Monday, December 29, 2008

I'll Fight For You!!!

So we pull up to the post office and some man is already in the post office....lookin' at us pull in....Roy's instantly ticked!
Why?
I don't know.
Paranoia.
"What are you lookin' at, Asshole?"
"It's alright, Honey. I'll kick his ass for you while I'm in there!"

So I go in.
Wait in line while the man conducts his business.....very slowly. He's apparently not a dealin' with a full a deck cards at life's poker table.
But I wait patiently.....I can do that....be patient.
I noticed that he had one arm in a cast....hhhhhmmmm........
After the man was done he still stood there.....fumblin' with his wallet.....and countin' his stamps....I waited patiently.
The PostMistress motioned for me to step forward.
And I did....and I was done and out the door.
When I got back in the truck, I told Roy, "That took longer than I wanted becuz I took my time to kick his ass and then I had to help put his arm in a sling!"

And the man walked out and got in his truck.
"See, I broke his arm for you! I'll fight for you, Baby!!

He rolled his eyes.

Today, while at the gym there was these guys....two men workin' out next to my bicycle thingy. I'm not intimidated by anyone so I go do my thing!
Well okay, SkinnyBitches sometimes get to me.
And I would pee my pants if BradPitt crossed my path.
But normal average people I keep my shit together.....for the most part.
So I just got on my bicycle thingy, set it's program, put my earthingys in, and started readin' my magazine.
About 10 minutes into it, I'm hot! I need air!!
There is a fan behind me so I turn to see where it's pointed.....and there's a man!!!
One of those guys!!!
Starin' right at me!!!
Why is he starin' at me???
And when I move my head to look around him, he doesn't move!
He just keeps starin'!!!
What the fuck????
I turn to look at Roy....surely he sees this!!
But nooooooooo!!!!!
When I finally get his attention, I give the appropriate head nods, disgruntled mouth twitches and eye movements so he knows I'm not happy!!!

He gets down from his treadmill and walks over to the fan and moves it so It blows on me.

Later when we're on the way home, I fill him in on the details of that man.
"So you didn't really want the fan? You wanted me to kick his ass?"

DUH!!!
I'd do it for you!!!

Friday, December 26, 2008

Blue Christmas...

And I felt that right until I pull into my grandmother's driveway.
I covered up good....at least I hope so.

When I left my house, it was snowing.
A fine snow....a little bit..... that by the time I made it 3 miles, it was gone....but that drive was still there...the drive for an hour and a half was still there.
It was cold but I was so hot....sweatin'!

I had been dreadin' this.
Was it gonna be an all out cry-fest or a knock down drag out over who took the food home at the end of the day?

I hate my cousin....another story for another day.

Roy doesn't go with me.
He gets stuck with Grandpa.
And hates it.
Grandpa's a pill with a bad memory of what stories he's told.
He's told them over and over and over....
Roy's heard them all.

So I go alone.


You know, I have seriously given thought to askin' Jean to come with me.
Or MrsDeerHide.
Sorta backup....some one to ride shotgun.
A reason to leave when the pressure was too great to bare any longer.

And then thought against it becuz I'd rather keep them as friends...ones to call on when I REALLY NEEDED THEM.

In my car, it's 1985.
The Oldies Station on the radio....it seems natural for a Camaro to be playin' Heart and Stevie Nicks.
It's 37 degrees and I'm sweatin' like it's 224!!
I really dread this.
It's the only time I think I have ever driven the speed limit....the whole way.

Once I was there....I learned that my daughter had fallen and broken her ankle....she might not come.
I really just wanted to leave.
She's the only reason I went.
Well... maybe for my grandmother too.
She's 85.
She cries all the time now.
I can't bear that.
I'd take a bullet for her....and she cries all the time.

I pulled my shit together.
And tried to make the best of it.

My mother is there....and I have mother issues.
And made the best of it.

A surprise to everyone when EdithAnne does hobble in....needing a screw in her ankle...but it's a holiday....it'll wait.
Painkillers.
She and her husband gave my niece her baby's RubySlippers.

My Niece cried.

EdithAnne asked me if I wanted the hat and scarf I had crocheted for the baby back.
I held my tears back and said yes.
I'm glad I sent the top to Angie....at least I know where it went.
The hat comes back to me....I know where it went.

It was rough....really rough.....but I put on a brave face.
I know how to fake it.


I have to.


Pick up the pieces and go home.....

Monday, December 22, 2008

Christmas Swap!!!

As I came outta the Post Office carryin' my box, Roy had a funny look on his face...sorta like "What the Hell?"
We don't get many packages!!

I handed him the box, "Oh didn't I tell you, I'm part of gift swap thingy?"
He likes to try guess what it was by shakin' it. "It's just peanuts!"
But he was intrigued by a box marked, "Made in Oregon."
"Who do you know in Oregon?"
I have family there!! Come On....doesn't every one???
Buuuut.....
"Becca. An Internet friend. You wanna open it now??"
It was filled with all sorts of good things from Oregon!!
Yes Becca, You fooled me!!
Let me tell ya, That cheese is the best ever!!
Roy's banned from it.
And the Snappy Jacks have these peas that have a wasbi kick!!
He's banned from those too!!
That is a Jody Coyote necklace...It's so delicate!! I love it!!!
Thank you so much for your thoughtful gifts!!
I used that box....with "Made in Oregon" stamped on it.....to add to the confusion of my recipient.... to fill with my gifts for my secret swap friend....I hope she's surprised!!!
"What are you doing?" again Roy's confused.
"I'm fillin' this box to ship to Texas. That's where my swap goes."
He instantly saw the humor of the Oregon box.
MzAngie....Love, Hugs, and Christmas Cheer From One Of Your Favorite Okies!!!

Friday, December 19, 2008

Hey Babe!!

"What!?"
"Did you read 'Dear Abbie'?" Roy was readin' the newspaper.
"I don't read 'Dear Abbie'. She gives people crap advice!"
"No it's not 'Abbie'. It's 'Ask Amy'!"
"Same thing, I don't read it either! She gives people crap advice!"

And they do!!
Come On People!!
Think for yourself!!!
You really know the answer to your question!!

He continued with the story, tellin' me what had happened. Apparently some woman had found her husband's porn stash. And when she trashed it, he of course bought more!
The wife was shocked.
Amy was shocked.
And now the man is headin' to divorce court.

Roy turned to me and said, "You wouldn't do that to me, would you?"
I'm shocked......That he would even ask!!
"Honey, I am your porn!"

So what's your stance??
To Porn or Not To Porn...that is the question!!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

It's Not Easy For Me To Admit This....

And it's bad enough that I have my mother's legs!!
They are not Tina Turner's legs by any means!!

But my flaw....It's just horrible!!

When I became involved with Roy, I had to break it to him gently. I didn't want to scare him off!!
We had been intimate....and I thought that it was time to tell him before we became emotionally tied....it could be a deal breaker.

So I sat there all rolled up in his bedsheets, frettin' about how to tell him.
I gently, broke the news, "Roy, Honey, I have something I need to show you."
From the tone in my voice, he knew I was quite serious.
"What is it?"
I stood up and turned around and showed him.
I was near tears.
"My left butt cheek sags."
I was mortified!!!

And that was the very first time he rolled his eyes at me!!!

"Oh That! I noticed that right off."
"Really??"
I could have died right there!!!

"No, you silly Twit!"

Why can't men see that it's earth shatterin'!?!?!?
See my drawin' to the right??
That's a self portrait!!!!

Over the years Roy and I have long discussions about my saggin' butt cheek....he thinks it's the way I twist in the mirror....yeah right!!!
He's all the time tellin' me stand straight....and when I can't see it he tells me it's gone....he lies like a dog!!

I could feel it!!!

Last week.....
I was bent over the bathtub combin' out cats durin' one of their conventions...they have gatherin's in the tub....it's quite funny, all 6 in there. George is growlin' the whole time becuz it's his tub.
All that hissin' and spittin'....
But anyway, I was combin' them. Roy was watchin' the whole thing.
"Hey Babe! Whatever you're doin' at the gym for your butt, it's workin'!! It's shapin' up quite nicely."

Well of course I had to look!
I had to check the cheek!
He's right!!
The shape is changin'!!
The saggin' ass cheek is pullin' it's self up!!!!
It will be heart shaped in no time!!

I thought I was doomed forever!!

Vanity, thy name is Nadine.

Monday, December 15, 2008

I Have A Flaw!!

Yeah!!
I Know!!!
Don't Laugh!!!


Many years ago, I was standin' in front of the mirror...accessin' the damage of pregnancy....women do that.
Look at themselves in the mirror...wishin' for the body they had.
Wishin' for the body they want.
Hopin' they don't look like their mother!!!!!!!!

And I screamed!!!!!!!

My sister, RubyJune, came to me one day.
She was panicked!!
"Sister!!!! I have Mom's hands!!!!!!!!"

She got no pity from me.

"RubyJune. I have something to tell you. Take a deep breath. Sit down."
"Yes Sister." She was still breathin' heavy.
Havin' a part of your mother's body is very distrubin'....she had her mother's hands!
She was only 20!!

But she got no pity from me.

"RubyJune. I have her legs."
She screamed!!!!!!!

Our mother was sittin' in the room with us.
She was not amused.

But while I was lookin' in the mirror accessin' the damage of pregnancy and horrified that I had my mother's legs. I noticed something else.....my flaw.

When I scream over the legs thing...my ex-husband, EarlLee came runnin' to check on me. Havin' your mother's body parts....is horrible!!!
I was only 20!!!!

"What? Did you cut yourself?"
I explained to him what the problem was....he smirked!
Roy rolls his eyes but EarlLee smirked!!
That was his downfall....that and the fact that he cut my Schnauzer's eyebrows!!
If I coulda put that down for the reason for divorce I woulda.
"Your Honor, he cut Jeffy's eyebrows! And I can not be married to a man that would do that."
Yep I woulda!!
Yet being a lazy ass bastard was enough.

I let the smirk over my mother's legs slide....I had bigger problems!!

Friday, December 12, 2008

Aaahhh...Uuuuhhmmmm....

"What's a groin pull?" I asked Roy.
He rolled his eyes.
Oh like he hears about a new aliment every day....well okay....he does.
But a groin pull that could be bad.
Right? It seems to be a really big deal in sports!!!

"Why?" he had to ask.
"Well I have this hitch in my getalong."
He rolled his eyes....again.
One day, those might just roll outta his head!!!
"And where is this 'hitch' at?"
"Aaahh....uummm....welllll....it hard to say."

We were at Walmart.
It was one of those things I really just wanted to point at....but like all thing crotch related...people notice.
Or boob related....people notice that too.
It's funny though, I never see anyone else's Boob Moments but Roy tells me all the time that when I have a Boob Moment...EVERY ONE IS WATCHING..."Quit that, You're Embarrassin' Me!!" is what I'm told.
I seem to always notice Crotch Moments on men....they are either pickin' their butt or scratchin' their package.
Or worse...their fly is open!
Or the time when LennyC had the rip in his pants!!!

"Welll....uuhhhmmm...Let's just put it this way, I think I sprained my snatch."

You Know!! I had no idea that he could turn so many shades of red!!!
And for a man that can't turn his head around and look at what I want him to see....he can certainly swivel his head around to look for anyone that might have heard what I just said!!

I was already knee deep in this so I waded on in.....

"And I think we should give it a "test drive" later to make sure it's in good workin' order. Don't you think that's the best way to see if I have a groin pull???"

Thank goodness it wasn't!!
Crisis averted!!


For now.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Models, The Gym and Vanity....

One day outta boredom....and becuz HughJackman was on the cover...I picked up the PeopleMag to read while I was on the bicycle at the gym.
He is hot!!

I saw an article about Roy's favorite VictoriaSecret's Model.
She is hot!!
Hell! I'd do her!
She just had a baby....4 months ago. She lost 45 pounds!!!
IN 4 FREAKIN' MONTHS!!!!!!
By spendin' 3 hours in the gym!!!!
Roy and I have gone back and forth about the amount of time we spend in the gym. He would be in there for hours!!!!!
I do my time and I'm ready to go!!
I'm finished in an hour and 15 minutes!!

So being, shamed by some model I decided to dig down and reach for my inner skinnygirl...I know she's in there! She's just been hawg tied and squash by my outter fatgirl!!
I will gain back my VSShowPony status!!

There is this piece of equipment in the gym that a person has to stand and rest his back on the cushion and his arms on a cushion, grippin' the handles with his feet on the floor....and then a person is to pull his knees up to his chest.
When I mount the thing...my feet do not touch the floor!!
I'm danglin' there!!
I'm so freakin' short!!!
I watched the SnobbyBitch do it one day...she can't lift her knees to her chest. She does about 20 but still....she's not touchin' her knees to her chest. She's lucky to get her feet off the floor!!
I watched the YoungSquire do it....and it was sooooo much better than watchin' her....he did it right!
Knees to the chest!!
And he makes a sound....yeah, I pull the ear thingy out just to hear him....Roy is a lucky man!!!

I know that if I'm gonna claim my VSShowPony status I've got to do it like the big boys....and damn it, I will!!
So I'm danglin' there....hopin' my shorts are not in my crack....becuz I know that people behind me can see that...I do the pull ups.

Let me just say that when I first started doin' them, I only did it when Roy and I were the only ones in the gym....I only managed 3!
It's really hard!!!

But I have progressed to 15....take a break and attempt more.

That's right!
I can do 15!!
I went from pantin' hard and near cardiac arrest with 3 to 15!!
I'm so proud of myself.
But in that second attempt for 5 more...and acheivin' my VSShowPony status.....something went awry. I don't know what I pulled but my VSShowPony status is put on hold.

Later that day, I told Roy that I was havin' some serious pain in my side.
He's listens but becuz I always have a serious pain....he just feigns concern.
"More serious than your brain bleedin' head injury?"
I told him all about it....when it happened and where....I left out the why of it.
My vanity is just about as famous as my illnesses with him.

He just grinned. "Maybe, you shouldn't do that for a while."


At least he didn't roll his eyes!!

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

We Really Love Gil!!

Roy had this bright idea.
He took an empty rum bottle and cleaned it up with the intent of puttin' the sugar in it.
Wait, don't judge!
He has his reasons.
So the bottle still had moisture in it.
"Do you think if I put it on the stove it will break?"
"Try it! I'll gladly furnish you with another one if it does."
He doesn't have any doubt about that!
He put the bottle on the wood stove for about 30 minutes to dry it out....and it worked! No cracks!
So now it was time to put the sugar in it.
I held the funnel while he poured the sugar in....he doesn't like the jar I have it in.
So as he poured it in, there was dust!
I didn't know sugar had dust!
Cheap sugar!!

"When Doc Robbins does my autopsy for the brain injury, he will find a white powdery substance in my nose and confirm that I'm a drunken druggy!"
I've been called a pillpoppin' alcoholic!!
In legal proceedin's!!!!
"No. Grissom will figure it out! He knows the difference between coke and sugar." he said.

We will miss Grissom when he's gone.

Sunday, December 07, 2008

We Love Gilbert!!

The other day we were bitchin' at each other...not about each other but at each other about other things.
Roy was ticked off that the gym lost his profile so all the miles he had walked was wiped out. He was close to 500 miles!! But now he has 325!
And he bitched all the way home!!
I said,"It takes the wind outta your sails, doesn't it?"
"Yes!" he said with a pissy look on his face.
"Kinda like dietin' for 4 months and not losin' any weight?"
"Yes!" he said still just as pissy!
"Kinda like sweatin' your brains out in the gym and not losin' any weight?"
"Yes." he said with a smirk on his face.
"When all along I coulda been eatin' what I wanted!"
And he saw where I was goin'....becuz all he did was grin!

and thought about it...
and finally said, "You'd be fat!"

Whatever!!!

So that just set the tone for the next hour or so....we bitched.
I would cut lose.
And then he would whine some more about the gym.

"And another thing...!" and I would start again.
Which Roy would just grin at me....

All the while I was dryin' my hair....and we would bitch.
"And while I'm on a roll...!"
And I flipped my head over and whacked myself with my hair dryer....If I had a funny bone in my skull...that's what I hit!!
And I cussed about it.
Roy just giggled at me.

"What's so funny! I'll probably keel over dead from a bleedin' in my brain!"
"And I'll go to jail for killin' you!

"Oh No! Grissom will figure it out!!

He just giggled.
And went back to bitchin' about the gym!

Friday, December 05, 2008

And I'm Not The Only One That They Drive Nuts...

Roy's the one that enacted the "ScooterAlert"!

And I take great pride in the fact that I didn't!!

Alert#3:

"Scooter Called!! The Oven is On and We've Got To Go...NOW!!"

After dinner, the women folk were in the house talkin' about babies and weddin's...you know....women talk.
The men folk were outside talkin' about killin' deer and chainsaws...so totally frickin' borin'!!

Roy would come in from time to time to refresh is drink...DrPepper is the Nectar of the Gods!
But the last time he came in, he looked totally flushed and outta sorts.
I cornered him in the kitchen! "Did Scooter Call?"

"Scooter Called!!" he replied!!!

And he walked in the room where everyone had gathered and announced that we were leavin' as Scooter had call to say we were needed at home.

And out the door we went!!
One Bourbon, One Shot, One Beer!

Once we were outta OKC and a few miles up the Turnpike, he spilled his guts.
Apparently, RoySr had bought into one of the cure all potions....the fountain of youth in a bottle. The man is 85!
He'll believe anything!!
So he gave his credit card number to a SnakeOilSalesman for this CureAll and he'll be receivin' a 30day supply every month....which is billed automatically to his CC!!!

If Roy had hair....he would have pulled it all out!!
RoySr is the biggest penny-pincher that ever walked on the face of the Earth!! That man had a kanniption in the Denver Airport of the cost of a HoneyBun that embarrassed not only Roy but QueenVicky and the man sellin' HoneyBuns!!!!!
Annnnnnd......he has guarded his CCnumber all these years only to give it away for junk!!!

Roy couldn't take one more moment with those people.

And to put the cherry on top of it all....all of Roy's life with those people he has had a "poor" life... the life of preacher's son. They seem to do without a lot of things that you or I have taken for granted, to live their life in the service of the Lord....so many things have been "recycled"....I think now they call it "Free-gans"....Food from Dumpsters. RoySr sees that food as wasted so he takes it home.....only to give away his life savin' to a SnakeOilSalesman when he's an old man!!
One the things Roy and I do on the way home...we have a 3 hour drive home...is try to guess what food we were served actual came from the trash.

Is it any wonder we don't visit more???

Honorable mention:
"What the Hell?" Goes to QueenVictoria.
She wrapped her yams in foil and placed them in the microwave and luckily, she turned to me to ask how long she cooked them.
When I told her what she did....I might was well have showed her my penis!
The look on her face would have been horror either way.

Those People Drive Me Nuts!!

And after Roy told me about the CC and the SnakeOil, we both took a deep breath.
I look at each him, and said, "That whole trip really wasn't so bad, was it?"

He agreed.

We've had worse!!

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Seriously, Nuts!!!

Alert #2:

"Hightower2, Hightower1"
"Go ahead Hightower2"
"10-47, We gotta a Signal 76, possibly a Double30, Mile Marker 135OKC"
"Ok We be 10-19 Home! 10-19 Home!!"
"Copy That!"

As we all know....we've talked about it many times....many....many times.
I'm a light sleeper.
Add that to the fact that I hate being in OKC and sleepin' on a sleeper sofa....I have a miserable night's sleep.
But when you have an old man wonderin' around in the middle of the night, bangin' into every freakin' thing in the house on his way to the bathroom....well Hell! I'm a awake!

But wait.
Let me add this bit of trivia....
This is a 3 bedroom house with 3 bathrooms.
That old man passed 2 bathrooms to get to the one on the other side of the house!!!
What the fuck is that all about?????
I asked Roy.
And he had no clue.

Seriously, people!
RoySr could have gotten outta bed and staggered 6 feet to a bathroom.

But Nooooooo!!!!

I was a awake for 3 hours after that!!

10-47...Armed and Dangerous.
Signal76...I think is a wreck. It's been awhile since I used that term.
Double30...dead bodies...2 of them.
10-19 Home....Officer is to report to where ever that 10-19 is.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Those People Drive Me Friggin' Nuts!!!!

I was gonna label this "3 things that my inlaws to that drive me nuts"....but each actually deserve their own blog entry!!!


Alert #1:
Blue 42! Round Robin Right! Tomahawk Chop on 3!!! Break!
Hut!
Hut!!
HUT!!!

We took my inlaws some venison SummerSausage...we love it!! It ranks right up there with the backstrap!
RoySr took some out to cut up to snack on....and he got out a long knife....a dull one.
Thank all that is good and Holy that it was.

He stabbed into it in such a manner that made Roy wince. That man takes great pride in his killin' of the deer and takin' the time and money to have the sausage made that it stresses him a great deal to have someone just stab it!!
While Roy's back was turned in horror, I witnessed RoySr slice into that beloved deer SummerSausage....and the knife turned....and I winced!!!
If that knife had been sharp...we would have had to rush him to the ER for slicin' his hand open...a 6 inch gash that would have been 2 inches deep!!
I kid you, NOT!
That man drives me nuts!!

Sunday, November 30, 2008

That Was Cryptic!

And I'm sorry for that.

I have told many people to use their blogs as a way to get their sorrow out or vent frustrations....so I will heed my own advice.
It helps to know that you are not alone.

Hold on...we have to go 'round the barn....

Saturday started out normal. It was opening day of Deer Season with rifles...Roy was headin' to the woods.
I took the time to catch up on my blog...post scheduled blogs for Thanksgiving...and catch up on my readin'.
Then I had errands...which was to run the MerryWidow all over Joplin.
The MightyHunter called me to say he had "harvested" his buck....there was a lot of calls back and forth about what to do with it...or rather how to have it butchered.
The MerryWidow and I had stopped for lunch.

And then the world stopped.

I envision a wild red headed woman runnin' 'round in my head workin' all the knobs, levers, buttons, and switches in my head that keeps me a workin' functionin' person...not so much a normal functionin' person....just functionin'.
She's the one that keeps my shit together.

And there is a MasterSwitch in my brain that that wild red headed woman works....the main switch....She has it flipped on most of the time.
But when the world stops...I think...she has flipped it off...becuz I don't process things like normal people.

Not Ever. Not Once.

I went to the buffet for food and when I returned to the table, the MerryWidow said my phone had been ringin'....no biggie! I thought it was Roy.
But No.
It was my sister.
For some odd reason I didn't want to call her back...the MasterSwitch in my brain was on so I called her back.
She answered her phone.
And said 3 words.
I only caught one of them...."Died"....But the MasterSwitch was flipped off.
My mind was blank.
Why was she callin' to tell me about her husband's grandmother??
We had talked about her recently....she had fallen and broken her hip. She's old but that doesn't cause death.
2 words came outta my mouth...."How Sad."

The MasterSwitch had been flipped back on....becuz my sister continued talkin'....she may have been talkin' the whole time but I was stunned and didn't know what she was sayin'...but she continued to talk to me.
And I focused on what she said.

"And EdithAnne is devastated!"

The MasterSwitch in my brain was switchin' on and off like a strobe light!
It hit me like a mule kick in the stomach.
I wanted to throw up.
I wanted to scream.
I wanted to run.
I was cold.
I was hot.
I felt like someone had grabbed my by the ankles and whipped me around and slammed me on the ground.

My 4 month old granddaughter had died.

I needed Roy.
I called him and only left a message.
I yelled at a couple of people before I left the restaurant.
I kept tellin' them "We have to go. NOW!!" But that wasn't sinkin' in with those people.
I wanted to be with my daughter....she needed her momma!

The MerryWidow knows the history between Roy, me and the Girls. She doesn't understand compassion and forgiveness, she doesn't understand my need to be with my daughter.
So when Roy finally called me back, and I told him the news and to "stop whatever you're doin' and be ready to go when I get there!" She was flabberghasted that he just said, " kay."
I hope she never calls me again.

Once I got home...I let Roy take over.
I was so out of it.
My emotions ranged from anguish to anger to compassion to confusion.
I had no idea what I was doing. I'm very lucky, I got home in one piece.
I had an hour and half car ride to work up my strength....to be the rock for my daughter.
I had to see her...make sure she had her momma.

I don't think there is anything more heartbreakin' than an infant's funeral.
And that's all I'm gonna say about that.

Thank you for your understanding....and being there.
For all the comforting thoughts and prayers....they are very much appreciated.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Can We Talk???

That's just say, You live in a small town.
You own a business.
That business relies on the public to survive.

Do you really think you should act like a SnobbyBitch to that Public??

There's this woman...SnobbyBitch....at the gym. She never speaks to me or Roy.
She never smiles.
We have frequented her business.
But she never says one word to us outside that business.

What's up with that??

When I was an employee of Hooters, Paws, and Claws, I was smiles and giggles to all the people that I happened to run into outside of the walls of the office.
I might try to avoid them but once I was caught I was all smiles, giggles and shit.
When I was a cop's wife I had to act....and we'll use that term lightly.....act like an adult. I was to be an example....a good one.....and a pillar of the community.
Yes...he actually said those words.
And that I was to stop flippin' people off.

So If I Owned a Small Business in these Hard Times.....do you think I would go to the gym and be a SnobbyBitch????

I understand being all wrapped up in your workout but come on!
Even I've warmed up to SmellyMan. Though I wave the perfume samples from the Vogue in his direction.
You know, he's started shavin' and I noticed the other day he's had a haircut!!




Have a Happy Thanksgiving.
Drive Safely... if you have to drive....and do not flip people off!!


`````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
I wrote all that above on Saturday to be posted today.
Then....things went wrong.
But I don't want to change it.
I don't feel like it.

I'm gonna take a break.
Don't leave me.
I just can't do this right now.
I'm fine.
Roy's fine.

I just need a bit of time.

Hugs and Air Kisses.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

What Is My Jelly??

And how come you can't handle it??

My niece sent me a CD with all sorts of butt songs on it. So I loaded it up on my Mp3 and there's this one song....I don't know if it's TCL or SaltNPeppa....no wait....Beyonce' is singin'...so it's Destiny's Child.....Which brings up another question?
Who's Destiny?

But anyway, that woman makin' all those barks and squeaks in the song....the jelly song....hell I can do that!!
Sign me up a record contract!
I can't carry a tune in bucket.
And I might not know what my jelly is....but I can bark and sqeak!!

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Catchin ...WTF???????

The latest installment of the BeeHiveLadies Drama is up.

Do you know that there is a certain key on my keyboard that cause my blog to post unfinished???

I wish I knew which one it was so I would stop fuckin' touchin' it!!!!!!!!


And now that I'm totally ticked off at the world over it....I'll just leave you with well wishes for the weekend.

I'm bakin' tomorrow.

So if you don't hear from me ever again....I burnt the house down.

Hugs and Air Kisses!!

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

For Emergency Use Only....

A while back Roy was up on top of the house fiddlin' with the antenna, and noticed that the chimney had a crack in it. He now had something else to worry about.
Tryin' to "harvest" a deer....The LandOwner put such restrictions on him he hasn't killed anything but time....He worries about that.
Frettin' over the recent break-in's in the area....everyone that drives by "looks" like someone that will kick in our back door and rob us blind. Like I want those thievin' neighbors to take anymore of my lawn furniture....Roy just rolled his eyes!!! He's more worried about those damn guns!

But now, there's a crack in the chimney....which could lead to a house fire.
So he told me the procedure in case there was a house fire.
Which is to get the hell out!!!!
Maybe grab my purse on the way out.
But don't make any great effort for it.
Just get the hell out!!!
"But Honey! We have six cats!"
"Oh God! No! Just get out!!"
Now seriously! Has he forgotten who he's married to???
Does he really expect me to leave those babies in there???!!??
No Fuckin' Way!!
I couldn't live with myself if I didn't try.
I'll be standin' out in the pasture covered in soot and cat scratches but every last one is comin' outta this house!!
We have a tornado plan and it involves me collectin' as many as I can find and gettin' in the closet in the center of the house....until he builds that storm shelter....then when the storms come up we'll start gatherin' them up to take them to the hidey hole.
Even my ex-hubby knew that!!
A big tornado came thru our small town and took out the most of the school....you have not lived until you've seen a big orange school bus that you rode everyday to school in the top of an oak tree....the tears will fall!
That big storm came up while I was at work and he was at home with girls....the sirens sounded he gathered everyone up and headed to the cellar....and one of the girls held my dog!

Roy needs to get a grip!


Which led to this....
I have a brand spankin' new and shiny modern chimney!!
And he can go back to worrin' about deer and thieves.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Buy The Pies??

Oh No!
I'm gonna bake them damn pies!!

I might just burn the house down!!

That would be a good thing!!
Trust me!!
That way THOSE PEOPLE WILL HAVE GUILT!

One of these days, I'm gonna take the time to tell you all about the goin's on with the BeeHiveLadies...But it's still unfoldin'.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Holiday Blues...

The blues have set into my soul....and I don't see that I'll be gettin' over it anytime soon.
Thanksgiving is comin' up and we're takin' our 3 ring circus to OKC for 2 days...if the weather is good.
I'm hopin' we have a ice storm.
Roy's mom, QueenVictoria, has requested that I bake pies.
Me.
Bake.
Pies.
She's old and has forgotten about the Pecan Soup.
Go ahead read about it....you'll see!
But Roy?? He knows better!!

But that's not the biggest problem that I have.
Oh no.
Roy has told his mom his worries about his stock portfolio.
And of course the first words outta her mouth is, "Can't Nadine go back to work?"
He didn't tell me this right off....he had to think about it.
Think about how to tell his wife about the conversation without hurtin' her feelin's and keep her from killin' him or his mother.
Tact would be needed.
So what he said was, "If my mother says anything to you about gettin' a job, tell her 'Roy doesn't want me to' and leave it at that."
He went on to say, "I'm happy with the way things are."

Good, huh?
He's learnin'.

We need a code word.
We have a code word for sex.
But we need one for "I've had enough of these people! Take me home!"
Roy suggested "10-47" which means Armed and Dangerous.
He and I tend to talk in TenCodes but I could never come up that one!
So he suggested "Blue 42".
Not one I shout in the dining room. He told me to use that one when we first got together as I was a rather quiet lover. It's funny how a man's ego rides on the noises that his partner makes during sex. My ex-husband was a shy man and wild, unbridled sex was uncalled for....a bad habit I had to get rid of for Roy's ego.
So yellin' "Blue 42" at the dinner table during Thanksgivin' would draw way too much attention!

I suggested "Scooter called and said we left the oven on."
We tease each other all the time about callin' home and gettin' the cat to do somethin' we needed done. That would fit perfectly!

Do you have the blues too??
Do you have codewords??

And apparently sleepin' arrangements vary from couple to couple....just as favorite movies or political opinions.
None are wrong.
Just different.
Something that we do to cope, to live happily, and to get a good night's sleep.

Thanks for all the response.
And to the newbies.... Welcome to my dumbass Okie life!!

Number 500!! Blog 500!!

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Some Days I Wonder....

Roy was soakin' in the tub, watchin' TV, and yells at me, "I think we should try that new restuarant in Tulsa. Lost Caboose!"
Really?
He's not one to drive to Tulsa just to eat, must less try a new place.
And What is he talkin' about Lost Caboose??

"Honey, where is that? There used to be a diner in an old train on 11th. Is that it?"

And then it hit me!!

The ad on TV was for Los Cabos.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mz Thystle is having a fabulous prize giveaway.....go!!
Tell I sent you!!
Be a sport and play along!!

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

And Roy Said....

"I have a project. You will help. And we will get along."

Normally, I get yelled at...which then he gets yelled at...which really ticks him off and I'm sent to the house. But If the Rules are established goin' in....I'm good.

And we did his project without bloodshed!!
Takin' inventory of the gun cabinet...one would think that would easy....the last time....total trainwreck!!

This time 'round...no biggy!
I must be growin' up.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Roy's Dreams...

Something we don't get to delve into....very often.

One morin' we were sharin' our dreams with each other. Mine was wild and hot sex with each other....normally wild sex dream are not with Roy. I have a great sex life so I rarely dream about that....so I'm not sure what my dreams are about....which is normal!!

So he shared his with me.

We were drivin' into a strange town....I was drivin'.
And of course in his dream I ran a stop sign and wrecked!
No one was injured, but instantly, EVERYONE hated us!!
We were put in jail.
We were unable to do anything to try to get out.
No matter what we did we were trapped!!

"Uh. Honey, That's not a dream. That's our life!"

He grimaced. "I know!"



For the record, I have never wrecked....that it was my fault.

Or been in the jail....cell.

Saturday, November 08, 2008

And While We're Talkin' About Sleeping Together...

Do your parents or grandparents sleep together??

Don't laugh!
Think about it....not sexually...but literally....sleepin'.

Along life's journey, I was given great pearls of wisdom.
Words to live by....I'll share some with you.

From my grandpa I learned to sit still and observe...I would learn a whole lot more about life.
He also told me that Children should speak when spoken to....I was a shy quiet child.

I got over that.

When I was born I had 8 grandmothers and 3 grandpas....meanin' there were 3 full couples but only 1 that slept together. I thought it was perfectly normal that once you got old, you got your own bed.
Something that I had looked forward to, becuz for as long as I can remember....which is about 4....I shared a bed with someone.

How far back can you remember??
I don't remember my mother wreckin' when I was 6 months old. That was back in the days when you just laid the baby in the seat.....Momma went in the ditch and I went into the floorboard justa squawlin'...so I'm told.
I remember makin' gingerbread cookies with her.
I remember her talkin' to her mother on the phone and passin' out and my grandmother screamin' at her thru the phone ....my mother had problems with seizures.
I remember sittin' in the floor cryin' as my grandmother came haulin' ass thru the door to help my momma.
I remember plannin' for my baby sister....that turned out to be a boy. I was 3 1/2! I was traumatized!!
That was when I learned you don't always get what you want....no matter who your daddy is! And my daddy, hung the moon!

When my Granny got chicks in the mail and 3 were dead. It upset me greatly. That was when I learned about death....though I didn't apply it to dogs or people. That, I would learn later the hard way.

I learned from a very early age that it was okay to be nekked.
But I was very confused that Granny and Gramps didn't run around their house nekked...so I asked why.
I learned several things from that!
Modesty....That a lady should always wear underwear....from my Granny.
Power...That my Granny had a lot of stroke over what went on our home....becuz the nekkedness came to an end!
And most importantly, That I shouldn't tell my Granny everything....that's what my Momma said!

So the question of why some of my grandparents didn't sleep in the same room, I kept to myself. I just observed.
Over the years I have come up with different theories.
Whether it be that one snored, a method birth control, or they got too big to sleep in the same bed, or if there was an actual martial problem that caused a split in the sleepin' arrangments...I just didn't know.

Once my Granny, she's my Daddy's momma....I'm very close to her.....she asked me about my momma's parents....If they slept in the same bed.
They did not.
She just smiled....like she knew a secret.

By the way, ice cream and Pepsi....go along way.
And Granny won every time!

So did your parents or grandparents sleep in the bed??

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Sleeping Habits...

Did you pick up on that wake up time??
1 freackin' 30!!!!

It's a problem I've had for years. I think it has lots to do with hormones.
And not the good ones that are fun....those ragin' teenage hormones that got me pregnant!
But the evil, nasty, and mean ones. The ones that drive SuperMoodyBitch!!
The ones that make me feel like I'm packin' around 50pound boobs!!
I got googled for that once.
Who would want that??
My sleepin' habits or lack of sleep is most certainly connected to my menstrual cycle. The closer I get to the magic date the less I sleep. It doesn't matter if I take a sleepin' aid or not....it just doesn't happen.
And I'm not comfortable at all. Everything hurts!
My hips, boobs, and even my hair hurts!

Add to that I am and always have been a light sleeper.
Sometimes the fan will blow my hair just the wrong way. That causes my brain to start thinking. "I have hair there!"
"Am I gonna hafta shave there too!?"
Once I wake up...I'm up! For hours!

And then to put the cherry on the top of my misery...Roy fidgets.
For years I put up with it....overlooked it becuz he's just awesome!
I worship the ground he walks upon.....and then he woke me up one night fidgetin'.
It's so bad that I counted one night how many times he moved. And compared to how many times I did.....it was like 35 to 1!!
And after I lost count of his movements at about 115, I had to say something.
"Honey." In a pleasant voice, "Would count how many times I move?"
He was real quiet.

"Honey, compare that number to the amount of times you move."
And he's real sharp. He didn't move another muscle!

That was 5 years ago.

But the other night, He musta had a lapse in sanity.
I'm not sure what happened but I woke up at 1 freakin' 30.
It wasn't long after that he started movin' his feet....not just a slide but a thump.
Every 3 seconds.
Thump!
Thump!
And then the rollin' started....he had his back to me.
Then he had his knees towards me.
And his back again.

He didn't know it....but he was sleepin' with SuperMoodyBitch!!

When he flipped the covers back at about 3am to get outta bed that was all she wrote.

SuperMoodyBitch flipped the covers back on her side and hit the floor before Roy.
He didn't say one word.
He backed up against the wall and hoped that SuperMoodyBitch didn't see him.
I think he was holdin' his breath, hopin' and prayin' that he would live thru whatever was about to happen!
Instead of rippin' him to shreds she went to pee.
He made a break for it....to live and fight another day....And sleep on the couch or watch TV or take a bath. I don't know, He just wasn't fidgetin' in my bed anymore!

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

The Chimney, Tizzys, And Home Repair...

Roy found a crack in the chimney. And instead repairin' the crack, he tore out the bricks....all the way down....thru the attic....the second story....to the living room!
He did this while I was gone.

It's best.

The first time....was when he ripped down the sheet rock .....and didn't use any sorta dust cover to cover my couch...or TV.
And he met me in the driveway....with a huge blushin' grin and he groveled with apologies!!!
The was 3 inches of dirt on my couch!!!

It was 2 years before I had insulation and sheet rock back up!
The 2nd time was when he ripped out the kitchen floor....remember....I fell thru it and well....he had to fix it.
And now this....Chimney thing. He covered stuff this time.

There was a Tizzy before we went to gym....I have been awake since 1 frickin' 30 and I was cranky!!!
There was a Tizzy when we went to Subway...I was tired of his belly achin'.
There was a Tizzy at Sutherlands....that I was not involved in....those are fun to watch.
There was a Tizzy at Lowes....I don't even know who started it!
No Tizzy at Hobby Lobby....he stayed in the pickup.
There was NO Tizzy at Home Depot.....But the clerk that helped us....was so hot!!!

Damn!!! Totally a Peyton Manning in a Home Depot vest!!!

At Atwood's....there was jubilation and an 'I told you so' becuz I was right....he finally saw it!!!
Stop for some Salad at the Olive Garden....to help his dispostion....it was that or I was gonna whup him with a 2x4!!

A return trip to Sutherland's becuz he thought he liked their product better and he wasn't gonna take any lip from that snippy clerk!!
I handled her. She didn't buck me.

But upon closer inspection without hostility he saw that what they had was crap....we don't do crap.
Another trip to Lowe's and $800 later we had what he wanted to fix my chimney.

It's supposed to rain.


Oh I Remember Now!!!

I have this friend.....and I'll use the word "friend" loosely!
I introduced her to the internet 5 years ago.
I felt sorry for her. Her hubby had done her dirty.
She was a mess.
I thought she would use the internet to keep in touch with me and meet people. After I had made so many friends I really encouraged to do it.
She didn't want to meet strangers thru the "net". The whole idea of talkin' to a total stranger that she couldn't see just really freaked her shit out!!

She didn't try to keep in contact with me....I get an email once about every 8 months.
She is still a mess....strung out on prescription pills.
She has met strangers online...none that she's actually physically met. When I do hear from her she tells me wild tales of online sex and offers of houses and motorcycles from strange couples.
I equate her online beaus as the Carnies of CyberSpace! They are felons and they will not send her any pix of themselves....though she has sent nasty pix of herself!!! To Frickin' Them!!!!

She will not talk to me when I'm online.
She talks to total strangers.
What's up with that???
She will not answer me when I "woo hoo" her to chat....And I think that's rude.
If I had a penis...she'd be all over me!!
She is currently sittin' on her PC beggin' for some one to chat with her.....I'll be damned if I do that!!!
I emailed her the other day to turn her on to Facebook....she needs to meet better people. She never answered it....to say Okay or no I don't want to do that.....anything would be better than freakin' nothing!!!!
That's just friggin' rude!!!!!
And why I didn't remember that was what I wanted to blog about yesterday was becuz I was answerin' my emails!!!!!!

Oh! Oh!!! OOOOOH!!!!!
And all this time I felt sorry for her becuz her husband had dumped for another woman.....she was still bangin' him so that he cheated on his current wife!!!
How twisted is that!!!

Monday, November 03, 2008

Blog Clog....

You know when I sat down here I had oodles of things running thru my brain but now.....nothing.
I have formed some the BEST BLOGS in the middle of the night. Sit down here.....nothing!
While walkin' on the treadmill....the thoughts just flow. As I sit here with my fingers on the keys...nothing!

And I think it will help to keep typing!!!

I'll be back when "Prepared."

And one last thing...Be Sure to Vote!!!

Friday, October 31, 2008

If You Weren't Certain.....

My Daughter sent me this.....And she said, "Don't let this happen to you!"

As if you didn't know what you were dealin' with!!

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Sooooo Creepy.....


Matronly Teacher Type Person.....I doubt she wears a red bra and thongs!!
But what's really scary...it looks like my mother.
eeeeecckkkk!!!!
Yearbook Yourself and email it to me.
Happy Halloween!!!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Me And My Opossums....

Roy said to tip toe to the back door and peek out. And this is what was out there.
I'm so happy.

He has white tipped ears.

The two I raised 4 years ago had white tipped ears. The other opossums that showed up to eat cat food had huge white faces with solid black ears. This one may be related to mine.


I'm a proud momma!!
The whole story...click here.



Friday, October 24, 2008

Shoe Shopping....

With Roy...it's like havin' Wisdom Teeth Pulled!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WITHOUT THE BENEFIT OF NOVOCAINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
While huntin', his feet get cold....like brick of ice!
He didn't know about Wool Socks!
He was in the Marine Corps and he didn't know about Wool Socks.
"Duh!!! Vietnam!!!", He said.
I've been married to him for like...... Ever!!!!!
And he didn't know about Wool Socks!!!!
I bought him wool socks!!!
Becuz I'm a good wife!!!!!!!!
But before I buy him the socks....he tried on boots.....something like 5 pair of boots.
Do you have any idea what it's like sittin' in Academy....a store that sells deer urine....while your husband tries on boots???
5 Pair???????
Sheer torture!!!
I think I'd rather take it up the ass than go boot shoppin' with him!!
Okay.... not.
Not with all the Tequila I can consume would I take it up the ass.
Not even dead.
But Boot Shoppin'.....a close second!!!!!!!
As I walked out the door with HIS NEW BOOTS....made in China......He tells the clerk, "We only came in here for a $20 pair."
I spent $288.12!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I found a pair of KennethCole Boots......at TJMaxx.....made in Italy....of the softest leather....ever.....that I DID NOT BUY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Merry Frickin' Christmas....Again!!!!!
PS: The comment section took a break yesterday....it should work today.
PPS: Maybe not!!!!!!
Hugs and have a great weekend!!

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Tomatoes, Peppers, and Basil...

That's all I have left!
And the weather is turnin' colder! I have been threatened with freezin' temps!!
I was hopin' to have them until November but the weather rules the garden.
The tomatoes are romas and they are the best, most durable tomato. The beefsteak are only good the first growth. If the rain is good, I might get more. The romas are constant for me. Roy puts them in the ground with mushroom compost and I add a basil plant. I think they grow better...bigger.


Roy doesn't get the basil plant...."Just go with it."
It smells so good to pick them. And I have it for Italian Salsa! I will add it instead of cilantro...so good!!
This time of year, pickin' tomatoes.... it's like huntin' Easter eggs!!
90% of the tomatoes in that box were picked up off the ground!
Sweet bell peppers...in cages.

The Pepper plants have had the hardest life this year. I bought 6 plants. Roy planted them. About 1 week later, something ate them all to the ground.


I was headed to town to buy some more when Roy said to go look in the garden. There they were startin' to regrow!! I was so thankful. I have the hardest time with peppers becuz they are never marked right! The longer into the season you wait to buy, the more the markers in the store gets mixed up.


gypsy peppers...I love these....some are yellow, some are orange and some are red.


Then the hail storm beat the whole garden to the ground but the tomatoes. We put them cages so they had support.
Italian Gourmet....I love these. Not hot at all, sweet like a bell. Roy didn't put this one in a cage so the weight of the peppers keep it on the ground...in the sand!

The hailstorm hit those peppers....wiped out again!!
Roy gave up on the garden all together so I wasn't about to buy more seeds or plants. Just forget it.


But when the peppers started to bloom....They exploded!!!
Garden Salsa....these are hot! A long lasting heat!!

They are loaded with peppers!!! I'm thinkin' about just pullin' the whole plant up and dryin' it out as is.

The hot peppers that I really like is this one....
but I have no idea what the name is? I told Roy to put the marker in the ground with them but they had such a hard time...it was lost!
This pepper is hot but it doesn't last long. It's hard to describe...I can eat it raw but it doesn't burn like jalapenos or cayenne.
It smokes well too. I use this one more for fresh salsa and on sandwiches.....totally fabulous on grilled cheese!! It perks up fat free cheese.
I should save the seeds of those.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

I Have Got To This Out.....

Am I the only person on the face of the earth that didn't like the latest Batman movie??
Seriously!!
I bought into all the hype about it.....Not just to see Heath Ledger. I thought he was good.....especially in the nurses outfit....I'm quirky that way.

It's supposed to be good.
Critics love it!!!

But the movie as a whole....I didn't like it.

Do you remember when the Joker threw that woman...I'll never remember her name...the love interest.....out the window and Batman went out the window after her???
Remember that??
Bruce Wayne was throwin' a fundraiser in the penthouse for Harvey Dent???
Well, the Joker crashed the party and threw that woman out the window and Batman went out the window after her.....fallin' many stories to the land on the top of cab....saved from death yet again.
Right.
The whole time that was goin' on....my brain was still in the penthouse....where the Joker was with all the party guest!!!
He's the frickin' Joker!!!
And he was left alone with those people in the penthouse!!!
Come on!!!
He would have been throwin' more people out the window!!!
But no!!
They cut away to another scene....That has nothing to do with the party in the penthouse.
What?? The Joker just said, "Okay men let's bounce up outta here."
He's a psychopath!! That would have been a total massacre!!

I was so hung up on that....I couldn't focus on the rest of the movie.

And breakin' the BatLight.....I'll never watch another one.

Sorry, I've had that rattlin' around in my head for months....I had to get it out.

I feel better.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Let's Talk About Movies...

Last week, we saw "Appaloosa".
I loved it.
Roy too.
And I think to like it you have to like westerns. It's the typical plot of the bad rancher runnin' over a small town and 2 men come to town to clean it up.
I LOVE VIGGO!!!!
And then a woman comes to town. She seems to catch everyone's eye but goes for the biggest stallion in the herd....Renee Zelleweger plays the part well.
And I think I might have to rethink her playin' in the story of life. I stood in the mirror for 10 minutes tryin' real hard to see her....she looked so blotched and puffy. I really had to screw my face up to get that!!

Anyone else see it??
What do you think??

Friday, October 17, 2008

Top 3 Reasons Why I Love The Gym...

3 reason why I hate the gym was just too easy!!
1) I sweat!
2) There are smelly men!
3) I have to shave my legs.....more than usual.


But the Top 3 Reasons Why I Love The Gym....

1) I am shapin' up quite nicely.....but no where near that golden number of 122. Shapin' up nicely, becuz I sweat. Everyone sweats at the gym! It's okay.
Not at all like in Church....where I sweat like the proverbial whore!
That's me.... the harlot in the red bra!

2) There are some hot guys....and they know Roy!!
Cha Ching!!!
But alas....they know the rules...."Wives are left alone. PERIOD."
Though I have met one.....professionally. It stings a bit when I get the "Slow your HappyAss down" Speech from some other cop!
But Damn!!!! Young Squire, is fine!
I don't see how MzAngie does it....workin' with all those men!
I would have to take a cold shower before work.....go home and take another at lunch.
And Katie bar the door....after work...I'd have to spend some quality time with Hitachi....my Japanese Boyfriend!

But me and Roy's friends....we smile at each other from across the room....if only Young Squire would get closer....to smell him.....and I hope I didn't forget to shave legs that day.

And as I'm pedalin' away and day dreamin' about Young Squire in my pool....in his speedo....and he would look fine in it.....listenin' to "Boogie Back To Texas".....Hey! A girl's gotta some sorta swing in her life!!!
I'm mindin' my own business, when I catch a whiff of that smelly old man!!
Oh crap!!
Ben Gay and sweat....sometimes coffee mingled in....so gross!!
SmellyMan... makes think of that SocklessMan that followed me around Walmart!!
Roy says that the smelly old man just wants to talk to me....gross!
SmellyMan apparently doesn't care if I shave my legs or not!
Seriously, he just wants to ask me about something related to the news and politics!
Do I look like I know anything about the news or politics????

I'm polite.
I chat.
Anyway....If it was Young Squire.....oooohhhh Baby!!

3) There are no cute chicks!!
I don't think I need elaborate on that one!

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Altercation on Aisle 9!

So I was standin' in the hair color aisle at WalMart when Bad To Bone started playin'.

"Bbbbad, bbbbab to the Bone"....as I dug out my cell phone. That's Roy's ringtone.
"Dude?"
"Where are you?"
"On the Hair Color Aisle."

From somewhere deep in the Lawn and Garden section...and on my phone, "NNNOOOooo!"

And before I could spit out the word, "But!" I could hear him comin'!!
He had managed to dodge several little old ladies and leap over a child to materialize in front of me...to wrestle the box of MzClairol from my hands. He was spittin' out words thru gritted teeth, "I'll! Pay! Extra! Drop the box!!!!!"

Then he proceeded to push me and my cart away from the "danger zone"....mumblin' somethin' about my lack of abilities to bake and there was no way I was puttin' chemicals on my hair!!

Oh, He'll pay alright...He'll pay!!

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

It's Been Confirmed!!

Roy is fit as a fiddle!

The local tribe had a fitness clinic this last weekend...free flu shots....games for the kids...and free stuff from some of the local groups. I came home with pencils, toys for the cats, and pamphlets on all sorts of things.
I had the opportunity to wear the beer goggles and drive the golf cart....I was first in line!
But I was the only adult in a long line of CHILDREN!!
Roy made me leave.
All the kids cheered.
Brats!!
It's not like I outran them or wrestled them to the ground or anything!

So anyway.....

When I was in line with the old people for my free blood pressure check....Roy felt better that I was in that line....he flirted with the old ladies. One of them has made a date with him to be taught how to use her gun.

My blood pressure was good.....my resting heart rate was too high. I'm like a humming bird.
And that was the only good news for me!
I had my body mass index done. I was very happy to know that I have not shrunk in fact I grew!
I was so happy!!
I finally made it to 5 foot!!! It's I life long dream...to be 5 foot!
And to touch the foot of the Tom Landry statue at Texas Stadium.

Woo Hoo!! 5 foot!!
Let the pigeons fly!!!

And then Roy said, "That's not right! I measured 5' 11" and you know I'm not!"
Gather back up the pigeons.

That scale thingy measurer doodad was not worked properly by the TechChick.
So it makes me wonder about the rest.
Should I really weigh 122??
Keep in mind that I'm 4 foot 11".
And I swear she said I needed to drink 30.5 liters of water!
Roy said, "No, No, no. Do you know how much water that is??"
Numbers do not register with me....I'm glad I quit takin' accountin' classes becuz seriously folks numbers do not make sense. I have that slight dyslexia problem, you know.
He continued, "That's how much water is in your body, you twit!"

Whatever!

But 122???
I haven't been 122 in 20 years!!!
In high school I was so thin, I wore a size 0! And weighed something like 95 pounds.
Remember those ABC AfterSchool Specials? They were neat little shows about drugs, teen pregnancy and eatin' disorders. It was in the same week that the special about anorexia was aired that two boys that I had known since kinnygarden staged an intervention with me in the library. My friend, ThePrincess was with me and cracked up laughin'! "Are you kiddin' me? She eats all of her meal and half of mine at lunch! She's not anorexic!"
Their heart was in the right place.

But that's not the really bad news that I got from the free clinic....my total cholesterol is 229!!
That's bad!!!
I'll have it redone in December when I go in for my yearlies...until then it's oatmeal every morning.

And Roy's was perfect!
He's hit his goal weight.
His blood pressure is good.
His glucose is good.
And his cholesterol is perfect!
Fit as a fiddle!

And he has a date....with a BeeHiveLady!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Road Trip Nightmare.....

So Roy and I went on a road trip. We stopped along the way at a diner for a bite to eat....it was a beautiful area in the middle of Nowhere, USA. When we do a Road Trip it's to Nowhere.
Across the road was a garage that had old rebuilt customized cars out front. One of the was beautiful Orange 34 Ford with a huge chrome motor out front and huge tires in the back.
Why didn't I have my camera with me??
I always have it!!
Not this trip!!
As we were standin' there lookin' at the cars, a guy comes up and gets in the Orange Ford. He starts it up and takes off like a shot! He's cuttin' donuts and havin' a great time! Gravel flyin', smokin' tires and loud motor growlin'!!
Why didn't I have my camera??
Why??
When he was done, he parked the car in a different spot.....hopped out with a huge opossum eatin' shit grin.
That musta been a great feelin'.... To have all that power in your hands.

And then everything went to Hell.

That beautiful car started to roll backwards! Panic was all over his face now. Roy ran to help him stop the car.
There was a deep ravine behind the car. There was no stoppin' it. It just kept rollin'. That beautiful Orange Car didn't stop until it hit the top of a dam at the bottom of the ravine.
We all just stood there lookin' at it.
People scrambled from everywhere.
They had to get it out of there!
The dam opened it up and dashed all our hopes of gettin' that car back in one piece. The Water pushed it and the car went on over the edge and was gone.
The ground started to shake.
It was the weirdest frickin' thing ever. It was all happenin' at once.
I stepped backwards to keep from goin' down the ravine like the car only to step into a deep crack.
I started screaming for Roy!!
I couldn't move my legs!!
He grabbed my arms and pulled me to safety!!


And then I woke up!!

I have been wonderin' all mornin' long, what the hell that was all about????

Sunday, October 12, 2008

The Cat's Outta The Bag!!

HappyWife called me to tell me about what happened after we went to the DonkeyTonk. I was worried that she took all kinds of flack for it. Him sittin' across the table from me in a huff, I knew she would!
HappyHusband was miffed that she bullied him in to goin'...It's his place to make decisions... he's an ass!
And then she said, "Roy told him that you didn't like him very much."

HOLY SHIT!!

Now this bothers me to some degree....actually a lot!!
I don't want to offend her or lose her friendship for any reason.
But Holy Shit!!
Roy said it!!
I can't say he's a liar!!
So I fessed up. "No I don't. He acts like a baby about everything."

She just giggled.

Good.

Next up for killin'....Roy!
"Honey, you told HappyHusband that I didn't like him??!"
"Yes I did."
"What....Why??"
"He said, 'Your wife doesn't like me very much does she?' and I told him that you didn't. 'She says I don't like strong women, so it's sorta like that.' "

Oh shit!

So now HappyHusband thinks I don't like him becuz he's a strong man....That's even worse!

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Oh How The Mighty Fall!!

UGH!!!

Roy said, "Don't watch that game! You know you'll be disappointed!"

But no, I did.

Congrats, Texas. You played well.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Vlad The Diet Barbarian's Weakness...

"Honey, which arm is the Heart Attack arm?"
He shows a bit of concern.
"It's the left one."
"Oh good! I have a shootin' pain in my right."
He rolls his eyes.

We have had this conversation about every 6 months since 1995. We had these little chats more often since he's dragged my fat ass to the gym.

"Honey, I have pain in my left arm."
He shows a bit of concern.
"Is it a sharp shootin' pain?"
"No. It's more like a achin' throbbin' pain in my elbow."
Sometimes when I have groomed a lot of dogs...it's my wrist!
He rolls his eyes...I rely on him.
He is EMT trained.
"If you didn't loll about like Jabba the Hut you wouldn't have that."

I rolled my eyes.....Jabba!
He'll sing a different tune when I have that gold swimsuit on!!

"Honey, I have a sharp shootin' pain in my left arm and I feel faint."
He goes on point.
I fainted on him once so he's very cautious of the word "faint" when I say it.

He was his fault!

Okay, he had us diet kick once in the past.
He bought all of us bicycles.
And we all had those odd honkin' horns....it was like a flock of sick geese ridin' bikes.
One day he came up with the bright idea of takin' us to the lake....better yet below the dam...which means there is HUGE HILL....HUGE FUCKIN' HILL!!!
Down... I had no problem.
Up...HUGE PROBLEM!!
He said to use the different speeds on my bicycle...what???
I've only ridden a one speed!!
I'm the only speed!!! Though the bike had 5!
So up the hill we went.
The girls hung with me....worried that their momma would not make it.
BUT.....If they're momma made it, they could!
Roy rode way ahead of us.
I pedaled like the Wicked Witch of the East!
And I was worried I wouldn't make it.
I'm not the most physically fit person...EVER!
Heart problems run in my family!

So I make to the top of the hill...Iwill live!!
Woo fuckin' hoo!!

And then it happened.

I went about a quarter of a mile and I stopped dead in my tracks.
"Honey!"
Roy stopped.
Turned.
"What?"
"I can't see."

He musta caught me just before I hit the pavement.

All I remember was some Angel sayin' "Walk this way." and guidin' me towards the light!

I opened my eyes to see a man that had panic on his face becuz his future wife just passed out.
Two little girls that had watched their momma die.
One of their teachers.
2 people from the diner across the road.
And 3 men I have no idea who they were.

The teacher loaded me in her car and took me and the girls home.
Roy rode his bike home....we were 5 miles from home.

We passed the ambulance on the way home. Someone from the diner had called them to come out for the woman that had collapsed on the side of the road.

Totally Roy's fault!! We never went back to the dam.

This whole gym.....fitness center thing.....So far so good.

Roy watches me in the gym.
He doesn't push me.
When I say "I'm done"....I'm done.
When I say "I feel faint"...he stops whatever he's doing and gets ready to catch me.
Once while at WalMart...years ago....He had me on one on these yo-yo diets...I felt faint.
The lights went dark.
I was goin' down.....I thought I was.
Roy wouldn't even chit chat with his FanClub!
He has one....groupies...of a sort.
It's really cool....I wish I could tell you more about it.

But... He knew he had to be ready to catch me.

I am his kryptonite!

So how have I lost 15 pounds??
The gym and a diet of 1500 calories.
And the love of a really great guy.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Catch Up!



Oct 1, Roy went to the woods loaded for bear...well deer anyway.... and it was with his crossbow....shoulder injury.... he uses a crossbow.
He came home empty handed.
And Pissed off.
And has been belly achin' about cows being under his stand.


I've had him to town at least 6 times...he's missed lots of huntin'!! I took pity on him and bought him a smoker.
He's happy.
And I get to eat real food....though I have lost 15 pounds.
10 more would be super...15 would awesome.
Roy has lost thirty frickin' five pounds!

He's been gettin' his black powder gun ready to go and workin' on his boyfriend's gun. I think that season opens in 2 weeks.

OU is Number One in polls for College Football!!
And they are Number One at being Number One....so cool.
They keep stats for every thing.
OU's first big challenge is this weekend...Texas at the CottonBowl for the Red River ShootOut. They changed the name of that to Rivalry...but I just can't say Red River Rivalry.
It comes out Red River Rye-ver-ree...whatever!

Have a great weekend all!

Saturday, October 04, 2008

Donkey Tonks, DumbAss's, And A Little White Dress...

Roy and I were invited to a dinner party Friday night. I gotta call and an invite from PartyWife. Roy likes her husband...PartyHubby...not so much her.
It's her birthday and she wanted to get all her friends together for dinner and then afterwards go a bar.
She said, "You can bring a dessert."
Holy Shit!
I don't do desserts.
Ddoes that put me in charge of the friggin' birthday cake??

Oh the pressure!

Roy and I made a booze run to Sam's and there was the cake...in the bakery....I got a blister from lookin' for it....so some blood was lost over the cake.

But that isn't really the heart of this tall tale....

I keep Roy on a "Need to Know" status.
And I tell him in spurts....he has to think things over.
I told him we were goin' to a dinner party....he didn't want to go.
Then I told him it was a birthday party...he was mullin' it over.
Then I told him I was in charge of the cake....he couldn't say no now!!
But I didn't tell him about the after dinner festivities.
I would hold that detail out until the day of the party.
Roy and bars...don't mix.
All those years of being a cop....sorta tarnished him. He was one of those cops that sat outside the bars and threw the drunk's car keys on the roof of the bar. That was much easier than draggin' their asses to jail.

The HappyWife and her hubby was invited also.
He absolutely DID NOT WANT TO GO TO THE BAR.
He didn't want his wife in a bar.
Takin' his wife and me to a tittybar was a good idea?
Roy's reason I could see.
HappyHusband...no.
I could not.

And being the complete and total Jackass that he is...he told Roy!!


So Roy says to me, "What do you know about the dinner party?"
I knew right then I had to tell him the whole thing.
And in my own way.

No Sex Was Used to Get My Way....I reserve that for shoes.

He would do just about anything for HappyWife. He taught her to ride her motorcycle. HappyHusband didn't want her to know so she would hafta ride with him.
I told Roy that HappyHusband was attemptin' to keep his wife from havin' fun. He wants so badly to be her father and tell her what she can and can not do.

And Roy sided with me!!!
Like Duh!!

The dinner party was a success.
The cake was fabulous!
And we all loaded up and went to the bar.
HappyWife laughed and had a great time while her husband sat there with his arms folded across his chest poutin'!
HappyWife said, "You wouldn't be happy if I came in here nekked would you!"

We all laughed and had a great time....How can you not??

PartyWife was tryin' to pull HappyHusband outta his funk by tellin' him his wife has a great ass. And I nodded my head in agreement.
Which made HappyWife blush.
So I took it one step further, "Okay Let's vote. Everyone that thinks HappyWife has a great ass, raise your hands!"
We raised our hands....even Roy.
Which made her blush again!
She realized that he had check it out!
But HappyHusband...didn't raise his hand!


Oh, oh.... the little white dress.....it was sheer with a slip under it and it was EXTREMELY SHORT!!
PartyWife kept tellin' her "Do Not Bend Over!"

It managed to hold our attention most of the night.
It became a game. How long will it take before we get to see her panties?
Honestly, it was super cute being worn by a super cute gal.
Power to her for being able to pull it off. I would never be able to wear it.
I don't tan.
And my legs are never gonna be that long!
I won the game though!
I saw her panties first.
That little slip just didn't do its job.

Moral of the Story: Don't try to be your wife's father. And wear longer dresses!!

Friday, October 03, 2008

When I Am Queen Of The World....


I will pass a law that states that NO ONE....ROY FREAKIN' HIGHTOWER....will set the frickin' alarm to go off at 6AM to go to the flippin' gym!!!

That NO ONE...ME..... Should be force to get up after drinkin' an entire bottle of Red Wine to go workout at 6 friggin' AM!!!!


The night before, he said, "The cork won't go back in! Guess we'll have to drink it!"


Apparently, his half of the bottle didn't give him a huge fuckin' headache!!

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Is It Wrong?


I burst into tears...almost every time.
When Roy refers to being 60...in fact tears are on edge now.
I do not want him to be 60.
He won't be for 2 years.
Okay, I'll go away....again.
I'm a mess.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Bitches, Booze and BBq...

Roy's friend, MrBiggy, and said, "Let's go to Bikes, Blues, and BBq."
Roy said, "Sure thing."

And then there was a pause...a long pause.....While both men thought about the next question but neither really wanted to ask, "Is your wife comin' alone with you?"

One them "Manned Up" and asked. MrBiggy's wife had to work. So I would be the "odd man out".

There were several other phone calls that had to be made to invite others and one very important one....MrBiggy said, "Do you care if my wife comes along?"
He's an idiot!
MrsBiggy had some time built up and so she decided to ride along....Thank all that is good and Holy!
I don't like being the "odd man out" with those two....been there done that and I don't like to keep secrets from MrsBiggy!! It's just wrong of them to put in that situation!

We loaded up early....8Am..Just the 2 couples....and headed to Fayetteville, Arkansas. It was a cool mornin' and I was wishin' I had wore my full face helmet!

But after week got there the leather was peeled off!



MrsBiggy is an educated refined 58yr old woman. I had to reign in my Nadine-ness quite a bit.
No cussin'.
No drinkin'.
But we did laugh a lot and oogled men....it was only fair.

That store is called Condom Sense!!
The men watched the bikes roll and babes stroll....and I don't any pix of them!
MrBiggy a bit on the cheapside...and hit every free hot dog stand there was. I was told steak and got a weiney!
We did eat some pretty good BBq....Can't hardly go to a BBq rally and not have some!!
I even graced the campus of the University of Arkansas. We wandered up there lookin' for more bikin' stuff. MrsBiggy asked a very nice and helpful young man where everything was ....all down on Dickson Street.
If the traffic had not been so heavy I woulda stood on the Hog and taken a picture but I'm kinda a funny about being run over.
And I have looked all over the internet...sorta...I'm not gonna spend all day lookin' for a pix of it....Geez it was neat and I can't believe I couldn't one!!
Next time....I'll risk it!!
There was talk about going back next year and stayin' a couple of days.
It was a good way to spend a nice fall day.