speed On Brother Hell Ain’t Half Full.

Sincerely With Spite and Malice,

Nadine Hightower

Monday, December 13, 2010

Adventures In VickySittin’…

My Father In-Law had the heart surgery and the whole family had him at death’s doorstep… Like Modern Medicine is Just a Load of Crap. Sure it’s a major thing and things can go wrong… But RoySr has come thru it well.

But let’s back up a bit…

When Scooter called and we were getting’ ready to leave at Thanksgiving, Roy’s sister said, “Tell your father good bye. It could be the last time.”

And we left QueenVictoria cryin’ in the driveway.

Obviously EVERYONE was STRESSED!!

So when it was certain that RoySr was going into surgery, I volunteered to help out with his mom. I knew full well what I was dealin’ with and I knew she would be sittin’ home alone cryin’ the entire time RoySr was in the hospital. All that will do is cause her to have health problems. So I went to OKC to stay with my mother in-law.

carrie-nation-1-sized Meet my mother in-law… Carrie Nation.

I made the mistake of jokin’ about bar hoppin’ and I got a temperance speech that literally made me sweat!!! Like a Whore in Church!!! And truth be told, I haven’t had a drink since Dec3rd!!

Though Carrie Nation actually looks like some one from my family! Squat and Stern. I wonder if her hair hangs down her back? One of my grandmother’s hair was 4foot 6inches!! And she was 4foot 6inches!!

Anyway…

The first few days was fine. We got along fine. She wanted something done I did it. No problem. We plucked chin hairs and I told her she had one just like mine… attached to my butt. She just laughed.

But SuperMoodyBitch was lurkin’ about… my period was comin’ soon.

I stopped takin’ my antidepressant becuz it made me feel worse and even more depressed… so I stopped. NOT A GOOD TIME TO STOP!

She wanted to drive, I said no. It was dark and she has no business drivin’ at night. And she squirmed the whole way home and squealed when a car in front of us changed lanes. No fear of danger in anyway, she just squealed. But when we got home and she screamed for me to STOP!!! That was just about all I could take. I was parking the car in the garage. I’m not an idiot, I can do that. I may not have a garage but I can park a car in one. Don’t ask me to back it in but forward… no big deal.

She screamed STOP!!!!! She thought I was about to knock her mirror off!!!!

And you know what I did? Guess what I did to my mother in-law after she screamed at me??

I laughed at her and said, “the force is strong in this one.” She has no concept of the reference but you do and that’s all that matters.

I promptly called Roy to come and get me or I would unleash the SuperMoodyBitch and I will kill her... Like Doc Holiday, my hypocrisy only goes so far.

Thursday, December 09, 2010

What? The? Hell?

I have be familiar with a few of the articles on your website in the present circumstances, and I unqualifiedly like your fashionableness of blogging. I added it to my favorites net page list and resolve be checking assist soon. Divert check out of order my orientation as well and leave to me conscious what you think. Thanks.

 

 

I’m a bit slow… tell me what that says? It was a comment left on Letter 14. Is that one the letter to Dad? Or when I stepped on Scooter’s tail??

Okay, wait. It’s my mother’s language… that’s how she texts! I should be able to figure it out.

Here’s what I think… I am familiar with a few of your blog entries lately. I love your style. I have added it my blog list…blah blah blah… check out mine and let me know what you think. Thanks.

Is Fashionableness even a word?? I guess so, the spellchecker is leaving it alone!

I wonder what their first language is??

Tuesday, December 07, 2010

In-Law Duty…

So that we’re all on the same page and not so much confusion… I’m not home. I didn’t want to announce that fact to the world just yet. I can’t have every Ho in the county runnin’ after Roy!

My father in-law has had major heart surgery. And as many of you know, Roy and I try to stay as far away as possible from his family… parents is more like it.

Sweet people really… but still. Too Churchy! And becuz we stay away, no news is good news. Unless your dad has major heart surgery. And Roy’s siblings were not a fountain of information. I mean really!

“Daddy, having surgery in the morning.” and “Dad’s in ICU.” didn’t cut it with me. I wanted details. I wanted to know how many bypasses. Did they fix the leaky valve? What frickin’ hospital? We knew virtually nothing.

So I said to Roy, “What do you think about me going to stay with your mother?”

He looked at me like I was crazy! “Are you serious? Stay with MY mom?”

I didn’t see the problem. I have relatives that make HIS mom look like a pussy cat… HIS mom is a cakewalk!! I can take some of the burden off his sister and help QueenVictoria get along while RoySr is the hospital. I’m good with little old ladies.

I do not see a problem.

“Well, she’s never come unglued on you.” In the past, with that OTHER WIFE, Roy had to throw his mom out of his house! I wonder what started that…all I know is, it was about that OTHER WIFE!

Now why would she ever do that to me? I haven’t done anything to suffer the wrath of QueenVickie!

Sure I can’t be me around her… but still.

All the way to OKC, he said, “Are you sure you want to do this?”

Of course!

Since being here, I have managed to break the garage door spring thingy… totally not my fault.

Replace a bad answering machine… shitty thing hasn’t worked in years. It needed to be replaced. Merry Christmas to QV and RoySr.

And I am basically, QueenVickie’s personal secretary that cooks and does laundry… everything, right down to pluckin’ chin hairs.

And right now I need to be sewin’ on her jammie!

Tomorrow, I am to do a stint at the hospital. Roy’s sister has to go back to work.

Roy said, “You want me to come?? When?? Now you’re just getting’ pushy!”

I don’t he’s ready for me to come home.

By the way, RoySr is doing well.

Monday, December 06, 2010

Jack Sprat…

Could he no fat. His wife could eat no lean.

Roy and I went out to eat at the Outback and he ordered a KC Strip. He rarely eats another cut of meat. It’s all I buy to cook at home. Sam’s Club has THE BEST steaks!! Thick and Flavorful! My steaks are so much better that many that Roy has eaten out and cooked professionally.
So the waiter brought Roy’s steak and sat it in front of him. Asked if he needed steak sauce, which if it’s cooked right… NO!!
And Roy just sat there… Looking at this beautifully cooked piece of steak. He was bewildered.
“Dude, What’s up?” I asked.
“It looks funny.”
“What? It looks perfect.”
“Really?”
Oooooh… I see the problem.
“Honey, you just don’t recognize it becuz I cut the fatty ends off and eat them so You get the lean center.”
“Oh! Here you can have these.” cuts them off for me… and all is right in the world.

Friday, December 03, 2010

Letter 15…

To the person you miss the most…

Dear Daddy,

She’s done it again. Mom has screwed the pooch.

She made another bad choice. She picked JoJo over RubyJune. JoJo is her friend that took up with her after NormaJean died. You’d like JoJo, if things had been different.

If you were here we wouldn’t be havin’ this conversation.

But. Here we are.

It’s all really sad. Remember all those custody battles you went through with Mom to keep us kids. She was unfit to be our mother then and she’s not much better now. A thought occurred to me the other day, she is actin’ like a teenage girl that has just ran away from home, all wild and crazy.

No not really. She’s not bar hoppin’ this time ‘round or sleepin’ all over town like she did after you died. She took another leave of absence from her job. She said it was stress. But all she does is shop flea markets and garage sales. What’s she gonna do when the money runs out?

Becuz, she has picked JoJo, RubyJune will not allow her move into the “Mother Inlaw” house she was building just for Mom. RubyJune went off on her… big time!

I don’t blame her. I’ve had my problems with her too. Mom had mentioned family counseling to RubyJune and RubyJune told her, she doesn’t really want to know what kinda Hell she would openin’ up if we did that. After the first day, Mom would go home and commit suicide and that would be from just what RubyJune told her! Don’t you know that to be true!

Why does she think she’s blameless?

Do you know she blames you for her smokin’ all those years? Though she said once she smoked when she was pregnant with me.

Anyway, I told her to fix the whole mess with RubyJune. But all she wanted to do is argue about it. It shouldn’t have been that hard. And I have to side with RubyJune.

Remember, when you pointed to that Woman at the DairyQueen and said, “that woman should have been your mother.”

Remember she waved at you?

Were you for real or just wishin’ that woman would date you?

Cuz, sometimes, I do too.

Much Love and Big Hugs,

Nadine

Thursday, December 02, 2010

The Last Family Reunion I Will Ever Go To…

Every Fall, my grandpa’s kin get together for… what I don’t know. To eat sandwiches and chat with family members they see every day, I guess. Becuz that’s what all 70 of them did.

My grandpa has 4 sisters… I feel like I’m forgettin’ one… and he had 2 brothers. When his mother, my great grandmother was alive we would have this gatherin’ at her house… the one that burned recently. Imagine 125 people all crammed in a 6 room house! Back then all the kids would play outside in the barns and pastures, everyone chatted with everyone… It was a good time.

We all seemed close.

Now, it’s just so different. AuntRuthy’s family sits together. AuntBecky’s family sits together. AuntEdy’s family sits together… you get the idea. Only 8 people out of 70 actually spoke to me. The rest stood back lookin’ at me tryin’ to figure out who I was!!!

One cousin looked at me, held up a hand, shook her head and walked away… At Me!

What the Hell!!?? Rude! I always thought so much of her!

Forget Me!!

Am I NOT Remarkable enough that people know who I am??

Have they forgot all about my dad?

That I am his oldest???

What the Hell??!!

One of them that spoke to me said I looked just like my aunt, VioletJean… only younger.

And there in lays the problem!! They think I am my StupidAss Cousin!!!!

OMG!!!! OMG!!!!!!!

And they don’t want to speak to her and the thought buzzin’ thru their brain is “HIDE THE PURSES!!”

There is such a difference between she and I… Night and Day!

Me: Clean and Respectful.

Her: Nasty and Ugly.

They could easily compare us… she sat across from me!!

I have come to the conclusion that I belong to one of the most unfriendly families I have ever encountered!!

A couple of weeks later we all got together again to celebrate my grandparents 65thWedding Anniversary and of course family and friends came by to eat cake and congratulate them.

Everyone of those people spoke to me! I was gonna by God leave my mark on their brains. Asked me who I was and how I was related… I can’t expect all those old folks from the Senior Citizen Center to know me… though they should!

I worked the cake and punch table!  They couldn’t help but speak to me!! Them folks got a good dose of Nadine!!

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

Family Gatherings…

Some where along the way, my family has fallen apart. I know when some people have left. I didn’t know others did. And I’m caught off guard by that.

My mother is out again. She’s made bad choices all her life, so why should that change now?

My brother didn’t show up for dinner… his dumb bitch wife was hateful to ALL of us when we went to tour Their new home… remember the fire? Bub wasn’t there so she was hateful. I suppose it’s only fair… we are hateful to her.

My aunt must have the good drugs becuz she was so zoned out at dinner table, she didn’t even join in the conversation.

My StupidAss Cousin and her children DOMINATED the room. They smell. They are loud. And Rude.

My Grandpa was so cold he kept bitchin’ about it while the rest of us were wanting to strip off all our clothes becuz the house was too frickin’ hot to breathe!

I text Roy, “Scooter needs to call!”

And he did!!!

I was outta there so fast I didn’t even take home any leftovers!!

Is it any wonder I haven’t had a good night’s sleep? I may not sleep good again until after Christmas!