Wednesday, April 30, 2008

The BeeHive Ladies....

That is a group of women that are too freakin' cool to be in the RedHatSociety!! That whole hat thing would screw the BeeHive!!!

Let's remember that I just made that up. The BeeHive Ladies....I did it, sittin' here at my own PC!
Like VelvetTush....that's mine too. But I have found others that have used it.....What the Hell People?? Come up with your own shit and leave mine alone!!

But anyway....The BeeHive Ladies...
I want to wear silk and pearls and drink martinis for lunch.
That would be the catch phrase..."We will wear Beehives and Silk."

I have noticed that there are women that revel in the RedHats...that's okay....Laugh and Live it up.
But there are those that feel the RedHats are below them.....my mother in law, QueenVictoria! She loves to be part of a group but she wants to lead it .....so she isn't invited. She would NEVER wear purple...it's not her color...How can somebody say that purple is not her color???
And above all things, she would NEVER EVER WEAR A RED HAT!!!

Then there are those that wear BeeHives! Those are the ones that I hang with...the ones that cuss, gamble, and drink.
Yesterday was The MerryWidow's birthday and we had a party. She 84...we party all the time!
So I pulled out my silk blouse and pearls.....spritzed on my old lady perfume....CoCo Chanel. I wanted to smell better than the BenGayGroup but not take away from the BirthdayGirl.
She had invited another friend of mine...that wears a BeeHive.....becuz The MerryWidow loves to rub elbows with "Celebrities"....and couple of other ladies from TheHealthNutStore.
It was a nice lunch....The MerryWidow didn't drop any FBombs.
Or break out in song....one day while at the Casino for lunch she heard TonyBennett singin' and she burst out in song! He seems to be a trigger for her!
I felt like I was in a musical!!
And it wasn't Julie Andrews on a mountain top!!!
But in her mind who knows?? She's probably rollin' around in the edelweiss with her young lover.
And when she was done, she said, "I was so good as a young girl that I had a scholarship to go that fancy school in Vienna. I would have been big in Austria. And then doze Nazis rolled in...Doze Suckas!!"

It's always something....

So are you in with me??
The BeeHive Ladies??

Monday, April 28, 2008

Tagged!!

Yep! I've been Tagged by Jean! I love tags!!!



Should you like to play along these are the rules:
Link the person who tagged you.
Mention the rules in your blog.
Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours.
Tag 6 following blogger's by linking them.
Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger's blogs letting them know they've been tagged.



Six unspectacular quirks about me:


*** I don't think any of my quirks are unspectacular!! There mine...I own them!!***


1) The ....
Well, if you know anything about a blonde...of an average intelligence....and we must spell check that word...intelligence.... I thought an extra E was needed...just like in blonde... Not that there is an extra E but an E.....that's what my shampoo bottle says.....even if I know the ZooKeeper will come and correct it.....

Wait...where were we???
That's the way my brain works! In broken thoughts....like that.


2) Oh, for the love of all that is good and Holy.....why can't I remember that numbers do not capitalize!! Need I say more about being blonde??


3)I'm a hoarder.
I keep just about everything that comes into this house. It's in my DNA. My Granny's people did it. I think it comes from growin' up without things...not me but them...I had an easy life.

I have 5 closets full of clothes. I have 7 dressers and chester drawers...I think normal people call them chest of drawers. And still there are clothes piled on two beds and in chairs and on a wicker chest. The 5 trunks and foot lockers ....wait there are more than 5...and I have no idea exactly how many there are....are stuffed full of blankets and sheets..... Oh and some of Roy's junk.

Last week, I needed an iron. So the great search was launched to find it. We found 4....bought at auctions...in baskets of junk. None that I could actually use....broken cords or so freakin' old that I was afraid of it....but we never found the one I was actually lookin' for and Roy said, "Are you sure you didn't give it to one of the girls?"

Light bulb goes on....maybe I did!

I still need an iron.


4) I give things away.
It's in my DNA too. My people may be hoarders but we also give our stuff away. I was very shocked that other people do not...they sell it.... To family members??? That is just a concept that I have never grasp.

Wanna be my friend?
You will either come up with clothes, dishes, shoes, purses, small appliances...I don't know how many times I have bought a blender....and the occasional iron.



5) I talk with my hands.
You just don't get to see it. Imagine a person typin' along...stoppin' every little bit and wavin' her hands around tryin' to come up the thought!!
That's me!!
See I just did it....well....maybe you didn't....whatever!

6) I don't tag others.
Call me quirky.....but I don't. I love to be tagged. But others for some reason feel it's a burden. When I'm tagged, I also read the other people that were tagged along with me. Becuz, I might find someone else as quirky as me!
You never know who might be a blonde hoarder that loves to give away all her things....thinks in broken thoughts that talks with her hands.....that can't remember that the NUMBERS do not capitalize!!

Friday, April 25, 2008

This is What I Have to Work With....

They're like little kids!!
Really smart ones!!
From the time I get up, until the time they poop out..... from followin' me room to room.... Readin' blogs ......doin' the dishes ....laundry ....sewin' ....showerin'..... There's no pix of showerin'....that you don't get to see....but this my life!!


Oh, how I love it!!!


And for the record...NEVER LEAVE YOUR MONSTER IN THE DRYER!!! He has cat blogs to read!!

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

I Should Get a Gold Star or Something!!

Yes. I should!!
I know what I'm about to tell does indeed confirm the fact that I need help....mentally. It is a mature adult thing that I'm about to tell you.....I do have mature moments. They are rare!



Yes....The lawn furniture....it has been moved! But not by Roy. I did it! Just to prove I could.



But the Gold Star.....One evening, during supper, I asked Roy to show me how to run the mower.

Yep, he had that same look!!! Shocked!!




"Don't make any decisions now. Think about it and get back to me."



We all know I don't mow...click here. But I wanted to help him. I could do the small sections of the yard.



Yesterday, I took the dogs for a walk. Ralph is so outta shape! Okay... one of us needs to walk and it ain't Ralph!

Then on the last trip around, he zigged when I zagged and I fell in the driveway. It really hurt....my palms are scraped up. I told Roy what I did and showed him my hands.

He just shook his head. He watched me fall the last time...click here. He knew it had nothing to do with the dog!

During supper, I brought up the mower lesson again. He looked at me with that same shocked look.

"You can't even walk the dog without gettin' hurt! There is no way I'm gonna let you mow the yard!"



I tried!

The 5 and Dime....

So Roy and I were walkin' back to the motel from a supper of guacamole and margaritas...Cantina Laredo is the best!!!

Ask for David as your waiter, he is awesome!!

The water and fire display is really neato frito!!

Vicky, you can feel the heat if you are too close. And you will get sprayed...a fine mist of water....very appealin' in the heat of summer!! There is a "MoonDance" song that has no fire.

Anyway, we were walkin' up the this steep hill....my legs still hurt from all the hill walkin'....Branson is located in the Ozark Mountains.....and everything is built on a hill.....as we passed this one store I stopped to go in it. I heard Roy cuss about it but he knew I couldn't do too much damage....I was tapped out on cash!

When I opened that door of the 5 and Dime I was transported back to 1975!!

It was just like the DimeStore in Collinsville, Oklahoma in 1975!!!!

It was awesome!!!!!

The store was layed out the same...women's underwear next to the baby things....toys in the back and sewing notions in the middle of the store.....And they had everything!!!

I wish I had had money. They had embroidery thread for 39cents!!! Thread was still 3 for dollar!!

And all the iron on patterns for embroidering tablecloths, table runners and pillow cases....my Walmart quit sellin' all those things. Crush the little man and stop sellin' the necessities of country life!!!

And then there it was.....the candy counter!!!

THEY HAD ZOTZ!!!!

Do you remember when you were little and the candy counter was huge....and not at a quiktrip! Or on the way outta Walmart!

There was all the candies from my childhood....candy cigarettes....and ZOTZ!!!!!

When I was a kid, Granny used to go to town once a week....on Saturdays....to buy supplies. We only went once a week. We didn't just hop in the car run to Walmart just becuz we needed a bag of chips. She bought for the week. She always gave us kids $1. It went alot further back then! I often bought a comic book and some candy or blow the whole thing on "TV DINNER"...that was a big deal...becuz I was raised on fried chicken, fried steaks, fried pork chops and mashed potatoes and gravy....every meal was fried!!

Ever have a Tbone steak breaded and fried??? My Granny had no idea about grillin' or broilin'.....the breadin' just didn't work out well under the broiler!! The only thing I fry now is fish and okra....and shrimp!

One day my baby sister and I went to the DimeStore....I guess I was 11 becuz RubyJune was 3...we went all by ourselves..... Crossed the street and everything....small towns are a great way of life. She had her money in her pocket and I had mine. I left her in front of the candy while I went back to see if they had gotten new comic books....I liked Wendy and Richie Rich .....Casper was my favorite! I made my choice, gathered up RubyJune and paid for my book.

We hadn't walked 1 foot from the store when RubyJune stopped and said, "Hey, Sissy!!" She pulled up her shirt to reveal the candy she had stuffed in her pants!!!!!

I jerked that candy from her pants and marched her back in the store and put it back on the shelf and walked out....scoldin' her all the way back to the car! Those old biddies normally watched us like hawks but miss that move by RubyJune!! I couldn't bare the thought of being kicked out of the DimeStore forever!!

She pouted all the way home and Granny gave her a whoopin'. She didn't do that ever again!!



Bad to the Bone startin' playin'....transportin' me back to 2008...Roy was callin'!

"What ARE you doin'?" Apparently, I was in there a long frickin' time....it was just so neato.

"Oh Honey! It's just so neato!! It's 1975 in here!!"

"Well come on."

"I can't. I have my hands full of candy!" I HAD ZOTZ!!!!!

"You have no money."

"You'll have to come in and bail me out."

"No, I won't.




"Yes! You will!!! Becuz I'm not comin' out and you'll have to come in and get me!"



2 minutes later I'm walkin' down the streets with my Zotz!!



For those of you that have no clue to what Zotz are.....and I'm so very sorry for you....they are a hard candy that a powder in the center that fizzes when it makes contact with your saliva....to the point that you could look like a rabid dog......and it's just neato!!!! They come in Apple, Cherry and Watermelon.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Weekend Road Trip...

Roy and I went to Branson, Missouri. It's always a fun trip. But nothing too excitin' happened this time out. I did discover a "5 and Dime"....I haven't been in one of those in years. Walmart pretty well crushed them over all the land....but missed the one in Branson. I'll tell you all about it later.

I think I should keep of list of "Stories for Later" becuz I know I always forget about them. I get into some other mess and it just slips my mind.

Roy and I did a cave tour....it's like the 25th time we've done it in the past 14 years. It's something to do. And this was the first time that we actually saw bats....one actually flew around! So cool!!

We did a lot of people watchin'....it's pretty interestin'.....and scary!

Have you actually just watched people?

Couple a things I noticed: What happens to a man's butt that it just disappears? Back to legs...not ass.

And what on God's little green earth makes a woman think that she's not gonna have achin' feet after wearin' high heels to an amusement park?

And another thing.....Why do girls wear a white t-shirts and then be all surprised when it gets wet and we all see your taa-taas???

Didn't your momma tell you anything???

Okay, so she wore high heels to an amusement park!! But still!!

I tried to upload some video from my digital camera, but I'm an iditot. I have never been able to use the video I take with my small camera becuz it's in some other code than my mini camera...that takes great video...but I don't carry it everywhere I go like I do my Kodak. But anyway...the water and flames was really cool that I wanted to share with my many hundreds....okay a dozen of readers.

But no! I have to do it the hard way...and it takes forlike-ever!!

And this is my second attempt to load this....There is a function to add video straight into the blog just like photos. Katy, it's up top by the spell checker thingy. So after 2 trys and a reboot It's loaded!
I have...had an account with YouTube....and It won't let me in now.
I don't exist.
SOoooo I'll just open an account....but my id..... the one I use for everything is taken...NO FUCKIN' SHIT!! BY ME!!! But I don't exist!!!
Go Figure!!!


video

anyway...

Branson Landing....

and this happens every hour on the hour!
Posted by Picasa


Oh hey...that's a video...but it didn't work as a video. I'll have to keep workin' on it!!!

Damn it!!

Okay, Bio-Dome is on and I have to have my quota for stupidity or I may die!!!


Thursday, April 17, 2008

My Magic Is Broke!!

Yesterday while workin' in the yard...I know.... I was shocked too!!
But I was!
I decided that I wanted some things moved to a different part of the yard.....the lawn furniture and umbrella stand that goes with it....from the pool area and a stone nearer to the back door. I tried but I couldn't move the umbrella stand...that's one heavy mother!
And there was no way I could move the glider thing! It is a two person job.
And there was a squarmy.... slithery.......icky...newt....salamander... thing on the stone....so there was no way I was gonna touch that again. Worms don't bother me but the ones with legs that move really fast ....no freakin' way will I get near it!!!
I wanted to move all of that stuff before Roy had a chance to shoot the idea down. I have learned that if I just do it when he's not there it goes so much smoother. Then I could just say, "Oh by the way I did that thing." There's yellin'.... but it's done.
But there was just no way I could move any of it. My big manly muscles have turned into boobs.
I told him what I tried to do.
"Honey, will you help me move the glider?"
"I put it on the front porch just for you."
"Not that one, the other one." I have a thing for lawn furniture...we have several pieces spread all over yard.
"And I can't move it." I continued, "I want it up by the redbuds by the back door."
"What's wrong? You couldn't get a 25 yr old man to do it for you?"

What?
Quite frankly, I never thought about that!
And why was he attackin' me??
"Honey, I think my magic aura to get a 25 yr old man is gone."

When I was younger, I had men that would go outta their way to open a door for me....talk to me...buy me pops....all for a smile. It got on Roy's nerves!!
He called it "the hope of gettin' in your pants".
That magic is gone!
Oh, men still open doors and talk to me....but their old!!
Older than Roy....like really old!!
They're not young and thin....muscled up....tanned....and smell of tractors.
They're portly and smell of BenGay...with teeth missin'!!

"The only way I would get a 25 yr old man is to pay for him!"

"I think that is against the law."

Dumbass!

"Not to move lawn furniture!!!"

Come to think of it.....HE.... still hasn't move any of that stuff!!

Excuse me while I go make a sign for the end of the driveway...Wanted...Young strappin' man to move my lawn furniture....I pay well!!

Roy will have the furniture moved.... in a heart beat....he knows I pay well!!!

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

The Garden Cat....

I don't say much about the Outdoor Cats. I don't see them very much. I have 4...their mother died over the winter. They were born while we were gone to Sturgis in '04....they're almost 4 years old....Under Roy's Harley Barn....and that is a story for another day!

The only one I saw today was Shy. She is shy. And sometimes she is called the Seal Cat becuz she walks along and flops down on the ground and raises her head up to look at you like a baby seal. She's always been a fat cat...a beautiful calico!
She "helped" me plant my Surprise Garden....I planted the seeds and she rolled around in the row and buried the seeds....or kicked them out. I would rub her belly. She would like it for about 4 seconds and then bite me. Thank goodness for gardenin' gloves!!!
I'm callin' it my Surprise Garden becuz I'll be surprised if anything comes up!! Roy has part of the garden boxed off that he doesn't use.....I put out sunflower seeds and some other seeds that I've had for years....We'll see what happens!!
The Outdoor Cats are not as wild about catnip as the Indoor Cats but I did notice today that Shy was eatin' some....and she stuck her tongue out at me!!! It grows all year long and when it's fresh and green in the spring the Indoor Cats are trippin' on it daily!! I planted some more today!
Like I said...she's shy!!! She "helped" me plant flowers until the rose bush hit her.....the wind is awful out there...20-25mhp or better!! I was hit by the rosebush and I don't blame her. She went and laid out under the red buds and in the violets....sounds like a great idea!!
I think I'll join her!

Aaahh....This is the life!!

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

3 Things That I Have Learned Recently...

1) That you should always put the coffee in the cup before you add the sugar and creamer....otherwise it's all creamer and very little coffee.
I'll be bouncin' off the walls from a sugar high...not the caffeine!!!

2) That cats and sewin' do not mix!! The pattern paper is just too crinkly! It sounds like so much fun. I had it spread out on the desk to cut out the pattern pieces and Scooter jumped smack dab in the middle of it....I was so lucky it didn't rip!!
So I draped it over a chair and Jax got in the chair under the pattern paper and was battin' at the scissors....they aren't sharp enough to cut him but....they would hurt him!!
I just want to pull my hair out!!!

3) I'm not pregnant....Like I ever thought I was.
Roy was havin' way to much fun with it!!
One day he asked me if I wanted to get an EPT. My brain was in LaLaLand and what he said wasn't makin' much sense.
SPT?? The car's maintenance is not my department so that wasn't what he said.
Maybe it was EPA??? But what the hell do I know about them???
"What?"
"EPT! EARLY PREGNANCY TEST???"
Dumbass!!!

Or the day he said something about "my condiction"...."delicate condiction"...I don't even know what it was we were doin'!! But he said, "You shouldn't be doin' this in your delicate condiction."
Dumbass!!!

Or outta the blue he said, "Which would you rather be pregnant or menopausal?"
I had to think about that long and hard....neither are appealin' to me!!
I picked Menopausal.
"Well you are gonna be a real booger bear when that happens!!"
Dumbass!!!

PS: I Never Said I Could Spell....despite havin' a spellchecker!!

Monday, April 14, 2008

Happy!! Happy!! Joy!!! Joy!!!!

I will walk a bit taller! I will hold my head a bit higher!

I will Strut a little more!!

Records have been exponged!!!

And I can thumb my nose at DaMan!!



But I think I'll still be Nadine!!

Take the Test...

It's to the right.
I'm a Cool Non-Nerd!!

And it shows....I couldn't get the thing in the actual blog.
And I've got nothing today.

Hugs!!

Friday, April 11, 2008

Just A Little Thought...

Emails:
RealWorldFriends send "Forwards".
Why is that??


BlogWorldFriends send me actual messages. Whether it be from Alicia tellin' me about her lastest news or a pat on the back from....well... everyone!! Somethings that's all a gal needs.

Encouragement.


RWFs send "Forwards" of jokes...normally the same one they send me in the first year of my entry of the World Wide Web. I hardly ever get pictures or invites to dinner or parties. One of my closer friends that I have known for-like-ever...since the 8th grade....started reply'n to me with two word answers.


"Yes Thanks."


"Can't Today."


"Too Much."


She's the reason I blog!! She told me I write great stories...that my life sounds like a sitcom! She encouraged me to write. Personally, I don't consider this rant writin' or all those cat tails or all the other crap that comes from my brain....becuz there are some people that have blogs that a T-riffic writers and should be published. They could make money!!


But her office dymanics have changed....But I didn't think so much that I should get 2 word answers!!


So I started writin' her back in the same 2 word manner....she caught on quick! She's only smarter than me becuz she actually finished more college than I did! She has 2 more years on me. She asked me what was wrong and on that particular day it was shoe shoppin' and idiot husbands.....and I haven't heard a word from her since!!!


Only Forwards!!


Is it time to rethink my RWFs???


Or do each one have a purpose? A secret additive to my life that only reveals itself when needed??





I'd like to think that.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

He Cried Freedom!!!

I was standing at the front door the other day, lookin' at the flag. It had wrapped around it itself. Roy has it put in the ground so that all I have to do is turn it until it unfurls itself and is proudly flyin' in the breeze.



A totally innocent act.



But oh no....this is me....and I have 6 cats!! 5 of them were at the door with me...Manny was shut in the bedroom...loungin' on the bed. That is code for puttin' cat hair all over my bedspread!



I stomped my foot and pushed back Scooter. He's the one main that always manages to get out...no matter what you do to keep him in the house. He gets out.

I have come home from work to find them all at the back door waitin' to greet me but one day Scooter was missin'! I didn't think too much of it and continued with my routine...which is go pee....and all the cats but Scooter was with me....Now I'm concerned! I started lookin' all over the house callin' him and he's NO WHERE IN THE HOUSE!!!

Roy was out mowing....like always.....he mows like it's nobody's business....I went straight out to him. He could tell I was agitated. I told him that Scooter was missin'!! He was to come to the house to help me search. He just knew he had not let Scooter out. When we got to the house there was Scooter laid out on the porch, like he had been to Hell and back and was about to die in the heat. All my wrath turned on Roy for lettin' him out!! He never saw that cat get out....Scooter is so quick!!



But today, I managed to get out without Scooter...gettin' back in, was when he bolted. I was cussin' like Foghorn Leghorn..."Damn cat, if he had half the sense that God gave him he'd be deadly".... as I went after him.

He likes to stop along the way to the catnip bed to eat grass so he can throw up on some piece of expensive electronic device....like my keyboard or the satellite receiver!!

But he always gives up pretty easy. No big fight to get free again. His mission is accomplished. He is loaded with something to barf. So he is calmly draped over my arm as we walked back to the house....I'm still cussin' at him when I noticed the front door was open!!!!

HOLY SHIT!!!!

And George was on the porch!! If that cat runs I'll never see him again!!!!!

George was so happy to be out. He was just chatterin' away little cat mews of happiness that he didn't hear a word I said!

George and I have had full conversations. He is very good at tellin' me exactly what he wants and listens to me. If I tell him to stop pickin' at the couch. He stops. If he wants water, he gets in the bathtub and chatters at me until I turn the water on....I swear to you that's what I heard! "Turn the water on Lady!!"

I stopped cussin' and started to talk baby talk that George responds to, "Georgy Porgy, get back in the house."
I was just about to him when he stood up on his hind legs throwin' his front paws towards the sky and cried, "FREEDOM!!!!"..... and ran to the opposite side of the porch!!

I swear to you thats what I heard!!

SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!

I put Scooter back in the house and double checked the door this time.

George was just sittin' there takin' in deep breathes of the cool fresh air of freedom. I started towards him while is so entranced by the sweet smells of spring. I had hoped he would stay still for me to catch him but no!
He jumped up again, did a cartwheel off the porch and cried out, "You screwed up and I'm outta here! FREEDOM!!!"

I swear to you that's what I heard!!

He landed in the grass and was so into that feelin'.....the awesome of the feel of grass.... that he just stood there stompin' his feet.

You see George wasn't always an indoor cat. He was an indoor/outdoor cat. He would go out during the day while I was at work. He would be waitin' for me on the walkway when I got home. He wanted back in. He had done all the things he needed to do while he was out and now it was time to go in the house. He would roll at my feet and bump my legs all the way to the backdoor, just chatterin' away little cat mews as I sang to him, "Georgy Porgy Puddin' Pie."
He is such a snot. He would not eat the outside cat food or have anything to do with any of the outside cats but more importantly.....or oddly, he would not use the outdoors for a litter box! There have been many times he had impatiently did the PeePeeDance at the back door as I fumbled with the keys. He would prance around and chatter at me, sayin' "COME ON, It's gettin' critical!" And the second the door was wide enough for him to get in, he was in the litterbox!!
But when he started bringin' in fleas, he either had to stay out all the time or be in all the time. I voted for in. I didn't want such an animated cat to left out to fin for himself.

And as Roy has no say in matters regardin' the cats, it was IN for George. So he hasn't had grass under his paws in 6 years. He was enjoyin' the grass!!! Which gave me time to get off the porch....and sneak up on him!!

I was just about to grab him when he took two great big leaps around the corner of the house...all I could do was watch my cat run off.....forever!!!

But he stopped dead in his tracks!!

I heard him say, "Holy Shit! Where did that come from? I didn't approve that!"

I swear that's what I heard!

And he jumped up on the flowerbed that Roy had built to put his mother's daylilies in....George was so engrossed in the inspection of the flowerbed that I grabbed him up in a bearhug!!

He squealed, "Damn!"

I swear to you that's what I heard!!



And I carried him back to the house...in that bearhug....so he would not get free....and took a head count to make sure all the others were in the house!

All were accounted for... one more crisis over!!



Roy can unfurl flag from now on!!!


I may have imbellished some of the this blog....Roy does have some say in the regards to the cats....what room they sleep in and that's it!!!

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

This is Sew Bad...

All I can say about yesterday's entry was....I woke up to that dream and had to share. But you should have know it was a dream....I don't mow!!!!



Saturday, Roy went to the big gun show in Tulsa over the weekend...I did not. I went the opposite way to Joplin to shop. I had a list of thing to get and to do.

Go to Payless and check out the lime green wedges I saw online...if I'm gonna go green....lime green.... I have to hold them in my hand.....and try them on my feet.

Go to Hastings Records...Roy hates that store. I don't know why. He looks over the girly mags while I look for music and books.

Look for a swimsuit cover-up.

Look at sewing machines....yes, I have a domestic side.

Mine crapped out. It's over 40 years old.....it's been in my life forever. I don't how long my mother had it before I came along. But rather than try to fix it Roy just wanted to replace it. Which I am really balkin' at.....it's in a cherry cabinet and it's like a family heirloom...and I'm a hoarder.

Roy said, "You need to let it go. It's old and broken."

"I keep you." He was not amused.



So we started the search for sewing machines. I did a little research online. I asked MizAngie what type she used....a Singer. Good machine.

I'm a hands on person and I need to actually see the machines. Roy and I went to Sears. He promptly sat right down and went to sewin'....like he knew what he was doin'!!

If he can work it I will have no problem!

What I had a problem with is the cost!!

Over $300!!

I wanted to shop around and look at more.

While he went to Tulsa, I went to Joplin....alone.....becuz all my friends' hubby are scared to death we might have fun.

There is a store solely dedicated to sewing machines. That's where I went and that's where my search for sewing machines stopped.



I walked in that door and looked all the machines...they were everywhere....all setup and ready to sew just like in HomeEc!! It was awesome!!

And I took a gander at one of the price tags...I nearly died right there!!!

I didn't know whether to shit or cry!!

Some of those machines were over $2000.00!!!!!

I must have stood there too long in shock becuz a very sweet little lady approached me and said "How may I help you?"

"I need a sewing machine."

"What kind of sewing do you do?"

Why do they all ask that?

I hated to tell her that I just needed one to do hems or repair my husband's jeans....becuz these machines that I was lookin' at...these $2000.00 magical machines.....do more than repair the armpit of my gramps' wool sweater!!!!

Which by the way, is a sweater he wore in the late 60's and sometime in the 80's he out grew it....he went from being CharletonHeston to WilfordBrimley. I took the sweater from his closet to keep and wear....until the armpit blew out.

He was annoyed that I had his sweater. Granny said, "Well Fred, You can't wear it!"



Oh, I know how to sew.

I have been sewing for like ever. It's in my DNA!!

On my mother's side, those women could sew!! And they used the old treadle ones....which is what I took first stitches on....it's not easy!! My great grandmother...GrannyDora, was using her treadle machine up until she died....in the 70's. She was close to 90 years old!!! She was tough. She taught my momma, and if her stitches weren't right....she ripped them out and made her start over!! She was a prairie woman....she lived in Oklahoma before it was a state...She took her sewing very serious and very personal!!


Anyway, the Sewing Clerk asked what I needed one for, I motioned around the room, "Not like this."

She lead me to some lesser, tricked out machines. And said some words about them that I didn't hear becuz I was still hung up on the prices....the lesser ones....the cheapest one was $400!!!

I politely said "thank you" and left. I felt like I had been kicked in the gut! I was so outta my element.

I didn't make it to Hastings.

I didn't see the lime green wedges.

And I didn't make it home with a swimsuit cover-up.....I did, however, buy two more swimsuits, a pair of shoes... and shorts.... and capris... and some blouses......so the day wasn't a total waste.



When Roy got home I told him all about my experience at the sewing store.

"Why would you feel like crying? Why are you so cheap? Why can't you just buy something?"

"I feel that it's very selfish to purchase something so expensive that we both don't benefit from."



I'm tellin' this to man that has 3 motorcycles and several guns.



Sunday morning, I asked what his plans for the day was.

He replied, "I'm making love to my wife. Then takin' her to town to eat dinner. Then takin' her down to Sears to buy her a sewing machine."

So I am the proud owner of New Kenmore Sewing Machine....and the first thing I fixed, was my grandpa's sweater.

Monday, April 07, 2008

New Age Asshole!!

So I talked my granny and my AuntVioletJean into going to one of the New Age Asian-type restaurants that "feed the mind, body, and the soul"....that's what the menu said!
Plus as an added bonus you get a psychic reading!! I have always wanted to do that!!
And there was some sorta "rebirth into peace and tranquility"...they spritzed HolyWater on you..."imported from the mountains of Tibet"....that's what the menu said!!
The food was small but some how very filling.
In turn, the waiter.....aaahhhh guru dude....monk....that's the word I'm lookin' for.....took each one us back behind the curtain to meet" The Wizard". It looks like fun!!
It was my turn, and I can't hardly wait!!! To find out my future or maybe something that could help me lead my life in a better way.....I could just pee from the excitement!!
The Wizard looked at me and made some sorta hand motion around me as if he was shooin' flys and chanted a "prayer" in a language I didn't know. He then turned from me and stood on my left side and reached over placin' his hand, palm down in my chest...not my boobs but on the full nekked place just above them....a place evidently you can touch and not get the cops called!!
But the instant he placed his hand on me flinched and turned back to face me....with look of shock on his face!!
OH Lord what now!?!?
"You ARE trouble!", In very plain English.
That I know.
But I didn't say a thing.....I think my face pretty well summed it up....with "DUUUUH!!"
"You have mowed the lawn with your left hand down your pants!"
"And your point would beeeeee...."

He visible shook himself!! I have wicked MoJo if I can unnerve The Wizard!
And he said another prayer...in a language I didn't know.... but he went to shooin' his own flys!!
And got back into position...took a couple deep breathes and placed his hand back on my chest.
He flinched again, but he kept his transcendental composure.

For a very long time.

I had watched Granny and VioletJean thru the sheer curtain with the Wizard....they didn't take this long.
Am I that bad??
Or that complicated?
Or was he enjoyin' my vibe? Groovin' on my inner magic....Just touch me and I will rock your world.

When this idiot steps behind the curtain and shook The Wizard and said, "Is this gonna take much longer? I have a meetin' after lunch."

Dude, you're fuckin' with my time with The Wizard!
And The Wizard was not happy!!
"Now how am I supposed to do my job with this sorta disruption! I will never find her inner Goddess again!" And stormed outta the room.

Well, I turned on that bastard!!
"Thanks so-fuckin' much for being such a rude asshole. I will never know anything, now. The only thing I found out was something I already knew!!! And NOW I HAVE TO PEE!!!"





Then I woke up!!!

Friday, April 04, 2008

Life's Little Bumps in The Road...

"Honey, I think I'm pregnant."

I have always wanted to say that to him.
You know when you are all caught up in the love of being together and plannin' your future with the one....children are gonna happen. To raise one our own would have been a real trip...but with all that happened with his daughter....his heart was broken.... and the turmoil of my daughters, we just gave up on the idea.
But we practiced makin' one anyway...a lot!!

So the other day when I said told him what I thought about being pregnant, he just smirked and rolled his eyes!
What???
I should rename my blog to " And He Rolled His Eyes!"
He does it so much.

And another thing, would you roll your eyes and smirk if you knew that there was no way you could possible be the father of your wife's baby if you had a vasectomy in 1983????
Smirkin' would be the last thing you did.....well, you might smirk after you bludgeoned her death with the toothbrush you were holdin'!

"What makes you think that?"
"I'm late."
And he rolls his eyes again.....it's really a pain in the ass...all that eye rollin'!

"Well, you could be menopausal."

Now isn't he just "Little Mary Sunshine"!?!

"Now how could I be menopausal??? I'm only 35!!"

He just smirked that time!

Thursday, April 03, 2008

What Spring Rains Bring....



Ooooh the beauty of Spring.

Roy and I spent Monday cooped up in the house becuz of thunderstorms and the threat of tornadoes.

No Tornadoes but lots of rain!

I was standin' at the front door watchin' the rain and listenin' to the news tellin' me that there was a tornado on the ground 10 miles away....News that didn't come from Tulsa....And that bothers me!!
Out here in the boonies, we apparently don't count.
After the storms pass the great metropolis of Tulsa, the great mecca of Doppler radars and Viper...and I don't know what that is.....but it sounds really cool....the weather people don't care! We, out here in the boonies are on our own....or that stupid news station from Joplin....I'd rather fin for myself. They are not very professional and do not have all the neato gadgets that the Tulsa stations have.
I was watchin' the sky for rotation and funnel clouds....the flag in the yard changed directions 3 times!! A funnel cloud could form at any minute. I said to Roy that I thought it was odd that we didn't have any hail. We always get some....one year we got hail stones the size of softballs!! And no sooner than I spit the words outta my mouth, it started to hail. I wasn't about to complain about not gettin' a tornado!
The moment we heard that there was storm damage in our little town we jumped in the truck to go it!! We didn't find it. One would think that a storm damage that made the news from the big town of Tulsa, we would be able to find it in a small town of 600 people!!
But no! The rain kept fallin'.
Red Bud trees are all purple...the ones in my yard are. Roy planted all the red buds. And lots of rain brings out the color in all the bushes around the yard. This bush was already on the property when we bought it and I'm not sure what it is...Quince maybe??

The rest we planted. So our yard has pinks, reds, purples, and yellows all over.
You just gotta love Spring!
So anyway we had lots of rain. The ditches were full of water. Our road is covered by water that doesn't drain correctly thru a culvert. When the sun finally came out I suggested we walk down to see what was causin' the problem. Nobody else was gonna do it!
There was a small herd of cows in the corner of a pasture, under the trees and standin'...hock deep in water that was not drainin'.....Okie Cows are so stupid!
They are so not like their California Cousins. Have you seen the commercials about the Happy Cows???
Okie Cows..... One crack of lightenin' and the whole bunch would have died!! You know that those friggin' cows had stood there all day in the water under the trees!!!
We cleared out the clog and it flowed freely....with no thanks from the cows!
Roy suggested we walk on...to the local diner....or to the casino.
Sure...why not?
There is a housing development just down the road...they have put in roads and made concrete curbs for future roads thru the development. There tons of water washin' out the whole project! Water was standin' in a huge pool that was drainin' slowing down the low spot out to the road and down the ditches....it was a muddy mess!
Roy said we should think about where we should cross so we didn't get muddy. We could walk down the curb. He has long legs and pretty much cross anywhere with a quick graceful leap. I, on the other hand, have to find the perfect....small....place to cross.
Santa never brought me my Long Legs....but I can leap with the grace and ease of a gazelle!
I backtracked to find the perfect spot for me....stuck out my right foot with the ease a prima ballerina...lept off my left foot.

Perfectly landin' my right foot on the curb.
Slidin' in the mud!
Causin' me to lose my balance.
To minimize the damage I stuck my left foot in the stream of water.
The right foot slid even further.
I fell backwards into the mud!!
I was sitting there like a crab....in the mud....laughin'....like I had sense!

Roy was standin' perfectly on the curb....clean.....grinnin'....like, "Oh Lord! Nadine, I can't take you anywhere!"
It was so gross....I wanted to walk like a baby with a diaper full of crap!!! We were only 2/10th of a mile from the house....walkin' was the only way home!


I just laughed....what else can you do?

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Ex-Beaus and Confidence....

Where to begin?
I've had 3 days to think about this....and I still don't know!
So here we go....
Roy drug me kickin' and screamin' to a gun show to start with...I hate goin' to them!
I stand there and feign interest while he oooo's and ah's over shotguns and pistols. When we go purse and shoe shoppin' I don't even get that...he finds a bench and waits outside the store for me. There are no benches at a gun show!! So I stand there and smile and nod my head like I give a shit!
Then outta the corner of my eye I saw him!
The One!
I have day dreamed about this moment for 15 years! I would be all cool if he was with someone...his wife....or if I was with Roy.....which I am 90% of the time....so I would be cool and smile.
Maybe wink at him.
If we were alone....it would be all "Hey, Sugar How have you been?" We would chat like 15 years hadn't past. We had that sorta relationship. Not so much sexual but supportive...we fit.
But not.
I have come face to face with Ex-Beaus and their wives in the past. It's no big deal for me. The "boys" now men are either fat or look older than dirt becuz of way too much drugs and booze ...or the wife is fat or butt ugly so I don't care....I have that beat. Hands Down!!

Since 1991, when I rejoined the workforce, I opened up my personality to let the real me out. And I had fun with it.
Maybe a bit too much fun....but I got Roy out of it!
But since Roy entered my life I have carried myself with a great deal of confidence. I walk like I'm 6 feet tall, with my head held high, shoulders back, chest out.....I strut!

I AM A TROPHY WIFE!!

Until Saturday.

I saw him outta the corner of my eye.
I stood there dumbstruck.
And then the Insane Person that lives inside of me turned.....wantin' to run screamin' from the room.
The Sane Person that lives inside of me said,"Do Not Cause A Scene! It might not be him. It could be his brother."
The Insane One looked again. "Nope, THAT'S his ass!!!"
And then he spoke!

Not to me....I just heard his voice.

"OH GOD!!!!! PLEASE...MAKE ME INVISIBLE!!"

You know when you get bad news, how you feel faint?
Or your stomach turns?
Or both???
When I get that way....I feel the need to sit down. It's either that or fall down.

That is sorta what I felt. But it was more like EVERY OUNCE OF CONFIDENCE DRAININ' FROM MY BODY!!!!!!!!

The Sane One said, "Steady. DO NOT FALL DOWN! Now pull up your jacket collar and pull your hair forward to cover as much of your face as possible."
And I moved to the other side of Roy.

We moved slowly thru the aisles and when I was on the other side of the room I looked up to see if I could see THE ONE....he was gone!

I have never been so outta sorts in all my life!
Not like that!
Maybe it was more of that hormonal crap but I was not ready for that at all!!
I feel my age.....he is 3 years older than me.
I have extra pounds that I didn't have 15 years ago...... But he still looked great.

Time for a lifestyle change....I want to be prepared.
I don't ever want to feel like that again.