Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Me, Grandpa, And My Stupid Cousin...

I thought it best to give you a little background so you have an idea of nature of my relationship with my grandpa. I have come to terms with what I'm about to tell you. I have it all neatly tucked away in the box buried deep in my heart....it's scarred over pretty good back there! I don't sit around, dwellin' on it... at all.
But when I go home and go thru the photo albums, it all comes back up to the front.

Granny and Grandpa are my daddy's people. I'm not all that close to my mom's family. I grew up in my granny and grandpa's house. When my mother left us to go live an alternative lifestyle, Daddy had custody of us kids, but we lived with Granny and Grandpa becuz of Daddy's work schedule.

When I was born, I was the first grandchild for G&G....I was also the first born Great Granddaughter to my grandpa's mom. She lived about 300 yards from us and played a big part in my raisin'....big! HUGE!

Well, becuz I was the first, I HUNG THE MOON!
I was a little princess.
I had my daddy wrapped around my little finger....and did until he died.

I have that magazine he was readin'. I'm a hoarder.

And I had my grandpa in my hip pocket.
I saw that in the photos I found.
There was one of Daddy, Grandpa, and me workin' on the bull dozer.....I love that one!!

It all came undone when my stupid cousin was born when I was 31/2 years old. My grandpa slipped out of my pocket and he literally pushed me aside for my stupid cousin!

NO more Pepsi, no more ice cream with tooty fruity, Her fat ass was in my place.
I was totally ignored by him. I can remember sittin' behind the cars in the driveway hopin' to get backed over becuz I wanted to die.... AT 4!!

Let me make this VERY clear, there is nothing wrong with StupidCousin mentally....I just hate her.
I know you're not supposed to hate people but you can hang a $5 dollar words on it like loathe, disdain, and contempt but it all boils down to I HATE HER!
As a kid, I hated her with every fiber of my being.
And it's all Grandpa's fault.
His favoritism knew no bounds when it came to StupidCousin. He was unfair in his treatment of the rest of HIS grandchildren... we didn't exist except as an annoyance to my stupid cousin. If we did anything that caused her to cry we were punished.

The only 2 times he spanked me was over her.
I was older than her.
I shouldn't have to go to bed first.
He was being unfair.
But at age 6 I didn't have enough stroke to make him see it my way. Off came the belt and I was whipped and then sent to bed with that stupid cousin smilin' the whole time.
That didn't sit well with Granny. She could see that he was being unfair with me. And she got in the middle of him. That was the last time he ever spanked me. But the damage was done. StupidCousin, knew how to work him.
As we grew up, she was worse. I didn't have do much to get in trouble and have him verbally beat me. Daddy stepped up. Those two went round and round many times over Grandpa's treatment of the rest of his grand kids.
He took our toys from us to give to her.
She was allowed to ride our horse, bikes, and go karts... though she always managed to break something or hurt herself and it was MY fault.
I was the oldest.
I was too stupid to keep her from hurtin' herself.
And then the Twinkie Incident happened, I gave up. I saw right then that no matter what I did, she would always get what she wanted even though she didn't deserve it.
And when he gave her my crochet hook, I was totally heartbroken.
It was a gift from Grandma and I was in the middle of my project. But it didn't matter, she wanted it. He let her take it home with her. I cried to Grandma, his mother, and they had a talk I would have loved to have heard. First chance I got I stole that crochet hook back and I still have it.
Granny, Grandma, and Daddy took up the slack of not havin' Grandpa's approval and the absence of my mother.

That Stupid Cousin grew up to be a total loser.
She's into drugs.
She has no driver's license and he gave her a truck to drive to her job that she doesn't have and more, and he pays her bills.
I have no expectations of gettin' any inheritance that I am due....it will all be given to her.

I can't change how he feels about me. He knows he's fucked it all up with me.
I will never get his approval.
I don't try.
And I don't care anymore.
I am happy with me and my life.
I have removed all the negative people from my life.
And I don't spend a lot of time with him.


Becca said...

How sad that someone that as a grown up didn't know how to love all his grandchildren unconditionally. You are a strong woman and I am glad that I know you.

Jaime said...

You kick ass fellow Farmvillian!

Katy said...

Only way to do it. . . some people are too stupid to know what to do with themselves. Honestly, his constant spoiling of her is probably part of the reason she hasn't cleaned her life up. And look how well you're doing!

Vickie said...

And where is your cousin, now that you are caring for your grandpa? I feel for ya. Peace

MizAngie said...

How hard is it not to say, when they call for you to come help take care of grandpa, to call stupid cousin if they need help? I had a cousin like that. We're ten months apart. She lived closer to my grandmother and was dumped there a lot. She quickly became the only grandkid. It hurt my mom more than it did me. I still don't like that cousin, though...