Long time back we were watchin' CSI and there was these two guys, George and Steve and they formed a Church, The Church of the Holy George and Steve being jealous knock George out...he didn't kill him just whacked him good and left in him the desert....but that's just not the point to all of this.
It's about me. It's always about me.
The Church of the Holy Nadine. Does this mean I have to be a virgin??
But hey, it's my Church. I can set the rules.....or guidelines really.
Let's see.... 1) Thou shall respect other women....except GymHo's, SkinnyBitches, and TeenageGirls. Just becuz they get on my nerves.
2) Thou shall or is it shalt...that so doesn't sound right....Whatever! Thou shalt forsake scales...never ever step on one...ever! I don't know about the rest of you, but THE second I step on the scales to check my progress from all the dietin' and exercisin' ...becuz I feel so good and my clothes are so loose....I just have to check it. THE SECOND I step on I am possessed by a fat woman with Turrets! Okay, that's not right and spellcheck isn't helpin' me.
3) Thou shalt always grope and fondle all cute shoes, purses, furs... and try them on.
4) Thou shalt have real gems....not lab created for those that dare to join The Church of the Holy Nadine.
5) Thou shalt oogle all handsome men....no gropin' or fondlin' unless he's payin' for the cute shoes, purses and furs!! And the real gems!!
And that's all I can come up with so far. It's not like I have a burnin' bush or anything guidin' me.
So Jen commented....you crack me up, girl. everytime i read your posts - or see the tulsa oil man with the text - take me back to tulsa, i'm too young to marry - i just laugh my head off. i can't believe your inlaws are, well, you know...
She knows the OldFolks! And a very small handful others....but not like I do!
A long time back...Thanksgiving....my mother inlaw, QueenVictoria, said, "So&So is getting married in May. It's a small family wedding and you're not invited."
Yep, She did! I Kid You Not! Isn't she a doll?
Now one would think that I would get my feelin' hurt, but I didn't. I had just lost my grandbaby and I couldn't care less about the things that came out QV's mouth. I just let it roll off of me like water on a duck's back.
She had repeated this same conversation to Roy in a phone call. He couldn't care less either. But to him she went on to say, "And since we'll be in your neck of the woods..." Like being in Arkansas is our neck of the woods. "we'll stop in for a visit."
Now that is a horse of a different color!! "You tell that old lady she's not invited to my house!" I yell at Roy. If she can tell me I'm not invited to a weddin' that she's not plannin' she should be able to relate to her NOT BEING INVITED TO MY HOUSE!! If I started in January cleanin' my house for a 5 minute visit in May from QueenVickie....It wouldn't be ready! Roy and I LIVE in OUR house. It's not a showplace for the next cover of Southern Living! Roy's been after me for about 4 months to find a place to take all the glass booze bottles....he's got 3 55 gallon drums!
And for the record that's 2 years worth of bottles!!! Or more!
"Tell her she's not invited!" "I can't tell my mother that!" He said. "Then tell her we will not be at home!" I would hang out at the mall to avoid her visit. "I'm not lyin' to my mother!" "You'd better fix it!!"
It wasn't long after that we recieved an invitation to the weddin'! Problem solved.
When we went to see TheWizard, we stopped by the OldFolks. And of course, QueenVictoria said, "So&So is gettin' married in May. It's a small family wedding and you're not invited. After the wedding we'll be stopping by your house for a visit."
I just smiled. "Oh there will be no need for that. You'll get to see us at the weddin', we've been invited!" And I just smiled even bigger.
She sat there lookin' like she just sucked on a lemon!
I think that the old lady does things the way she does to get her way.....she called Roy later....when she thought she'd have his ear only. And went through the whole conversation again! Roy told her there would no reason to come to our house becuz we would be at the weddin'....that drivin' outta the way was just not a good idea. His brother was doin' the drivin' so she's at his mercy. He called to ask Roy about something. I told Roy right then and there, to straighten the whole thing out and be done with it! "Don't you bring that old lady to my house! She has in her head that she's comin' here, Man, Don't do it!" I could hear his brother laughin'....he knows and understands full well what QV's like and he will not be bringin' her for a visit after the weddin'!!
We shall see how this all plays out....the weddin' is this Saturday in Eureka Springs!
Jen, Roy and I just walk to the beat of different drummer. And if the old lady knew....she'd flip her wig!
I have not only spoken to my mother but given her a gift for Mother's Day.
I was shocked too!!
For those that don't know I have deep mother issues. I have not spoken to her for years, not since callin' her a fuckin' bitch at the courthouse. I had my reasons.
She's not the type to rehash the past....I think mainly becuz she doesn't remember it...correctly. She remembers it her way....where she's been given the Mother of the Year Award for Always Being There for Me. That she was a poor strivin' single mother that did the best she could to raise her children.
That would a no.
My father had full custody of all 3 of us...she was not all that involved.
And yes, I spoke to her.
Water under the bridge....
I hope that this does not mean that I am growing up. Becuz I really hate that!
2) I apologized for being such a bitch to my ex-sister inlaw.
And I meant it.
We, me and RubyJune, my sister, were awful to her. She was young and dumb and married to our bubba. And we did what we did ....and they were many things.... to protect our bubba and his son. LittleBub is like my own child. And you don't mess with him!
That Girl didn't have a chance of stayin' in the family when RubyJune and I double-teamed her!!
But I would rather have her back in the family as to have the current MrsBubba. I don't mind that the ho doesn't speak to me....I can live the rest of my life never givin' her a second thought....and Bub knows that....But TheCurrentMrsBubba is disrespectful to my Granny! And that's grounds for full on war.
So I apologized to the EXMrsBubba....she was gracious and accepted my apology. And totally understood the hate and discontent I feel for TheCurrentMrsBubba.
One day when I have time...I'll tell you a couple of the things me and RubyJune did to her.....She never had a chance!
And again...another sign of maturin'???
3) Despite popular belief and a spiteful woman....and DrPhil.... I did indeed last more that 2 years in my marriage to Roy.
15 years in fact.
And still goin' strong!
I can't remember exactly what she said but it was something like "gold-digging home-wrecking whore won't stay with you the way I have!"
Just another day at the gym... Roy's on a treadmill and I'm doing my thing....when GymHo comes in. And gets on the treadmill next to him. I rolled my eyes. And I am determined not to look at him as I know he'll have that stupid opossum eatin' shit grin of his plastered on his face! I just kept myself busy....and she started joggin'! I couldn't help but look. And there he was grinnin' ear to ear as she jogged those big ole boobs....Geez!
On the way home, Roy says to me, "I don't want to get anything started. But I think she's comin' on to me. She was whisperin' something and you know my hearin' so I'm not sure."
Well, my curiosity is peeked!!! Come on to Roy??? The nerve!! In front of me??? She'll never know what hit her!!
He continued, "But I think she said, 'I like older men and you're in good shape so if you wanna get together, Call Me. But with her whisperin' I could be wrong."
WHAT??? "And she gave you her number?" I asked. My mind was racin'.
Do I yank his chain to control him? Or to I take her out in one fatal blow??
"Or maybe she just said 'Good Mornin' with my hearin' being what it is." He just grinned.
That Ass!! I was the only one gettin' my chain yanked!!
THE DREAM: I asked Roy what he thought and he thinks the man wanted sex from me....but Roy was WAY too mad....I think it was Roy the gunsmith wanted!!!
So Roy's a gun nut...you know that. He needed a screw or a bolt or whatever.....we go 'round and 'round about screws and bolts. If it takes a "SCREWDRIVER" to attach it to whatever....it's a screw!
But he needed a part for a gun....an antique revolver. There a shop in town. We walk down hill from the house to town. And let me tell you that is one steep hill!! I never realized how steep it is until I hafta walk back up it! But....
So we're at the gunsmith shop, Roy's tellin' the gunsmith what part he needs. I sat down on the swivel bar stool that seems to be in all "Those" kind of stores. There's one in the gun range. There's one in the archery store. There's one in the parts stores. I think they just put those seats in there for the wives to sit on for display....That's what I feel like!
The gunsmith says, "That's an old gun. That's a rare part. But you're in luck I happen to have one." Roy's gotta have it...damn the cost! He pulls out his wallet. The gunsmith holds up his hand to stop him and says, "No sir, step back into my office and we'll talk about it." So Roy does. He wasn't in there more than 3 minutes!! He came outta that room all flushed and grabbed my offa that stool and OUT THE DOOR WE WENT!! One Bourbon. One Shot. One Beer!
"What?" I've gotta know what was said. We've walked outta lot of places for minor things but he never was so pissed off. Not having DrPepper has never gotten him so ticked off!!!
"I'll tell you when we get home!" He barked at me. "Hey, just tell me. I can't wait." We're a mile from home and we have to walk up steep freakin' hill! But all he does is shush me. "Honey! What did he want? A Blow Job???" He stopped dead in his tracks, and thru gritted teeth, "Shut up! I'll tell you when we get home!" And he strides off about 10 paces in front of me.
Whoa! It musta been bad if he needed to walk it off!!
So up the hill we trot.....I stumbled tryin' to keep up with him and lost my balance. I fell backwards into a bush and somehow caught my pants on a thorn and was danglin' there by my butt!! Like a spider on a web!! I was flailin' around and screamin' for Roy to come help me.
He turned around and rolled eyes. The look on his face, You know, it reminded me of the time I fell in the mud.....Just like that!!!
Let's recap. Samantha turned 50. Had breast cancer. Has dumped a fabulously delicious man for selfish reasons. What else is there for her? Reoccurance of Cancer and her lose her battle? I dont' want to see that.
Charlotte has the perfect life. Two children, one adopted and one she hatched. She's had a career and is now a wife and mother....all she's ever wanted to be. What else is there for her? Harry cheat? A sick child? Start a business centered around her children? Write Books on raising children?? And as all things turn out well for Charlotte....everything has....she's not known for being the "Up the Butt Girl" is she! It will always workout for her. And no one on Earth wants to see her world crumble.
Miranda has ran the gambit too. She's got a career and family. She's managed to fuck it up and still get it all back. What? Is she going to have another child with ole OneBall Steve???
And last but not least Carrie. Kids??? She doesn't seem like the child-bearing kind. At all. Big cheat on her....we don't want that. At all. "I will Love You Forever," Means something to me.
I just don't see where they can take these characters that will sit well with the fans.
When they ended the series, I think the line was, "Even Good Sex Comes To An End." We've climaxed. Multiple times. It's time for a shower.
I love that show. It was funny, touching, and hip. Let's not ruin it by runnin' it into the ground. Think 4th Indiana Jones Movie. Let the girls ride off in their limo into sunset.
Can you tell when two people are havin' an affair??
GymHo came in and got onto the treadmill next to Roy. You remember GymHo. She was "stuck" in a weight machine and "needed" assistance from YoungSquire to "save" her. I make fun of it all the time to Roy. I will sit down on the easiest, most accessible piece of equipment....
Excuse me, Scooter is pervin' out on Manny and I must go save his virgin ass. Damn Cats! I swear! When Scooter gets his perv on, no cat is safe!
Okay where was I... So I make fun of GymHo by mimickin' her to Roy. I make that face of the HomeAloneKid and make my pony tail swing a lot and bat my eyelashes at him. He rolls his eyes.
So she's on the treadmill next to Roy....there are 6 treadmills and he's the only one doing that...and she gets on the one next him....hhhhhmmmm....She's A HO!!
Not 2 minutes after she get started, YoungSquire walks in and puts his stuff down next to me. It was only fair. Roy's got GymHo.
YoungSquire walks over to GymHo and takes out his EarPoopThing and gives it to her for her to listen....they chat. He goes back to work next to me.
Oh Yeah, He's tappin' that!!
Later on when I'm waitin' for Roy, I saw them in the hallway, walkin' shoulder to shoulder and GymHo bumps YoungSquire in that playful sorta way...OH YEAH!
He's bangin' her!!
I asked Roy what he thought about the EarPoopThing....he wants to believe it's just innocent flirting. But when I told him about the hallway.....that cinched for him!