Saturday, August 29, 2009

The Chosen One....

Roy decided which lady would be the lucky to fill in when I'm outta commission.
When he told her, she jumped on it!!
She was thrilled to be the ChosenOne....the 2ndWife!!

Roy was dancin' the HappyDance!

She has taken FULL Advantage of her position too!
She has not hesitated to call him to come over to do things for her becuz her 1stHusband either wouldn't do it for her or he couldn't figure it out by himself.
"Roy, come help him put the antenna on the house!"
"Roy, fix my cabinet shelves."

She has even laid down the law!
For trips, for her kids....no cussin'.
For pool parties!
"Woman! I don't have that many rules with the 1stWife!" and pointed at me.

They have even had arguments.
He shut his cell phone one day, and looked at me with sad eyes, "I think "WE" just got a divorced!!!

I just giggled at it all.

But the best part about all this.....we...the 2ndWife and I....are on the same cycle!!

Roy looked horrified when I told him....for the first time!
"What? I've done all this for NOTHING!!!"

That's right big boy!
The RedRiverFlows the same for both wives!!!

SuperMoodyBitch is rollin' on the floorin' laughin' her freakin' ass off!!!

And that my friends is the end of BigLove In TheHightower.

Friday, August 28, 2009

The Wheels Were Turnin'....

Roy was thinkin' hard.
He likes to wait until all evidence of SuperMoodyBitch is gone before he brings up such a critical subject.
"So, Babe, the 2ndWife doesn't have to actually live with us. Right?"
Oh Hell No!!!
Another woman in my house, fuckin' with my stuff?
NO!
Well, Roy.
Yes.
But not my clothes.
Or my shoes.
Or my car.
Or my cats.

OH HELL NO!
"It's not like as if we want to "marry" anyone like in BigLove, just have someone that will come in and "take care of me" for 1 week. Right?"

1 Week??
I want to rip his head off 2 weeks a month....but he only wants an extra wife for 1 week??

Oh how sweet.
I must really hide my contempt well.

"And we want to agree on the woman. Right?"

OH HELL YES!!!!!!

I'm not havin' the GymHo come in for a week to fuck his brains out....wait..."take care of him"...it has to be someone I can trust not to steal my man.
Despite the fact that he drives me friggin' nuts does not mean I want to divorce him.
He is the love of my life.
The air in my lungs.
The beat of my heart.
But he drives be friggin' nuts!!!

So yes we hafta agree.

He has someone already picked out.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

OH! YES! HE! DID!

In my current state of mind....SuperMoodyBitch, Roy's either gonna die or leave me alone.

He chose to live... and loved the idea of a 2ndWife.
What man wouldn't?


The Big Love guy, Bill, has 3 wives. He rotates nights to be with each wife....it's his religion.
Whatever!
I think it's just a way for an oversexed man to have his way...Power to him.
But somehow God is involved.
Again.
Whatever!

But seriously, there's no legal paperwork involved. He just holds a commitment ceremony out by his swimmin' pool....Bill not Roy.
I'll get to Roy later....let me rant about Bill.

There's nothing legal so how can it be illegal?
What's to keep me from holdin' a commitment ceremony to Brad Pitt?
I commit to worship him forever and allow him to have sex with me when he comes knockin' on my door.
That easy.
But do I think that I'm married to him and will sue him divorce for knockin' up Angie??
No!
And to clarify...Not MzAngie but that tall chick with the pouty lips.

So Yes He Did!!
Roy loved that idea.
A 2ndWife to have as a backup for when the 1stWife is outta commission!!
And quite frankly, I like the idea too.

I mean Really!
There are 2 weeks a month that I wished he lived in another country!



And by the way, Roy knows that commitment to Brad Pitt and is cool with it.

It could happen.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Big Love In The Hightower...

Do you watch Big Love?
Do you have HBO??
Well there's a show called Big Love and it's about a polygamy, families, and the relationships of men and women.

Welcome to the Hightower version of it!!
This whole story has been goin' on most of the summer. I've just been bidin' my time and lettin' the thing play out before I sat down to tell it.

A long time back, SuperMoodyBitch in one of her tantrums, said to Roy, "Do not come at me with that thing again! I'll cut it off and hand it back to you if you don't leave me alone! You need another wife!"
One would think that Roy would be horrified at the thought of havin' his manhood cut off and the bloody end be handed back to him but he actually smiled.

Yes, People.
He Smiled.

The wheels in his brain was workin' out the details on the 2ndWife!

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Farmin' Is Hard Work!!

"So Babe, what do you have planned to do today?"
"Nothin'. I still feel pretty crappy. I think I'll lay right here."
He was gettin' in the tub as I laid out on the couch.
"Well, I do have to check my farm."
He rolled his eyes.
And shook his head.
"I hear about women like you on the news. Two types. Those that run off with men they meet online and those that "have to check their farms."

"What???? You'd rather run off with someone???"

Geez!!!


I love FarmVille.
I'm not as bad as my sister. She got up in the middle of the night just becuz she forgot to water her zinnias!!

So he says, "What will you do when you go on the cruise?"
I've thought about it.
I'm not loosin' my crop.
I just won't plant anything before we go!!

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Wasps It Is....

So last Thursday, Roy and I were headin' to the gym. Our normal routine is to stop and get a paper on the way.
No Big Deal.

The paperbox that I get my paper from has had a couple of wasps flyin' around it for a few weeks...mud dawbbers.
Roy says they won't sting you.
It's a freakin' wasp!
What Wasp Won't Sting You????
But I reach in and get my paper anyway.
It appears that the wasps are under the springy thing that the papers are on becuz when I pick up my paper one flies out at me.....even hit my arm a couple of times.
I figure if I don't bother them... they won't bother me.
No Big Deal.

Well last Thursday, I opened the paperbox and before I reached in to get the paper, I decided to look in and see where the nest was.....THAT WAS A BIG DEAL!!

HUGE DEAL!!

Actually lookin' at the nest must be One THE SINS of The Wasp World becuz my arm started burnin'!!
Yes... burnin'!!!
I squealed.
Grabbed my wrist.

Odd side note....When I cut my fingers....when...not if....when I cut my fingers with the freshly sharpened butcher knives....I grabbed my wrist to cut off the circulation...stoppin' the blood loss....so it's habit.
In pain... grab the wrist.

Jumped back.
The paperbox slammed shut.
And I jumped in the truck for fear of other parts on my body would catch fire!!!
Roy's all like "what???"

"You're damn freakin' Mud dawbber, freakin' stung me!!! And there is a paper nest in there the size a small dinner plate!!!!!"

"Oh no it couldn't be a mud dawpper."

ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDIN' ME!!??!!!??

"Look right here!!" and let my wrist go long enough to point at the tiny prick mark on my arm. It wasn't easy to see on my arm becuz of all the freckles.
"My arm in on fire and it was a freakin' black wasp with freakin' yellow legs!!! There's a paper nest!!!! Not mud!!!! Paper!!!!!!"

I swear that whole conversation took place in 15 seconds!!
And in that time my arm was red from my wrist to my elbow!!
Roy just sat there watchin' my arm, you could see it swell.
And all he could do was piss me off.
But I think he just kept talkin' so he could see if I was in need of being rushed to the ER.

And then my cell phone rang....Boomer Sooner....I knew it was The HappyWife.
She was callin' to say her hubs was gonna be in the field and couldn't make the swim party that maybe we could have the party on Saturday,he'd be all caught up by then.
Now, not only was my arm on fire, throbbin' and swellin'....my LastNerve that I have reserved for the HappyHusband was on fire, throbbin' and T-Totally about to burst!!!
I repeated everything she said to Roy.
He wasn't too thrilled either.
I had meat thawed to grill.
I had avocados ready for guacamole.
Special trips to town for booze had been made.
And most importantly, other people were comin'....The world does not revolve around the HappyHusband.
I told her I wasn't thinkin' too straight as I was just stung by a wasp.
I did call her later, though. The party was on and she could come without him, he could come later.
She said,"If he's not too tired..."

Are you freakin' kiddin' me????
How hard is it to eat free food and lay around in a pool in a floaty???

So Roy and I went on to the gym.
As I was workin' out on the elliptical my blood was a pumpin' and my heart rate was up to 145... it's a wonder it wasn't higher I was so keyed up....I was thinkin' about all the poison in my arm coursin' through my entire body, would it swell up too?
Turn red??
Who would know??

A week later, I have knot on my arm about the size of a pea with a ring around it the size of half dollar.
"Can I squeeze it?"
Roy rolls his eyes.
"No you can't squeeze it. There's nothing in it."
"But it puffy and hard. There's a white center, like there's pus."
"Do not squeeze it! If it were squishy there would be pus! Leave it alone and stop stratchin'!"

I will never look at a wasp nest again.
I will never put another one in the toilet for Roy to sit on.

Can you imagine that swellin' up...never mind.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Wasps, Assholes, And ATV's...

You pick.

I'm not feelin' too swooft.
I'm sittin' in front of the A/C and feel like I could burst into flames.
My hair hurts.
My boobs ache.
It hurts to lay around.
It hurts to sit.
It hurts to walk.
I don't wanna be in bed.
I don't wanna be on the couch.

Roy has left the house twice.
He went for a ride.....he threw me the TV remote and shut the bedroom door.
He came home to check on me....and left again with his chainsaws.

SuperMoodyBitch cries at everything.
I'm not good company at the moment.


Flame On!!

Monday, August 17, 2009

Wooo Hoooo! We Have A Winner!!

Are you excited??

I know I am!!!

And the winner is.....


Can you dig it???
I am assumin' it's Tracie from Nebraska...becuz that's where I'm shippin' it!

Is that not the cutest hat??
We'll do this again just before Christmas.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Are You Ready???

This is the hat!!

Is that not the cutest hat?

Can you imagine wearin' it to grocery store?
I would but Roy hates my hats.
I have a bucket hat for bad hair days....for days I don't want anyone to see me. I was WalMart and a man approached me, "Hey Nadine, How are you today?"
"Shhhh Stan. You're not supposed to see me. See dark glasses and the hat....I'm incognito."

"It's not workin'."

That beautiful hat that will hold the name of the very lucky woman that will receive
This........
Today's the last day!


Make me your favorite shop...that Hearts Me!

Yes, I know shameless of me...but I want to know...I need to know...you've been here....and there.
It's an ego thing.


I'll put all of the names in the hat that I have....

Dawn
Billie
MzAngie
Bird
Georgie
JQBrat
TracieL
Reverend Kiki
Becca
HeavenlyloveHugs
LennyMud
Jean

Madleighkouture....She Hearted that tractor bag!
So far....

I'll let you know something on Monday.


And then the hat goes back on the wall with the rest of the lovely lady hats...
You might not have known this but I have a thing for old hats.
There about 8 in this room. There are 5 on a wall upstairs.....and umpteenbrazillion in ball caps in the kitchen...mostly Roy's.

And many more in boxes upstairs....I really need to go thru my stuff.
I'm such a pack rat!

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Drawin' A Blank...

Here I sit.
And I have nothin'!

As I'm workin' out at the gym, loads of things come to mind but here....nothin'!
So I'll just ramble.....

I saw into the future.
I saw myself in about 30 years.
I'm not normally psychotic...but...
This lady was singin' to the music....50's hits...tappin' her toes as she was pumpin' iron. I can only hope I can pump 25 pounds as well as she did when I'm that old!

But that will be me.
She even shook her ass as she walked out....sometimes the spirit just moves you.

Speakin' of the gym, I've been workin' out on the elliptical thingy....it's like a cross country skier thing. It's scary!!
I started it in April.....very slow....like about 110 strides per min....heart rate was off the scale!! 161!!
It was all I could do to get 1 freakin' mile!!!
My legs were like noodles!!!
But now, I average out to 1 1/2 miles and my hear rate is 130....after about 20 minutes.

I have noticed something very strange happenin' to me when I'm done....very weird.
My butt feels like it's growin'!!
I kid you not....JLoAss attacks me!!
I can feel it swellin'!!
I'm a flat ass white woman....my ass isn't supposed to be round!
I'll go for heart shaped, though.

And I committed a RobinSin....get it a CardinalSin....of Church of the Holy Nadine.
I couldn't help myself.
I felt really good.
So I did it.
I stepped on the scales.

Let me just say, I weigh more now than I did when I started that torture chamber of a gym!! MORE!!!
Roy's all like, "Don't give up. You look good. You've moved things around and developed muscle. Besides we've been eatin' a lot of fried okra."

Blame the okra.
Yeah. That's the ticket.

Speakin' of Roy, my boy toy....he's currently on my shit list.
He hasn't had a lot of sleep lately becuz of the freakin' allergies that NOTHING seems to touch. We've tried just about everything over the counter and the doctor prescribed him a nasal spray....zip, zilch, nada.
So he's been more irritable than normal, and barks at me over just about everything!! He is the one that fits my tote bags with the grommets. You would think I asked him to poke is eye out or something....If I could do it myself I would!
Jerk!

Funny story about him and his workout.
He's a walker. His big deal is to walk to get the miles and the freebies....and not so much workin' out on the weight machines. He does the weights 2 times a week where as I do them all 5 days I go.
He's so proud of his biceps.
And he should be.
But walkin' around flexin' them at me all the time gets on my nerves.
"Oh come on feel them."
I finally told him, "Men are supposed to have huge guns. You had them when you logged."
And he did! He held a heavy ass chainsaw over his head every day.
And I continued, "If you want to be impressed, feel this."
And I flexed my biceps.
He rolled his eyes and smirked but he reached over to feel my biceps.
He blushed!
HE was AMAZED!
I might not be packin' a couple of 357's but my 38's are comin' along nicely!!

And then I get on the scales and that good feelin' all goes to hell!!

2 more days until the drawin' for a free bag!
At least one thing will be very clear to me when this giveaway is done....I will know who actually reads my blog!
Every one like free stuff!!
And yet...only 11 people so far.

Monday, August 10, 2009

The Heathen, God's Child, and Fruit...

RubyJune is very active in her Church....VERY!
She posted VacationBibleSchool Pix on her FacebookAccount. All had a good time and wore colorful Tees....With a cute little sayin', "GotFriut???"

...yes I know Susan, it's spelt wrong....there's a method to my madness.

And I said, "What's that mean, "GotFriut?????"

"If you weren't such a heathen and went to Church you'd know what that meant!"

As if!
I took it stride.

"I thought maybe you'd open up the doors for gays."

As if!!
She rolled her eyes.

Just A Little Catch Up...

Thank you Georgie! She thinks I'm lovely!!
I'm supposed to pass it forward to 10 other bloggers but you know me....I can't choose just 10!
I think all the blogs I read are lovely or I wouldn't invest my time reading them.
Check out my blog roll thingy to the left and you'll see what I mean.
I do have one question.
Where's Jane!?
Anybody know??
Knowing me, I deleted her and that's why I don't get her feed any more...I do that all the time. Clear out the ones that just don't fit me right and wind up deleted one I like just becuz I don't recognize the title!
Doh!
4 days left for the Giveaway....M&Co, try again. I didn't see it anywhere.
And for those who "Heart'd Me" before the Giveaway, you'll included.
Jean, I would love a testimonial...when you have a chance, email me.
It's been too hot to think so no long drawn out blog...later.
I'm off now to delete all the spammed comments....why do people do that??

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Look What Came In The Mail!!!

My Very Own...
Red Bean Dreams note cards.
With a personal note inside.
Thank you so very much...I love that Louisanna Gal!!

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Huh!

I thought I would get a little more support than that....But oh well....


So If you're interested, all you have to do is go and Heart Me.


So easy!!

From those that Heart Me, I'll draw a name from a hat and that person will receive a lovely Tote!!



This one...
















Hurry.... this offer is only good until Aug 14th!

Sunday, August 02, 2009

Congregation Of The Church Of The Holy Nadine...

sit up and take notice!

I'm thinkin' about havin' a Free Gift Giveaway!
A Tote Bag!!

Can I get an Amen?

Details later....becuz I ain't thought this all the way out.
I mean really...Off the cuff, I'd send a tote bag to every one I know....becuz that's how I roll. I have The Cutest Idea for a Ballerina Ninja Princess bag locked in my brain!!

But my chief financial advisor...Roy D Hightower, Esquire the 2nd....the SugarDaddy ...says "You've got to stop givin' it away, Nadine!"

Do you know I heard that same statement from my father??
Seriously.

Whatever!


Georgie, Don't fret. I was sent a fabulous testimonial...Miz Angie came thru....she's a doll!!
And an offer of help with my bio...Katy, big thanks!! You're the best!!

Much love and hugs to both!



The "D" stands for DWayne!!!
Pronouced....DEW WAaaYN