And I'm sorry for that.
I have told many people to use their blogs as a way to get their sorrow out or vent frustrations....so I will heed my own advice.
It helps to know that you are not alone.
Hold on...we have to go 'round the barn....
Saturday started out normal. It was opening day of Deer Season with rifles...Roy was headin' to the woods.
I took the time to catch up on my blog...post scheduled blogs for Thanksgiving...and catch up on my readin'.
Then I had errands...which was to run the MerryWidow all over Joplin.
The MightyHunter called me to say he had "harvested" his buck....there was a lot of calls back and forth about what to do with it...or rather how to have it butchered.
The MerryWidow and I had stopped for lunch.
And then the world stopped.
I envision a wild red headed woman runnin' 'round in my head workin' all the knobs, levers, buttons, and switches in my head that keeps me a workin' functionin' person...not so much a normal functionin' person....just functionin'.
She's the one that keeps my shit together.
And there is a MasterSwitch in my brain that that wild red headed woman works....the main switch....She has it flipped on most of the time.
But when the world stops...I think...she has flipped it off...becuz I don't process things like normal people.
Not Ever. Not Once.
I went to the buffet for food and when I returned to the table, the MerryWidow said my phone had been ringin'....no biggie! I thought it was Roy.
It was my sister.
For some odd reason I didn't want to call her back...the MasterSwitch in my brain was on so I called her back.
She answered her phone.
And said 3 words.
I only caught one of them...."Died"....But the MasterSwitch was flipped off.
My mind was blank.
Why was she callin' to tell me about her husband's grandmother??
We had talked about her recently....she had fallen and broken her hip. She's old but that doesn't cause death.
2 words came outta my mouth...."How Sad."
The MasterSwitch had been flipped back on....becuz my sister continued talkin'....she may have been talkin' the whole time but I was stunned and didn't know what she was sayin'...but she continued to talk to me.
And I focused on what she said.
"And EdithAnne is devastated!"
The MasterSwitch in my brain was switchin' on and off like a strobe light!
It hit me like a mule kick in the stomach.
I wanted to throw up.
I wanted to scream.
I wanted to run.
I was cold.
I was hot.
I felt like someone had grabbed my by the ankles and whipped me around and slammed me on the ground.
My 4 month old granddaughter had died.
I needed Roy.
I called him and only left a message.
I yelled at a couple of people before I left the restaurant.
I kept tellin' them "We have to go. NOW!!" But that wasn't sinkin' in with those people.
I wanted to be with my daughter....she needed her momma!
The MerryWidow knows the history between Roy, me and the Girls. She doesn't understand compassion and forgiveness, she doesn't understand my need to be with my daughter.
So when Roy finally called me back, and I told him the news and to "stop whatever you're doin' and be ready to go when I get there!" She was flabberghasted that he just said, " kay."
I hope she never calls me again.
Once I got home...I let Roy take over.
I was so out of it.
My emotions ranged from anguish to anger to compassion to confusion.
I had no idea what I was doing. I'm very lucky, I got home in one piece.
I had an hour and half car ride to work up my strength....to be the rock for my daughter.
I had to see her...make sure she had her momma.
I don't think there is anything more heartbreakin' than an infant's funeral.
And that's all I'm gonna say about that.
Thank you for your understanding....and being there.
For all the comforting thoughts and prayers....they are very much appreciated.