Saturday, July 31, 2010

And Then There Was The Divorce...

The throw the shit on the lawn and burn it kinda divorce!!

So, Roy and I made a deal becuz we were both in agreement that we were done with Loretta and StupidAss Eddie.
When I'm done, That's it! I'm Done!!
 And the ins and outs were that if either of us heard from Loretta or StupidAssEddie... other than work related... we were supposed to tell each other. Simple enough.
Well, for whatever reason, Roy was a bit slow in tellin' me EVERYTHING. Not all the calls were work related. And somewhere in the past week, StupidAssEddie managed to put himself in a position to come over for a cookout and nightly swim... Which is "Get my wife drunk so I can fuck her in your pool".

I mean it... Done!

A month or so ago, I reached that point with some members of my family. I committed FaceBookSuicide. I deactivated my account. I do not want to have any further contact with anyone in my family. I do not want any of them knowin' what I am doin' online or off. I shut everything down.
No more road trips.
No more family functions.
No more GiGi... NOTHING.
I closed that door. I am done.
I think the only thing that kept me going was that "Nadine" Had a "Birthday"! All my blogger gals wished me Happy Birthday and I thought, "the world isn't so dark."

So goin' thru that and tryin' very hard to put this whole Loretta and StupidAssEddie thing into prospective with Roy, I had to remind him that if I can walk away from being GiGi, I can easily close the door on Loretta and walk away. He finally got it.
Some people need a baseball bat up side the head to grasp it and he finally got it.

So now StupidAssEddie worked himself into cookout at my house.
I wish I could recant the conversations that I had with Roy... the ones where he's tellin' me that They were comin' over, becuz he knew he was in trouble. He knew I was gonna blow up at any moment. So he told me in spurts. "He wants to come over... but he's not sure... he has no money... and he's been wantin' to do something... blah blah blah..."
And I just took it in and let it simmer.
I'm a big girl. I can suffer thru another evenin' with them.
If I don't have to provide food or entertainment or booze... I can just sit on my floaty and simmer to a boil. Like always.

But when I woke up there was a message on my phone for me. Another broken message from Roy. "Yes... they are comin'... Loretta will be callin'... to know what to bring food wise..."
Hold Up!
I kid you not!
Roy's call, "Adults only... and HE wanted to know if it was okay to wear their thongs..." There was a long pause. On a Voicemail... Roy knew he was in trouble... "And I told him 'whatever they want'. Oh and be nice."
Be Nice!!??!!
I've been Nice and that's the freakin' problem. I'm sick and tired, and tired and sick of being Nice!
When I'm pissed off, I shake. So when you get broken up texts that do not make any sense that's why!!
I think I even dropped my phone I was so pissed off I couldn't see straight!!

Mount Nadine Has Blown!!!!

I regrouped myself. And called my husband... the love of my life. The one that I have stood by for 16 years of good times and some very bad times. The one that I have excommunicated my family for... he was fixinta get his ass kicked!

"So I guess, I'll just call my mother to come up for dinner."
"You heard me. And you know how I feel. I'm tired of being Nice, of being used. I'm not good enough to shop with, but it's okay for them to come over when it fits in or if they don't have money do something better with other people and fuck in my pool."

And he said, "I'll fix it."

Oh, fix it he did. Text and phone calls made to fix it. He told StupidAssEddie that he had sealed his fate when he blew up over us wantin' to take Loretta to eat CrabLegs... So True. That if StupidAssEddie could pick Loretta's friends "then My Wife is Pickin' Mine!"

So it's official. I am divorced from Loretta.

I just closed the door and walked away.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Holy Penis Enlargers, Batman!!

This was left in my Guestbook...

HELP! I’m currently being held prisoner by the Russian mafia xyzrxyz [url=]penis enlargement[/url] xyzrxyz and being forced to post spam comments on blogs and forum! If you don’t approve this they will kill me. xyzrxyz [url=]penis enlargement[/url] xyzrxyz They’re coming back now. xyzrxyz [url=]vimax[/url] xyzrxyz Please send help!

Let me just slip into my SuperMoodyBitch Tights and Cape... Along with The Tiara of Power.
Put on SuperDuty TrashySlut Sash that holds all necessary items to fight evil... like Painkillers, a flask of Tequila, chapstick, hand lotion, a $20 for Just In Case They Don't Take My Debit Card, and a tampon... oh and the debit card...complete with Magic Diva Scepter for bashin' heads and wavin' around arrogantly.... And  I'll Right There!!

Are Freakin' Kiddin' Me??!!??!!

Do you think there'll be Vodka available???

Saturday, July 24, 2010

So You Know...

 Roy and I have not seen Loretta in nearly month. We had that conversation in front of her and StupidAss Eddie way back then... I didn't make that clear enough.
If it weren't for the fact that StupidAss Eddie IS Roy's boss, we'd never have to speak of him ever again. Little twist of fate you might not have known about... a fact that StupidAss Eddie likes!

My laptop died and I'm havin' to use the desktop... And it's like watchin' molasses roll up hill in the winter!!
I don't know how I'm gonna farm!!??
There's no way I can homestead!!

But I'll try.

I have to try.

But if you don't see me around BlogWorld that's why.

Hugs and have a good weekend.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

30 letters…

I found this on “They Belong To Us”  from Margaret and I want to do it. I think it will be good for me, therapeutically. A long time ago, my therapist told me to write letters to those that I was angry with or hurt by, so I did. I never mailed any of the letters. But it got a lot of bitterness out of me.

Join me. Blog it or not… that’s your call.

You’re supposed to write one letter a day. I doubt I’ll write one a day but like Margaret, I’ll do all 30 in my own time. And you know me well enough that I’ll put my own Nadine Twist on it… 

Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush/ Boyfriend
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

That last one should be interestin’!!

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Random Photos…

IMG_2942 My spider babies… there’s 7.

IMG_2951He’s worried he’s overweight.

IMG_2958 My cat has a shoe fetish.

IMG_2931 I’m so short even I cut my head off in photos.

It’s too freakin’ hot to blog so this is what you get.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Now Taking Applications For 2nd Husband…

I hate Roy’s job. I think I hate it more than him… which is a lot. He’s cranky. Crankier than normal let me put it that way. I’m used to his demeanor. But to the outside world, he’s an asshole. A cranky asshole. But this job makes him worse. He bites my head off one more time and I’ll lock him up in the pool area again!

I wonder how he got out??

And he sleeps all the time. Well, he makes an attempt to sleep… all the time!! So there’s the lack of sleep which makes him more crankier… if that were possible.

And becuz he has all that shit goin’ on he can’t do the things he loves… well he does do me.

But he doesn’t mow. He loves to mow! You know that! Remember when tornadoes were droppin’ from the sky all around us and he was out there mowin’? '

The grass in my yard is knee deep. The JohnsonGrass is about to head! That shit seeds and I’ll never be rid of it!!

My yard is so bad the grasshoppers can’t keep up!

My yard is  so bad… I volunteered to do it! So you know IT’S BAD! And he said, “oh no! You’ll cut your foot off or something. I’ll get to it.”

A while back we were floatin’ around in the pool becuz I’m hopin’ for him to chill out… unwind… stop bitchin’… something… when he says, “we need to hire a pool boy.”


Now he doesn’t want to tend to the pool either?? I have been thru some pretty tough times with this man and I wonder if this fuckin’ job has done him in! The Shootin’ incident. The Car Wreck. The Ordeal with the Girls. His Loggin’ Days. His Broken Ankle. We have been on a roller coaster of emotions and some piece of shit sit on your ass in the A/C job is gonna do him in????

And he continued, “And we need some to mow.”

He’s got that right!

So I added, “That’s exactly what I need. I need a 2nd husband! Someone to pick up the slack! To take me places, to shop, to travel with, to go the movies with, and not belly ache about EVERYTHING!”

He nearly fell outta his floatie! He tried to have a 2nd Wife so it’s only fair.

“ I suppose he’ll need to be young and handsome with a big dick.”


“Honey, I don’t care about shit like that! I need a companion to do things with and if he’ll mow the yard, Great!”

Seriously, people. I didn’t quit my job to hang out at home alone. I quit to hang out with Roy!

But hey! If the new guy is younger… cool!

And will mow with his shirt off like Roy did… cool!

But the best part of this whole conversation… The abso-fuckin’-lutly best part… is we had it front of Loretta and Eddie.

Now why would I need a 2nd hub is my best friend was doin’  her job??

Roy, I get.

Her, I don’t.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Vacays, All-Clad and Loretta…

Roy finally had two days in a row off and we went to Branson.

Well first, I called Jesse to see what her plans were… and her schedule didn’t jive with Roy’s. So that was when I text’d Loretta. And she never replied.

So Roy and I went alone. And we had a great time at Branson Landing… I got him drunk and parked him on a bench and I shopped peacefully. Came home with a cute pair of pink flats and an All-Clad colander. I love All-Clad!!! Roy spoiled me one Christmas with a set. I’m a lucky gal! Most women would cringe at the thought of cookware for Christmas… It’s All-Clad!!! It’s the Cadillac of Cookware! But he knows better than to buy me a Kirby vacuum… since I’m not allowed to vacuum I’d just as soon not have a fancy schmancy dirt picker upper!

We went to Landry’s … That was THE Best Food since Galveston. Yes it was that good!! Roy had the biggest lobster tail we’ve ever seen!! We had a good time.

Anyway, Roy and I talked back and forth durin’ the day about Loretta and Eddie and just exactly how we fit into THEIR lives. We don’t! We’ve known them for 10 years and it’s been very hurtful… for me… to be treated so poorly. To make matters worse, Loretta is totally oblivious to all of it. She prides herself for being “in her own little World” and enjoys life in “her bubble”.  She’s told me so!She doesn’t read the latest books. She doesn’t know what’s in style and what’s not. She doesn’t know who the movie stars are and doesn’t care to go to the movies. But most importantly, she has no clue how stressed I am over all this. I think it’s rude for her to not respond to my text… bad manners! But it’s not the first time this sorta thing has happened. I have in the past sent emails inviting them to go with us to different places and she didn’t respond to any of them. But this text… is the last straw.

I’ve finally got Roy on the same page as me with it. No more invitations are to be extended to them to come over and grill or swim or out to eat or anything… WE ARE DONE!

So Roy and I are walkin’ in SilverDollarCity when the alert on my cell goes off… it’s Loretta. I didn’t even look at it. I just stewed over it for about 30 minutes. I had to tell Roy about it. “huh! What did it say?”

‘What time are you getting home?’

“huh! Did you tell her?”

“Oh Hell No!”

And here’s the part I don’t get… he said, “You should tell her a time and find out what she wants.”


I thought we were adamant about cuttin’ them out of our lives!!!

“you send her a text becuz you’re a better person than that.” blah blah blah…

AM I!!!!???????

So I did. I sent her a text expectin’ for her to text back some sorta self invitation for her family to come over and swim in MY FREAKIN’ POOL!!!




She never text me another message!

So now I have something else to stew over for the rest of the frickin’ day… Are they over there right now in my pool when I’M AT NOT HOME!!!!???????

So I told Roy my fears and worries… I am a good person and I will  share just about everything I have with my friends, if I give it to you or you ask, I’ll share. BUT I DRAW THE LINE AT DOING THINGS BEHIND MY BACK OR TAKIN’ THINGS WITHOUT ASKIN’! I’m good shit but I sure don’t like being shit on! Wouldn’t that be the ultimate slap in the face if your so called best friends had a party at your house while you were gone????

Roy was ready to go at that statement! He had turned the pool filter off becuz if it had stormed, the pool would fill up with leaves and clog up the skimmer and burn up the filter motor. Roy’s very picky about HIS STUFF. He’s not so liberal as me.

We didn’t find any evidence of anyone being there… Thank Goodness!

She never called after that or text. No self invites no nothing… then why did she want to know when we were gonna get home???

Anyone have a clue?

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Wanted: New Best Friend

Now acceptin’ applications for my new best friend. The old one sucks!

I text her an invite to meet us at SilverDollarCity Friday… sent Tuesday.  She has a cell phone in her pocket everywhere she goes. Once she emailed from her job to say went off and forgot her phone at home and she felt lost... Totally frazzled!!

Do you know what Roy did???

He rode his motorcycle over to her home and got it for her!!  But when I text a message to her, it’s not answered. So just exactly who’s call is she waitin’ to get if it’s not mine??!!??

My next friend can have a husband but he must not be in control of you… totally unacceptable!!! The last time she was here, she mentioned something about goin’ for pedicures and of course I said sure. I’m the sorta person that you suggest something like that, I’m half way to the car before I realize you didn’t mean RIGHT THIS MINUTE. She wanted to go some Friday… okay. StupidAssEddie spoke up and said something to her that I didn’t hear and she hasn’t mentioned it since… well come to think of it she hasn’t talked to me since that day. And here I sit with faded polish needin’ to trim my nails!!

My next friend may have children but said children will have manners. Children will not chase my cats… should children get their  little asses bit, you were warned! Children will not touch my breakables… I don’t have many but what I have means something to me. They may try on my shoes and hats. Oddly enough, small children can wear my shoes. I have lots. They are cute shoes. I feel I’m sharin’ my love of pretty things with the children something their mother doesn’t do as she looks like she just rolled off a hay truck.

I’m not that demandin’. I just expect friendship, shoppin’, eatin’ out, and maybe a movie. My last best friend, walked out on XMen Wolverine!!!

What the Hell???!!!!!

It was too stressful for her. It’s a fuckin’ fantasy, it’s not real. Lighten Up Francis!!!

I’m not a bar fly. Never have been and I never will be.

If I drive, I don’t drink.

You’re welcome to just about everything I have… even if it my last one or my husband.

I make a great margarita and The Best Guacamole!

Next week Applications will be taken for a 2ndHusband.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Stupid Shit Phone Calls…

Roy and I have odd conversations. We always have and I know that we always will. We’ve bickered about everything… anything… nothing. We tell each other everything, never leavin’ out the littlest details from literally shit to shinola… though I don’t remember the shinola argument but the shit one is just too gross to retell.

It’s nothing for him to call umpteen bazillion times a day to tell me stupid shit. He’ll be hunting and text me or make a run to the post office and feel the need to call me about the dead opossum in the road. With a cell phone strapped to his hip, why not just call me on a whim… and he does.

So Saturday, he worked a day shift and was bored outta his mind, so he called me several times. But the most interestin’ stupid shit call that day was about movies and people peein’ their pants. He was watchin’ “Unforgiven” with Clint Eastwood and apparently someone pees their pants becuz they’re scared. Roy doesn’t believe that you can scare the peewater out of them, “their muscles are tightened up and nobody can pee that way! You have to relax and then you can pee peaceful. I’ve never heard of anyone peein’ or shittin’ their drawers when scared.”

I beg to differ. A dog will pee when afraid. Turtles and Toads when you pick them up.. that’s how you get warts. Right?  I went back and forth with him but he does have a point. You wreck a car or jump when you see a snake your muscle tighten up. But I said, “you have to agree with me that a person can pee their pants when they laugh or sneeze.”

And he was silent for only a moment.

“Well, that’s a fat girl thing. I never have!”

So weigh in… Does Hollywood have it wrong and a person can’t pee their pants in fear?

And we’ll all kick later for that fat girl remark.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Is This Heaven???

“No. This is Iowa.” Field of Dreams… or Roy Hightower the minute he crosses the border into Iowa.

When Roy was 9 or 10 years old, his parents shipped him to Iowa to spend time on his Aunt’s farm. Imagine that... Send a 10 year old on a Greyhound from Texas to Iowa alone. That was a different time! But that’s not the point. He was sent to help out on the farm. He learn to work hard and to do a good job when you do it. A work ethic he still carries with him. He was drivin’ tractors, detasslin’ corn, walkin’ the beans, and haulin’ hay. And let me tell you, he was in Heaven!!

Roy would have rather gone to Iowa and worked his butt off than stay home with his parents. Even back then, he didn’t want to spend time with them. He has an emotional bond to his aunt that is stronger than the one to his mother… his mom is a trip! He had 3 cousins that lived there too… all girls. They consider him a brother more than a cousin. And still do.

When he graduated high school, he headed to Iowa. He would have stayed there and been a farmer all his life if one stupid red-haired girl had not broken his heart. Thank Goodness for her!!!

A couple days ago he received a Text from one of the cousins sayin’ she was comin’ to Oklahoma for a quick visit on her way to Texas and wondered how we could work it out. If he could visit with her, he’d make the trip to OKC to see the OldFolks… though his mother has been beggin’ since I don’t know when for us to come see them. Those people just flat make him nuts!

He went once after a big ice storm to make some money cleanin’ up trees but his brother and dad fought so much over picky shit Roy just came home. I wonder sometimes if it becuz he doesn’t want to see them being so old or what. I hate goin’ becuz I can’t be me. I have to watch everything I say so that it doesn’t hurt someone feelin’s. But I’m to keep my mouth shut if his mother says something hurtful to me. And I’m not one to keep my mouth shut. Hell’s Bells I’ve excommunicated my own family becuz of hurtful things said to me, I’m damn sure not goin’ to take it lyin’ down from his!!

So when we go to OKC we make it short and as painless as possible. Just Grin and Bear It!

We did have a good visit with his cousin and her husband and when they left we hightailed home!! Kid you not! They weren’t gone 5 minutes!!

Heaven is Iowa. For Us OKC is Hell!

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Fans, Badges, and Spiders…

You know how I feel about Facebook. And I thought why not do what every other creative blogger has done and use FB as the networkin’ tool that it is, so I created a Fan Page for my little blog. You’ll see a badge for it to the right… along with a badge to “Friend Me”.

I created another Twitter account… since someone took Velvettush … you’ll have to look for MzVelvettush. That’s one me!

You may follow me, I’ll follow you. Friend me and I’ll accept. Be A Fan, And I’ll Love You ForEver!!

And you don’t even have to thrill me with showin’ me your sexy undies to do it… MSN and You had to be there.

Annnnd… just so you know, I did indeed release the spider babies into the wild… what I could find still in the nest. There are at least 3 still livin’ peacefully in the bathroom. I can spook them and they jump off the towels or the toilet, then I grab the repellin’ line and move them to some other area that they can be little spiders and not bite me when I towel off after a shower or need to pee.

The ones in the wild, well, a pray mantis came a runnin’ yellin’ somethin’ about dinner when I put the nest on the ground. UGH!!

Let’s weigh this out… get squished by a bigass white woman when she sits on the toilet or be eaten by a horse doctor??? 

Tough Call.

PS: I will still use the other Twitter Account… it’s linked to the TweetDeck and I’m not changin’ it. It’s locked and YOU have to be Very Special to get in that one.

PPS: Can you tell when I’m happy?

Friday, July 09, 2010

Spider Invasion…

The other day a spider’s nest hatched out in the bathroom… those fuzzy black jumpin’ spiders.
They can be big. Not tarantula size but scary just the same. Many people confuse them with black widows… becuz well their black.

But anyway… they hatched out in the bathroom.
I sat down on the toilet and reached for the toilet paper when I noticed a tiny black bug on the roll. My first thought was it was a tick. But then I saw more… way too many to be ticks. I’ve only seen that many ticks on dogs and cats.
And just then one repelled from the TP and was danglin’ mid air… that cinched it for me!

I tried to take a photo of them but they were just too tiny to photograph. When I zoomed in, it was too blurry. And at wide angle… well my bathroom is too dirty for that!

I’m sorta Zen about bugs… At least with spiders. They eat flies.
I hate flies.
And ticks.
And maggots… but that’s not really a bug so much… well neither are spiders… that whole leg thing and all but that’s not the point. I don’t kill bugs unless it’s a fly or a tick… and roaches.
And let’s not forget those sting bees from the pool!!! I tried to be all Zen with them but they are just so freakin’ hateful…
Just the other evenin’, there was a locust crawlin’ on the porch the other night… I walked around it on my way into the house. But when I went in later in the evenin’ I saw where someone had stepped on it! I was tipsy enough to tell Roy all about it… just a cicada tryin’ to find a place to shed its shell!! “And some dumbass stepped on it!!” He knows how I feel about bugs… and furry critters. And he was shushin’ me as he didn’t want our guests to know that I was pissed that THEY HAD KILLED THIS INNOCENT BUG!!
Roy is damn lucky I let him hunt deer!!

So my bathroom is inhabited by spiders. Lots of baby jumpin’ spiders.
Later in the day, I told Roy about the spiders. And he said, “did you send them on their way?”
He knows better.
The sayin’ “would never harm a fly” is lost on me. Flies I kill but Spiders… live.
I saw the Momma spider a week or so ago and left her be ,not thinkin’ she was makin’ a nest under my jewelry box!!!
“No. I just let them do their thing. They weren’t botherin’ me so I let them be baby spiders learnin’ to repel.”
“Becuz they are so cute.”
He’s mockin’ me!!

“Yes they are just so precious!”
And he cracked up.

They were gone when he was in the bathroom but I noticed this am they are back to the repellin’ lessons and makin' little webs... they're just so precious!

And they're on the toilet… I may have to rethink being Zen about spiders.

Thursday, July 08, 2010

Send A Search Party!!!

It was time to pay bills, so Roy sat down with the checkbook to balance it up. “Do you have any receipts?”

I dug around in my purse and went thru my wallet and found 5. I handed them to him and walked away.

A bit later he yells, “Are you sure this is all of them?”

“Pretty sure!” but went thru my purse again. Sometimes, I just stuff them down there… becuz  that’s easiest. “No! That’s all of them!”


I walked back in the livin’ room… “What do you mean ‘what’? That’s all of them.”

“This just can’t be ALL OF THEM!”

“I can’t pull one from my ass!”

“I can’t believe HelllMart hasn’t sent out a search party for you. You’ve haven’t been there in 12 days!! I have entries for every other day and you haven’t been in 12 days!! What the Hell?!?”


“I had a bad week. Remember?”

“Oh yeah, I forgive you for not goin’ to HellMart for 12 days.”


Wednesday, July 07, 2010

Roy, His Truck And No Brakes…

Roy loves his truck. He bought it in 1989 brand spankin’ new! Over the past 21 years, he’s put nearly 300,000 miles on it. It’s been a very good truck… it’s a Toyota!
But things have had to be replaced… a long list of things. I mean if you’re gonna put nearly 300,000 miles on something, things are gonna need to be replaced! When the timin’ chain failed, it was a very sad day to see it on a rollback… tears fell.
That truck and I have history! I had sex in that truck!
I let it roll down the driveway with a truckload of dogs… that was pretty damn excitin’ for all involved!! It didn’t damage the truck at all but I couldn’t drive for all the hyperventilatin’!!
We need a new seat. I can’t drive it anymore becuz of the seat being broke.
It needs a driver’s door… And that was his fault.
The emergency brake has been broke for 13 years! And let me tell you that would be real handy right now. Our beloved little red truck has no brakes!!
Roy has noticed that the brakes haven’t been workin’ correctly for a couple of months but didn’t really give it a lot of thought until the day we were comin’ home from town and it barely stopped in time to keep from rear endin’ the car stopped in front of us! But he kept drivin’ it!!
The final shoe dropped when he could not stop it comin’ home from work one mornin’… Scared him it did! They are re-pavin’ the road at the bottom of a hill and he couldn’t stop! He was goin’ slow enough that he could turn circles in the road… it’s a really wide intersection… and slow his momentum enough to stop in the line of cars waitin’ to be escorted thru the construction zone. He musta looked like a mad man.
 He’s damn lucky he had room to make circles!
 He’s damn lucky there wasn’t a lot of traffic!!
He got it home safely. But the problem is gettin’ it town to our mechanic! He thought long and hard about it. And came to the conclusion that he would drive it to town.
Drive it.
15 miles.
Without Brakes.
Now one would think that I would be havin’ kittens over this plan, but no. I am his partner in crime. In a bar fight I wouldn't be cowered in the corner, I'd be helpin' him kick ass!!
His plan was that he wanted to set the alarm for 3AM so that there wouldn’t be other people on the road. And he would drive it over and leave it at the shop of our mechanic.
I would follow him… he didn’t want me in front becuz if I was stopped and he couldn’t, he didn’t want to rear end his own car. “But don’t YOU hit Me!” he said.
Yeah, right!
Like I would do that!
But after lookin’ at the HBO schedule he decided to go after he watched True Blood. The man has priorities.
So he says, “why are you so calm about this?”
“Becuz you’re drivin’ it.”
Well, I know he’ll do what needs to be done. They speak of him in reverent tones of his abilities in a patrol car. He will get that truck to the mechanic without incident… and that’s what we did… smooth as silk.
Drove it 15 miles without brakes at midnight to our mechanic so that beloved truck can be fixed.

Hire a wrecker… now that would make too much sense.

Tuesday, July 06, 2010

Life Is Just Tough!!

So one day, I’m sittin’ here mindin’ my own business tryin’ to play FrontierVille… it’s my new diversion… when the game decided to go all wonky and slow and tell me  “DANGER! DANGER WILL ROBINSON!!”
Well okay, it said “Error, Refresh.'” over… and over… and over…
Fuck it. I’m goin’ to the pool.
If only it were that simple.
I have to find a dry swimsuit.
I have to put on Sunblock SPF 3500 and then I have to “cure” for 30 minutes… So while I “cure” I check emails and make sure my Farm is in order.
Then off to the pool.
I have to gather up my hat.
And towel.
Oh wait... My house keys.
Walk out the door.
Stop.! Becuz I know I have forgotten something.
It’s too quiet.
I need the radio.
Unlock the house, set down the phone to pick up the radio. And walk out the house.
Walk about 3 steps, Shit!
No phone.
Now this trip into the house I will take off my sunglasses becuz the house is too dark to see where I put my phone.
Let out Monster.
Becuz he’s an asshole.
So I have put EVERYTHING DOWN to get him becuz he’s an asshole and will not just GO BACK IN.
You don’t just pick Monster up. He will gut you with his Ninja Claws. Plus I have sunblock on and I really don’t want cat hair stuck to me! I have to pick him up a certain why or it’s a trip to the ER to put my innerds back in.
 Picture him as a baby, I have grabbed up under his "arms" and I have to hand that baby with the stinky diaper to its mother, Ninja Claws away from my soft belly and vital organs… as far as my arms will stretch. Once he is back in the house and I’m not bleedin’ I gather up all my stuff again.
Once out to the pool area, find the classic rock station. I don’t know who put it on that Roberta Flack Station. I’m not into that. I’m a HeadBanger.
I have to set up the umbrella… becuz I need to have shade.
Scoop out all the bugs… and there not just any old bugs but they have stingers and are pissed off!! That takes at least 10 minutes
Once I have that done, re-adjust the radio and then get in the pool.
Get stung by one bug I didn’t get out… those bastard hurt!!
15 minutes on each side.
10 in the shade.
And now I have to pee.
At least I don’t have to carry the Radio back in but do I have to go thru that whole process again.
The sunglasses, towel, the phone, and Monster.


Friday, July 02, 2010

Happy Independence Day!!

Oklahoma State Capital… that horse is a… got his pony bits near that there cactus.
Have safe and happy 4th of July!!

Thursday, July 01, 2010

3 Things I Learned From The Thug…

From the time I saw him. I could go on all day long all the things I actually learned from him. I just narrow it down to that last visit.
1) That he still carried a torch for me… after 8 yrs!
This one I wasn’t surprised. I told him I would haunt his dreams. He is the one that screwed up a good thing. Not me.
  But I’m so glad he did. If he hadn’t been the way he was… and still is… a whore mongerin’ druggie I wouldn’t be where I am now.
2) That he wanted to “do me right.”
He did me right… forwards and backwards!! That was never an issue. But he never got that Break-Up Fuck. And that’s what he wanted.
I laughed in his face.
If it hadn’t been for Roy, I might have done it. Me, being a Trashy Slut and all. Being married to EarlLee didn’t stop me… But the relationship I had with Roy, did.
3) That he thought he was EdithAnne’s father.
It was like this. He came a knockin’ on my door one evenin’ to “talk” to me. I let him, just as Sookie let’s a Vampire in her home. And the whole time he was there he kept eyeballin’ EdithAnne!! And turn his head side ways as if he was tryin’ to see some sort of resemblance between him and her.
So I laughed in his face and rescinded his invite and POOF! He was gone.
EdithAnne told her daddy what had happened, “I should buy your Momma a gun but she’d just use it on me.”
So True.