Monday, April 26, 2010

3 Things I Taught EarlLee...

The ladies at RHOK... Real Housewives of Oklahoma posed the question "What did you learn from Your First Year of Marriage?"
But that's not what I read.
It looked like What Did You Learn From Your First Husband?
Well I'm hear to tell you ....NOTHING!
So I, in my very Nadine Hightower way, thought of a different way to answer their question... as I saw it.
I was a bit confused as to them wantin' to give some "love" to the first husband becuz mostly they're assholes. Mine is.
Sure he's perfect for his 2nd wife... Mine is.
My second husband that is... But still.
And even if I answered their question the way they wanted that goes back to EarlLee anyway.
2nd Marriages are just so different... Mine is.

And if you come here from the RHOK... don't leave without sayin' hello.

So are you lost yet?
Are you still with me??

3 Things I Taught EarlLee...

1) That I will not blow on his asshole.
 You see, he had this problem with it. I'm not a doctor and I'm not about to look at it!! So he decided to "treat" it himself... with SeaBreaze!! So he took the cotton ball doused with it and swabbed his butthole. And instantly went to jumpin' around fannin' his ass!!
I still laugh about it.
When jumpin' all around actin' like a chicken with it's head chopped off, didn't stop the burning, he bends over and spreads his butt cheeks at me and yells, "Blow!!"
How's that mental image for you?
You shoulda been there!!
2 things.
1st, I would never blow on it. No matter how much pain he was in, I would never do it.
2ndly, I was laughin' so hard that I couldn't stop to blow... even If I wanted to help him out.
It still cracks me up... 25 years later.

2) That if he uses my shampoop, I will get even.
 We were married 11 years. We had fought with each other every step of the way. And close to the end, we didn't even sleep in the same bed. All I wanted to do was smother him with his pillow... not mine.
Mine was special. His was shit!
I hated the sound of his breathin' so I kicked him outta the bedroom.
One day we were carryin' on like two cats in a bag, when he decided he needed a shower.
What the hell!?
Get in the shower?
 "I'm talkin' to you EarlLee! Don't get in there!"
 Showers are a good thing. I made it my life's goal to make his life as miserable as he made mine. So I just kept pickin' at him. Plus he might use my shampoop!
I paid for it. It's mine!
"You only paid 96 cents for it. I'm usin' it!" he said.
Bastard can get a job if he wants to use it!
I was pissed!
 First the shower and now the shampoop!
I picked up the hairdryer and hollered at him, "Hey Hold This!"
He open the shower curtain, and reached for it! He was just about to grab onto it when he realized what I was holdin'!
He went all pale! "You are evil!!"

And he was damn glad he had his own room ...with a lock!

3) That if his girlfriends call the house, I'm not takin' a message!!
Seriously!
He would give women our phone number, and they called me.
I'm not sure who was more stupid in this case, Him for givin' it out. Them for callin' it. Or me for not takin' the shotgun to him the very first time it happened. I had a father of a little gal come to talk to EarlLee, and there I was standin' there in the front yard with EdithAnne on my hip listenin' to him say EarlLee was datin' his daughter!
One called and when she realized she had screwed the pooch, she said she was lookin' for his brother. And I set her straight, "Oh Really! He is happily married too. So you can just look elsewhere for male companionship."
And in the end, I told one, "Just come and get him. I'm sick to death of his lazyass. But if you want to deal with his shit, he's yours! Just make sure my child support check comes each month."

My first year of marriage, I learned that my first husband was still too immature to handle real life.

I love Roy Hightower.

Ya'll come back now, ya hear!

12 comments:

Territory Mom said...

I came over on my on accord. Real life is much funny than a sitcom. I'm picturing Larry the Cable Guy, but I think it is too nice to play EarlLee.

Dawn said...

HAHAHAHA!! OMG! This was funny.
I'm sure it wasn't at the time.

I'm glad you found a good one the second time around. It sometimes takes people in my family 4, 5 or 7 times. LOL!

Thanks for participating in MckLinky Monday!!

~Mrs. Albright

Real Housewives of Oklahoma said...

What do you mean you learned nothing? I think EarlLee learned a few things for sure. And if you found Mr. Hightower you must have learned something from being married to EarlLee.
Too funny. I enjoyed your post today!
~Mrs. Priss

Kellyology said...

I'm sure not funny at the time, but looking back his stupidity makes a pretty good story. Enjoyed your post today.

ShaRhonda said...

What a funny, though not at the time, post...Glad you joined in today!! ♥Mrs. Hart♥

Beth said...

I'm so happy for you that the second time around is so much better! LOL! You told the story quite well too! It's a wonder Earl Lee survived! :)

Just droppin' in from RHOK!
http://bethaworkinprogress.blogspot.com/2010/04/mcklinky-monday-newlyweds.html

Redneck Diva said...

jaWhy do I find myself singing that song, "Good-bye Earl" by the Dixie Chicks now? :-)

Margaret said...

Redneck Diva: Goodbye Earl is an awesome song. :)

You commented on my blog, so I followed you back.

Every now and then the Man gets phone calls from guys asking if Lashonda is there (or some other female-type name). He always wants to respond that their mouth is full so they can't come to the phone. He never does though, but wouldn't that be funny?

peace...

Jennifer said...

Hilarious.

Laughing so hard Hubs started staring at me like I had gone insane.

Yogi♪♪♪ said...

Well, I wouldn't have blown on it either.

Dawn said...

Hey girl! I mentioned you on my newest blog post.

I also added you to my blog roll. =)

Katy said...

OH Nadine, you do know how to show visitors a good time! Classic post! Can't belive you tried to hand him a hair dryer!