Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Ex-Beaus and Confidence....

Where to begin?
I've had 3 days to think about this....and I still don't know!
So here we go....
Roy drug me kickin' and screamin' to a gun show to start with...I hate goin' to them!
I stand there and feign interest while he oooo's and ah's over shotguns and pistols. When we go purse and shoe shoppin' I don't even get that...he finds a bench and waits outside the store for me. There are no benches at a gun show!! So I stand there and smile and nod my head like I give a shit!
Then outta the corner of my eye I saw him!
The One!
I have day dreamed about this moment for 15 years! I would be all cool if he was with someone...his wife....or if I was with Roy.....which I am 90% of the time....so I would be cool and smile.
Maybe wink at him.
If we were alone....it would be all "Hey, Sugar How have you been?" We would chat like 15 years hadn't past. We had that sorta relationship. Not so much sexual but supportive...we fit.
But not.
I have come face to face with Ex-Beaus and their wives in the past. It's no big deal for me. The "boys" now men are either fat or look older than dirt becuz of way too much drugs and booze ...or the wife is fat or butt ugly so I don't care....I have that beat. Hands Down!!

Since 1991, when I rejoined the workforce, I opened up my personality to let the real me out. And I had fun with it.
Maybe a bit too much fun....but I got Roy out of it!
But since Roy entered my life I have carried myself with a great deal of confidence. I walk like I'm 6 feet tall, with my head held high, shoulders back, chest out.....I strut!


Until Saturday.

I saw him outta the corner of my eye.
I stood there dumbstruck.
And then the Insane Person that lives inside of me turned.....wantin' to run screamin' from the room.
The Sane Person that lives inside of me said,"Do Not Cause A Scene! It might not be him. It could be his brother."
The Insane One looked again. "Nope, THAT'S his ass!!!"
And then he spoke!

Not to me....I just heard his voice.


You know when you get bad news, how you feel faint?
Or your stomach turns?
Or both???
When I get that way....I feel the need to sit down. It's either that or fall down.

That is sorta what I felt. But it was more like EVERY OUNCE OF CONFIDENCE DRAININ' FROM MY BODY!!!!!!!!

The Sane One said, "Steady. DO NOT FALL DOWN! Now pull up your jacket collar and pull your hair forward to cover as much of your face as possible."
And I moved to the other side of Roy.

We moved slowly thru the aisles and when I was on the other side of the room I looked up to see if I could see THE ONE....he was gone!

I have never been so outta sorts in all my life!
Not like that!
Maybe it was more of that hormonal crap but I was not ready for that at all!!
I feel my age.....he is 3 years older than me.
I have extra pounds that I didn't have 15 years ago...... But he still looked great.

Time for a lifestyle change....I want to be prepared.
I don't ever want to feel like that again.


miss thystle said...

so where are you going to move to?

MizAngie said...

I feel that way everyday.

Bird said...

Atch. Not a good feeling. I've been feeling that a lot lately since having the ole bambino. The tire around my waist is going to have to go somewhere eventually!

Anonymous said...

Hi Hun:
I can't believe what I'm reading...I'm in shock!! I've always thought of you as such a bubbly, confident person....very sure of yourself and your own skin. I'm finding it hard to believe that you let a man cause you to shrink into a ball of shame. Please don't ever let that happen again. You are a beautiful, vivacious, intelligent, magnificent woman. You have a great husband and a life that most women would kill for. You're funny, witty, loving, caring, compassionate...shall I go on?? Please don't ever think that you have reason to hide yourself from anyone. Hold your head up high and shout, "Hey, look at me, ain't I great!! Aren't you sorry that I'm not yours??".
I'm sixty pounds heavier than I was when I dated, but I don't let that bother me when I see an old beau, because that's just what they are..."old"...and I don't care what they think of me anymore. You, my sweet friend, have no reason to hang your head in shame....you are FANTASTIC!!
Thanks for the kind words you left for me, Hun. But, I could never "friendly-up" to my ex's new girlfriend...she's a boozer, so not the sort of person I would want to spend any time with. But, I am friends with a couple of his other old girlfriends, because they have figured out why I left...lol.
Hugs and Love,

Grandmother Witch said...

I was riveted reading that then disappointed that you dropped the ball and let him get away. Shame on you, you let us all down. Very excellent writing though, and I really wanted it to go on and on. You are a great writer!!! I can't express that enough. I know how you felt though, because I kept thinking ohh that could happen to me, and I am neither prepared or willing to have it occur. Guess I'd better start the diet, because if I look great, I know that I will never run into him!!! Love you Nadine.
Blessed be.

Sherrie said...

I know exactly how you feel here you know. Seriously, I used to feel like such a sensual woman, even after putting a few pounds on, just more of me to ooze sensuality. Then I got sick, packed a good 30 on, I swear my face turned old over night, and well, I just don't feel like the same woman at all. I dread some old beaus seeing me now, and can I be honest? I just hate that!

Like you said, time for a lifestyle change, now if I could just get off my lazy butt and do that all would be great LOL.