Monday, June 16, 2008

Shoppin' With Roy and the Locusts...

As I slept most of Saturday, Roy worked his ass off in the yard. When I woke up Sunday mornin' he was already out in the yard doin' somethin'. I felt a bit better so I got into the shower. He came in and announced we needed to go to town.
A trip to the Mall was all I heard thru the locust.
He likes to park around by Sears where I have to walk thru the tool section...I hate that. I have been timed to see how quickly I can get thru there...straight to shoes.
I am not a big fan of's like an upscale KMart. I don't do KMart!
As I was sprintin' thru tools...outta the corner of my eye....was THE stove!
The clouds parted.
The sun shone down.
The angels played their horns.....there was confetti!!
And big red sign....SALE!!!!!
I was magically transported to THE top with radiant heat! It would make the Cherry Syrup Mess clean up sooooooooo much easier!

I refrained from huggin' it.

Where is Roy? He has to see this!
I looked in the oven...I can still broil....where is that man??
OOOh, I can store stuff in the bottom...I'll call him!
One hand on THE stove and one hand diggin' in my purse lookin' for that damn cell phone.....the Voice Of Reason said, "What ARE you doin'?"
You know the Voice of's the one that keeps me from buyin' $300 purses.
Shoes so high that I would break my ankle when I fell...Oh I would fall!
Big Ass leather recliners that smell like a baseball glove.
Corvettes....that voice.
Have you ever sat in a Big Ass Leather Chair??
Oh it's just sinful!!
And it was a lot like sittin' in the just wraps around you.....oh so good.
The Voice of Reason said, "You don't need a stove. You need a dishwasher."
I have never had a dishwasher sing to me!
The Voice of Reason said, "Let go of the stove and go buy shoes."
I don't need shoes either but Roy won't a conniption over them!

I like sneakers. White Ones! I want court shoes...Reebok stopped makin' them for women. As I was perusin' the sneakers I saw a pair of white court lookin' shoes over in the little boy's section! For $17!!
I have been blessed with small feet and it has saved truckloads of money by buyin' little boy sneakers and boots.
I picked up my new shoes and took them to the sales desk. The young man that was ringin' up my shoes was talkin' to me but I couldn't hear anything over the locust but "Free shoes!"

Free Shoes??
And I told him I couldn't hear real well, to say all that again.
Apparently, if my child wears out this pair of shoes in a year and is still in the same size I can get another pair of shoes!!!
Cool deal right???
"These are for me."
"Well you can still get the same deal."
"Let's be honest here, This pair of shoes" and I lovingly rubbed the box, "is one of hundreds that will be in my closet and there is no way I will wear them out in a year. Thank you anyway."
Me and the locust went on our merry way with our new shoes.

I started to feel bad....I only made it to 4 stores. Too much uneven temperature in the mall. And the smell in OldNavy was horrible. The EPA should look into OldNavy! FEMA trailers?? Got nothin' on OldNavy!!!
OldNavy has always smelled of formaldehyde!!!

I met back up with Roy he was ready too. And as we walked towards Sears, I asked if he had heard the music in the appliance section too.
"NO...and what did you do about it?"
"Nothing. I don't really need a stove. But I'll show it to you."
As we approached THE stove....I heard the angels playing the music....and the confetti was fallin'.
"This one. Do you hear the music."
He smiled. "No."
"Touch it. Stand right here," I pushed him just a bit to the right. "Now do you hear the music. There's confetti!"
The salespeople were circlin'....they were gonna make a sale!

Roy said, "No. I don't hear the music but over in the tool section I heard the music on a 45 piece set. Do you wanna go look at those?"
And he walked away!
"Well of course not! You are gonna deny me my last wish on my death bed."
He stopped and turned around....face reddened but still smilin'...said, "No, but you do not need a stove. And you are not dyin'! Now let go of the oven door and slowly walk away!"

It was decided that I would go to the doctor the next day. Not the Shrink! But the doctor to get rid of the locust!


VENTL8R said...

Girl, you crack me up the way to write what goes on in your head. ALthough I could totally picture the clouds parting on The Stove. Sad life we lead when appliances get us revved up......

Billie said...

I have one of those glass tops and I am fairly certain that Cherry Syrup wouldn't clean up better. Apparently, higher sugar things that get spilled on it does not clean up without a significant amount of elbow grease.

I have to say tho... LOVE my glass top stove. And a stove is infinitely more practical than your 200th pair of shoes.

Just don't quit writing. Your blog brings a smile to my face even when nothing else can.


Miss Thystle said...

I know exactly the voice you mean. I try to shut that damn thing up.

ZooKeeper said...

Hell, I can't even shop in the little kids shoe department for Colleen anymore. I have to buy her size 6 wide womens shoes. Sad, so sad. I'm jealous. I have to buy her adult sunglasses too, she's got a big head.
I can't say a stove every got me hearing hymns but I love the new washers and dryers, those big front loading suckers with the organizers in between.

MizAngie said...

I buy boys shoes, too, because they're wider. I heard the celestial choirs, saw the confetti, and the clouds parted the other day when I looked at gas logs. {sigh} I'm waiting for the summer sale like a good girl...

Bird said...

I tried to make a mosaic, but I got frustrated and stopped.

I have a stove at SEars that i love, but no flat surfaces for me! Five gas burners and a double oven on a standard frame. That's hot!

Beth said...

YOu are too would love the stove though, i have the glass top and will never deal with the burners and having to clean those things out ever again. A little bit of the cleaner and water and all mess is wiped up.
Did you get a purse with those shoes ?