Thursday, September 30, 2010

Mom, Aging, And Tramp Stamps…

As you know, my mom was in the hospital for havin’ some sorta seizure… they couldn’t tell what happened to her. All those tests and still don’t know have a clue why she was on the bathroom floor and outta her mind.

She’s did this before. When I was 3, I can remember her mom yellin’ at her over the phone as Mom crashed to the floor. And outta nowhere, Grandma came rushin’ in the door to help Mom. Grandma lived 3 miles away. Gram Hauled Ass!!

That was just Mom… she crashes. For no reason. I think it had something to do with a bladder infection.

This last seizure is the first time I had to deal with her being ill. It’s hard to explain, but you could talk to her and she would try to respond but nothing happened. It was like it took time for her brain to process what we told her and then her body didn’t respond.

So my sister and I helped Mom in and outta bed umpteen bazillion times to sit on the commode…haha I got that right! As I helped, I saw my future!

It wasn’t pretty.

Years ago, when I brought home my first baby from the hospital, one of the first things we, my mom, sister, and I do… with any of the babies in the family, is inspect them. You know. Undress them and look for birthmarks… everyone does this. I know it’s not just us.

Well, my mom rolled over EdithAnne onto her stomach and pointed to a small patch of peach fuzz above her bottom, “Oh look she has JohnsonFuzz!”

We all have JohnsonFuzz. Maybe all people have JohnsonFuzz but maybe not. It seemed to be a “POINT” with her. A Cool Thing to her. She was so proud of it.

I’ve always wanted a tramp stamp. But was afraid to loose my JohnsonFuzz. Silly I know. I know people with Tats are not hairy people so it makes me wonder if hair doesn’t grow on a tattoo. And since my JohnsonFuzz is fine fuzz, surely I’d loose it… It’s mine. I don’t want to lose it!

And Roy’s not keen on tattoos.

And ReRe won’t let me get one either.

It’s Okay ReRe. I’ve seen my future… my mom’s 62 year old backside complete with older JohnsonFuzz and I don’t want a Tramp Stamp any longer.

It’s not pretty!

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Letter Number 11…

To a deceased person you wish you could talk to…
This one is simple.
Dear Daddy,
I guess I have to tell you that Mom had to go the hospital. She may have had a stroke maybe just a seizure. Not like those she used have or maybe it’s that she’s older now and doesn’t bounce back as fast. I didn’t like it then and I don’t like it now. She and I are goin’ to Texas in a few weeks. That should be fun.
Bub’s house burned to the point that they had to tear it down. It's sad to see it come down. Not really for Bub but becuz it was Grandma’s house. It was like when Mom sold your car. It finalized everything. All I could think about when I saw your car on the used car lot was, You will be so pissed when you come back and your car is gone! And now Grandma’s house… she’s gone.
Roy made me sign up for a stupid weight loss thing at the gym… people will expect results. I’m not thrilled. I don’t mind goin’ to the gym, I just don’t like being pressured. Kinda like when you made me take swimmin’ lessons and what did they do?? Throw me in the deep end!! And that was the end of that!
He’s only lookin’ out for me. He’s a good man. He told me to mend fences and to stop being so hard headed… like that will happen. But I did. I started with Mom. Not where he wanted me start… at all. He wants his huntin’ buddy back.
Oh well. Tough Shit.
I nearly forgot… RubyJune blew up at Grandpa. He’s still a pill. Some things never change. And Granny is still chooglin’ along.
That’s all I got for now.
Will Miss You Forever,
Nadine

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

The Great Debate…

Or at least the one happenin’ now.

Becuz, you know there have been many!

I have no idea how much money is in my checkin’ account. I have an inklin’ of how much is in the nest egg and that’s only becuz we went to EdwardJones together and the EJDude seems to be lookin’ out for me. For some odd reason, he thinks that I will outlive Roy.

Geez, He doesn’t know me too well.

Point being, I am in the dark about our finances. Roy is in charge of that… and I like it that way. I do not pay the bills. I do not balance the checkbook. And becuz of it, Roy and I are debt free. My house is paid for and so is my car… and has been for a long time.

So one day, he was ponderin’ over the checkbook… I don’t really pay too much attention to him when he’s goin’ over the damn thing. Mostly, becuz it’s “why did you buy that?” or “Did you use the credit card or the bank card?” And all it does is make me mad. So I tune him out.

But when he said, “Carpet”, my ears perked up!

New Carpet??!! The carpet in this house is 45 years old!

We are not like normal people.  Normal people, when they buy a house, they paint and add new carpet. Me and Roy, we just live here… I’ll never make Better Homes and Garden. Oh we have remodeled here and there. Only becuz we had to do it!

When I fell thru the kitchen floor… He had to do something.

When you could see the curtains blowin’ in the winter and our monthly propane bill was $350… He had to do something!

I have bitched about this carpet forever. I can’t vacuum it without it snaggin’. And once you’ve snagged it, it just rips more! I can’t move my furniture around… and I really hate that. I like to change it up and give it a good cleanin’ but no. It just rips. And too, Roy hates to move the furniture… that TV is a bitch! All those freakin’ wires!!

I have told him numerous times that if he ever leaves the house for more than 3 days, when he comes home there will be new carpet in this house! Funny. That backfired on me. He’s never left me alone long enough for me to do that.

8 years ago, I dragged him, kickin’ and screamin’ down to the carpet store to look at it. I wanted him at least see what’s available. I want burber and, of course, he doesn’t. And that backfired on me too.

He bought me a Harley instead.

True Story!

So This Time… I went down to the Chevy Dealer to look at new cars.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Letter Number 10…

To someone that you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to…
Hey CyndiLou,
What has happen to us?
What did I do?
We were so close. You lived with us when your parents needed help gettin’ back on their feet. I always included you  in my slumber parties, birthday parties, skatin’ parties. We camped together and we ski’d together. We shared everything… clothes, boys, and laughter.
You were there when I told everyone I was pregnant… unlike my best friend. The Dumb Bitch!
Sure, I beat the shit outta your brother. He had it comin’ and I have a scar on my chin for it. He threw a chunk of concrete at me.
Sure, we got on each others nerves. I don’t know how to not be annoyin’ as child. Or bossy… I’m first born. I have to be bossy.
I warned you about that boy. I knew he was bad news. But no. You had to find out on your own.
But who were you mad at… me! You weren’t mad at him when he stomped your heart in the ground.
That’s it isn’t it. You think I did something to him. I didn’t send my thugs to do anything to him. If they did something to him, they acted on there own.
And you’ve held that against me for 25 years.
Do I ever cross your mind… ever?
Nadine

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Back To The Gym…

Roy made me sign up for a weight loss program at the gym. A “Burn it and Earn it” program.

I’d rather sign up the Bench Press Program. I can pump it up at 50 pounds!!

But Roy… he has to lift 150! He’s not so sure he can do that. “why do I have to lift 100 more?? Becuz I have Balls?!!?”

So Burn and Earn… Yes.  He Made Me.

I’m not thrilled. I feel pressured to actually lose weight. To stick to a diet… bummer.

If I lose 5 pounds, I get a medal.

Cheesy.

But whatever… I have track medals.

“yes, Boys, this is GiGi’s Gold Medal. From High School Conference Track meet. GiGi ran like the wind. And this is GiGi’s weight loss medal becuz she lost 5 pounds. GiGi has a fat ass.”

But WhatEver… Roy made me sign up.

JackAss!

If I lose 10 pounds, I get a free tee shirt. And Roy said, “I think I’ll bulk up. I wanna be sure I get the shirt.”

He plans on gettin’ it next week.

JackAss!!

If I lose 15 pounds, I get a trophy. I’d rather have another shirt.

I have a trophy for softball… I don’t know how we got that trophy as we were the worst team ever. We had fun. But we just couldn’t win a game. Apparently, we managed 2nd place though. I used it as a necklace holder… I’m not sure where it is now.

If I lose 25 pounds, I get a plaque. I don’t have one of those. That might be cool. Roy has 2… CopAwards. And one for the Indian, Best American Made Custom Motorcycle… or something like that.

Anyway…

While Roy was still on the treadmill, I got the trainer and told her I needed to sign up.

“We better weigh me in now becuz, I could wake up in the mornin’ a Victoria’s Secret Model  and I won’t need the program.”

It could happen.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Long Live The Rock Brigade!!!

Just So’s You Know…

In Tulsa, there’s a Rock Station with the call letters of KMOD. And of course there are those that do not care for “the Head Station” and call it KMODE. I don’t know why anyone wouldn’t like this station?! It plays modern and classic rock… it’s the best radio station on the planet! I’ve listenin’ to it since the 70’s!

If you know of Roy D Mercer… He came from the minds of the boys at KMOD.

This one time, my brother had an old car with one of those old type radios that you have to find the station and pull the button out and push it back in to set the stations… remember those? Well, he thought he had all his stations set to right ones… Oh no! I had to correct that! No more Country which was for his wife and no more of that weird rap crap or Seattle grunge stuff from the Edge either… I set all his stations to KMOD!

Shake your fist in the air… Long Live The Rock Brigade!!!

Oddly, enough I never got to borrow his car again… ever.

Soooo… It never occurred to me and apparently, Spell Check for DumbBlondes that Kmode is really Commode.

Thank you so much Teresa.

 

There’s a method to my madness.

Monday, September 20, 2010

My Chosen Profession…

It’s Career Night at the school and EdithAnne has to get up and tell all the school about her mom’s job. Her daddy didn’t work… come on! Can’t have a career if his lazy ass didn’t work!
Maybe EudoraMae is speakin’ to her class at her graduation ceremony… she was Salutatorian of her class. Just a 1/10 off the Valedictorian.
I raised smart girls. They worked the system in more ways than YOU may realize.
But that’s a story that will never be told… not here.
But her speech was indeed about paths to take later in life and make good choices. It was actually about me.
Anyway… my career, what would they say? That’s the question the Ladies at the RHOK asked this week. My girls… Lawsy!
Once those silly girls wanted me to be their DenMother for Scouts, or at least EudoraMae did! EdithAnne, looked horrified!! And I said, “do you really want me to have one of my fits on a group of strangers?”
‘nuff said.
But I think, I’ll go a different die- rection all together…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Welcome Parents,

My name is Nadine Elizabeth Hightower and I’m here to tell you about my parents jobs.
My mom is a jack of all trades. She has been all dolled up to work in downtown office buildin’s and has worn steel toed boots to make log chains. She’s done just about everything. She’s done what she’s had to do get by in life.
Some folks have to do that. They play the hand they were dealt. I think she’s had fun at it. I know that she’s made a lot of friends over the years. Whether she was makin’ reels at Zebco or drivin’ a school bus, she’s made friends. Late in life she went to college and got herself an education! But she still just drives a school bus.
My Daddy worked in a downtown office buildin’ for OklahomaNaturalGas. Something he did for all of his adult life! He started out diggin’ ditches for them and took some night classes to better himself. When the opportunity came up to get out of that ditch and into a suit and tie he jumped at it!
For years, he worked odd shifts. There were days, I didn’t even see him for nearly a week! I would just leave notes at his spot on the kitchen table for him, becuz I knew he would come and have coffee or eat lunch before headin’ out to work or off to bed for the day.
Once, he even took me to work with him when he worked the late shift. That was so cool! To ride up and down in the elevator, to see what his job was like… which was to answer the phone and push a button at a certain time. He told me if he didn’t press that button, gas lines all over Tulsa would blow up.
I didn’t believe him about that. If I grew an 1/2inch every time he pulled my leg… I’d be 130 foot tall!
When the company added a new computer system, they sent him to Kilgore Texas to study up so he could run it and help train the others on system. He brought us back t-shirts with the Rangerettes on them. He even got his picture in the company flyer for it.
One of the neat things about his job and I really don’t know why he did it but he mapped out the weather like the weathermen on TV. It was like he was forcastin’ the weather… seriously. I learned about low pressure fronts and what all the symbols were that the weathermen use from my daddy! Not in school but at ONG!
And then he died.
There is no tellin’ how far he could have gone… He did the best he could with the hand he was dealt and had fun at it.
Now go out there and be who you are and make good choices!

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Laughter Is The Best Medicine…

3 things said that cracked up someone while my mom was in the hospital.
Yes. She maybe had a mild stroke. Doctor’s only know what they’re told. And unless you have a knife stickin’ outta your chest, then and only then, do they actually know what’s wrong!
Personally, I think she may have had some sorta bladder infection or a drug interaction sorta episode.
But what do I know.
1) My sister, RubyJune, put a photo of Mom on FB for all the world to see her… or at least all the people back home… Which is much worse!
She was Out Of It!! Mom didn’t care if she was sick and lookin’ all bad… without her teeth!
After a catheter and a BloodPressurePill, she cared!!! “Well That’s Just Rude!”
I get all my vanity from her.
2) While the nurse was admittin’ my mom in, the question came up about the DNR and LivingWill, and RubyJune said, “Oh we’re the sorta people that do not want you to plug her in, so we have no problem unpluggin’ her.”
The nurse cracked up.
A few years ago, Mom said to me, “If I have to be on lifesupport, You come with a pillow and smother me. I know that RubyJune won’t pull the plug. But You’ll smother me. I know you will.”
3) After helpin’ her in and out of bed umpteen bazillion times to sit on the kmode… well hell what’s the right way to spell kmode??
Anyway…
The nurses… 3 of them… came in to insert the catheter. I guess my mom’s hoo-ha was being used as a classroom experiment… probably not the first time. She was pregnant at 16 with me… I’m just sayin’.
My sister and I stepped to the other side of the curtin. We’d seen enough of her lady parts to last our lifetime just helpin’ her in and outta bed umpteen bazillion times!
So the nurse told her to “just relax and let your knees fall apart like at the gynecologist” … and my sister burst out laughin’!!
Of course I’m thinkin’ sex and I added, “Not something that happened in awhile!”
I don’t think the old gal has had a date in 2 years! RubyJune told her stop datin’ old men… even though that’s her age group.
And Honorable Mention…
Every time the nurses would come in, they would ask her where she was and what day it was and the month… and every time she would tell them something off the wall. As the day progressed, she did improve and got it down to the right hospital and when she was born. But still thought it was May of 1999.
The last nurse came in just before I left and asked her who the president was and she replied proudly and without hesitation, “George Bush!”

PS: She's was much better and pretty much back to herself last night or I wouldn't have left. She has a balance problem and we still don't know the results of her tests. It's weekend and harder to get things done.

PPS: Thanks Ladies. Some times I feel like I'm talkin' to the wall.
Chief Peep, I've tried to comment. It says I'm not a member?

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Hello…

Hello!

Is anybody out there??

I need more than a nod if you can hear me… I need comments.

Or am I just pourin’ my heart out to spammer that want me to enlarge my tool???

Is there anyone home?

Reading this blog??

Am I alone?

Come On.

Now.

I hear you’re feelin’ down.

I can ease your pain.

I can get you on your feet again…. at least I thought so.

Give you a giggle… Make you laugh with me.

Laugh at me.

Whatever.

As long as you leave with a smile.

Okay that’s as far as I go with Pink Floyd… I’m not pushin’ dope here. You can get Comfortably Numb on Your Own.

I just need to know you are out there. If what I doin’ is being read.

I’m in an odd spot and I really need my ego stroked... Comments.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Fire In The Hoooooooole!!!

As You Wish… The Fireman photo.

whereistheotherhand

And my husband had THE nerve to be mad about this!!

Jerk!

Becuz I can’t be Wordless.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Letter Number 9…

To someone I wish I could meet…

I have no clue.

I’m not deep enough to say Clinton or Einstein.

Seriously. No Clue.

Celebrities? They are just like us, they just happen to be in the limelight.

Do I love some? Yes.

Meet? No.

And find out they are arrogant or ignorant?? Personally, I not sure which would be worse, arrogance or ignorance!

Blog Friends?

There is only a truckload of those and again that’s like choosin’ a favorite… and I refuse to do that.

So I have no other choice…

Are you there, God? It’s me Nadine.

I’m goin’ straight to the top and I request a sitdown. I know you’re shocked to hear from me. I don’t take this stuff lightly.

As you know, Roy is older than me and I really need for him to out live me. If you could arrange that, I would greatly appreciate it.

I am doin’ everything I can to help out… much to his dismay! He just doesn’t see the bigger picture here.

He goes last.

As you know, I asked you once before to take me and leave my sister’s baby boy and you come thru with flyin’ colors, so I know you can pull this off too.  You’re God.

Thank you so much for your time.

As I have so much to do, I will now go on my merry and hedonistic way.

Sincerely,

Nadine Hightower

Monday, September 13, 2010

McLinky Monday At the RHOK…

It’s a MeMe… Favorites. Be a sport and link-up at the Real Housewives of Oklahoma!

Favorite Actor: Brad Pitt…Duh! Legends of the Fall is practically porn for me! Brad Pitt and all that long blonde hair… oh my.

Favorite Actress: Sandra Bullock… she’s just so cute.

Favorite Movie: The Last Mohican… Daniel Day-Lewis with long hair.  “Stay alive! I will find you. No matter what! I will find you!”

Favorite Band: AC/DC… For Those About To Rock, We Salute You!!!

Favorite Musical: Oklahoma! Duh!

My grandpa says “Catoosie” just like they do in the Musical. Not Catoosa. For all you non-Okies, that’s pronounced Ca- Toosa!

It brings a tear to my eye when they sing Oklahoma at the end… seriously. When we went to Discoveryland to see the play live, I didn’t think I could keep myself in check. The horse run by with the rider holdin’ the Oklahoma goin’ one way and another carryin’  Old Glory runnin’ the other way… quite Patriotic!

Favorite Novel: The Harry Potter Series. I know. I know. A child’s book but that is good readin’! Very Good!

Favorite Cuisine: Tex-Mex

Favorite Wine: I very recently discovered a very good wine. Bosc Moscato Asti…$14 a bottle!

As much as I like it, I could put Roy in the poor house spendin’ his money on expensive wines! So I’ve been searchin’ for a cheaper version.

Martin & Weyrich Moscato Allergo…$7 per btl!! Wooo Hoooo!!!

Favorite Store: Victoria’s Secret

Favorite Vampire: Louis from Interview with the Vampire… Brad Pitt with long hair.

And Eric Northman of course from the Sookie Stackhouse series.

Favorite Prime Time Series: True Blood. And I have to say if Eric had not showed up on Sookie’s door step all covered in cement, I’da never watched it again!

Favorite Time Waster: I farm… I have 2 virtual farms.

Favorite Chore: Laundry. I have machines to do the hard part. All I have to do put in, rotate when needed, and take it out.

Favorite Quote: “You tell ‘em I comin’! And Hell’s comin’ with me! You Hear! Hell’s comin’ with me!!”  From Tombstone.

Which is my cell phone ring on Roy’s phone.

Says a lot, doesn’t it.

And when we are out in public and are separated like at the mall or HellMart, he carries his phone in his hand on the off chance I call… and it will embarrass him.

Favorite Smell: Hardworkin’ man smell mixed with diesel… mmmmmm.

Favorite Vacation Spot: Carnival Conquest Cruise Ship!!

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Where Did That Come From???

My mom and I are plannin’ a trip to Texas.

Mom drives a school bus and sometimes she takes the band to a nearby school. I went to visit with her and Roy tagged along.

It was like a family affair. I saw my nieces and nephews, my bub… I didn’t realize that they were such fans of High School Football. Football is King in Oklahoma. And We love Our Team but to travel with it? Odd.

We all sat together and chit chatted and all were havin’ a good time but Mom. She was edgy and figdety, so I turned to her, “Spit it out.”

“We are goin’ to Texas and You can’t come.”

What? It was my idea!

I just sat there lettin’ it soak in… I realize RubyJune is her favorite. And if RubyJune wants to go and there’s limited room, I’m out.

But still.

“Who is WE?”

“Jason and JB.”

WHAT THE HELL!!!????

I wanted to run. I was fixta have a meltdown and I didn’t want to do it in public. It ain’t pretty.

Jason and JB aren’t even family!!!

I jumped up and quickly left the stadium with Roy on my heels and I looked around and my mom was comin’ too!

I whipped around to face her, “you’d rather take Jason and JB than me?”

And she just shrugged her shoulder.

I burst into a ball of flames!!

And I didn’t care who saw it becuz I was tellin’ That Woman how the Cow Ate The Cabbage!!

I pointed my finger at her and said, “you have hurt me for the last time.”

And then I woke up.

 

In real life, my mom and I are plannin’ a trip to Texas. And all the family is excited about it. I haven’t visited my Texas Crew since I was 15.

In real life, my mom has let me down in that manner… chosen others people over me. Non-family and RubyJune… RubyJune, I get, but those non-family people I don’t… never have.

In real life, I have forgiven my mom for a lot of things. But my inner child apparently, has not.

In real life, I don’t know any Jason or JB in my mom’s life… Where’d they come from??

Wednesday, September 08, 2010

Can We Talk???

On the Real Housewives shows, whether it be Atlanta or New Jersey, there is someone looking for their birth parents and it raised several questions to me.

1. Why do you want to know your birth parents?

2. What makes you think they want a relationship?

3. If you in fact gave up a child, do you want to track them down?

4. If you in fact gave up a child, Do you want to have a relationship with them now?

I have no desire to judge or editorialize or scratch an old wound. I just want to know the whys and what fors. Educate me.

I understand being a pregnant teen… Been there. Done that.

Tuesday, September 07, 2010

Shoes, Purses, And Couches…

There was an argument  the other day about my shoppin’ habits.

What the Hell??!!'

He accused me of spendin’ all his money.

We’re not even gonna touch that “HIS MONEY” comment… That’s just a horse of a different color! Whole ‘nother rant!

Sure I have umpteen bazillion shoes and several I haven’t even worn.

Sure I have umpteen bazillion purses and one I haven’t taken the tags off.

All bought at a resale shop or off the clearance rack.

And I have several hundred articles of clothing… mostly panties. And they are my huge expense… bought at Victoria’s Secret.

But spendin’ all his money???

I spent $3 on the last pair of shoes… and they are so cute!! Red Polka dots high heeled sandals… so cute!! $3!!!

I found a Coach bag at a garage sale for $7!!!! Can you believe that??? $7!!!!!

But what brought on the whole “spend all his Money” comment was when I said I wish I knew of a used furniture store.

USED.

Has it sunk in that I’m a bargain shopper??

We bought our livin’ room set 17 years ago. It’s so trashed. Cat hair aside… The kids had a food fight while I was at work and cream colored sofa and love seat was the battle field. The arm of the love seat was damaged during the battle. Roy sits on the love seat all the time so it’s got that man hole in it. I would love to get rid of it. I would have to replace it the same day I pushed it out in the yard.

And freakin’ burn it!!

That’s what he did to my lawn furniture!! And then told me the neighbor’s stole it… He confessed.

Jesse told me she would help me haul it off but she was not about to burn Roy’s couch. “That’s not a line I’m gonna cross!”

Me? Spend all his money?? He’s the one that wants to put in a hot tub. And don’t think he’ll be happy with one of those $1500 ones either! We’ve looked at one that was closer to $15,000!

That’s frickin’ 4 cruises!!!

Me?? Spend all his money???!!!

We all like nice things but come on! Let’s be reasonable!!

I just want a good couch and a recliner for him. My granny has a chair that I want. It’s a really nice chair. It’s huge. It’s heavy. And I can’t fit it in my car or I’d already have in my house and Roy’s couch burned to the ground!

Do you know where she got it?? You’ll never guess where… from the dump!! It’s a really nice chair!!!

Cost???

Zip! Zilch! Nada!!

Now that Bub’s house burned, I’m sure he’ll take it. I can live with that.

Tell me, I spend all his money… Roy Hightower has another think comin’!

Monday, September 06, 2010

RHOK’d Out SuperHeros…

The Ladies of RHOK want to know if I were a super hero, what would my name be; what would my abilities be; what my costume would be. I wrote this three years ago… And you all don’t click the links. I know what you do here. It’s one of my super abilities.
So without further ado…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Super MoodyBitch…
I have been taken over by some supernatural force... over-Freakin'-night!! I have become Super MoodyBitch!!!
Dressed in my costume of the largest pair of Levi's I could find and a baggy sweatshirt, I face the day with 4 hours worth of sleep... the time change has not effected me... I don't sleep!
Under my baggy sweatshirt, I have a baggy t-shirt... it may be 50 degrees out there but it feels like 30 below zero!!!!
And I am wearing the best ever Victoria's Secret bra built for packin' around 2 50 pound boobs.
How that happens over-Freakin'-night I have no clue!?!?
Seriously, I think VS should have a government contract to arm all women with this bra... one that can maintain those monsters and those nipples that are so hard that they could cut glass is just amazing!!!
Normally, these big boobs are used for good... getting doors opened, extra ice cream and the all important... FREE BEER!!
But today...LETHAL WEAPONS!!!!!
And must be strapped down for all concerned.
The one thing that Super MoodyBitch has no control over is my hair... it rebelled!!! It has a fantasy life all it own... today it's off in a rock band.
I washed and dried it like normal but when I flipped it over and looked in the mirror... it was hair that even David Lee Roth would envy.
Super MoodyBitch said "Fuck it!" and sprayed it with the hairspray... "It's a step up from the DL photo, just go with it!!"
I can only hope that Super MoodyBitch doesn't take the dog clippers it!!
Super MoodyBitch comes and goes at will......I am not in control of my powers just yet!
Like on the way to work, I had to stop by a friend's house to feed her cat. But I couldn't find the garage door opener. Super MoodyBitch took over the search!!
It seems that if you cuss and throw things around, the lost item magically appears!!!
She is able to leap over the desk in a single bound and choke the life out some unsuspecting dumbass that only wants to look at my kittens!!!!
While screamin' at the top of her lungs... "I'M NOT RUNNING A PETTIN' ZOO HERE!!!!!!!!"
She can cry faster than a speeding bullet... DON'T TEST THAT!!!!
And She has this weird ability to smell everything.
And I mean EVERYTHING... AND IT ALL SMELLS LIKE SHIT!!!!!
She has more tenacity that a 50 pound pit bull and 2 Jack Russells... THAT WAS TESTED!!!!
And She Won!!!!!!
I am still not sure if the powers are for good or for evil... so tread lightly children... tread lightly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And when some poor spammer was held against their will by the Russian Mafia and forced them spam my blog so I would buy a penis enlarger, becuz we all know I need a bigger tool… Super MoodyBitch leapt into action…
"Let me just slip into my SuperMoodyBitch Tights and Cape... Along with The Tiara of Power.
Put on SuperDuty TrashySlut Sash that holds all necessary items to fight evil... like Painkillers, a flask of Tequila, chapstick, hand lotion, a $20 for Just In Case They Don't Take My Debit Card, and a tampon... oh and the debit card... complete with Magic Diva Scepter for bashin' heads and wavin' around arrogantly... And I'll Be Right There!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Even Roy doesn’t mess with Super MoodyBitch. The day she told him everything smells like shit, from the cat box to his breakfast, he just smiled, walked to the backdoor, and said, “Lock me out. Please.”


You can read all about SuperMoodyBitch in Altered Egos. The things you miss by not readin’ the archives and clickin' the links.

tsk tsk tsk.

Join the Hall of Justice and link-up at the RHOK!

Friday, September 03, 2010

Spam, Wild Parties, And My Manhood…

Huh! My Manhood.

Do you ever look at your spam?

I don’t mean open it. I just read the preview and think, “what the fuck?”…  I do.

And now I’m curious, if you get the same stuff.

Do you?

Have you gotten this one: “Bollywood men cashes in on larger tools?”

My first thought was a bunch of Indian Men went to Sears and got a great deal on Craftsmen tools.

But the preview says, “Get a pecker befitting your manhood.”

What part of my VelvetTush makes you think I’m a man??? There’s nothing… NOTHING wrong with my pecker!!

How about this one: “Wild Party leads to Catfight”?

Well Duh!!!

But the preview says, “Upgrade your manhood when you can, do not wait any longer.”

Becuz I need bigger tools for the all the wild parties and impendin’ catfights???

But my most favorite spam and I’m really hopin’ You didn’t get this one, becuz, it’s sounds like it’s written to me personally.

I honestly don’t know how I feel about this either. I have mixed emotions.

MrHeerkes, are you tryin’ to blackmail me?

He… I’m almost ashamed to tell you.

I’ll just spit it out.

Be Brave, Nadine.

He sent me an email with my wife’s photos attached!!!!

sigh.

First, I didn’t know I was married to a woman.

Secondly, how did he get her photos? He’s probably the sneaky bastard that broke into my house and took my photo!!

Thirdly, I hope she’s cute and we have the same size foot.

Fourthly, I hope Roy will like her.

Fifthly, I hope she and I aren’t on the same cycle becuz that would help me out a Great Deal!!!

Huh?

I better stock up that 80% off Viagra!!

Thursday, September 02, 2010

Letter Number 8…

To My Favorite Internet Friend…

I hate to play favorites. Someone always gets their feelin’s hurt!

An old friend sent me a meme thing thru Facebook, and one question was “who is your oldest friend?” I answered honestly. I shared the maternity ward with my oldest friend Bitsy… we were born 3 days apart!

And she and I were friends, well, like forever. 

And the other friend, Diane got her feelin’s hurt. “I thought I was your best friend!”

She Was My Best Friend.

But Bitsy, My Oldest Friend.

Apples and Oranges. Both still are friends.

But Still…

I hate pickin’ favorites. I have so many. I like a lot of different people for a lot of different reasons… sometimes it takes a village.

So I’ll pick a young woman that was one of the first Blogs I read, one of my first internet friends…

To the Maine Biker Chick,

I want to thank you so much for includin’ me into your world. For the good and the bad. You know me and Gina would be up there in a heart beat, kickin’ the door down, if you needed us to do it!

Remember when your photo was in Easy Rider? I hunted down a copy of it, with Roy breathin’ over my shoulder, “is that her?” referrin’ to the bikini clad gal draped over a chopper.

“No, this is her sittin’ on that IceChest right there.” And pointed to you in the crowd of hundreds.

You are not just another gal in the crowd, but truly special.

May all your dreams come true.

I really miss you.

Big Okie Hugs!!

Wednesday, September 01, 2010

Words Galore Wednesday…

Wordless Wednesday is a concept that’s lost on me.
My Momma said I’ve been talkin’ since the day I came home from the hospital and haven’t stopped since so why try now??
IMG_2969 My Bubba’s house.
I helped Daddy put that roof on in 1981.
Weren’t no Insurance company tellin’ them they needed a new roof… DOH!
Weren’t no INSURANCE!!
IMG_2971 Scooter Homesteadin’…
I don’t do it for me.
No. Really. It’s for him.
I Farm for me.
IMG_2973 Bird in the woodstove.
Well no, That’s Jax. But take my word for it. There was a bird in there… For 2 freakin’ days!! Roy didn’t believe me… like the last time I had birds in the attic… remember? At work. Well, I’m not goin’ thru that again!! Poop Every Where!!! No Siree, Bob!
IMG_2974 “Don’t worry. I’ll get you out.”
It was a baby mockingbird. Roy just reached right in there are got it out. Now if he’d only listen to me about that squeaky noise in the car, I’d feel so much better!
IMG_2975 My sewing project.
It’s for Auntie Barb to give to her facial lady.
THE FACIAL LADY that told TheMerryWidow that she didn’t want me to come back to her salon becuz … well… rumors. She’s “Good Christian”! A small minded woman that believed the bullshit that was goes around in this small town. People do lie. People are mean.
Don’t believe everything you hear.
Don’t believe everything you read in a newspaper, either… come to me. I’ll tell you what took place.
Or not.
I cried on AuntieBarb’s shoulder about it all. It hurt.
I had introduced AuntieBarb and the BossLady to THE FACIAL WOMAN. Those ladies have spent a lot of money in her shop. I was NOTHING BUT NICE to her and she blackballed me!
And when AuntieBarb asked me to make it for THE FACIAL LADY, “Would you do it? Will you make Nancy a bag?”
Of Course I Will. “I’m a much better person than her.”
IMG_2978 George. I’m in HIS chair.
He’s back there bumpin’ me, tryin’ to get me to move so he can nap in it.
It didn’t work!
IMG_2979










And if they had the words I could tell to you
to help you on the way down the road,
I couldn't quote you no Dickens, Shelley or Keats
'cause it's all been said before…
Make the best out of the bad… just laugh it off
You didn't have to come here anyway…

rodstewart