Thursday, June 24, 2010

Neater Than Shit!!!

IMG_2870 Roy’s job is an easy pud job that he hates. With a Passion!

He’s an adrenaline junky. He’s been in manhunts. He’s been in high speed pursuits. He’s been in shoot outs. He did a job that he would have Paid To DO It!! When the Military went to Afghanistan, he would have LOVED to re-enlisted!! He watched every news story he could just to see the Marines’ kickin’ Ass!! He watched it more than porn!

  He’s not an answer the phone and be sweet to the public kinda guy… which is what his job entails.

So when his boss said, “I need a volunteer to climb the tower to check the water level.” he jump at it. His co-workers were silent. None of them would do it.

I received a picture message on my phone as I was leavin’ Ada, Oklahoma of a man on the end of ladder on a fire engine. I was drivin’ so I didn’t think a thing about it. When I stopped and looked at it more closely… SHIT A BRICK! That’s my husband!!!

When I got home I got to hear the whole story behind the photo. And the call came again… “We need you to climb the tower.” We rolled outta the pool, gathered up the video equipment, and headed out. I was so excited!! He’s just neater than shit.

But a huge Thunderstorm stopped his climb… Lightening put a damper on it. The next mornin’ I was sittin’ in the parkin’ lot across from tower filmin’ the whole thing… When my cell phone starts playin’ the Marine Corps Hyme.

What the hell!!???

When he climbed the tower the first time, he left all his personal items on the ground for fear of droppin’ them either in the water tank or clear to the ground. So when my cell goes off with his ring… What the hell!!!!???

Is someone Fuckin’ with me?!!!!???

So I answer it, “What The Hell????”

Roy says, “I’m on top of World!!”

IMG_2877

He’s just neater than shit!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Mothers, Daughters, And Southern Comfort…

EdithAnne had bought herself a bottle of Southern Comfort to help enjoy her vacation. By Monday evenin’, she and her sister were polishin’ it off.
Oh how those girls laughed!!
EdithAnne has a lot of her mother’s qualities. She gets lost easy. She’s forgetful. She’s goofy in a quirky way. The best way to describe EdithAnne is she is a true “Alice in Wonderland”.
She’s smart, she could do anything she set her mind to do… but she wakes up in a different world everyday. And when she’s had too much to drink, she talks a lot.
A Lot. Just like her mother.
And I let her talk.
She proceeded to tell me that there are people that believe she has a different father.
Lost?
When I was in HighSchool, I dated a thug… the guy that looked like Slash. imagesHe is part Creek Indian and tans really dark. I broke up with him and started dating EarlLee one week later…   9 months later, I was pregnant with EdithAnne.
I might have been around the block a time or two. I may deserve that “TrashySlut” Tiara and Sash but I didn’t not cheat on EarlLee with The Thug! When we broke up, there wasn’t even a last kiss so there was no last roll in the hay!!
EdithAnne was born with olive skin and jet black hair and looked like a perfect little Indian baby.
There are people that think he is EdithAnne’s father… to this day!

EarlLee never doubted he was her father. He as sandy blonde hair and might tan if he wasn’t afraid of being in the sun… long story.
To make matters worse, EudoraMae was born blondish and fair skinned. There was no doubt in anyone’s mind who her father is.

I told EdithAnne, “Honey, Never Doubt It. No Matter What People Tell You, No Matter What They Whisper, I’m Your Mother.”

She cracked up.

And since EdithAnne was on a roll, she told me she thinks her Daddy carries a torch for me!!
"Dad is sooooo Stupid!!"

I was a bit shocked by that!!
He and I… There’s been blood shed.
No Wonder His Wife Was A Bitch!!!
She thinks so too!!!!
Dumb Bitch!!

I told Roy about it, “They all carry a torch for you!!”

Once when I was still married to EarlLee, TheThug came by for a visit. He wanted to sleep with me. He wanted to “make things right”… he just wanted that Break-Up Fuck he didn’t get.
 I could have a 3 Things I learned from just that visit… And I think that’s what I will do so you’ll come back.

Iz Haz Good JuJu!!

Monday, June 21, 2010

A Motorcycle, Short Skirts, And The Silver Saddle…

To steal, means takin’ something from someone that owns it or possesses it. Correct?

If you take my lawn furniture off my front porch that’s stealin’. Damn Neighbors!! I kinda miss that furniture! And the neighbor’s took it! That’s Roy’s story and he’s stickin’ to it!!

But if you take a rock from the ditch across the road, It’s not mine. I don’t own it. I don’t possess it. It’s not stealin’!

That’s my rationalization for being the catalyst for breakin’ up two marriages.

Roy’s wife didn’t own or possess his heart. I did.

The first time I saw Roy, he was in his uniform. I was not impressed. Don’t get me wrong. He was hot in that uniform!! He was never one of those donut eatin’ overweight cops… He was and still is… fine!! I just had a problem with him being a cop! You see the week before I met Roy, I had been ticketed for sellin’ beer to a minor at the convenience store where I worked. The cops had sent her in to buy and I stupidly thought I could judge a person’s age… and I could not. So when Roy strutted in and glared at me, I glared right back!

“You here on personal business or professional?”  I said to him.

He replied, “professional.”

I pointed to the back room, “The manager’s right back there.”

I went on about my job. I didn’t need anymore trouble.

And oh what trouble he was bringing!! He was smitten right off!

From that day on… right up to yesterday… we bickered with each other about everything, and about nothing. He just wanted to be near me. He came to see me 3 times a day. I only worked a 4 hour shift!!

He loved my short skirts. He was always right there to hold the ladder for me when I had to change the sign. I guess he was worried about my safety!

Right! I wore thong panties under those short skirts.

He gave me fits and I gave them right back!! He got lippy with me one day about the squeegee bucket and how he needed to wash the windows on the patrol car and left the buildin’. My feathers were ruffled!! I picked up the bucket that was catchin’ the water from the iced Pepsi displayed and trotted myself out there to the gas pumps with it. He was sittin’ in the patrol car and he saw me comin’. He had the goofiest grin on his face. I reared back with that bucket of water and threw it all over the windshield!!

“Problem Solved!!”

The look on his face went from the joy of watchin’ his beloved walk across the parkin’ lot to “what the fuck did she just do?”  to “isn’t she just the cutest thing ever” in 3.2 seconds!!

He came to the store on his Harley. It was the first time I saw him without his patrol car or his uniform… but in his leathers. He took me for a ride that day just up the street… an innocent ride. Sorta. He likes to show off so my ride was a bit peppy. After he left, he started to think that maybe I hadn’t like the ride, that maybe he had scared me. He came back and apologized.

And I was hooked… He genuinely cared for me. I got hit on quite a bit by all sorts but here was this guy that actually cared.

We toyed with each other for about 3 months before he worked up enough nerve to “ask me out.” Keep in mind we were married to other people!! I didn’t want to be involved with a married man. I didn’t mind havin’ an affair… just not a married man. I had no love for EarlLee. No respect for him. I was done with him. I just couldn’t get rid of him.

Roy was my 3rd… and last affair. So I knew how to not get emotionally involved… a No Strings Fling. And off to the SilverSaddleMotel we went!!  Ride ‘em CowGirl!!

But some where along the way those strings attached themselves to my heart. The Divorces happened. I danced outta the courthouse. I was shed of that lazyass bastard EarlLee!! Roy “pulled me over” on the way home and I dance on the side of the road!! Done! With! EarlLee!

One month later Roy divorced his wife and we were married 6 months and 1 day after that.

 The Ladies of RHOK posed the question of “What if Daddy and Mommy Switch Places for a day or two?”

We do that all the time!! Some times I’m on top and some times we do it on the couch… or swimmin’ pool. And that’s some good sex if it goes on for 2 days.

No? Not what you wanted?

I blogged about last week’s question “How did you meet your spouse?” Such a much better story to tell.

Friday, June 18, 2010

3 Things Said To GiGi…

1) “Nipples. Sometimes there gone. And sometimes there here.” My 4 Year Grandson announced that as we were unloadin’ the car from swimmin’ as he pointed to his chest.

Dumbfounded, GiGi stood there and thought about the complexities of her own nipples. “So True.”

2) “Let’s play that game in your bed so when GiGi wakes up, she’ll have BuzzLightyear stuck in her butt crack!”

All the little people laughed. My daughter said that!! Before she started drinkin’!!

Just what GiGi needs!!

3) “GiGi, will you tie my balloon?”

My oldest grandson said it when fillin’ his water balloon. So GiGi tied it... Just before being hit with it!!!

And I tied every stinkin’ one of them that was thrown at me!!!!

And for Honorable Mention: “GiGi, Can I sleep with you?”

Sure!! Some of my best memories are sleepin’ with my Granny. So my oldest grandson slept with me.

And he fidgeted. I hate fidgetin’!! How I can I snuggle with a fidgeter?!

FIDGETED!!!! For Like EVER!!

At least 5 minutes!!!

And when he stopped, he was asleep.

At some point in the night he started turnin’ so that his feet were at my knees, in my crotch, and then in my stomach! This went on all night long! Until he had his feet in my chest!

That was just the first night!! He slept with me every night!!

GiGi Was Pooped Out!!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

I Ran Away From Home…

For about 4 days.

I needed a break from Roy and all the shit that goes on here. So I called my youngest, EudoraMae, to get ready for a visit… which means, “Clean the House!! Mom’s Comin’”

Then I called EdithAnne, she’s my oldest, to get ready to go with me… which means, “Get Your Husband Lined Out!”

Roy could handle life on his own!

There’s nothing really wrong with the two of us, other than that whole swingin’ thing he keeps buggin’ me about... Later about that.

I just wanted to do something I WANTED TO DO! See Shrek.

I have to drive 250 miles across the state to see a freakin’ movie!!

Whatever!

I picked up EdithAnne Saturday AM and headed south. We laughed wonderin’ what wrong turn we would take… And of course I did. I didn’t end up in Broken Arrow this time.

Some days I can’t find my way outta wet paper bag!

Loved the Shrek Movie!! I have 4 grandsons. 3 enjoyed the movie, one was a bit cranky. Thank Goodness GiGi bought popcorn and huge soda pops!! Picked up a new term for stinky boys with diapers… Rumple StinkyPants!! 2 of the boys are still in diapers. One is a “just in case” thing.

And boys do stink. I raised girls. And I have no clue to what boys like… that little GameBoyThing seems to hold their attention!

My oldest grandson knows EXACTLY what game he wants. And He knows EXACTLY when his mother gets paid so she’ll buy it for him. But GiGi bought it. EudoraMae needs to spend her money on other things. She has started a new job and is takin’ a class at the local college. She’s on her own raisin’ those 3 boys and so I bought the Game.

And while we were at Hellmart, we ran smack dab into EarlLee!!

I am so damn lucky!!

I fixed a fake smile on my face and nodded when I should and was polite when I needed.

“Look PaPa! What GiGi bought me??!!!”

SCORE!!!

For GiGi!!!

So that smile wasn’t fake.

And of course his wife was with him, and she didn’t even try to be fake!! Bitch!!

Even If I did gain 11 pounds, I’m still skinnier!!

And that smile was real too.

When EdithAnne and I got in the car, she said, “I can cross Dad off the list of people to visit this trip.” One quick hug at HellMart and she’s good. She’s loves her Daddy “but he’s stupid”…. more about that later.

After a trip to the liquor store we headed to EudoraMae Apartment… Chill!! I didn’t buy the liquor. I didn’t need it. But the trip was a vacation for EdithAnne and she wanted it… More about that later.

GiGi didn’t need it, she’s got HappyPills!!!

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

I Made Notes…

Nipples, GiGi’s Butt Crack, Feet in Chest, Rumple Stinky Pants, Paternity, Water Tower.

Are you curious???

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Outta Pocket...

I've been gone.
I've got lots to tell.
I'll do it later.

Big Hugs, Lots of Love and Too Much Tequila!!

Sunday, June 13, 2010

One of My Obsession...

I have a few.

But my car is at the top of the list....you thought Roy?
He has his moments. This isn't one of them!

I love this car!


And though, Roy does not give me any credit for it, I am a good driver.....CLICK HERE.
It's his own fault!
He's the one that puts those ideas in my head!!

But on with the show...
When we came back from one of our vacations... and Roy did all the driving... something was not quite right with the car. It didn't shift right. I let it go for about 2 days thinkin' I was just outta practice but it just kept gettin' worse!
"Honey, you need to check the car."
He rolls his eyes, "What now?"
What Now??
I have I ever been wrong about something being wrong with the car????

"Name one time I was wrong about the car?"
He couldn't do it... of course you can't!
JERK!!
But he didn't go out and look... at all!!!
"Fine, I'll just take to MY MECHANIC!!!"
He hates it when I use the MECHANIC CARD!!!
"All they want to do is sleep with you!"
Honestly, I don't care what they want. I got power steerin' fluid for free. And no bodily fluids were swapped. You do it your way and I'll do it mine!
So I played my Mechanic Card and all he said was, "You may have to do it. I don't have time."

Yes, that great crash that you heard was me fallin' off my pedestal!
NO TIME FOR ME!!!!!
Okay, out comes the The All Powerful Card.
GET MY WAY CARD... and that never fails!!
It's as easy as "The Bend and Snap."
Works with just about EVERY MAN I'VE DEALT WITH.
And no bodily fluids are swapped.
I pouted.
I stomped my foot.
I batted my eyelashes.
And I said, "But It Will Make Me Happy."
NEVER FAILS!!!
And I'm placed back on my pink satin goose down pillow on top of my pedestal.
He checked the fluids and the shifter.
He was perplexed about how to get inside of the boot around the shifter... I was not.
It can unsnapped rather easy. The bolts holding the shifter in place had loosened and one was completely out!
No wonder it wouldn't go in the right gear! There was too much play...really sloppy movement. There is no room for sloppy in a race car!
He tightened it all back up and problem solved!!

And that's all he had to do in the first place... listen to me.
Have I ever been wrong about the car??

Thursday, June 10, 2010

3 Things That I Don’t Get…

At this time.
You know there’s a long freakin’ list of things I don’t get like why for all that is Blessed and Holy can’t I Capitalize flippin’ Numbers???
Seriously. #$%??? WTF????
But I’ll narrow it down for you.

1)You know how I have one boob bigger than the other… the left one…. Decidedly Bigger!
And how it bugs the livin’ shit outta me.
And I’m not gettin’ any sympathy from Roy over this major ordeal. Though, if he said, let’s go down and fix it, I’d fall over dead.
DEAD RIGHT THERE!!
Well, guess which one is more sun kissed than the other?
The Right One!!!!!!
The Left One is bigger, but The Right One is is tanner.
Go frickin’ figure!!
And for the record… the right one is the one that most of the free world has seen!! It’s like its never been in a trainin’ bra and knows the rules!

2) That commercial for a hands free  soap dispenser… it claims that it will elimiate the use of that nasty germ-ridden dispenser.
Think about that.
It’s a soap dispenser. You get the soap and wash your hands. All fear of germs penetrating your skin is GONE!!!
GONE!!!!
Any germ transfer from the evil germ ridden bottle is gone!!!!
Are we really that dumb Lysol??

3) Why isn’t Danielle kicked off Real Housewives of New Jersey?? She’s a nut-job! She brought backup to a sit down with a tiny little 10olb housewife!! 
Seriously. She means to do people harm. She needs to be cut out of that show.
I watch these shows becuz I wanna  know how the other half lives not to see the same drama that goes on in my own friggin’ house!!
GEEHAWZZZZ!!! That shit goes on in buckets with Eddie and Loretta.  I don’t wanna see on my TV.

Change the Freakin’ Channel.

Honorable Mention:
Remaking Good Old Movies. Why not remake the bad ones?? Leave the good ones alone.
I will not pay money to see a remake of a movie that meant something to me or one that was PerFect the first time.

Call Me Crazy!
But I wanna live in world that I don’t care about soap dispensers killing me or where psycho bitches live.  I wanna live in a world of lollipops & roses and turn cartwheels to my hearts content… that plays Van Halen, KC and the Sunshine Band, and Donna Summers 24 /7…Disco Lives peacefully with Heavy Metal.
And when my right boob pops out, it says to the left one, “don’t hate me becuz I’m beautifully tanned.”

Come join me. We’ll watch Ralph Macchio put the wax on and take the wax off… forever.

Keep it comin' Love.
 Keep it comin' Love.
Don't stop it now.
 Don't stop it, No.
Don't stop it.

Wednesday, June 09, 2010

Roy’s Job…

Yes. He has a part time job. And he hates it.

HATES! IT!

The place that he works has individuals that have broken the law and have opted or been forced to do community service work it off with THEM.

WHAT A FUCKIN’ JOKE!!!

These people show up and Roy gives them things to do… or not. He watched one man push a broom around the garage area for 8 hours. 8 hours!! The ladies come in and take out the trash or sweep. I don’t really know, I’ve only heard him mention women only once. Some clean out the trucks… actual work.

Roy called me just a bit ago, “So this community service guy is here and he’s out there sittin’ on his ass on his cell phone the whole time, but when I walk out there, he puts his cell phone away and starts pushin’ his broom around. Well, he just came in here with blood all over his hands. What!? He cut his self textin’???”

Too Funny!!

Tuesday, June 08, 2010

Bloggin’ VS Facebook…

MizAngie left a comment that needs pickin’ apart.

Chill Ang!! I’ll be gentle.

And she said…think Texan and you’ll hear her voice…

“I began blogging because several friends kept telling me "you need to write." I don't have the talent to be a book-writer, but after reading a friend's blog I figured I could do THAT. After the first "comment" or two I was hooked. With the advent of facebook, a lot of my blogger buddies have jumped ship in favor of the "hit and run" contacts. I'm a whore to the comments, and without them I'm just not inspired to write much anymore. It's a Catch-22.
Oh, and you're a heifer all right...a heifer who's all o' that!”

She’s a good writer. I think she could do a sports column that women could understand. And she’s super good at poems. She’s written 3 for me. So she blogs. And I Love her!!

She makes a good point about Facebook. Why do people stop bloggin’ to do Facebook?

Can’t you do both? I do.

To me they are like apples and oranges. Lemons and Limes. They work well together but one shouldn’t stop one to do the other. Bloggin’ is clearin’ out your mind. Bloggin’ is tellin’ stories. As a little kid, I used to fantasize about being on a talk show tellin’ my story to Phil Donahue!! And here I am, tellin’ the masses about all my shit!!

THIS, as she uses her hands to motion all of blog land… you know I talk with my hands. But THIS. Fits me well. Right down to my socks!

Facebook is reconnectin’ with family and friends. It’s networkin’. I don’t see many of our friends that blogged, emptin’ out their hearts in Facebook.

Well Okay there’s some that do. But still…

There’s not silly stories about fencin’ class. There’s not one come to our event on Monkey Island. I get a couple of virtual chickens but still.

And there is farmin’ on Facebook.

I was in Ag remember… I farm.

Oh and Monkey Island is a real place… it’s where Shangri-la was. Okay that still sounds like a joke.

My blogger friends are with me on Facebook. I LOVE THEM. You are family to me.

But Dammit!!! Blog!!!

And becuz I’m the smartass that Becca says I am…

Here at the Church of The Holy Nadine, MizAngie’s Words are in Red.

Monday, June 07, 2010

Who Was I???

The Link-Up for Monday at the RHOK is “Who were you in High School?” Miss Priss is being awfully nosey!

My High School Life…It was like a Rock Opera.

I was “Jack and Diane”… “Let me peel off those Bobby Brooke’s and do as I please.” Oh Yeah!! My Bobby Brooke’s were 0’s!!

I was an aggie gal…“Thank God I’m a Country Boy”. I was in Future Farmers of America. “early to bed. Early To Rise… Thank God For Country Boys!!!! Why? Becuz that was where the boys were, they wouldn’t let me play football. And I was too short for basketball.

I was “Hot Blooded” and lived “Life In the Fast Lane” … ”Faster Faster the Light is Turning Red. They didn’t care they were dying together.” I stopped track my freshman year becuz I fell for an upperclassmen… wasted 2 years of my high school life with him. He looked like Slash from Guns and Roses. I didn’t need to read his mind, “honey you oughta know… come on baby do you do more than dance.” Once he graduated, he was partied like a rockstar without me.

I was heartbroken. “ Heartache Tonight.”… “We can beat around the bushes. We can get down to the bone. We can leave in the parking lot but either way there’s gonna be a heartache tonight I know!” He slept around with several girls. It ended badly. He had one stupid chick that was stoned outta her mind come tell me he didn’t sleep with her… Like that would change my mind!! Well truth be told, a couple of girls come to me to tell me that he had slept with them. One of them is on my friend’s list on Facebook. I think she slept with EarlLee too. Hhhhmmm… when we were married!!!!

I was knocked up by Jack… well it was EarlLee but that not the way the song goes. My Senior year I was pregnant… One the worst years of my life. My dad died too. I can’t think of a good song to go that…

“Oh Yeah, Life Goes On Long After The Thrill Of Livin’ is Gone…”

So who were you in high school? The ladies of The RHOK wanna know. Link Up with us.RHOKBUTTON-2

Friday, June 04, 2010

Husbands, The SheDevil, And BBallCamp…

Sooooo. Last summer, Roy and I went to BballCamp with Loretta. I can’t link you to the experience becuz I deleted it. I don’t think Loretta would like what we discussed. She's one of those that puts on that "all is good" fronts... so I deleted it. If she knew I was airin' her dirty laundry... whoooo Boy!

But for those that don’t remember, StupidEddie didn’t want her to go with me. She didn’t want to go alone and asked me to go with her. He had a fit! Threatened her! So Roy had to go with us to “handle” me.

Let the soak in… handle me.
I need to be handled.

Becuz I’m the devil with an attitude that I don’t give a shit and will do just about anything for the sake of fun.

And I don’t.
Give a shit.
But still I don’t need a handler.
Shit just happens to me.
That whole stripper thing was front of EVERYONE and there wasn’t a damn thing Roy could do about it… like he would have stopped it. He loved it.
Stop it? No way!
Shit Happens To Me.

When we came home from camp, we all laughed and giggled about all the fun WE… Roy, Me, and Loretta… had. Soooo much fun that WE couldn’t wait to go back!
I knew Eddie would HAVE TO GO… and he did.
The Devil Made Him Do It!!
After everything that has happened between the 4 of us, I had made up my mind I wasn’t going to go with her again.
Especially with him.

First day of camp this year, I get a text from her. Eddie’s makin’ everyone miserable.
(insert evil laugh here)

Third day of camp Eddie calls Roy. Eddie’s not havin’ fun!!! “Loretta’s worn out from takin’ care of all the kids and me.”
(more evil laughing)

I lead him to it! I’m feelin’ oh so Devilish. I might as well wear that SheDevilBadge with honor instead of buckin’ up about it.


So much for not airin' out her dirty laundry!