Thursday, March 27, 2008

Convictions...

And I'm not talkin' about my permanent record.......Nope! We're not talkin' about that!



But our moral convictions....The way we see things and why we make a stand for those things.


I have banned myself from the local tag office becuz of my convictions....Those Fuckin' Bitches....and Roy was so embarrassed by what happened that he didn't go back for a long time. That and the fact that I TOLD him to NEVER GO BACK!!

And I don't want to talk about that incident....though I would like to say...It wasn't my fault!


I have refused to use a certain convenience store becuz of my convictions. I don't care if they have cheapest gas in the county. I don't care if the owner came to my office for pet care.

I will not grace his business with my presence.

He and his cronies help spread rumors about me and Roy.

Am I not justified???


My stance on AT&T....has not dwindled either....I just can't remember why I won't use them! But I know it was a damn good reason!

I wanted to switch my cell phone carrier to Cingular...becuz I wanted my minutes to rollover.... but AT&T took over!!!


I am so avid in my beliefs, Roy started tellin' me to not get upset over certain things or businesses becuz he would like to still use them or go to them.


"Sometimes there is just bad service and that doesn't mean there needs to be a life-time ban on the Red Lobster!"


Yeah....Whatever!

He really hated to drive to the other county to get his car tags and all business related to the tag office.....he started going to the local one....despite my protest....despite how pleasant the other office was!!

"WE have "punished" them long enough." he said rollin' his eyes!

He wasn't there...those fuckin' bitches..... and it wasn't my fault!!



But the one thing I will not backdown on is...TIDE!

I refuse to use TIDE!

His former wife used TIDE!

Plus, that shit's expensive!!


I am a firm believer that certain smells can evoke memories.....good or bad....that smell of Tide makes me think of how he smelled when she washed his clothes. The last thing I want is for it to trigger any pleasant memory from THEIR past together!!

He has no idea about why I don't really use TIDE...he thinks I'm just pinchin' pennies!

He teases me by tryin' to hide it in the shoppin' cart....or places it the middle of the aisle so I have to move it to get down the aisle.

You would think after 14 years together, a person would forget smells....and tastes.


Yes...taste.... think about the taste of that first kiss from your lover......it was awesome!!

But's a whole other blog!!


What is your oddball conviction?

I'm Ready To Ship Him Out!!

"Honey, what are the chances of me gettin' a boob massage without gettin' laid?"



They were so sore....My boobs felt like they were the size of basketballs and weighed 50 pounds a piece!! I would have loooooved for him to massage them...it felt good for me to do it!



"Very slim...Unless you have someone else in mind to come do it. And if you don't stop that, you're gonna get screwed anyway!"



There are times when he is just worthless!!!

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

3 Moments of "What The Hell?!"....

In one trip town!


Yep, just one trip to town....only gone for 45 minutes!



1) I went to town to get the new book for the ChickenLitBookClub...which is too funny all by itself....becuz I'm an idiot...and blonde!!!


What the Hell?!


I came home with the wrong book!! AirHead!!!!




2) I started the car........What the Hell?! Something was amiss!! I got out and looked around and couldn't put my finger on what it was! I don't need air in the tires.


I can hear the odd knock...Roy can't so there is no real problem. If he can't hear it, we'll wait until it becomes something that he can hear and pay $300 for whatever part that just needs oiled or tightened..... NOW!!


Not my logic but what do I know....I can't figure out what's wrong with it at this moment in time!!


And then like a ton of bricks.....it hits me!!!

The radio isn't on!!

What a dumbass!!! No air needed for the tires....plenty in my head!!!





3) Since being in my retirement years I have noticed that life needs to be savored. I drive much slower and give a wide berth to those other people on the road....a more mature Nadine.


So on the way home, I was mindin' my on business when I caught up to 3 other cars....I was the caboose on the train!


What the Hell!? 45mph...good grief I'm not dead!


But I wait....I am more mature now. Isn't it odd how the car in the tailend of the train of cars is drivin' the slowest....a part of physics I just don't have a grasp on!


The lead car had to be old people....you know how I feel about old people....deep breath...be mature.


Second car...state vehicle....convict van....And I guess he didn't want to pass with that load of convicts....those bastards might squeal on the driver....whatever.


We all could have been on our merry way....but noooooo.....deep breathe....be mature....another one....you can do it!


Third car....a mustang...... And we all know I have no respect for those either.


But he would have had to pass both to move on down the road at the speed limit.....and he would have had to be clippin'it at about 90 to get all the way around....just a guess.


I don't actually know....I've never driven a Mustang.


I gave him plenty of room if he wanted to try it....which reminds me of another moment of maturity on my part but I'll leave that for another day.....they're rare...I won't forget it.


So today I sat back and enjoyed my deep breathin' and rockin' out to the Eagles.


And then me....and I can't legally pass all 3 and do it in the legal passing zone.....and not hit 110!!


It came time to stop and make decisions on which way to go....left to home or right to town....the old people picked to go my way.....the convict van picked to go my way.....the Mustang....went right....ONE LESS CAR FOR ME TO DEAL WITH!!!





I gave those two cars plenty of time to do their thing.....and I'll be a sumbitch it that van didn't ride upon the old peoples' ass and then brake.....with all kinds of room to pass!!! The old people were only doin' 40!! Pass them!!





That was all I could stand!





What the Hell?!

Fuck Maturity!!!




And Pfffft I was gone!!







Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Sex, Lies, and Text Messages....

She lied!!
She flat out lied about the trip to Bosnia....Just say the words!!
"I lied to sound more important."
But NOOOOooo....she misspoke!
In a Court of Law it's perjury...when you lie. "I Swear to tell the truth. The whole truth and nothing but the truth. So Help Me God!"
Ask Martha!!
But Hillary misspoke. She embellished to make her trip sound more exciting!

I would feel bad if I did that....in front of a crowd!!

Here....not so much!!


And what is the deal with the Governors of New York???
One steps down becuz he had an affair with a pro....the new one had affairs and smoked pot....was it pot???
Or other drugs???
No matter...he has press conferences to announce those facts so some reporter doesn't dig it up later.
Or some whistle-blower finds erotic text messages....now the Mayor of Detroit is up for perjury!
Maybe the Governor of New York is on to something.....complete disclosure of his life so we are not shocked to find out that these people in high positions are actually human.

And for the record...I haven't embellished any story on my blog......that I can recall in the last week....or so.

Hey!! I'm not runnin' for office or anything!

Monday, March 24, 2008

For Hire...

Are you being ignored and deprived?
Does he lay about takin' you for granted?

Hire Your New Best Friend!!

ME!!
I will be your best friend and scare the Hell outta your husband!!
For all the right reasons!!

With me...rowdy bitch that I am.....as your new best friend your husband will do EVERYthing possible to keep us apart. He will take you on trips, out to eat, dancin' and givin' you his undivided attention!
You get new clothes and time spent alone with your husband!!
Isn't that great!!

All becuz I suggest we celebrate your birthday!!

Or that we go shoe shoppin'!!

Yes...that's right....it's just that easy!

And as an added bonus....my beloved husband will help also!!
What a bargain!!
Isn't that great!!

Don't wait around...My services are in great demand.....As there are loads of women married to idiots!!!



I asked Roy if I was scary.....for my friend's husband to be so afraid of me.
"Yes, you are! You will show her she doesn't have to be under his thumb."

All I wanted to do was go shoppin' for shoes with her.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Get Out the Tissues....

She's gone all hormonal!!



The last 3 times I have cried over nothing.....




1) Nickelback...Far Away. Beautiful song!!!

I used it for a picture/video I made for Roy's Valentine gift...he cried!!

I used it for a gift for his kids....a picture/video of some pictures they have never seen from Roy's past...Marine Corps stuff....and I used that song as background music.....they cried!!

But what set me off was listening to it in the car on the way to see the Grandbaby and remembering that song is the ringtone for my Granny on my sister phone....and I cried!!





2) Tim Gunn's Guide to Style.....Oh Yes!! I cried over that show!!

A young woman that thought she was frumpy was guided by Mr. Gunn into a whole new world of unfrumpiness. It was awesome to watch her face light up with just the right dress!! I was overwhelmed.

And to start with she was not frumpy at all. One of the cutest gals!!





3) The History of St. Patrick....on the History Channel!!!



Okay this one came from left field. I was reading the book from The ChickenLitBookClub, mindin' my own business when that program came on....I can't read and watch TV and I was pulled right into the History of St. Patrick...and bawlin'!

I can only sum it up as seein' the Irish and their Pride of all things Irish was just overwhelmin'!!
It only equals my pride of being an Okie...Oh God!!
Here we go again!!

Welcome to Hormone Hell!!

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Hell Has Froze Over!!

Enough with the rain....We had 5 1/4 inches of rain at our house!!

And I took a road trip!!
Across the state!!
Roy kept sayin' "This is one of the stupidest things you've ever done!"
We went 'round and 'round....I'm sure there are more stupid things than drivin' all day in the rain in a car that hydroplanes when the roads are damp!! Roads were washin' out and roads were closed and cars in the ditch from hyroplanin' in the rain.
But at the moment I can't think of one single thing more stupid than takin' to the road...hundreds are floodin' my brain and I can't pick just one!!

But I got up yesterday with every intention of spendin' the day with my sister RubyJune and her kids. We were goin' South to see the new grandbaby.

I was gonna dress up nice...I was goin' with RubyJune and I knew I had to look spiffy! She's so girly...I'm not.
Her 8th grade Graduation shoes had to be THE EXACT COLOR AS HER DRESS. I was happy mine was in the ball field of the same color!! Blue's blue and peach is peach. I didn't know that there was so many different shades of pink!!
And you try to find emerald green shoes for a emerald green Prom Dress!!!
And jewerly!!
And her make up is just perfect along with her hair.
Her hair is a big thing. She started bleachin' it when she was 12! I have always teased her about wantin' what I had naturally....being blonde!
For her senior prom I had her hair all teased up and enough Aqua Net to hold it up to all the activities that happen...becuz we all know...nothin' comes off faster than a Prom Dress!!

But today....it was rainin'!!
Toad are stranglin'!!!
It didn't matter what I did to my hair it was gonna fall. So I just washed and moussed it and said good enough....I pulled on my Levi's, my Chuck's, and an OU hoodie.
Yep, Good Enough!
And I did do up my makeup....I have to at least look like I own 35! I would actually be with a 35 year old and I must hold my own!
With Roy a bitchin' all the way out the door I headed out....it was awful!! The drive down the turnpike!!!

Don't tell Roy!!!
The last thing I want to do is give him the satisfaction of being right!!
So I get to RubyJune's and she's in the driveway.

There she stands in her heels, cute jeans, a black shirt and her leather jacket.....with a wet head!!

OH! MY! GOD!
Get the Devil a Hot Cocoa.....Hell, has froze over!!

I musta had that "RubyJune Harleson! What ARE you thinkin'?" look on my face becuz the first words outta her mouth was, "It's rainin'! And I don't care!"
At least she had her make up on!

We loaded up the kids in her truck and headed out.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Am I Shallow???

Roy was flippin' thru the channels tryin' to find something to watch and he says, "Tell me again, Why do we NOT watch "Cold Case"?

DUH!!! And I rolled my eyes.....why is it such a hard concept to grasp??

"Honey, We do not watch "Cold Case" becuz I hate.... with a passion....... her hair!"

Am I right??
Is that not the most hideous hair style???
It's obivious to me that she is a professional woman that makes money and she can't afford a great hair cut and style????

"No Sir. We are not watchin' "Cold Case"!"

Friday, March 14, 2008

It's A Rough Life!!



Some days...it looks like some one has leaked in a knockout gas....as there are cats laid out everywhere!!!




A modern Granny!!
Have a great weekend.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

The Man With the Plan!!

Roy is a safety and security man. He has a plan!
Several in fact!
When he came into my life, he said to lock things up...the house...the car.....which brings on a whole new set of problems for me....and that's a whole 'nother blog!!

And Roy brought guns. I was never very fond of them.
Daddy said, "Let's go huntin'. Here. This is a gun. Don't point it at me."

That's all the instruction I had and I didn't have fun huntin'....at all....I only went once.

But Roy knows what he's doin' with guns....not that Daddy didn't, he was just wantin' to go huntin'.
And Roy knows what he's workin' with in me....not that Daddy didn't, he just didn't have all the answers....and would tell me anything....."Daddy, Why is it a 22?"
"Becuz it holds 22 bullets."
It sounded plausible....and it did hold 22 shells.
When I told Roy that little tidbit of info....he just grinned and patted me on the head, "No, It's more complicated than that. Now shut the fuck up and listen."
So with Roy as my teacher, there were many lessons with different guns....handguns...revolvers and autos....rifles and shotguns.
The fear of guns came from the fact that I was basically ignorant about them. I still have a healthy respect for them but at least I'm not ignorant about them any more....sorta.

Plan A:
After we were broken into and Roy's favorite shotgun was stolen he decided to keep an old cheap gun out for home defense.
Yes, our home was broken into....we were only gone about 30 minutes!! It had to be a kid, becuz of the things he took. My daughter's make up bag and her curling iron??!!
A couple of BBguns and Roy's favorite shotgun!!
He went out as fast as he came in!!
Becuz he dropped a pair of Levi's on the kitchen floor!!
Roy always left the scanner on and it would chatter intermittently....that probably scared him. And we had this bigass cat....it came with the Roy's Divorce....he slept upstairs and he would have heard someone in the house and maybe thought it was us....he would have jumped off of my side of the bed....where he left all his hair.....we were not on a first name basis yet....he was just "That Damn Cat"!!
Anyway, he would have made a lot of noise.....he was not a stealthy cat. And thinkin' back, he was the noisiest cat I ever had!!
That would have scared an intruder!!
And that was a good thing!!
Roy had several guns laid out on a bed upstairs....that would have crushed him if the intruder had taken those!!

So Back to Plan A:
An old 12 gauge shotgun....it had been in Roy's family for years and if it were stolen, he wouldn't miss it.
One day I was home alone and I heard a car in the driveway. I tippy toed to the bathroom and peeked out.....a long haired beard dude got outta his car!!!!!
Don't freak out!!!!!!
Deep breath!!!!!!!!
Keep your Shit Together!!!!
I tippy toed over to get the shotgun and sat back down on the couch. I'm ready to RockNRoll!!
He banged on the back door!!
But I just sat there.
I don't open the door anymore......and that's all I'm gonna say about that!!
After awhile he stopped....he walked back to his car....he looked around.....I was peekin' out the bathroom window watchin' so I know what he did.....he got back in his car and left.
When I told Roy what had happened, he decided I needed a refresher course on the 12 gauge.
"This is a single shot shotgun....blah..blah....blah..."
All I heard was SINGLE SHOT!!!!
Single shot was replayin' over and over in my brain like a broken record!! So much so that I said it out loud!!
"Single Shot??!!?"..... several times.....and Roy finally caught on!
"Yes it's a single shot 12 gauge."
I Freaked Smooth Out!!!
"You mean to tell me that I have only 1 shot at protectin' myself???!!!! After that ONE SHOT, it's a longass club!!!!!!!??? I might as well have a baseball bat!!"
"Calm down, Baby! It's easy to reload."
And he procceeded to show me just how simple it was....FOR HIM!!!!!

Plan B:
An automatic handgun....Springfield Armory 45....I can't remember the model number....with a safety on it....but it was an old gun that shoots to the left....that had at least 7 shots in it!
It was more shots and easy to use....just aim for the middle of the target and hope it hit somewhere in the ribaaahh....in the target!
But he never liked it. He replaced it with a Glock45...I think....I've had one lesson on it.... it's so new.
So the other day, I was layin' in bed, tryin' to make myself get up when I heard a loud truck on the road passin' by the house.....then voices.
My mind was instantly alert!
And my brain was workin' it all out!!
That Truck musta dropped off at least two men and If I can hear them they're in the freakin' yard.
If Their in MY Yard....they climbed over the RockWall....or over the Fence....THEY MEAN TO DO HARM!!!!!
HOLY FUCK AND.... SHIT!!!
But I just laid there..... waitin' for the second alarm to go off....Trixie!
She was barkin'!
Shit!!!!
But I just laid there.....waitin' for the third alarm to go off....the CATS!!

None of them were the least bit freaked....hhhmmmm......

Okay....let's rethink this..... maybe it was the wind.....the casino plays music and if the wind is right I can hear it.....clearly....it's a half mile away.

When I told Roy about what happened, he went over Plan B again.
"Get the Glock. Handle it carefully. There's no safety. Get your phone. Sit on the couch where you can see both doors. Type in 911. And wait. They have to be in the house. When they kick in the door, hit send on the phone and aim the gun at the middle and fire two shots. Hold on tight, it's a Hoss. That will scare them. They will leave. If they don't, you still have more rounds to fire."
Got it!
He went on, "And above all, MAKE SURE IT'S NOT ME!"
Valid point!

But I have to mess with him....it's my job!

"Honey, do you have another clip for it."
"No. But even if I did, you couldn't get it reloaded. And even if you got it reloaded, you won't need it."
There was a long pause. He could see that I was really thinkin' about this......
"Honey, do you have a 30 round clip for the Mini?" I know he does. Twoof them!
"Yes. Why?" with a slight grin.
"Well it just seems to me the easiest to use and it's has lots of bullets....I mean rounds to fire, that it would be the best for me."
He rolled his eyes, "No, DirtyHarry, you don't need that much firepower! The pistol will do the job."

So I ask you....dearly beloved readers....would you shoot at an intruder?

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Things That Go Bump In the Night!!!

I'm easily spooked...... Very easily spooked!
As a child Scooby-Doo Cartoons scared me. I would hide behind Gramp's chair and watch until Scooby said "Ruh-Ro Raggy" and then hid....so I never saw the BoogieMan!
The Ghost and MrChicken...scared me Shitless!!!!
Then Granny received baby chicks in the mail....a couple were dead!!
Now who would send dead chicks in the mail to MY GRANNY!!!
A Mad Man!!!
Daddy explained that Granny had order the chicks and some just died in shippin'....that sometimes things died.
I was 3.
But it made sense.
So Daddy knew that I was very sensitive to that sorta thing....he never allowed any of us kids to watch violence on TV. To this day I have never watched Helter Skelter.....outta respect for his wishes and becuz that was real shit!!
And that really scares the shit outta me!!
When I was 9 or so, there was huge manhunt in the state for the man that had raped and killed 3 little girls at camp.....I had friends that went to camp and I was very upset about it!
Interesting but trivial info.....That manhunt was Roy's first one!! I sometimes forget how much of life he lived before he strutted into my life.
So I have never watched slasher movies. I see that it can happen....And that is so scary for me.

I am so easily spooked....Once Daddy wanted to go into town to play cards and drink beer with his cousins. I did not.
"Daddy, I'm 16!! I don't want to sit around watchin' The Desert Fox, listenin' to you guys all night long. I can stay home alone and watch what I want to on my own TV!"
He went to town with everyone but me! I turned off all the lights but one and the TV on....I was thumbin' thru the Spiegel catalog when I noticed a car drivin' by.....and then I saw the brake lights come on.....that was all it took!! I turned on the porch light!!
I ran to the pickup and headed to town in a heartbeat!! No car needed to be stoppin' in front of my house!!
Daddy said, "Change your mind?"
Yep and I watched The Desert Fox for the umptenth time.....my cousin had a thing for The Desert Fox...every time we went to his house....it was always on.
This was back before Letterman and DVDs....They used to show old movies.

When I was married to my first husband....Earl Lee....when he worked, he was a truck driver. I was left alone for a week at a time...just me and the girls. He wanted me to have a gun.....so he brought one home.....I was not thrilled. I told him, "Think about this long and hard.....Think about some of our Knock Down Dragouts.... Do you want me to use that on you?"
He promptly got rid of it!!
So I had a couple of dogs. The first dog was just a little terrier mix that loved EudoraMae...my youngest!! Those two played in his doghouse....she would pull him out...get in and lay down with her Dumbo houseshoes stickin' out.....Sniffles would go in and lay with her. She would wander around the yard with him on her heels....she would wander too close to the road...he would looked back at me as if to say, "Are watchin' this??? Come and get her!!"
He loved her with a passion!!
He hated Earl Lee with just as much passion!! Sniffles was sittin' in a chair with me when Earl Lee walked past and Sniffles growled. That just made Earl Lee mad...so he started teasin' the dog!
So there I was with this mad dog on my lap and Earl Lee makin' him madder and madder.....the hair was standin' up on of the dog's neck. And Earl Lee just laughed.... He was gonna get me bit!!
I held myself back as far as I could...watchin' this dog very intently when EudoraMae came up and grabbed that mad dog!!!
Sniffles turned to her face and started lickin' it!! But Sniffles kept a watchful eye on Earl Lee!!
He was a good watch dog. He was hit by a car.....and it wasn't Earl Lee!
And there was Big JakeMcLintock....He hated Earl Lee too!!
Big Jake slept on the bed with me. I had to put him on it....he was a basset hound....I had a really high iron bed. He could get down but he couldn't get on it.
Earl Lee came home with nookie on the brain and tried to get in bed with me....Big JakeMcLintock said "Hell No!!"
"You're gonna hafta git that dawg offa your bed!"
So I pushed Big Jake off the bed. Big Jake was pissed off....he paced the floor barkin' with that deep ol' basset hound bark....I had to put him outside for the night......I miss Big JakeMcLintock!!
Earl Lee decided there and then he wasn't gettin' me a Rottweiller!!

After Earl Lee was kicked out for good, I had a different basset hound....Stetson. Now Stetson was not so protective as Big Jake. He had issues. He thought he was Schnauzer. He was about 55 pounds of pure dog that bounced from couch to couch throwin' pillows all over, chasin' after the real schnauzer that I had....she was only 11 pounds and her boucin' from couch to couch never moved a pillow!!
One night I came home to an empty house...I worked a late shift and the girls were at my brother's house....so I came home to an empty UNLOCKED house. I lived in a small town where a vast majority of the people in that town was related to me, so I didn't lock my house. I didn't have anything worth stealin'!
I crawled into bed....a huge water bed...so warm and comfy....just the right amount of water to sink into...I miss that bed!
I heard footsteps!!!
Slow draggin' footsteps.....someone was in the house with me!!! There was an intruder!!!!
I thought he musta been in there all day waitin' for me....I was so scared!! I had covered up my head as much as could and tried to breathe very slowly....very quietly...as he were standin' next to the bed!!! And then he turned and walked into the bathroom....and I knew instantly who and what it was....it was Stetson!!
Stetson didn't like men either....when he died he was 72 pounds!! That's a bigass basset!!
How could I forget that he was in the house??!!??
I get spooked easily!!
Roy told me to start lockin' the house and I wouldn't have to go thru that again!!

I damn sure did!!

There's more to the tale....but we have to go 'round RobinHood's Barn to get there!!

Saturday, March 08, 2008

Tossin' and Turnin'....

I'm one of those people that doesn't sleep well. If I don't take something I sleep for about 4 hours and then I'm up for 4 hours.

And it doesn't help that I have weirdass dreams, becuz then I am tryin' to figure out the damn thing!

So let me tell you all about it. In real life, I have been tryin' to get my aunt and sister together to go see the new baby....things haven't worked out so smoothly!

But the dream..... I was prep'in' the submarine for a trip. I have gotta get a book to find out what the deal is with subs....odd!! It probably has something to do with sex!
I am puttin' the chickens and goats and cats on the sub along with an alien....in a life support case....in a metal box. Everyone...the sub crew... knows it's alien...not one from another country but another planet.....weirdass I know!!
We all know the damn thing will get lose and kill us all!!!
That's what always happens!!!

I know why I have the chickens and goats....I have been readin' a magazine about hobby farms and I want chickens and ducks but Roy has issues with chickens....so I don't have any.
But the cats....not sure but they have a purpose.
In the dream, I'm upset that I can't get the cats to eat. So I call to Roy to help me. He's not thrilled as he always has to help me with piddly little things.
This isn't piddly!
If the cats don't eat...their not happy.
If their not happy....they don't purr.
If they don't purr....they don't create energy.
If they don't create energy....the alien will die.
If the alien dies....it can't get lose and kill us!!

Weirdass dream....right???

Can I go back to drinkin' now??

Thursday, March 06, 2008

We All Have Bouts of Self Doubt!!

Some the most secure people I know have bouts of depression and self doubt and the image that they project to others.
Luckily, my depression was just a hormonal thing becuz I really am not ready to wear sensible shoes.
Last year, the BossMan had all the staff together for a meetin'.....the first time some of my co-workers had ever actually saw me.....we talk on the phone all the time but I couldn't pick any of them out of a line-up! The offices are only 15 miles apart!!
And neither could they of me....we were all chatterin' away talkin' about nothin' when I left the room...one of them whispers to another "Who is that?"
When they all knew who I was, one of them said, "You wear Pink HiTops. I wish I had the nerve to wear Pink shoes."

Does it take nerve to wear Pink Converses?? That has hung in my brain since she said it.

So no....Granny...I'm not ready. Pink HiTops are about as sensible I as I get.

But Roy....light of my life....walked in one day and the first words outta his mouth was, "Do I talk tough?"

What??? Duh!!!

"Yes, Honey, you do."
I might as well have hit him in the balls!! He looked like I did....he feelin's were hurt. Men!!
I continued....I know all the right things to say....I've stroked his ego before....
"Honey, you carry yourself in a manner that exudes confidence. You strut. You walk with your shoulders back, chest all puffed out. The model of ToughNess! You are an icon. Other men tell YOUR WAR stories becuz they don't have their own!!! It is a documented fact, that you are arrogant."
For some reason those were not words he wanted to hear....he's no cream puff!
I'm not gonna lie about it...but he was hurt!
I have seen his SuperCape fly in the breeze!!
He not only talks the talk but He Walks the Walk....And he is having self esteem issues????
I had to know what prompted this...and he spilled the beans.
It would seem that a "friend" of his said "You talk tough! Let's just see how tough you are!" and they wrestled like boys in the schoolyard..... Roy came out on top....and all was giggles and shits with the "friend"....Men!!!
One would think if a 58 yr old man tussled with a 30 yr old and the 58 yr old was the winner he would strut like he was cock of the walk!
Not like the whipped one!!

Oh Yes....We are a two peas in a pod!!!

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Feelin' Old....

Sittin' in my car the other day I started feel old.

I was goin' to town for groceries....And I was feelin' low!

I looked in the rearview...I'm showin' my age.

I'm a grandmother....number 4 hit the ground.

Another boy.

My car is showin' it's age....cats have left tracks all over it....and I need air in the tires.

My music is old...Journey...Van Halen...Black Oak Arkansas!

I'm pathetic!

After I got home, I took my pity party to the couch.

I laid there most of the day.....To Roy it looked like I hadn't moved all day long....I was right where he left me.

The honeymoon was over.....The trip to Hawaii was done.

I don't have any trip to plan....maybe in the Fall....but ugh....why?

Maybe it's just hormonal depression.

I had called a friend. "What are we doin' for your birthday?"

"Oh, I don't know. I'll ask my hubby."

He's an idiot....seriously a freakin' idiot!!

I do that. Call my friends and ask them...they don't call me.

I was feelin' pretty low.

I told her she needed to knock back some tequila and celebrate another 30th birthday.

She said her hubby hasn't forgive me for "forcin' her to drink" last year.

What???

It was one shot!! He should be thankin' me!!

I'm sure that was the best sex he ever had from her!!!

That dickhead!!

So now I'm really low.

I was thinkin' maybe it's time I grew up....be more mature...Be more motherly.....grandmotherly. Cut my hair...wear granny dresses everywhere I go...sensible shoes.

I don't see my grandkids very often. They live to far away and family problems to intense to deal with....we are takin' baby steps in the that area. So I would be wearin' sensible shoes and granny dresses for nothing.

The freakin' idiot really bugs me!

Apparently, I project some sorta PartyGirl Persona......which isn't a bad thing. I'm the FunWife.

But yet....Roy noticed one day that the IdiotHusband was talkin' more to me....I really hate that! I have turned down the utter contempt for him several notches. I really like his wife. And they seem to be a package deal....so I stopped being totally hateful....it's backfired!! I can't have fun with her but he can now speak to me???

Men!!

Wait 'til he sees me in my granny dress and sensible shoes!!

Maybe I need to mature....listen to grown up music..... Country.....new age....that just gives me chills thinkin' about it.

Drive a grown up car....a Buick....Roy's ex-life had a buick in it....baby blue buick....it was big enough to have sex in though.

So when Roy noticed me on the couch, he said, "Have you been layin' there all day?"

"No. But I might as well set up camp here."

He rolled his eyes, "What's wrong now?"

Now??

Like I do this all the freakin' time...."I'm depressed." And told him about the phone call, the trip, and the car.

The best he could come up with was, "That's why your here, with me. Because you're you. Let's just hope it's hormonal induced depression!"

So all I can say is....

I get off on '57 Chevys;
I get off on screaming guitar.
Like the way it hits me every time it hits me.
I've got a rock and roll, I've got a rock and roll heart.

We celebrated her 2nd Annual 30th Birthday with several pina coladas.....Cuz That's How I Roll! WE went shoppin' for her some sexy jeans...not the mommy ones....He'll thank me one day!!

I'm on the Highway to Hell....Livin' on a Prayer....that I Can't Drive 55 on....And If I Ever Get Out of Here I'm Goin' to Katmandu.

A gathering of angels appeared above my head
They sang to me this song of hope, and this is what they said
They said come sail away, come sail away
Come sail away with me


Long Live Rock and Roll!!

I'm just not quite ready for Granny dresses and sensible shoes!

Monday, March 03, 2008

The Hightowers Go To Hawaii...9 or 10....

Hell I've lost count.....

Kauai...my favorite island. I don't really know why....maybe less touristy than the others. The people seemed to have more pride about this Island. It was truly beautiful. And totally filled with wild chickens....little banty roosters runnin' every where! The only time that Roy wasn't chased by the little bastards!

Have I mentioned that incident??

I'll be one those people.

You know the ones.

The ones that tell THEIR STORIES over and over again....RoySr told Roy the same one over and over the first five days of the trip.....he knows by heart the story of the fat woman that made him supper....blah blah blah...no real point to it....unless you have a fat daughter inlaw....doh!!!

And the one about meetin' a man at a dinner that was exFBI...I doubt it...but anyway...he used to drive Hillary and what was that other ones name...Gore...around town and those two were the biggest potty mouths....blah blah blah....

You know we all read that email years ago!!! Only I think it was a pilot that used to fly the Ladies....Well it would seem that some old man developed it into his own story.

I can't wait until I get my own blogs sent to me as a joke!! I will have hit ICON STATUS....wait....I....can't....move....my....head...it's grown...so large!!!

Anyway.... Kauai has loads of Chickens. We were told everything from hurricanes to cockfighting.....whatever. They do not eat them....too tough!

Isn't he purdy!? One of the purdiest ones is on video...Roy doesn't hold a grudge to any Rooster that may have chased him in the past....it was so funny!!

I was gettin' tired....and ready to go home!

After all the searches, all the bitchin', all the tours, all the paradise I could stand...I was ready to go home.

We had to go thru security several times in this port....and of course I was searched....again I'm gettin' ahead of myself.

Roy and I went into town on a Dr Pepper run. I saw one of the Red Dirt Shirt Shops...which is funny to me....I'm an Okie. We have red dirt.

Our state is famous for our red dirt.

There is a music genre that is dedicated to Red Dirt that originated in Stillwater, Oklahoma.

We have clothes "stained" by red dirt and we aren't thrilled by it!

I had the cutest little bikini as a kid that was navy and white....by the end of the summer it was purple and dingy white! My granny had bleached it to get the White White but all it did was bleach the Navy Purple.

And I wasn't the only one that felt that Hawaiian Red Dirt was not so whoop-de-do, some woman on a tour bus said, "It looks like Alabama!" in a deep south drawl.

But Hawaiian Red Dirt is Volcano Dirt!! They had me there!

So here is a shop that sells t-shirts dyed with Red Dirt!

Of course I had to have one....with a chicken on it!! It they had only had a Harley on it ...It would have been PERFECT!!!

So goin' back thru security my bag was xrayed.....naturally there was a problem.

"May I look in your bag?"

My life is an open book.

"Sure, have at it."

It was like she knew exactly where it was....And pulled out a baggy!!

She grinned and put it in the trash. "Have a nice day."

Roy had a cow!!!

27 years of law enforcement and I have caused him so much trouble......one would think I was a resurrection of Bonnie Parker!!! I like to tell him when ever he gets all RoyHightower- BadAssSuperCop on me, "I'm the best wife you've ever had!" It makes him smile.

Good thing it wasn't a criminal offense!!

The Baggy!

And later in the day, his mother was searched with the wand....you know one of metal detector thingys....they thought she had an open bottle of vodka....why wand her?

Yep Vodka!! They thought QueenVictoria had vodka. Roy was so embarrassed. I didn't care...I was so tired of it all.

Go ahead ask me why they thought she had vodka.

We went to the Waimea Canyon, we saw a blow hole thing, we saw a fern grotto, we went to a luau....it was super great.

Be a tourist!! Do the all the touristy things!!

I strongly suggest that if you go on one of these tour/cruise things...or any trip.....or skydive...or ride your Harley to Sturgis.....do it..... soon.

While you are young and can enjoy everything....dance in the moonlight nekked in the rain for Pete's sake!!

Please do not wait....Live Long, Love Much, and Laugh Often!!

And with that, I'll end this saga.

Remember this:

Never travel with old people!

Watch where you point the champagne bottle!

Leave the coral on the beach in Maui..... They will find it in Kauai!

It doesn't matter if you turn your back to the ocean or not...it's gonna knock your boob out!

And what ever you do, don't let your Mother InLaw have a bottle of water......people will mistake it as Vodka.....all becuz she has backwash and floaties in it!