Monday, December 29, 2008

I'll Fight For You!!!

So we pull up to the post office and some man is already in the post office....lookin' at us pull in....Roy's instantly ticked!
Why?
I don't know.
Paranoia.
"What are you lookin' at, Asshole?"
"It's alright, Honey. I'll kick his ass for you while I'm in there!"

So I go in.
Wait in line while the man conducts his business.....very slowly. He's apparently not a dealin' with a full a deck cards at life's poker table.
But I wait patiently.....I can do that....be patient.
I noticed that he had one arm in a cast....hhhhhmmmm........
After the man was done he still stood there.....fumblin' with his wallet.....and countin' his stamps....I waited patiently.
The PostMistress motioned for me to step forward.
And I did....and I was done and out the door.
When I got back in the truck, I told Roy, "That took longer than I wanted becuz I took my time to kick his ass and then I had to help put his arm in a sling!"

And the man walked out and got in his truck.
"See, I broke his arm for you! I'll fight for you, Baby!!

He rolled his eyes.

Today, while at the gym there was these guys....two men workin' out next to my bicycle thingy. I'm not intimidated by anyone so I go do my thing!
Well okay, SkinnyBitches sometimes get to me.
And I would pee my pants if BradPitt crossed my path.
But normal average people I keep my shit together.....for the most part.
So I just got on my bicycle thingy, set it's program, put my earthingys in, and started readin' my magazine.
About 10 minutes into it, I'm hot! I need air!!
There is a fan behind me so I turn to see where it's pointed.....and there's a man!!!
One of those guys!!!
Starin' right at me!!!
Why is he starin' at me???
And when I move my head to look around him, he doesn't move!
He just keeps starin'!!!
What the fuck????
I turn to look at Roy....surely he sees this!!
But nooooooooo!!!!!
When I finally get his attention, I give the appropriate head nods, disgruntled mouth twitches and eye movements so he knows I'm not happy!!!

He gets down from his treadmill and walks over to the fan and moves it so It blows on me.

Later when we're on the way home, I fill him in on the details of that man.
"So you didn't really want the fan? You wanted me to kick his ass?"

DUH!!!
I'd do it for you!!!

Friday, December 26, 2008

Blue Christmas...

And I felt that right until I pull into my grandmother's driveway.
I covered up good....at least I hope so.

When I left my house, it was snowing.
A fine snow....a little bit..... that by the time I made it 3 miles, it was gone....but that drive was still there...the drive for an hour and a half was still there.
It was cold but I was so hot....sweatin'!

I had been dreadin' this.
Was it gonna be an all out cry-fest or a knock down drag out over who took the food home at the end of the day?

I hate my cousin....another story for another day.

Roy doesn't go with me.
He gets stuck with Grandpa.
And hates it.
Grandpa's a pill with a bad memory of what stories he's told.
He's told them over and over and over....
Roy's heard them all.

So I go alone.


You know, I have seriously given thought to askin' Jean to come with me.
Or MrsDeerHide.
Sorta backup....some one to ride shotgun.
A reason to leave when the pressure was too great to bare any longer.

And then thought against it becuz I'd rather keep them as friends...ones to call on when I REALLY NEEDED THEM.

In my car, it's 1985.
The Oldies Station on the radio....it seems natural for a Camaro to be playin' Heart and Stevie Nicks.
It's 37 degrees and I'm sweatin' like it's 224!!
I really dread this.
It's the only time I think I have ever driven the speed limit....the whole way.

Once I was there....I learned that my daughter had fallen and broken her ankle....she might not come.
I really just wanted to leave.
She's the only reason I went.
Well... maybe for my grandmother too.
She's 85.
She cries all the time now.
I can't bear that.
I'd take a bullet for her....and she cries all the time.

I pulled my shit together.
And tried to make the best of it.

My mother is there....and I have mother issues.
And made the best of it.

A surprise to everyone when EdithAnne does hobble in....needing a screw in her ankle...but it's a holiday....it'll wait.
Painkillers.
She and her husband gave my niece her baby's RubySlippers.

My Niece cried.

EdithAnne asked me if I wanted the hat and scarf I had crocheted for the baby back.
I held my tears back and said yes.
I'm glad I sent the top to Angie....at least I know where it went.
The hat comes back to me....I know where it went.

It was rough....really rough.....but I put on a brave face.
I know how to fake it.


I have to.


Pick up the pieces and go home.....

Monday, December 22, 2008

Christmas Swap!!!

As I came outta the Post Office carryin' my box, Roy had a funny look on his face...sorta like "What the Hell?"
We don't get many packages!!

I handed him the box, "Oh didn't I tell you, I'm part of gift swap thingy?"
He likes to try guess what it was by shakin' it. "It's just peanuts!"
But he was intrigued by a box marked, "Made in Oregon."
"Who do you know in Oregon?"
I have family there!! Come On....doesn't every one???
Buuuut.....
"Becca. An Internet friend. You wanna open it now??"
It was filled with all sorts of good things from Oregon!!
Yes Becca, You fooled me!!
Let me tell ya, That cheese is the best ever!!
Roy's banned from it.
And the Snappy Jacks have these peas that have a wasbi kick!!
He's banned from those too!!
That is a Jody Coyote necklace...It's so delicate!! I love it!!!
Thank you so much for your thoughtful gifts!!
I used that box....with "Made in Oregon" stamped on it.....to add to the confusion of my recipient.... to fill with my gifts for my secret swap friend....I hope she's surprised!!!
"What are you doing?" again Roy's confused.
"I'm fillin' this box to ship to Texas. That's where my swap goes."
He instantly saw the humor of the Oregon box.
MzAngie....Love, Hugs, and Christmas Cheer From One Of Your Favorite Okies!!!

Friday, December 19, 2008

Hey Babe!!

"What!?"
"Did you read 'Dear Abbie'?" Roy was readin' the newspaper.
"I don't read 'Dear Abbie'. She gives people crap advice!"
"No it's not 'Abbie'. It's 'Ask Amy'!"
"Same thing, I don't read it either! She gives people crap advice!"

And they do!!
Come On People!!
Think for yourself!!!
You really know the answer to your question!!

He continued with the story, tellin' me what had happened. Apparently some woman had found her husband's porn stash. And when she trashed it, he of course bought more!
The wife was shocked.
Amy was shocked.
And now the man is headin' to divorce court.

Roy turned to me and said, "You wouldn't do that to me, would you?"
I'm shocked......That he would even ask!!
"Honey, I am your porn!"

So what's your stance??
To Porn or Not To Porn...that is the question!!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

It's Not Easy For Me To Admit This....

And it's bad enough that I have my mother's legs!!
They are not Tina Turner's legs by any means!!

But my flaw....It's just horrible!!

When I became involved with Roy, I had to break it to him gently. I didn't want to scare him off!!
We had been intimate....and I thought that it was time to tell him before we became emotionally tied....it could be a deal breaker.

So I sat there all rolled up in his bedsheets, frettin' about how to tell him.
I gently, broke the news, "Roy, Honey, I have something I need to show you."
From the tone in my voice, he knew I was quite serious.
"What is it?"
I stood up and turned around and showed him.
I was near tears.
"My left butt cheek sags."
I was mortified!!!

And that was the very first time he rolled his eyes at me!!!

"Oh That! I noticed that right off."
"Really??"
I could have died right there!!!

"No, you silly Twit!"

Why can't men see that it's earth shatterin'!?!?!?
See my drawin' to the right??
That's a self portrait!!!!

Over the years Roy and I have long discussions about my saggin' butt cheek....he thinks it's the way I twist in the mirror....yeah right!!!
He's all the time tellin' me stand straight....and when I can't see it he tells me it's gone....he lies like a dog!!

I could feel it!!!

Last week.....
I was bent over the bathtub combin' out cats durin' one of their conventions...they have gatherin's in the tub....it's quite funny, all 6 in there. George is growlin' the whole time becuz it's his tub.
All that hissin' and spittin'....
But anyway, I was combin' them. Roy was watchin' the whole thing.
"Hey Babe! Whatever you're doin' at the gym for your butt, it's workin'!! It's shapin' up quite nicely."

Well of course I had to look!
I had to check the cheek!
He's right!!
The shape is changin'!!
The saggin' ass cheek is pullin' it's self up!!!!
It will be heart shaped in no time!!

I thought I was doomed forever!!

Vanity, thy name is Nadine.

Monday, December 15, 2008

I Have A Flaw!!

Yeah!!
I Know!!!
Don't Laugh!!!


Many years ago, I was standin' in front of the mirror...accessin' the damage of pregnancy....women do that.
Look at themselves in the mirror...wishin' for the body they had.
Wishin' for the body they want.
Hopin' they don't look like their mother!!!!!!!!

And I screamed!!!!!!!

My sister, RubyJune, came to me one day.
She was panicked!!
"Sister!!!! I have Mom's hands!!!!!!!!"

She got no pity from me.

"RubyJune. I have something to tell you. Take a deep breath. Sit down."
"Yes Sister." She was still breathin' heavy.
Havin' a part of your mother's body is very distrubin'....she had her mother's hands!
She was only 20!!

But she got no pity from me.

"RubyJune. I have her legs."
She screamed!!!!!!!

Our mother was sittin' in the room with us.
She was not amused.

But while I was lookin' in the mirror accessin' the damage of pregnancy and horrified that I had my mother's legs. I noticed something else.....my flaw.

When I scream over the legs thing...my ex-husband, EarlLee came runnin' to check on me. Havin' your mother's body parts....is horrible!!!
I was only 20!!!!

"What? Did you cut yourself?"
I explained to him what the problem was....he smirked!
Roy rolls his eyes but EarlLee smirked!!
That was his downfall....that and the fact that he cut my Schnauzer's eyebrows!!
If I coulda put that down for the reason for divorce I woulda.
"Your Honor, he cut Jeffy's eyebrows! And I can not be married to a man that would do that."
Yep I woulda!!
Yet being a lazy ass bastard was enough.

I let the smirk over my mother's legs slide....I had bigger problems!!

Friday, December 12, 2008

Aaahhh...Uuuuhhmmmm....

"What's a groin pull?" I asked Roy.
He rolled his eyes.
Oh like he hears about a new aliment every day....well okay....he does.
But a groin pull that could be bad.
Right? It seems to be a really big deal in sports!!!

"Why?" he had to ask.
"Well I have this hitch in my getalong."
He rolled his eyes....again.
One day, those might just roll outta his head!!!
"And where is this 'hitch' at?"
"Aaahh....uummm....welllll....it hard to say."

We were at Walmart.
It was one of those things I really just wanted to point at....but like all thing crotch related...people notice.
Or boob related....people notice that too.
It's funny though, I never see anyone else's Boob Moments but Roy tells me all the time that when I have a Boob Moment...EVERY ONE IS WATCHING..."Quit that, You're Embarrassin' Me!!" is what I'm told.
I seem to always notice Crotch Moments on men....they are either pickin' their butt or scratchin' their package.
Or worse...their fly is open!
Or the time when LennyC had the rip in his pants!!!

"Welll....uuhhhmmm...Let's just put it this way, I think I sprained my snatch."

You Know!! I had no idea that he could turn so many shades of red!!!
And for a man that can't turn his head around and look at what I want him to see....he can certainly swivel his head around to look for anyone that might have heard what I just said!!

I was already knee deep in this so I waded on in.....

"And I think we should give it a "test drive" later to make sure it's in good workin' order. Don't you think that's the best way to see if I have a groin pull???"

Thank goodness it wasn't!!
Crisis averted!!


For now.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Models, The Gym and Vanity....

One day outta boredom....and becuz HughJackman was on the cover...I picked up the PeopleMag to read while I was on the bicycle at the gym.
He is hot!!

I saw an article about Roy's favorite VictoriaSecret's Model.
She is hot!!
Hell! I'd do her!
She just had a baby....4 months ago. She lost 45 pounds!!!
IN 4 FREAKIN' MONTHS!!!!!!
By spendin' 3 hours in the gym!!!!
Roy and I have gone back and forth about the amount of time we spend in the gym. He would be in there for hours!!!!!
I do my time and I'm ready to go!!
I'm finished in an hour and 15 minutes!!

So being, shamed by some model I decided to dig down and reach for my inner skinnygirl...I know she's in there! She's just been hawg tied and squash by my outter fatgirl!!
I will gain back my VSShowPony status!!

There is this piece of equipment in the gym that a person has to stand and rest his back on the cushion and his arms on a cushion, grippin' the handles with his feet on the floor....and then a person is to pull his knees up to his chest.
When I mount the thing...my feet do not touch the floor!!
I'm danglin' there!!
I'm so freakin' short!!!
I watched the SnobbyBitch do it one day...she can't lift her knees to her chest. She does about 20 but still....she's not touchin' her knees to her chest. She's lucky to get her feet off the floor!!
I watched the YoungSquire do it....and it was sooooo much better than watchin' her....he did it right!
Knees to the chest!!
And he makes a sound....yeah, I pull the ear thingy out just to hear him....Roy is a lucky man!!!

I know that if I'm gonna claim my VSShowPony status I've got to do it like the big boys....and damn it, I will!!
So I'm danglin' there....hopin' my shorts are not in my crack....becuz I know that people behind me can see that...I do the pull ups.

Let me just say that when I first started doin' them, I only did it when Roy and I were the only ones in the gym....I only managed 3!
It's really hard!!!

But I have progressed to 15....take a break and attempt more.

That's right!
I can do 15!!
I went from pantin' hard and near cardiac arrest with 3 to 15!!
I'm so proud of myself.
But in that second attempt for 5 more...and acheivin' my VSShowPony status.....something went awry. I don't know what I pulled but my VSShowPony status is put on hold.

Later that day, I told Roy that I was havin' some serious pain in my side.
He's listens but becuz I always have a serious pain....he just feigns concern.
"More serious than your brain bleedin' head injury?"
I told him all about it....when it happened and where....I left out the why of it.
My vanity is just about as famous as my illnesses with him.

He just grinned. "Maybe, you shouldn't do that for a while."


At least he didn't roll his eyes!!

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

We Really Love Gil!!

Roy had this bright idea.
He took an empty rum bottle and cleaned it up with the intent of puttin' the sugar in it.
Wait, don't judge!
He has his reasons.
So the bottle still had moisture in it.
"Do you think if I put it on the stove it will break?"
"Try it! I'll gladly furnish you with another one if it does."
He doesn't have any doubt about that!
He put the bottle on the wood stove for about 30 minutes to dry it out....and it worked! No cracks!
So now it was time to put the sugar in it.
I held the funnel while he poured the sugar in....he doesn't like the jar I have it in.
So as he poured it in, there was dust!
I didn't know sugar had dust!
Cheap sugar!!

"When Doc Robbins does my autopsy for the brain injury, he will find a white powdery substance in my nose and confirm that I'm a drunken druggy!"
I've been called a pillpoppin' alcoholic!!
In legal proceedin's!!!!
"No. Grissom will figure it out! He knows the difference between coke and sugar." he said.

We will miss Grissom when he's gone.

Sunday, December 07, 2008

We Love Gilbert!!

The other day we were bitchin' at each other...not about each other but at each other about other things.
Roy was ticked off that the gym lost his profile so all the miles he had walked was wiped out. He was close to 500 miles!! But now he has 325!
And he bitched all the way home!!
I said,"It takes the wind outta your sails, doesn't it?"
"Yes!" he said with a pissy look on his face.
"Kinda like dietin' for 4 months and not losin' any weight?"
"Yes!" he said still just as pissy!
"Kinda like sweatin' your brains out in the gym and not losin' any weight?"
"Yes." he said with a smirk on his face.
"When all along I coulda been eatin' what I wanted!"
And he saw where I was goin'....becuz all he did was grin!

and thought about it...
and finally said, "You'd be fat!"

Whatever!!!

So that just set the tone for the next hour or so....we bitched.
I would cut lose.
And then he would whine some more about the gym.

"And another thing...!" and I would start again.
Which Roy would just grin at me....

All the while I was dryin' my hair....and we would bitch.
"And while I'm on a roll...!"
And I flipped my head over and whacked myself with my hair dryer....If I had a funny bone in my skull...that's what I hit!!
And I cussed about it.
Roy just giggled at me.

"What's so funny! I'll probably keel over dead from a bleedin' in my brain!"
"And I'll go to jail for killin' you!

"Oh No! Grissom will figure it out!!

He just giggled.
And went back to bitchin' about the gym!

Friday, December 05, 2008

And I'm Not The Only One That They Drive Nuts...

Roy's the one that enacted the "ScooterAlert"!

And I take great pride in the fact that I didn't!!

Alert#3:

"Scooter Called!! The Oven is On and We've Got To Go...NOW!!"

After dinner, the women folk were in the house talkin' about babies and weddin's...you know....women talk.
The men folk were outside talkin' about killin' deer and chainsaws...so totally frickin' borin'!!

Roy would come in from time to time to refresh is drink...DrPepper is the Nectar of the Gods!
But the last time he came in, he looked totally flushed and outta sorts.
I cornered him in the kitchen! "Did Scooter Call?"

"Scooter Called!!" he replied!!!

And he walked in the room where everyone had gathered and announced that we were leavin' as Scooter had call to say we were needed at home.

And out the door we went!!
One Bourbon, One Shot, One Beer!

Once we were outta OKC and a few miles up the Turnpike, he spilled his guts.
Apparently, RoySr had bought into one of the cure all potions....the fountain of youth in a bottle. The man is 85!
He'll believe anything!!
So he gave his credit card number to a SnakeOilSalesman for this CureAll and he'll be receivin' a 30day supply every month....which is billed automatically to his CC!!!

If Roy had hair....he would have pulled it all out!!
RoySr is the biggest penny-pincher that ever walked on the face of the Earth!! That man had a kanniption in the Denver Airport of the cost of a HoneyBun that embarrassed not only Roy but QueenVicky and the man sellin' HoneyBuns!!!!!
Annnnnnd......he has guarded his CCnumber all these years only to give it away for junk!!!

Roy couldn't take one more moment with those people.

And to put the cherry on top of it all....all of Roy's life with those people he has had a "poor" life... the life of preacher's son. They seem to do without a lot of things that you or I have taken for granted, to live their life in the service of the Lord....so many things have been "recycled"....I think now they call it "Free-gans"....Food from Dumpsters. RoySr sees that food as wasted so he takes it home.....only to give away his life savin' to a SnakeOilSalesman when he's an old man!!
One the things Roy and I do on the way home...we have a 3 hour drive home...is try to guess what food we were served actual came from the trash.

Is it any wonder we don't visit more???

Honorable mention:
"What the Hell?" Goes to QueenVictoria.
She wrapped her yams in foil and placed them in the microwave and luckily, she turned to me to ask how long she cooked them.
When I told her what she did....I might was well have showed her my penis!
The look on her face would have been horror either way.

Those People Drive Me Nuts!!

And after Roy told me about the CC and the SnakeOil, we both took a deep breath.
I look at each him, and said, "That whole trip really wasn't so bad, was it?"

He agreed.

We've had worse!!

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Seriously, Nuts!!!

Alert #2:

"Hightower2, Hightower1"
"Go ahead Hightower2"
"10-47, We gotta a Signal 76, possibly a Double30, Mile Marker 135OKC"
"Ok We be 10-19 Home! 10-19 Home!!"
"Copy That!"

As we all know....we've talked about it many times....many....many times.
I'm a light sleeper.
Add that to the fact that I hate being in OKC and sleepin' on a sleeper sofa....I have a miserable night's sleep.
But when you have an old man wonderin' around in the middle of the night, bangin' into every freakin' thing in the house on his way to the bathroom....well Hell! I'm a awake!

But wait.
Let me add this bit of trivia....
This is a 3 bedroom house with 3 bathrooms.
That old man passed 2 bathrooms to get to the one on the other side of the house!!!
What the fuck is that all about?????
I asked Roy.
And he had no clue.

Seriously, people!
RoySr could have gotten outta bed and staggered 6 feet to a bathroom.

But Nooooooo!!!!

I was a awake for 3 hours after that!!

10-47...Armed and Dangerous.
Signal76...I think is a wreck. It's been awhile since I used that term.
Double30...dead bodies...2 of them.
10-19 Home....Officer is to report to where ever that 10-19 is.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Those People Drive Me Friggin' Nuts!!!!

I was gonna label this "3 things that my inlaws to that drive me nuts"....but each actually deserve their own blog entry!!!


Alert #1:
Blue 42! Round Robin Right! Tomahawk Chop on 3!!! Break!
Hut!
Hut!!
HUT!!!

We took my inlaws some venison SummerSausage...we love it!! It ranks right up there with the backstrap!
RoySr took some out to cut up to snack on....and he got out a long knife....a dull one.
Thank all that is good and Holy that it was.

He stabbed into it in such a manner that made Roy wince. That man takes great pride in his killin' of the deer and takin' the time and money to have the sausage made that it stresses him a great deal to have someone just stab it!!
While Roy's back was turned in horror, I witnessed RoySr slice into that beloved deer SummerSausage....and the knife turned....and I winced!!!
If that knife had been sharp...we would have had to rush him to the ER for slicin' his hand open...a 6 inch gash that would have been 2 inches deep!!
I kid you, NOT!
That man drives me nuts!!