Monday, June 30, 2008

I Was Stimulated!!!

I finally got my stimulus check!!!




Roy's doin' Roy things with his part.


I bought a toilet!

It's not that I needed it either.....I just wanted a new one! The one we have is just gross with hard water deposits....and we'll leave it at that!!



So we went to Lowe's to look over the potties. I was very happy with a cheap one!! But do you know that there are toilets that are over $500!!!


What does it do???


Make your shit not stink???





Roy had a specific need...and we'll leave it at that!! So Ididn't get the $99 one....he picked out one that meant his specific need....and a price that I could live with....he put his hand on and heard the music. I didn't hear the music from any toilet!!


It was on the top shelf.


You know The Top Shelf....isn't that what THEY call the GOOD DRINKS?? You might know we get a toilet from The Top Shelf!!


Aisles had to be blocked off....two aisles!!!


The forklift thingy had to be brought in.


The woman put on her safety harness....I swear, it looked like she was ready to bungee into to the Grand Frickin' Canyon!!


So while I waited for her to bring down my new pottie, I sat on one of those $500 ones.


And I thought this will be a cute pix for my blog.....

When I got caught takin' my picture on the pottie!!


I have showered with a stranger on Mexican beach....I did have my clothes on!!

I have had a stripper lick my nipples.....and again clothed....sorta

I have peed on a back country road with yippin' coyotes,devil worshipers, and gigglin' drunk girls....if my nekked ass winds up on youtube....heads will roll!!

I have done many a things that would make a normal person die on the spot from embarrassment....And never give it a thought.

But when I was sittin' on a toilet in Lowe's takin' a picture of my feet and got caught by some stranger...he laughed....and blushed......I blushed with embarrassment!!!

I tried to make light of it...."Well I had to try it on!"

Friday, June 27, 2008

Oh I Don't Know....You Tell Me...

Roy kept askin' me "What are we doin' here?"

Wednesday evenin' we were invited out to supper with some friends...HappyWife had an old friend from high school visitin' her. We'll call her MzCarolina. And another friend that was actually an old beau from high school....HappyHusband wasn't so thrilled that he had joined in the fun....we'll call him, EXBeau.

Roy and I was the last to arrive at the restaurant becuz.....well just becuz....I don't want to get into that just yet. By the time we got there the other had had a few margaritas...very few. HappyWife is totally looped on 1!
Only 1!
Drinking is not a strength with her. She's so happy!!
The men talked about guns and huntin' while we women chatted about more serious things, children, travel and shoppin' for shoes. I could have sat there until the cows came home....drinkin' cheap margaritas in the A/C!
But No!

When HappyWife called me up and told me that her friend hadn't gone to blah blah blah....I swear to God I had chills go up my spine becuz I just knew we were goin' back to the strip club!
I asked her to repeat what she had said....."MzCarolina hasn't seen the Spooklight! Let's go!"

Well, Hell! Neither had I but I don't want to go......I don't do spooky shit.
I'd rather go back to the strip club for everyone's amusement!
That's what I'm here for..... For Entertainment Purposes Only!!
I think I would like that tattoo'd on the back of my neck!!

So here we are sittin' in the A/C drinkin' cheap margaritas when the HappyWife who is drunk on 1 wants to make everyone go out and stand around in the heat at DarkThirty on a back country road in an effort to see the Spooklight!!

And we do.

Stand out on a back country road in the heat at DarkThirty with a bunch of ThirtySomethings....and MzCarolina says, "Did you see the satanic symbol on the ground? Let's go!"

By the light of her cell phone we ladies go off in search of the satanic symbol....These girls were so funny. HappyWife kept sayin' "I don't like it here. They do devil worshippin' things out here."

"You're the one that drug me out here!"

We just kept walkin' in the dark to look for them! And then she would say it again. I just laughed.

And I heard the most blood curdlin' scream!!

WE all stopped dead!! MzCarolina held up her cell phone as if to guide the satanic people to us. And HappyWife grabbed my arm, "I told you they do devil worshippin' out here!"

I nearly peed my pants!! From laughin' at them....I spook easily but those two were so funny!!

MzCarolina held up her cell phone so I could find something to pee behind after we decided that there wasn't some woman being raped on the devil's alter of sacrifice...it was just coyotes!

I had had enough....I didn't see any spooklight and I was thirsty! I screamed that I saw the spooklight and everyone ran to the cars and we left with every intention of goin' to the liquor store for drinks.

That didn't happen!

We managed to make it the Devil's Promenade....where all the pot smokers hang out...down by the river....with the WestNile Mosquitoes!!!!!

But we were the only ones there.....with no drinks. I could have killed for a Dr Pepper!!

EXBeau said "Let's go swimmin'!"

I didn't fall for that one! The last time I went skinny dippin' with a group of people I was in my 20's and things were a whole lot skinnier then!!

I totally believe if a person's got it flaunt it! But at 4aaahhh.....35....ish....my flaunt is stayin' covered!

After what seemed like several hours in the heat without anything to drink and being eaten up by WestNile Mosquitoes....the party broke up as the EXBeau decided he was gonna turn into a pumpkin at midnight!

When we got in the truck, to go home, Roy said, "What are we doin' here?"

"Babysittin'!! We are here to make sure nobody swaps spit with ex-beaus or gets raped by devil worshippers on a dirt road or drowns in the river!"

Don't you agree??


Wednesday, June 25, 2008

New Quiz...

Our beloved Ventl8r's idea: "I have compiled a quiz from the book entitled "The Little Book of Stupid Questions" by David Borgenicht. This quiz will contain some very insightful questions geared at revealing your inner self. Have fun!! And as the theme these days is getting to know one another, here's my version." -Kristi

So I'm a team player
....And for fun I'll add Roy too.

1. If you ate your foot would you lose weight?
No, They are a size of hot dog....with less fat!
Yes, those are big suckers...not fat just large!!

2. Is it weirder for you to make love in your parents' bedroom or for them to make love in yours?
Been there and done that....horny-ness overcomes any ounce of icky-ness.
He rolls his eyes. That would be a no! Just too weird. Come to think about it ....do they have sex in it??

3. What vegetable to you most resemble?
A turnip...tiny at the tip and large in the middle with lot of top above the ground.
A green bean....lean and long.

4. What would the name of your band be?
DrunkMidgetSex would open for GrumpyOldDudes!
5. Do you consider yourself to be more of a head-butter or a groin-kicker?
Groin, always! one shot....one kill!
Both, it's dog eat dog world...Do what you have to do....Kill'em all and let God sort it out!!

6. If you had a theme song what would you pick?

6a. What if the song were played every time you entered a room or walked down the street would you change your mind?
No Freakin' Way! I want it played as they roll my casket outta the church!
It should always be played...If it's heard on the PoliceRadio now...it's not Roy.....any more!

7. If you could have one superpower what would it be and how would you use it?
The ability to fly....to be a FreeByrd!!
If??? What?? I don't have superpowers??

8. Which of the Brady sisters would have been most likely to have gotten pregnant as a teen? Marsha.....whatta ho!!
Agreed Marsha....whatta babe!!

9. Do animals think we're magical gods or just plain nuts?
Nuckin' futs! I agree with Kristie....my bed is full of sleepin' cats.....That's not magical!
He rolls his eyes...that would a no!! Get off my bed!!

10. Who would drive you crazy faster - Barney, Urkel, Mr. Rogers, or The Nanny?
Mr Rogers....he seemed a bit creepy.
And was he gay?

11. Who's smarter, dogs who chase their tails and drink out of a toilet - or cats, who lick themselves until they cough up a furball and chase shadows?
Cats...They are on my bed and the dogs are in the backyard....in the sun!
Cats and go get them off my bed Before they throw up on my side!!

12. Do you think the first time corn ever popped it scared the hell out of the Native Americans? My people call it Maise...and it scared me the first time!!
He rolls his eyes...your people?

13. What sort of margin of error do you work with when it comes to the expiration date of food? I'm a total slave to the date. Have you have had food poison???
Throw it out the day before!! I've had food poison!!!

14. What dead person would you least want to be haunted by (remember: how they died would affect how they look as a ghost)?
I don't want to be haunted by anyone....but if I gotta...HeathLedger...he was nekked!! Norma Jean....she was nekked!!

15. Which celebrity's butt would you most like to squeeze?
Brad Pitt
Angelina

15a. Which celebrity would you most like to have squeeze your butt?
Duh...Brad Pitt!
Duh...Angelina....do you think they would do some swappin'? She rolls her eyes!

16. What mail order catalog would you be most likely to model for?
Victoria Secret's Phat Girl line...it doesn't exist and it should!!
Now..National Rifle Association....He was a poster boy once for a CopLand Organization...It's on the Roy Hightower Wall of Fame.

17. If you could have an extra appendage what would it be and where would you put it?
Well I've always wanted a penis....to see what the big deal was all about!
A boob to fondle when you're sick. She rolls her eyes! Men!

18. What would your name be if you were a goodfella?
Slick...nuff said!
Mr Hightower...duh!!

19. Which cartoon ability would you rather have - the ability to paint a hole on a solid object and go through it - the ability to be run over by a steamroller and "shake it off" - or the ability to fall hundreds of feel off a cliff to your certain doom and be back in the very next scene?

The ability to fall and bounce back from it.... The best metaphor for our life.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Roy and His Bitches...

After my bitchin' about ridin' the Sportster and all the pain that it caused, Roy did what he had to to get the Indian runnin'....not that it didn't run...well sorta....long story short....New battery and the bracket on the exhaust was fixed...and we're runnin'.

Calls were made and plans were formed for gettin' the gang together....the being Roy's Bitches! I have always refered to the men that he rides with as bitches....they complain more than I do!!
One the men, Roy has know since 1974. They worked together for many years and know each others secrets.
And I can only stomach one or two of them...and I'm not too thrilled about them!

But one in particular really irks my shit!!

I don't know what his problem is but he has to pick at me.

I do nothing to incourage him.

NOTHING!!

He calls me Squirrel....I don't know why.

He tries to knock me in the water....whenever we are around a pool or a stream...we were at a trout farm and he attempted to knock me in fish pool!

He makes fun of me....I'm shorter than his wife....her ass is bigger.

But what sealed his fate with me is the day he threw a titty baby fit. I was puttin' on my helmet and slidin' my sunglasses in place with my middle finger....which to him I was flippin' him off!!!

"You just flipped me off!"

God! What are we 9?

"If I wanted to flip you off, I would be loud and proud about it and give you the bird to your face. Becuz, I don't play silly baby games."

I have asked Roy time and time again what that guy's problem is and why does he go outta his way to annoy me. He can pick on his own wife...and leave me alone.

Roy sums it up as he likes me and that is only way he can show it in front of everyone.

Whatever!

HE'S A FREAKIN' ASS!!! And I told Roy I didn't ever want to be around that asshole ever again...so far so good that has held for 3 years!!


So Saturday when the calls were made and Roy's BigBitch said DaYamahaMan might be comin' I almost didn't go.

We didn't actually ride with him but we did run into him and his wife....she's not friendly in the least little bit. I managed to make thru it without havin' to speak to either of them.

These people got a dog from the clinic that I worked at and blamed me when it didn't obey them....like I had something to do with it!!

I don't need that shit!


We had a pleasent time.....ate a place in Missouri call Undercliffs....with 3 dogs.....and the food was good....if you don't mind the fact that the dog just pooped on the other side of the porch!! I wonder how they get that past the health department?


It's early in the ridin' season.....and I'm love ridin' that Indian!!

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Hail and Frogs....

After the hailstorm, I sent Roy out to get what was left of the green beans while I cooked supper. He came in with a small bowl full of beans.

I could have cried!

I had been pickin' about 2 pounds of beans before the storm.

It was just heartbreakin' to look at that small bowl of beans.

A few hours later, I went out to look over the rest of the garden, and I noticed there were still green beans on the plants.

What the Hell??

"Honey!!! I told you to get all the beans that were left!!!"

He said he had only went half way down one row. I normally went down the middle, pickin' from each row!!

He is no longer in charge of the beans!!

I don't do watermelons, okra, and corn and he doesn't do tomatoes, peppers, and beans!!

And the fun around here is just non-stop....

Roy came runnin' in the house, "Get your shoes on!"

"Get your Camera!"

"And get your glasses!"

Roy was excited!!

"I think I found an alien!"

E.T. Phone Home!!
Let's just this thing hid under the seat of his motorcycle and "it croaked"!!!

Friday, June 20, 2008

We Have Babies!!

"I'm being controlled by birds!"

"I'm trapped in my house by birds!"

"I'm not goin' out the front door either!"

Things that Roy has exclaimed with great exasperation!

Earlier in the spring, some barn swallows or mud swallows decided my back porch would be a
good place for a nest. There are a lot of bugs that are drawn to the night light so there would be a food source. Two swallows started to make a nest. Little by little they built their nest.

One huge flaw in their plan for a new home.

The OutDoorCats are fed right under the nest!!

Roy decided instead of knockin' down the nest he moved the deep freeze that the cat feeder was on. He took pity on the birds.
I mean really!
What were they thinkin'???
Every time we went the back door....which is the door we primarily use...the birds would fly from the nest.
We tried to sneak out but it didn't work....they were very alert and out they flew. One would think they would get used to use comin' and goin'...but no!

Roy watched them intently and checked the nest every so often for eggs. And one day there were five!!

We were excited!!
Roy watched the parents do the "changin' of the guard". One bird would get up and "count" the eggs and the other bird sat on the edge and then he counted the eggs and then sat on them while the other bird took a break.
"They counted eggs?? "
That's what it looked like to Roy!
And then they hatched......all the excitement has gone!

Now let me tell you a little story....the time Roy tried to save the baby robins from one of the cats.
It was totally innocent.
He saw the cat stalkin' the tree and before he could get to the cat, it was in the tree. Roy had to go into the tree to get the cat and all the baby robins jumped outta the nest!!!!

He felt so bad!!
Baby robins chirpin' for mom!!
Mom chirpin' for the babies!!
The daddy robin was after the cat!!
Roy caught a couple of babies and put them as close to the next as possible but couldn't put them all back....it was a mess.
And the minute he had his back turned the cat came back....despite the robins and mockin'birds being after him.
Roy gave up and hoped that the parent birds could handle the situation if he penned up the cat.
He tried to do the right thing.
So here we have these nekked swallows in a mud next less than 6 feet from the cats and the parents jump and fly every time we go out the back door!!


I can only see gloom and doom comin'!!

And Roy knows it. "I wish I had knock down that nest!"

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Can She Bake a Cherry Pie Billy Boy??

That would be a no.

We have 1 1/2 cherry trees. And I say half becuz most of it is gone and it's not standin' up right. We planted 4 but they are not very sturdy trees and have broken in the ice storms and high winds of the thunderstorms. We planted them in our first year here. They were nice little trees....supposedly, Bing Cherry.

That again would a NO.

We have stopped buying fruit trees from Lowes and Home Depot as they are never what they are marked. But anyway...

For the first time in 13 years, we had cherries! Beautiful cherries! Perfect little sour cherries!!!

The whole time I was pickin' them I was thinkin' of how I was gonna get them into some vodka.

Roy told to try a pie....riiiiiight.

We all know I can't bake!

So one day I sat down to clean them. I decided to cook them down and then make the pie when I felt better.


That never happened!


But I have the most de-lish cherry syrup....that was an absolute mess on the stove. And I can't wait to have Cherry Limeade Margaritas!!

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Hail!! Hail!! The Storm Is Here!!!

All spring long we have missed out....rat finks....on the damagin' storms. So as we heard there was a SEVERE Thunderstorm in our town....not just our county but OUR TOWN. We had to go out and see it.

WE were stumped!
There was no 70mph winds and no hail! The rain was coming straight down....gentle rain. The kind that you fall asleep with....so calmin' it was.
Then little by little hail started to fall....little bits here and there.....and the a gentle breeze started to blow.
We checked with the TV for a report on the so-called Severe Thunderstorm. We were advised to "take cover immediately!!!"

But No!
We watch the gentle rain from our from porch.

Suddenly the wind picked up and all the hail from the heavens fell upon my garden....yard...trees....flowers....shreddin' everything!!!!!!

Take Cover??
No way!! I had to video tape it!!
The rain came so hard in 45 minutes that it created a river in the front yard....and down the ditch....and covered the road.
We watched a 4x4Truck go thru it and then a Jeep....well we had to do that!!

Let's just say that was one the dumbest things we have ever done!!!

The pickup still coughs a bit!!

Oh what great fun!!

If I'm lucky I might get tomatoes from my garden!!

Monday, June 16, 2008

Shoppin' With Roy and the Locusts...

As I slept most of Saturday, Roy worked his ass off in the yard. When I woke up Sunday mornin' he was already out in the yard doin' somethin'. I felt a bit better so I got into the shower. He came in and announced we needed to go to town.
Okay!
A trip to the Mall was all I heard thru the locust.
He likes to park around by Sears where I have to walk thru the tool section...I hate that. I have been timed to see how quickly I can get thru there...straight to shoes.
I am not a big fan of Sears...it's like an upscale KMart. I don't do KMart!
As I was sprintin' thru tools...outta the corner of my eye....was THE stove!
The clouds parted.
The sun shone down.
The angels played their horns.....there was confetti!!
And big red sign....SALE!!!!!
I was magically transported to THE Stove.....glass top with radiant heat! It would make the Cherry Syrup Mess clean up sooooooooo much easier!

I refrained from huggin' it.

Where is Roy? He has to see this!
I looked in the oven...I can still broil....where is that man??
OOOh, I can store stuff in the bottom...I'll call him!
One hand on THE stove and one hand diggin' in my purse lookin' for that damn cell phone.....the Voice Of Reason said, "What ARE you doin'?"
You know the Voice of Reason.....it's the one that keeps me from buyin' $300 purses.
Shoes so high that I would break my ankle when I fell...Oh I would fall!
Big Ass leather recliners that smell like a baseball glove.
Corvettes....that voice.
Have you ever sat in a Big Ass Leather Chair??
Oh it's just sinful!!
And it was a lot like sittin' in the corvette....it just wraps around you.....oh so good.
The Voice of Reason said, "You don't need a stove. You need a dishwasher."
I have never had a dishwasher sing to me!
The Voice of Reason said, "Let go of the stove and go buy shoes."
Shoes??
I don't need shoes either but Roy won't a conniption over them!

I like sneakers. White Ones! I want court shoes...Reebok stopped makin' them for women. As I was perusin' the sneakers I saw a pair of white court lookin' shoes over in the little boy's section! For $17!!
I have been blessed with small feet and it has saved truckloads of money by buyin' little boy sneakers and boots.
I picked up my new shoes and took them to the sales desk. The young man that was ringin' up my shoes was talkin' to me but I couldn't hear anything over the locust but "Free shoes!"

Free Shoes??
And I told him I couldn't hear real well, to say all that again.
Apparently, if my child wears out this pair of shoes in a year and is still in the same size I can get another pair of shoes!!!
Cool deal right???
"These are for me."
"Well you can still get the same deal."
"Let's be honest here, This pair of shoes" and I lovingly rubbed the box, "is one of hundreds that will be in my closet and there is no way I will wear them out in a year. Thank you anyway."
Me and the locust went on our merry way with our new shoes.

I started to feel bad....I only made it to 4 stores. Too much uneven temperature in the mall. And the smell in OldNavy was horrible. The EPA should look into OldNavy! FEMA trailers?? Got nothin' on OldNavy!!!
OldNavy has always smelled of formaldehyde!!!

I met back up with Roy he was ready too. And as we walked towards Sears, I asked if he had heard the music in the appliance section too.
"NO...and what did you do about it?"
"Nothing. I don't really need a stove. But I'll show it to you."
As we approached THE stove....I heard the angels playing the music....and the confetti was fallin'.
"This one. Do you hear the music."
He smiled. "No."
"Touch it. Stand right here," I pushed him just a bit to the right. "Now do you hear the music. There's confetti!"
The salespeople were circlin'....they were gonna make a sale!

Roy said, "No. I don't hear the music but over in the tool section I heard the music on a 45 piece set. Do you wanna go look at those?"
And he walked away!
"Well of course not! You are gonna deny me my last wish on my death bed."
He stopped and turned around....face reddened but still smilin'...said, "No, but you do not need a stove. And you are not dyin'! Now let go of the oven door and slowly walk away!"

It was decided that I would go to the doctor the next day. Not the Shrink! But the doctor to get rid of the locust!

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Mosaic...

Billie gave me the skinny on this:

Here is what to do if you would like to create your own mosaic:

  • Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search.
  • Using only the first page, pick an image.
  • Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into fd’s mosaic maker.


1. What is your first name?

2. What is your favorite food?

3. What high school did you go to?

4. What is your favorite color?

5. Who is your celebrity crush?

6. Favorite drink?

7. Dream vacation?

8. Favorite dessert?

9. What you want to be when you grow up?

10. What do you love most in life?

11. One Word to describe you.

12. Your flickr name.

Here's mine:


1. <a href="Rory'>http://www.flickr.com/photos/mrspiggy/2323254161/">Rory and Nadine - My #1 & #2</a>, 2. <a href="Nacho'>http://www.flickr.com/photos/gwen/284753308/">Nacho Libre</a>, 3. <a href="sunset'>http://www.flickr.com/photos/econ/1252757770/">sunset, lake oologah</a>, 4. <a href="Gizmo</a'>http://www.flickr.com/photos/todorrovic/2287792473/">Gizmo</a>, 5. <a href="Brad'>http://www.flickr.com/photos/caroline_bonarde/2020005308/">Brad Pitt Close-Up</a>, 6. <a href="Just'>http://www.flickr.com/photos/robynsnest/16202390/">Just add tequila</a>, 7. <a href="Oldest'>http://www.flickr.com/photos/visbeek/1250035027/">Oldest wooden bridge in Europe</a>, 8. <a href="Chocolate'>http://www.flickr.com/photos/brettlove/2419896481/">Chocolate Chip Cheesecake with Raspberries</a>, 9. <a href="Petit'>http://www.flickr.com/photos/antiundersteer/1579708295/">Petit Lemans 2007 Night Shots Co driving Buckets EOS 400D 128.jpg</a>, 10. <a href="Our'>http://www.flickr.com/photos/gwen/128783814/">Our Vegas Wedding</a>, 11. <a href="Backlit'>http://www.flickr.com/photos/valanne/2178020969/">Backlit Beauty</a>, 12. <a href="interference</a'>http://www.flickr.com/photos/stockmann/416356507/">interference</a>

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Gypsies, Poker and Porn...

Oh if only we had our BeeHives and Heels on.....


MzThystle and I were beautiful gypsies....long flowing hair and scarfy dresses. We had bells on our fingers and rings on our toes. We danced and frolic'd like we didn't have a care.
But we were on a quest to find the Wizard....THE ALL KNOWING WIZARD! He had the magic and answers to our questions...he dispense his great wisdom!
So we stalked his mother!
But we did not sneak or lurk....we danced and frolic'd!!
She lead us to a house...she went in and came out with another woman....a very ugly woman!
It was the Wizard in Drag!!
He thought in his great wisdom that he could fool us....not MzThystle and I!
We tackled his ass!
I held onto his feet and MzThystle pinned down his arms and sat on his chest. She demanded that he tell us about his great magic and answer our questions!

In his infinite wisdom he said, "Sure What the Hell? Let's play poker."

We all sat around a table as he dealt out the cards. He looked at me and said, "You Dance. You Gotta Pay the Fiddler!"

I turned to MzThystle, "I'm doin' this for you, Sister."
And hiked up my dress and rolled around on the ground with the Wizard!!

Becuz that what you do with Ron Jeremy, The Wizard!!

And then I woke up!

Why oh Why?
When I had the dream about Brett Favre couldn't I have been rollin' around on the ground with him...But NO!

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

The Locust Have Moved In!!!

So I have this ear infection...it hurts! I feel like I'm under water. I have locust in my head!!
I have been dealing with it since Thursday.
Friday was Hair Day for the MerryWidow....I told her I didn't feel well and I didn't want to run all over the countryside.
Well she is one of those holistic medicine people. She tried to "cure" me.
It didn't work. Maybe if I "believed"!
But she did manage to have her done, have lunch at the casino....I made $7.90 on a penny machine...so I didn't complain.
She managed to go to Joplin to the bank....that would a 30 mile drive!!
So much for not wantin' to run all over the countryside!!
And our final stop was the candyhouse....I think she finally saw that I was not up to par.
I ask you if you saw a person that sittin' on the floor with her head in her hands, wouldn't you key on that she didn't feel too swooft????
Now I have my moments wear the medicines all come together and I feel a bit better but I'm only good for about 3 hours and then I crash!!
Roy found that out Sunday!! I'll tell you about that later.
His first clue should have been when I slept most of Saturday.
I finally went to the Indian Clinic Monday. I was hopin' for an instant fix. One of those, "Holy Shit! This is the worst ear infection I have ever seen!! We must rush her into surgery to fix it."
But No!
As of Tuesday AM I still have Locust in my head....they have power tools....and stomp around in my head.....and one them has a knife! Every so often I have a stabbin' pain in ear!
The antibiotic they gave is suppose to help with removin' the ringin' but it only pissed off the locust and they started up the power tools...so not only do they sing but they sound like they are buildin' a house to PERMANENTLY LIVE IN MY HEAD!!!
The Kid in the pharmacy said that the antibiotic would cause me to be sensitive to sunlight..."I've got that under control. I'm a delicate flower and I don't go outside!"
Oh and they wanted me to use a nasal spray....I don't have a problem with my nose. It's been as clear as a bell until now!
After the freakin' nasal spray!!
Oh, I questioned that.
I was told it would help....that would a big fat NO!!!!
And I have a cough....I cough as long as I'm bed with Roy. I sleep on the couch I don't cough! Don't connect it to him........... directly!
It's the fans! That HE has to have on!!!!!

And I have had dreams of cruises...almost nightly...so weird right?? Okay not for me but Last night....Me and Mz Thystle.....No. A tale for later.

So in the coming days as I feel good enough to sit here and type I'll tell about shoppin' with Roy and my new shoes.
I'm so obsessed with shoes...I think I would buy them on my death bed!

Me and my locust are goin' back to the couch!

Have a nice day!!

Sunday, June 08, 2008

Bug Off!!

Scratchin' his head Roy said, "I think I have head lice!"
Oh Brother!!
"You do not have lice."
"How do you know?"
"If you had lice I would have lice and I don't have lice!"
He was tryin' to come up with something smart ass to say.
But failed! "My head itches."
I told him to use shampoo instead of the bar soap to wash his hair. He's bald but that's no reason to use a bar of soap to wash the little bit of hair he has.
"I've been usin' your shampoo."
He'd better not be!!!
He doesn't smell like lemons!!!
3 days later, he says, "I think I have lice."
Oh Brother!!
"You do not have lice. I would have seen them when I gave you a haircut."
"Their tiny and you can't see them!"
So here we go with a long drawn out speech about head lice and how I know that he doesn't have them. And why he should use shampoo.
And then I said, "You remember when we went thru this once before with EudoraMae?"
"No refresh my memory."
My youngest child was given a microscope for Christmas and she made her own slides all the time. One day as I was readin' the mail she said, "Hey Mom, come look at this!"
And I did the motherly thing and went and looked. I went back to the mail. Not really payin' too much attention to her but wantin' to maintain the "good mother" image, I said, "That's cool. Where did you get the bug?"
"From my hair!"
I screamed!!!!!
She had long hair...down to her ass.
Her sister had long hair.....I had long hair.....All I could think about was shavin' our heads!!!!!!
We shared everything!!!!S
he was the only one to have lice.
We burned her pillow....washed all her bedding. Threw away her hair thingys and brushes and made a mad run to the pharmacy for head lice medicine.
I cried and I cried as I combed her hair.
I was devote in my cleansin' her of her bugs!!

Roy does not have head lice...he's dryin' out his scalp by usin' the bar soap!!

Friday, June 06, 2008

Sorry Folks...

I haven't felt well.....damn summer colds....or freakin' allergies!

All I know is I feel like shit! One of my ears is not functionin' right.

In the past 2 weeks:
I haven't heard from the pool dude....and I'm sweating!!
I have seen the IndyJones Movie...I expected more.
I've made some changes here there and 'round the internet....Roy quit his job.
Roy quit is job...he'll be in my hair!
And speakin' of Roy...he's been happier than a pig in shit!!
One lap dance and he's totally content!!
What gives??
I wasn't too whoop-dee-fuckin'-do over his!!

I haven't received my stimulus check...and I'm bummed.

And now becuz it's hair day with the MerryWidow....I must force myself into the shower.

Have a great weekend!!

Go ahead...do it for me!

Thursday, June 05, 2008

And I cried!!

There are spoilers....stop now if you haven't seen "Sex and The City" movie.
Roy and I went to see it on Saturday. He's my best "ChickFriend". He followed the show with me and liked just as much I did. None of my actual gal pals watched the show.
We were 2 of 18 people in the theater. Roy was 1 of 5 men....I love my life in a small town!! We went early becuz we wanted to be sure we got in and had the right seats....no problem!!

Every review I have read said the movie was lackin' something. That the story didn't transfer to the big screen.
What??
Are audiences different from TV to Movies???
I'm not!
I love this movie. Roy thought is was great. We loved the show!! This was a perfect way to complete it!
Roy was so pissed that Big didn't get outta the car!! Every other man woulda got outta the car!
All I could think was "Don't be a dick, Big! Just man up and go."
Hell it wasn't about him!
A wedding never is...it's a woman's day to shine in all her glory. All the man has to do is show up!
Big crushed that! That was unforgivable...I would not have done it!!
The tears rolled when Carrie beat him with the bouquet....my heartbroke for her.
And Samatha feedin' her....I just cried!!

I try not to go to movies that I know I will cry....messes up my makeup and I have red eyes. Funny thing, My "ChickFriend" knows me well enough that he brought me napkins for "when I got moist."

I was dissappointed in Samantha though....she broke up with Smith....and I cried! Her first real relationship and she leaves him. Roy said "At she didn't cheat on him with the neighbor guy."
And Charlotte worried about losin' her baby....and I cried!

Big sent emails and phone messages....what happened to actually goin' to see her in person??
Is that what the world has come to...emails and texts??? So sad.
At least Steve tried!! You gotta give ol OneBall a pat on the back for that!!
I was not totally "in love" with Jennifer Hudson. Maybe she was better in "Dreamgirls"?? She did get an award for it. But she just didn't do it for me.


So what was your take??

Monday, June 02, 2008

Girlfriends, Husbands and Strippers...

Oh My!

Sunday evening, Roy summed up the whole weekend with, "This weekend totally sucked, except for 5 minutes that was very cool."


Friday afternoon my friend, HappyWife, called to ask what my plans were for the weekend. I didn't really have anything planned except to see "Sex and the City". It was her anniversary weekend and they wanted to do something with me and Roy. I would rather spend my anniversary alone with Roy but that's just me.
She confessed that the last time she and the HappyHusband went to Tulsa they had gone to a strip club. But as he pulled into the parkin' lot, she chickened out. She just couldn't get outta the car!
And then she said the words that will forever be imprinted on my brain, "If you go with me, I can do it."

I am her courage!
Right up there with Jack Daniels, Jose Cuervo, and now me..... Nadine Hightower!!
I'm so stoked!!
I told her that when ever she was ready just call, "I'm there for you."

Strip clubs are no big deal. Sure there are other men but She would have been with her hubby. She should feel comfortable with him in a club...right??
Maybe it was nekked women that she felt uncomfortable with...Who knows?

But with me, she could do it!

As Roy and I came out of the theater, we were checkin' our cell phone messages. I had one from the HappyHusband.
ME!
Not Roy!
It was time to go to the Strip Club!!
We met up with them and goofed around shoppin' for bras, boots, and motorcycles....well the guys did the motorcycle shoppin'.
Dinner was eaten and margaritas were drank....it was time for the HappyWife to overcome her fear.
It was no big deal. She walked in with her head held high. I chose seats that were close enough to the action but not sittin' in the "Flesh Zone"....at the stage! I didn't want her first experienced to overshadowed by seein' too much of a stranger!

The men had lap dances as we watched.....and laughed...oh did we giggle!!

And then out came a stripper that was just right. She had long legs and was shaped just right with real boobs. I knew that Roy would like her. She did her dance set and then came off the stage to work the room for lap dances.

Roy is a lucky man...to be married to a woman that would pay for his lap dances. And this young woman was just the right one.

I held my dollar in the air. Roy would love this!!

And before I could say, "This is for my hubby."..... That woman straddled me!!!!

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

What do I do with my Hands????!!!! You can't touch the dancers!!!!!
What the hell is she doin' to my neck????
Holy Shit! She's kissin' it!!!!! and she purred!!!!!!!
Oh does she smell good!!!!!
And what is she doin' with my hand???!!
It's on her ass!!!!!!!!
Oh God!!!

Now one would think this sort thing happens to me all the time...but no!
So I am as cool as I can be....the ladies don't normally do the lap dances very long...just enough to get the guy to go for a "private dance". She should be done soon.

But no!!

She parted my legs and put her head in my crotch pushin' my feet into the air!!!!!
OH Holy Shit!!!
I didn't see any men get that treatment!!
Then she came back up to my neck....gropin' my boobs.
She grabbed my hips and said "Give me that Ass!" and pulled me to the edge of the chair!

She started to raise my shirt!!!!!
Next thing I know my nipples are being sucked and blown on!!!!!
HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!
She said, "Are you ready for this?"
OH God....WHAT NOW????
And she pressed her pierced nipples on my boobs!!! And nuzzled my neck again!!!!

And all I could do was laugh!!!!

And then it was over!!

I noticed that Roy had a gal on his lap but he wasn't really into his lap dance... at all!! In fact he was a bit perturbed that she had interrupted what would be a moment in his life that he would never forget!!!
And He was Ready to go home....As no lap dance he would ever get would compare to what he just witnessed.
I looked over at the HappyCouple...She was laughin' her ass off!!! She saw more of me than she ever had!! Oh, we talk about my nipples poppin' out all the time....no biggy! They do that. But actually seein' them....with some woman suckin' on them....no! So much for overshadowin' her experience!!
The HappyHusband was grinnin' the biggest opossum eatin' shit grin. He scooped up what was left of his money and handed it to Roy and said, "Send Nadine to the stage! Let's see what happens to her there!!"

Not his wife! But It's Okay To Send Me!!

I did not go to the stage!

On the way home Roy wanted to hear all about it and the details of everything he missed. With the biggest grin ever he said, "Go ahead, admit it. You liked it."

"Okay, but don't expect me to go all gay on you!"

The weekend totally sucked, except for 5 minutes that was very cool!!