Friday, October 10, 2008

Vlad The Diet Barbarian's Weakness...

"Honey, which arm is the Heart Attack arm?"
He shows a bit of concern.
"It's the left one."
"Oh good! I have a shootin' pain in my right."
He rolls his eyes.

We have had this conversation about every 6 months since 1995. We had these little chats more often since he's dragged my fat ass to the gym.

"Honey, I have pain in my left arm."
He shows a bit of concern.
"Is it a sharp shootin' pain?"
"No. It's more like a achin' throbbin' pain in my elbow."
Sometimes when I have groomed a lot of dogs...it's my wrist!
He rolls his eyes...I rely on him.
He is EMT trained.
"If you didn't loll about like Jabba the Hut you wouldn't have that."

I rolled my eyes.....Jabba!
He'll sing a different tune when I have that gold swimsuit on!!

"Honey, I have a sharp shootin' pain in my left arm and I feel faint."
He goes on point.
I fainted on him once so he's very cautious of the word "faint" when I say it.

He was his fault!

Okay, he had us diet kick once in the past.
He bought all of us bicycles.
And we all had those odd honkin' horns....it was like a flock of sick geese ridin' bikes.
One day he came up with the bright idea of takin' us to the lake....better yet below the dam...which means there is HUGE HILL....HUGE FUCKIN' HILL!!!
Down... I had no problem.
Up...HUGE PROBLEM!!
He said to use the different speeds on my bicycle...what???
I've only ridden a one speed!!
I'm the only speed!!! Though the bike had 5!
So up the hill we went.
The girls hung with me....worried that their momma would not make it.
BUT.....If they're momma made it, they could!
Roy rode way ahead of us.
I pedaled like the Wicked Witch of the East!
And I was worried I wouldn't make it.
I'm not the most physically fit person...EVER!
Heart problems run in my family!

So I make to the top of the hill...Iwill live!!
Woo fuckin' hoo!!

And then it happened.

I went about a quarter of a mile and I stopped dead in my tracks.
"Honey!"
Roy stopped.
Turned.
"What?"
"I can't see."

He musta caught me just before I hit the pavement.

All I remember was some Angel sayin' "Walk this way." and guidin' me towards the light!

I opened my eyes to see a man that had panic on his face becuz his future wife just passed out.
Two little girls that had watched their momma die.
One of their teachers.
2 people from the diner across the road.
And 3 men I have no idea who they were.

The teacher loaded me in her car and took me and the girls home.
Roy rode his bike home....we were 5 miles from home.

We passed the ambulance on the way home. Someone from the diner had called them to come out for the woman that had collapsed on the side of the road.

Totally Roy's fault!! We never went back to the dam.

This whole gym.....fitness center thing.....So far so good.

Roy watches me in the gym.
He doesn't push me.
When I say "I'm done"....I'm done.
When I say "I feel faint"...he stops whatever he's doing and gets ready to catch me.
Once while at WalMart...years ago....He had me on one on these yo-yo diets...I felt faint.
The lights went dark.
I was goin' down.....I thought I was.
Roy wouldn't even chit chat with his FanClub!
He has one....groupies...of a sort.
It's really cool....I wish I could tell you more about it.

But... He knew he had to be ready to catch me.

I am his kryptonite!

So how have I lost 15 pounds??
The gym and a diet of 1500 calories.
And the love of a really great guy.

5 comments:

Miss Thystle said...

ah, you loves your husband!

Jane! said...

I love that you still love him. I'd probably be a widow by now... especially after that 6am gym nonsense.
My hearty congrats on the missing 15 pounds! *sigh* Is Vlad for rent?

MizAngie said...

CONGRATULATIONS!! And not to worry - I think I've found your missing 15 lbs!! I'll just "sit on it" til you want it back. Ha!!

Y'all are doin' great! I'm proud of you...

Sherrie said...

first off........."LMAO at mizangie sittin on it" too too funny!

Secondly, I keep hoping my hubby will take me by the hand and say "hey let's you and I go to the gym" I've even suggested he take the lead, so far no such luck!

Sherrie said...

did I mention I leave for vegas tomorrow?????