Sunday, September 30, 2007

Say That Again?

Did I Not Hear You Correctly???

"Well I am out of my stand, walkin' around."
"Did you see any deer?"
"8. All Does. Did you see the cars go by with the sirens?"
"Yes. Must be a wreck. The first went by so fast, it out ran the siren and the two behind him were CountyMounties and the ambulance was behind him. The fifth one was County also. You can hear them?"
"Oh yes it's real quiet out here. I am just out walkin' around and I have my cell phone on. See you later."
The Fire and Rescue and one HighwayPatrol went by. I'll call him and let him know.

"Oh Really! There is NO more peace and quiet NOW! That just scared all the deer away."
What???
Did I miss something??
Was that not an open invitation to call him if I wanted????

"You said you were walkin' around and you had your cell phone on, I took that as I could call you when I wanted to!!"
"I am on stealth mode!! And I am being very quiet."

Apparently Not!!

You say turn on the vibe....that would take an act of congress and two pages to get it done!
He is a technophob! It took him THE longest time to figure out how to turn off the speaker phone function without me!!

There went the ambulance back into town....I think I will call him!!!

Test Run....

Just to see what it does.....



video

It's a start!

Saturday, September 29, 2007

What Was That???

Do you hear it???

A tremor in the force....a collective scream from every member of the Sooner Nation!!!

Davy....

Davy Crockett...King of the Wild Frontier.....

Black Powder Season opens Saturday!!
For Deer Hunters that means something...for the rest of us.....it's a break from cranky old bastards that have been trouncin' on my last nerve for the last 4 days!!!

Roy is still beggin' and scrappin' for his behavior over the weekend.
But none the less, He is goin' hunting Saturday with his muzzle loader and hunt deer just like Davy Crockett....I don't think it's a flintlock but it's an old style gun....or is it Daniel Boone???
Most blackpowder hunters have a modern muzzle loader that looks like a regular rifle.
Roy is a bit more conventional...he is downright too Republican for my own good!!!
He fires that thing and it looks just like those old guns with the smoke risin' from it....he is very proud of it!
I honestly, don't know a whole hell of a lot about it......but this is what was said this am:
As Roy was gettin' dressed, "The boys can't believe I still use 50 caliber rounds balls with my blackpowder. You can't find them just anywhere!"

"WooHoo!!! A trip to Bass Pro!! You need those. Ohhh wait, we can't do that by Saturday. Rats!" I gave an effort to be supportive....don't be fooled....a trip to Bass Pro means I get to go to the Mall!!!!!
Roy is still deep in thought, "I have round balls!"
I nearly choked on my oatmeal trying to squelch it!!!
"Honey, I beg to differ. They're more egg shaped."

Happiness, Boobs and Alcohol....

Damn Studies!!!

2 different stories in the news this week...Men are happier than women.
I not sure I understand that and how they knew that...until I heard about women and booze.
Apparently women have a greater chance of developin' breast cancer from drinkin' alcohol!!
No wonder men are happier!!!

Roy announced that we have to "protect those Puppies".....NO MORE BOOZE!

Let's see how long That SurlyBastard lasts!

Friday, September 28, 2007

Another Thing to Think About!!

I was thinking about Class Reunions....My 25 year one is next up!
Ugh!!

25 years!!
I didn't go back to my 10 yr Class Reunion. Money....divorce....dating issues...ROY.....kept me from going.

So by the time we hit our 20 Yr mark, I was at a place that I was good with me and I wanted to see these people again. Remember the past....revel in their successes.....sympathize with their losses and heartbreaks but frankly, I want to see if the mean girls got fat!!
I was a total tomboy and was out to prove that I was just as tough as the boys were. I have grown out of that!
So I had a lot of guy friends that have always treated me like a little sister. They pretty much still do! Roy doesn't quite have a handle on that one.
One of the more nerdy boys......you know the one.....the thick glasses....braces......and so skinny he could blow away in the high winds, grew up to be a hottie! Me and my mouth announced that fact. He just blushed and gave me a hug. I hope he didn't take too much flack from his wife.........BUT He is Hot!!!
The HOT GUY in school, the BMC..........was in prison on drug charges. Now how does a guy that has the world at his feet wind up in prison? So Sad!
All the girls that I was a cheerleader with greeted me with open arms. WE had our differences back then and apparently, we all grew up well adjusted.........okay, it was all fake but it felt good at the time!!
I was the only one that was already a grandparent. Thank you for that, Eudora Mae!

Seriously, a person gets nostalgic and wants to relive the glory days if only for a little bit. Some have died and you just want to hold on to those that are still around. Those people have know you since kindergarten. Those people are the ones you shared your first dance with. I got swats with some of them. We had a great time as teens. They touched my life and I wanted to see how they faired in their lives.


And to see if the mean girls got fat!!

Now, 25 years later....They want to get together again!! In the 5 years that went by, NOT ONE OF THEM EVER EMAILED ME!!! well, that's not entirely true.....I have 4 that email me....3 of them didn't even go to the 20th!

I treasure those 4!
We tease, nag, support and give comfort when it's needed.

One is one of the boys I got swats with, One is one of the boys that kept me from gettin' my ass kicked by an upperclassman, One is the NerdyBoyTurnedHottie...damn he's hot!! For that matter, all 3 are hot!!

And one is my BFF! I have known her since back before we got boobs!!


I'm not so sure I want to go back this time....I have to think about it!

All Children....

Need to Leave the Room!!!
Ball Puller....Just Guess!!
Bore Butter...all Natural.....Non-Toxic....Edible!!
Breach Plug......Say it slowly!!!
And Repeat it over and over......Very Slowly!!
Breach Plug Lube....very handy for that Breach Plug!!
Red Hot Nipple.......Self-Splanitory.....Ricky!!
Also said slowly.....and compare to the other Nipples.
And last but not least....Bow Cocking Aid!!

"What?" Roy says as he walks away.....shakin' his head!
"Aid for your Cock!"

These and many other items can be found in your local hunting store for the DEVOTED Hunter....and for the LoonyWife to make fun of said Hunter.....with a few customers and store employees watching!!!

Do you know they make Condoms for Muzzle Loaders????
That's what it looked to me!!!!

Thursday, September 27, 2007

One Weekend....

Shot to......Hello!!!!
Wednesday night, Muzzleloader season came to an end at the Hightower home......Don't shed tears!
When Blackpowder season started, Roy was thinking about gettin' a modern muzzleloader as his is like Davy Crockett's. It is getting hard to find the tools and supplies that he needs for his gun.
Until the other night, when this trusty old style gun took down two deer!!
He shot a doe first.......He thought he was done for the night when out walked a buck trailin' her!
Imagine, if you will, a man sitting in a box stand in the fence line staring at a 180# 10 point buck....with an empty gun!!!!
He is a very passionate man about everything he does.
EVERYTHING!!
He practiced speedloading that muzzleloader....which means the Bear is on his feet and coming down on the hunter and He has got to reload in a hurry!! Many test fires and many attempts were made!
His hard work paid off!! He took that buck down too.
Have you ever seen a man walking on clouds???
There is no way he would replace that gun!! Old Style or not, it is reliable!!

And then he said after we cleaned them up and carted them over to the processor, "Well my Weekend is shot to hell!"

Oh Poor Baby!!

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Dodging Bullets!

Life in the World of Hightower is a bit slow.....No great adventures.
Roy has quit hunting until the 18th. He getting his stand ready in the mean time. He and his buddy worked all day Sunday on their stands...That buddy helped Roy load up those last two deer and that was all it took for the Buddy to get BuckFever!
Later....Roy was reclined on the couch, deep in thought as I watched TV....Out of the blue he said, "Hunting is better than sex!"
WHAT????
"Have you lost your mind???? You are so full of shit!"

Needin' to dig his way out this hole he has just opened up........he knows who butters his bread!
This is not the first time he has fell into that hole.....he knows he needs to think quickly.....once as he was watching the PlayboyChannel....Thinking OUTLOUD, "Those are THE most PERFECT boobs, EVER!"
I looked down at my NOT SO PERFECT BOOBS...."What makes the perfect boobs?"
"AAAAAaahhhh.....I mean fake ones...those are perfect fake ones.....she got a bargain!"

So back to the Current slip of the lip....."AAAaaaahhhhh....Hunting lasts way longer that sex!"

He can't pin that on me........And One More Bullet...Dodged!!!

The Flashlight Controversy....

Bigger is better right??
Heavy with a lot of power???
LONG and easy to grip????


Flashlights!!
Think Flashlights!


For years, Roy carried a big black flashlight that was issued by TheCopLords. It came in handy for night time stops, lookin' for drugs in the ditch, or the occasional rowdy drunk. He loved that flashlight. When he retired he didn't get to keep it. So for years he was always looking for THE Perfect flashlight as a replacement.
WE HAVE LOTS!!!
Mostly spotlights....million candlepower...that have to charged.....that don't last very long...becuz they are crap...and I AM NOT ALLOWED TO TOUCH THEM!!!!!!
Every time we went to some sort of MAN STORE, he would find one. Some huge monster that he lovingly caressed like I do the perfect shoe. It would boast about 2 million candlepower or 4 billion...who gives a shit!!
And damn the cost...he had to have it.
It's very important to have a good one.....for keepin' the place secure.....he's a "security man".....he takes nightly walks around the property to make sure all his belongings are okay and in their rightful place. Those bazillion candlepower thingys didn't make the entire trip!
But most importantly, I am not to use one....and it doesn't matter how badly I need to use one...I am not to touch it!
I run the battery down....duh!!!
So I bought my own....just a cheap $3 flashlight that I can use to my heart's content! Funny thing is, he uses it too!!!
There is some sort of double standard at work here....so unfair!!

While at a gun show, he heard the music....you know the music.....the music that comes down from the heavens when you find THE PERFECT item you have been wantin' forever....that music....I hear it with purses and shoes.
He hears it with guns, flashlights, tools, large handtools, boobs, huntin' products, fishin' products, lawn equipment, chainsaws, water hoses, and log chains!
The music was playin' his tune on THE FLASHLIGHT the one that was issued by THECOPLORDS!!!
Again.....Damn the cost, he had to have it!!!
It stands on the kitchen cabinet ready to grab when needed! For any and all manly things that need to be looked at with the ALL POWERFUL MEGA FLASHIGHT!!
In the mean time, becuz of the CONSTANT use of MY itty bitty flashlight....I'm all about the small battery operated things.....flashlights and pocket rockets.....many pocket rockets...they should really test those things better...my battery goes dead!

Now if you are still with me, I will get to the "meat and potatoes" of this whole rant....... I have been using his flashlight!!
SIN OF ALL SINS!!!

I was lookin' for shoes under the bed.
Upstairs goin' thru the Museum lookin' for something.
Under my desk straightin' out shit.
Lookin' for stuff in the cabinets.

He caught me!!!
"What are you doin' with MY FLASHLIGHT!?!?"
"But mine is dead!"

Seriously, people you would have thought he caught in bed with the neighborman!!!

He promptly put a new battery in mine.

Well, last night, He had a problem that needed my attention.....I had to look at something that he can't see....one of those things that if you were a contortionst, you could see it with the right mirror....well I get to look at it!
"Let me get my flashlight so I can see better." and I went to my desk.
He went to the kitchen and grabbed the ALL POWERFUL MEGA FLASHLIGHT.
I had to laugh!
"You ass! Becuz it's a problem YOU have, I GET USE YOUR Flashlight??"
"Yes but only this one time."

Men!!!

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Humor Me!!

Vote!!
I am curious about why people blog.
See it??? In the upper right hand spot....Yeah there!!

I Think I Understand....

I may not totally believe it but I think I understand!
Let's remember that we are talking about a simple man that made a simple request for his birthday...To go to the TittyBar for dollar LapDances.
He didn't ask to go to Montana and hunt Elk and Bear but wanted nekked boobs....knowing how he feels about hunting and all.
Not one word about Moose hunting in Canada or buying gear to duck hunt.....he wanted nekked boobs and lap dances.

Odd isn't??

With a loll in the hunting action, he keeps his senses sharp by watching the hunting shows on TV....by himself....knowing how he feels about hunting I thought he might want to be alone......and the fact that I make fun of the shows......they are about shooting farm raised deer and call it hunting.

That is just wrong!!

I couldn't stand it any longer and had to watch it.
This man was in a tree stand and was looking for that MONSTER BUCK...The one with a rack that is 3 foot wide and has 12 points on each side and two that point to the ground......now let me tell you that if a deer manages to get that big in the wild....That is some real TOUGH eatin'!!!
That's an OLD DEER!!!
So we all know that he is only being killed for that rack!
Weeeellll....now guess what comes lumbering out of the woods....that same buck...that mangy old buck with the MONSTER RACK!!!!
The man in the tree, could barely contain himself!!!
I could barely contain myself!!
I mean really!!

That deer sniffed around and pick up on all the doe urine the HUNTER had put out ....you know you can buy that stuff!!! That deer was 5 feet from that man when he shot him with his bow and arrow!!!
I have never seen a grown man act that way!! It was amazing!!
"Roy, do you do that when you make a kill?"
"Yes, but not as demonstrative as he is.....he could cum at any minute!"

No freakin' kiddin'!!!
I get it!!!

Hunting may be better than sex for men!!!

I can't wait to tell you about him wanting me to go to film him!!!!

Monday, September 24, 2007

The Teeth Whitenin' Incident...

I have been asked numerous times, "You wake up in a new world everyday, don't you?"

That would be a big fat yes!!
And so it goes.....

For several months, I have been mullin' over whether or not I was willin' to pony up for those easy to use teeth whitening strips. They are so freakin' expensive!!!
Cheaper than the bleachin' the dentist wants to do...they are always wantin' to do something that the insurance doesn't pay for...just dig in my pocket!!
And have you seen those freakishly white teeth that some people sport???
OOOh soooo scary!
Roy has tried many different toothpastes....you should see his drawer!! I dug around in it lookin' for medicine and pulled out 4 tubes of that crap!
None of it works!!
So I goofed around long enough for Listerine to come out with that mouthwash that foams and helps to whiten teeth...it's loaded with peroxide... just a capful.....swish it around, spit, brush and go!
Easy Squeasy!!!
Roy decided that it was burning his tongue.
Well Hellfire!!! We can't have that!! Call out National Security his tongue is burnin'!!
I saw a commercial about a woman that gets on an elevator and puts in her teeth whitenin' strip and presto chango...she gets out of the elevator with fresh breathe and a whiter smile!! That looks like the thing to do!!!
$26 later and armed with all the EasyStrips I will need. I have had 1/2 bottle of WineSlushie and feelin' no pain....all giggles and shits.....so to speak.
I am ready to try them out! I sat down on the couch...I can do this while I watch the OSU Cowboys put it on Texas Tech!!!
First, get them out of the package....3 attempts.....One with out glasses, one with a cat on my chest and tryin' to drape over my shoulder and around my neck....did I ever tell you I am a cat cushion???
And the final attempt to get in the box was with glasses and without cat...I am in like flint!
I have read the directions from the box....pretty simple....Step 1 open film strip.
Step 2 look for notch. Put notch on left side on the bottom teeth.
Step 3 look for notch. Put notch on right side on the top teeth.


Here is where all goes to shit....

Step 1. I tear open the first one...and it's empty!! I turned it upside down and nothing fell out. These Bastards cost way too much money for me have gotten cheated a frickin' strip!!! I felt around in the packet and scratched with my nails...ooooohhhhh there it is!!!

Step 2. Look for the notch....NOTCH!!! There's no stinkin' NOTCH!!!!
I looked it over pretty good....OOOOOhhhhh that notch!!!
And proceeded on with step 2.
And applied that puppy to the TOP!!!

HUGE!!!! HUGE MISTAKE!!!!
But I don't really know that yet....still all giggles and shits!! WineSlushies really aren't that bad...just don't leave the bottle in over night.
That is the Big Ass Chard!!! I just love that name! I like it better than YellowTail but not as good as Toasted Head......sounds like an orgy!!

Step 3. Look for the notch....now that I know what to look for and ATTEMPT to apply to the bottom.....which is next to IMPOSSIBLE!!!!
And I think in the end I just laid it on the bottom row, run my tongue over and said good enough! Which sounds a little sexy too.....Roy just might get laid today!!!

In the mean time my mouth is doin' all sorts of weird shit!!
All I want to do is spit!!!
By putting it on the top first my spit glands.....salivary glands as I will find out later.....and after a half bottle of WineSlushies I can't say it...Savlitory.....salivery.....Oh shit the spit glands.......started workin' in overdrive!!
There is no freakin' way you could apply these damn things in a elevator and BE HAPPY about it!!!!
It was all slick......and sticky.......hhhhmmmm........and like partially cooked paste!!!

I left them in my mouth for as long as I could stand it...spit and rinse about 10 times..... and then had to brush my teeth!!!
I turned that box over and over lookin' for info on what to do.....when I noticed an insert with further instructions!!!!
The rules!!!
And the reasons for not puttin' them on the top first!!!!!!!

Roy was watchin' all this...tryin' not to laugh....tryin' not to cry.....he said, "will you just go to bed!? You are startin' to look pathetic."

I was determined to not be beat by those damn things so Sunday night I tried them again. I followed it step by step and I still could not get the bottom one on right....it just balled up in my fingers!!

There is no way on Earth that Roy Hightower will even attempt to use them...he went back burnin' his tongue!

Time For My Close Up MzDeMille!!

"Hey Babe! What's today?"
It must be nice to be retired and not have a clue to what day it is...."It is Wednesday."
"No, the date?"
"November 1st."
"17 days to Gun Season!!"
"I want you to come with me." He said.

Hysterical laughter....calms a bit....."What the hell for? I am not climbing up in one of the tree stands again!!"
The last time he rolled me out of bed and took me to the woods, he made me climb up about 600 feet into a really cool treehouse.....okay it was only 25 feet but I sure wish I had had a cool treehouse like that as a child!!!
"You realize that anything over 6 feet I will break bones when I fall!"
"You will be fine and I need you up there to tell me which tree branches need cut."
Okay so I am up the tree...in my perch.....I kid you not......10 minutes up there and I had to pee.

"Can you not be an adult about this?"
"Come get me out of this fuckin' tree right now!! Call your friends with the CherryPickerThingy and get me down!! Better yet.....Call the firemen to come and rescue me!! Quick!!! I feel faint!!!"

Needless to say......I haven't been back.

"Stop it! Can you not be an Adult about this?"
Apparently not!!

"Why do you want me to go with you?"
"AAaaahhh......I want you to film it."

Okay, get the mop bucket out....I just peed my pants from laughing!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hey Babe! What is today?"
Is he loosing his mind? I told him yesterday and the day before that and the day before that....."It is Tuesday, November 7th 2006!!!"

"You don't have to get nasty! You have some long johns?"

Oh silly man...."Yes I have long johns. Why?"

"11 days to opening day....and I can't take you the first day but you can go Sunday with me."

You shit and fall back in it!!! He has done some serious thinking about this!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hey Babe! What is today?"
Oh Lord Help Me!! "It's the 10th!"
"It is 8 days Gun Season!!"

"You had better call your hunting buddy and let him know."

He had the nerve to look straight at me and say, "Buddy, it's 8 days to go! Now I want the camera charged and I don't want you to film EVERYTHING."

Rrrriiiiight!!
The more I think about this...........the more I like it.............and I will have loads of fun with this!!!!

Today is the 14th and that means just 4 more days!!!!!

Sunday, September 23, 2007

New Tricks....

Things I have learned just this weekend!!

Wine Freezes!!
Did Anyone know that???
Anyone???
I put it in the freezer at work to chill it before going home but went off and forgot all about it! You see I am not the big alcoholic that it seems....I just flat forgot. I did manage to remember to unplug the phonelines and walk out before lockin' the door!!
Luckily the wine bottle didn't break!!
I would have never lived that one down!!! It just pushed the cork up....another reason to not have screw on lids!!

When your hubby says, "Do you have plans for the day?"...always lie!!!
"No Honey, I don't have anything planned", will cause you to be hauled kickin' and screamin' to the gun show!!
IN MY CAR!!!
I hate it when he drives my car!!
If he would drive it like the high performance car that it is, it would be fine but NO!
He drives it like he's 184!!! His reasonin' is that it's officially tagged....screw that shit!! Drive it as the HotCarGods intended...that's what I do!!!
Annnnnd.....he drives it like his truck!!!
My car NEVER goes to the front of a store!!
It's way too risky for someone to pull out in front of you! And to park it near other cars.....total violation of the rules set down by the HotCarGods!!!!
Sure it's 9 years old but if I treated like a Ford Fiestiva it would look like his truck!!! I was a nervous wreck by the time he parked the car!!
So Back to the gun show....you would think I would totally groove on one....with all the testorone in the room and all that shiney chrome and stainless steel...but NO!!
No smell of men at all....the occasional sweaty B.O. but not that good smell that makes me stop in my tracks and go on point like a good bird dog!
It smelled of gun oil....Roy was groovin' on that!!
Normal prodcedure for a gun show is, he tells me what gun he's lookin' for ....Springfield Armory 1911....though we have one.....I don't get it either! Something about it shootin' low and to the left....and he expects me to shoot the bad guy when he breaks into the house with it???
I'd rather use my S&W 38 or my Ruger Mini 14....a CopIssused223...it's awesome....it's pre-ban....but no!
It's safely tucked away in the safe!!
Becuz, it's pretty and worth some money!!
Or I'm supposed to find a BushMaster @$&*@... though we have a better gun of that type....a Colt something or other....I don't really hear most of what he tells me....after lookin' at a couple of 12 guages, they all look alike.....Get me to the shoe store and I can discuss the finer points of MaryJanes and SaddleOxfords but guns....they all look alike!!!
So my main point is to find the gun and then we can go...wrong! The hunt only gets worse becuz we now have to find another one to compare it too.....why not the one that's at home??
I found the 1911 right off on the first table....at a nice price and it looked way better than the one we have....it was shiney with wooden hand grips....the one at home looks EXACTLY like the one Roy at in Vietman....and it probably was the same gun!!
But we don't get to go....we just walked in the door!!!
Several tables later Roy says, "Did you see that girl?"
I normally say that to him when I see a freak....too many tattoos or a bull ring in her nose but he was lookin' at this cute woman.
Has he lost his marble???
She was a petite brunette in her 20's wearin' a striped shirt....not one I would wear...it was brown...but then she was a brunette....she must like brown!
So I gave him one of those "I'm totally confused" looks and said, "What's wrong?"
"This gun show has a better group of good lookin' women. Normally, you're the only one!"


So let's recap....He is in his element.
He is surrouned by guns and gun things.
He has not lost his marbles.
And he is lookin' at other women.
But I got the compliment??

Tomorrow.....the Teeth Whitenin' Incident!!

Get Your Game Face On!!

I am Elmer J Fudd. I own a mansion and a yacht.
Again!
I am Elmer J Fudd. I own a mansion and a yacht.
Again!
All week long I have been psychin' myself up!!

I am goin' Wabbit huntin'...HEHEHEHEHEHEH!!!!

Okay, so it was a Deer hunting....but you get the drift.

I was told that I couldn't go to the woods smellin' all girly....no Chanel....no Calvin Klein....not even PearBlossom from Bath and Body Works......wouldn't you think that would be a good smell for the woods..... Pear Blossoms???

"And you can't be drinkin' anything either!"
Oh like I was going to take a hip flask full of vodka??!!

And most importantly, I couldn't make any noise!!! He knew this was going to be my downfall.
So Saturday at 4:00AM, he got up and went out to do the morning hunt......I got up at 6:00 to go to work.
And I had a killer headache!!!
Let's just say 5 shots and a sleeping pill is too much.....but I am willing to continue trying to get the right mix......for the sake of science.
I took my shower, but didn't wash my hair....that all I was willing to give him as far as not smelling girly.
I stopped drinkin' at 11:30 so I wouldn't have that problem.....geez....one time up a tree and I am branded for life.....and all those pit stops while travelin'.....and at the mall.....okay so I have a small bladder!!!!
After work I went home to make some lunch. He had my clothes all laid out for me.

What a guy??

He took the purple scarf off my ElmerFudd hat......it made it look so much better.....geez....can't a girl have any fun???

We headed out to the woods at 1:30........we left the woods at 5:45!!!

Think about that!!!

Sunday Am, we were still in bed, "So you have never taken anyone else hunting with you before?"
"Nope!"
"So this must be true love?"

He had a huge grin on his face as he said "Yes, it is."
He rolled over and kissed me on the forehead, "But YOU are NOT goin' again!"

Saturday, September 22, 2007

You Are Never Goin' Again!!

And now for the rest of the story.......
1:30: He parks the truck and says, "Be careful! There is a huge hole over there."
He wasn't just whistlin' Dixie!!!
Normally, the bottom of the truck hits me about my hips.....and now It hit me at my chest!!!
I laughed at this and got a dirty look!!
1:40: I turned the camera on to get some film of the hunting stand and the woods and all I got was a dirty look!!
"Can you not make so much noise!" He whispered thru gritted teeth.
He asked for it!!!
He wanted me to film!!!
2:10: We have been in the stand about 30 minutes.......and he turns to me and whispers, "Are you horny yet?"
What??
Are you kidding me????
Horny??? I do not see the correlation between the two!!!!
Hunting and Sex??!!??
2:30 He leans over and thru gritted teeth, "Stop fidgetin'!"
I was cold and parts are goin' to sleep!!
I got more dirty looks and harsh whisper than I deserved!!
All I did was drop my sunglasses!!!
Geez!!
I knew better than to sneeze..........or cough....I was told that if that happened.....all hunting was over!!
Some time between 2:45 and 3:30 I fell to sleep.......It was for the best! My headache was much better!!
At about 3:30 a nice size buck was walking down the fence line.....I only saw it twice and so there isn't any footage worth sharing. It was in the dense brush and Roy couldn't get a good view at him to make a good shot.
It wasn't too much longer after that that a rabid squirrel jumped onto the stand!!
Roy leans over slowly and thru gritted teeth he says, "Do not Freak..........if it comes...........in here with us."
Like saying it slowly would make me feel better!!!!
The box we were in was about 4x4 and if a rabid squirrel comes in..........there will be freakin'!!!!!!!
Count on it!!
Oh Earl, there were squirrels every where!!!
If we had been huntin' squirrels, we would have had a bag full!!! Red ones and grey ones!!!
It wasn't long after the squirrel jumped off the stand that a bird wanted in....on my side!!!!!
He had the nerve to tell me to go back to sleep so I would not fidget so much!!!
I have no idea what kind of bird it was.....I have seen the Hitchcock movie.....I sat there with my eyes closed tightly to protect them....and kept my mouth closed to keep from screaming bloody murder for all to hear in the next state!! "MY EYES!!! Oh Shit Not MY EYES!!!!"
Roy causally leans over.......like shit like this is a normal occurance.............and whispers......"sssssh......Woodpecker."
At 4:45 I have decided that THIS has been a horrible day......I have jinxed him.....he is a good hunter and no deer has came close enough to make a good shot....all I hear from him is how many deer he has seen....but take me with him......nothing!! The way my luck runs one will walk out at dark:30 and I will have to deal with all night long!!!!
I haven't said maybe 10 words since 1:30.....and at 5:00 Roy coughed!!!!
We are done!
Douse the fire.....wieney roast is over!!
Roy starts to put away all his hunting toys....when the sharp eye of Elmer J Fudd spotted a buck walking out of the woods towards the pond. Very calmly, Elmer elbows Roy and points to the buck......One shot later, down that old buck goes!
One Shot, One Kill!
As we were walkin' out and to get the truck....I let him have it....I sat in the freakin' cold all day long.....takin' dirty looks for things I can't control....while rabid squirrels and psycho birds wanted to kill me.....and now you are walkin' me thru the briars bushes!!!!
ENOUGH!!!
Just for the record....Roy didn't act like that man on TV when he made his "harvest".....AND HE COUGHED........and I SAW IT FIRST!!!!
As we are taking the buck to the processor....."Are you horny yet?"
Are you kiddin' me???
Nope!
No correlation....what so ever....none!!

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Nice Relaxin' Mornin'....

NOT!!!!!

I wanted to take a break from all the research for the HI-War-Ya Trip....after 4 days of it, it all runs together.
Every island has a North Shore....go figure!! I am sooooo confused!! ProtoFord has been a big help....NO HIKING!
I do not want to sweat nor cause an old Lady to have a heart attack!!

And all the town names look alike to me!!
Wailaiawolului...I made that up!!
But that is what I see!!!
They are not phonetically sounded out like the Indian names are....Hawaii....O'ahu...OH wa who. Maui...Mau wee...what???

Indian name.......Cooweescoowee...COO WEE Scoo Wee....see the difference?? You can't even screw up the spellin' of it!!


Pu' uhonua o Honaunau...I didn't make that up....and I have no clue as to how to say that....and it's gonna be fun tryin' to with my dumbass Okie accent!!!


Muskogee....Mus kO Gee....see....EASY!!! Okie From Muskogee!!

And for the RECORD...MY AM HUH....That is how the Miami Indian Tribe has said it since the dawn of time...not MY AM EEE!!!
Get it right when in Oklahoma....Oak La Homa...Easy Squeasy!!
That Idiot from USC...every time I see him, the Trojan Fight song rings in my head.....and The MerryWidow are gonna cause an upraisin' if they don't quit it!!
It's My-Am-Huh!!
But what do I care, I'm Cherokee...Chair O Kee!

For those that don't know about the Alaska Cruise...I hope this works...
Alaska Cruise
Part 2
Venting Part 3

If not...you'll have to look up Trippin'....sorry but I still like this better than MSN!!
Every time I go over to leave comments, I still leave 85 billion on one space or it never works...I tried 15 times to leave a message for Seth!!!
I have booted up and re-booted until I am just sick of it all.....I'm going back to the Hi-War-Ya Trip for a break!!!!
Fuck Fuck Fuck!!!!!!
So much for a relaxing mornin'!!!

And coffee only made it worse!!!!

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

And I Do Not Look Good in White!!!

This is all gonna sound insane!! Maybe I can have a Red straight jacket!!

Roy's mother will turn 80 in January. RoySr. is 85 and havin' some health issues....so SHE sees the end coming! She has wanted to go to Hawaii for a long time. She wanted me and Roy to go with them....OH HELL NO!!!
And that came outta Roy's mouth...I was just speechless and horrified at the same time!

The moment Roy and I stepped off the Alaskan Cruise, we were ready for the Caribbean!!
Bring on the Party!!!
So I booked our cruise in April to go in October....His mother was miffed! She begged her other kids to help her and being as she is, nobody wanted to help her....she doesn't have a PC to look all the needed info up for a great trip, to find the right prices, and a good travel agent!
She called one agency that never bothered to call her back!
When she did finally find one that would help her, that person signed her up on one of the most expensive trips to Hawaii!!!
I had to step in before that travel agent sucked away all of their nest egg!! I told Roy all about what was suggested and the cabin his mother paid for.....it's a cruise around all the islands....and he said look into it.
They are in their 80's and that woman suggested hiking trips!!!!
Come on!!!

So now I'm booked to go to Hawaii in February!!! I'm so nervous I could throw up!!!

Did I ever tell you that insanity runs in our family???
It does!!!
1 uncle, 1 aunt...oh and my mother...it was bound to happen!! When I broke the news of the insanity gene, Roy...love of my life....said, "How long do I have before they come to get you?"

Whatta way to get outta the Funk!!
I have read every book I can get my hands on and am still in the middle of one of them. I have looked at every website that I can find with good info until I can't see straight!!
I think I'm about to hyperventilate!!!
OOOOH!!!
I'm goin' to Hawaii!!!!!

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Let Me Take You To FunkyTown!

It's like walkin' around in a fog!
A hang over without the good time!
And so I do odd shit...like being so deep in thought about rentin' a car in Maui that I locked myself in the office instead of walkin' out first!!!!

See what I have to deal with!!!

Saturday, September 15, 2007

I'm All Funked Up!

Yep that's right! I'm in a funk.

My brain is on autopilot.
One would think I would be walkin' on sunshine with a mini vacation coming up....and then the real deal too. I've tried to psyche myself up.....lounger in the water with Coronas in both hands watchin' half nekked men frolickin' on the beach.
Honestly, why do they make men's swimwear so freakin' baggy??? I liked the days when Elvis was in the tight trunks and dove into the water off the cliffs of Acapulco. People make fun of the Speedo but Damn....that's the look I want to see!!!

But no....I'm in neutral.
Summer is over and the pool is empty. Ho Hum....
Maybe I can talk Roy into pullin' out the Indian and goin' for a ride. That would do us both some good....just a ride around the lake...maybe to Eureka Springs....maybe to Branson.
Just take the whole day and ride.

Funny, you would think with 3 bikes we would ride all the time but we haven't!
I haven't been on my bike since I hurt my back. I get little twinges every now and again and I sure don't want to be Master and Commander of My Own Destiny and have a wreck!
That would embarrass Roy!
God knows my biggest fear in life is that I will embarrass Roy!
I was liftin' the butt end of Mastiff...the BossMan had the head end....which is heavier.....and I was bent and lifted and twisted all at the same time and...POP!!! Down I went!
Do you know how big those dogs are???
The last one was over 150 pounds!
I was out for 4 days...flat on my stomach with pain meds and heatin' pads!!
Roy waited on me hand and foot...that has it's drawbacks!
It was sad....that was the time when OU was robbed by Another BadCall by Texas Team...I wanna say the Red Raiders.....Not sure now.....at Football....I can't remember exactly what happened now but it was maddening then!!
I was layin' on the couch with my heatin' pad and Roy was on his couch in control of the remote. The BadCall happened and I came up off that couch yellin' and screamin' at the TV....I'm very passionate about OU Football.....then squealin' in pain!

"If you don't calm down and shut up, I will turn the channel! If you hurt your self again becuz you can't be reasonable about a football game I will not help you anymore! Do you need more Valium?"

Well, with a threat like that I had to calm down and be a grown up!!
Damn it!
At least I got some Valium outta the deal!

Nope...It's Just a Weird Funk!

Friday, September 14, 2007

Men!!!

Ya gotta love 'em!!



On the coffee table was a shot glass with tequila and a slice of lime...."Are you tryin' to get me drunk?"

Roy grinned.

"I wanted to drop in a green M&M and make it look like I had slipped you a mickey but I was afraid you would choke on it and ruin the moment."





Good thinkin' on his part!!

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

I Will Get Even...

You remember my squirrel.....The gold medalist of traffic crossing?


One day as Roy and I drove to town, there was a couple of dead animals in the road near the park. One small raccoon and a squirrel.


Roy says, "Your squirrel bought the farm!"
No way!!
"Oh no! My squirrel is a champion road crosser and would never get hurt. That's not my squirrel."


He rolls his eyes, "How do you know that isn't your squirrel?"
DUH!!!
"Becuz right there is my squirrel! Look, He sees me and is runnin' after us! See right there!"

Sure enough my squirrel was runnin' towards the road!


Roy rolls his eyes....but there was a mischievous look to them this time.


He looks up into the rearview mirror and says, "Yep there he is in the road wavin' for us to come back. Oh look out! Ooooooh, That car hit him!"



And I looked back!!!!!


NOTHING!!!!


One dirty look and a backhand to Roy's chest, "DON'T Mess with ME about MY SQUIRREL!"


You just wait.....I will get even!!
Ssshhh...there is a HugeAssSpider in the trash can...it's a big as house....it will not flush!!!


Hehehehehehehehe......

Big Brother 8...

Do you watch?
We have been watchin' all season long and now it's down to the final 3. I would love for Zach to win but I don't see any way that will happen....And it doesn't matter which ones wins. That father/daughter duo has it won.

So now what to watch?
Kid Nation??? I don't think so!!
The Power of 10???? What a stupid game show???
Who ARE the people that were surveyed??? I don't think Middle America was asked!!

I think it's a shitty deal when they take off a show that was fairly good and show us re-runs of CSI. I can only watch it so many times!! It's a good show But Come On!!
They reason it that ONLY 8 million people were watchin' it....Pirate Master.....soooo it's off!
That is just garbage!! Last time I looked 8 million was a fairly high number!
And then they give us Kid Nation????
No thank you!
I wonder what's HBO???

Monday, September 10, 2007

OH MY GOD!!!!!

I have come from under the rock......and am out in the world.....no longer in the cave that is dial-up!!!!!
I have spent most of the day catchin' up with blogs....not many comments but I have read every one's blog!
Just a second.........
Why don't people just leave me be....am I the only person in town that sells pet products...geez!!!
Then.....I found YOU TUBE!!!
OH MY GOD!!!!!!
I am so thrilled!!!

48 days to my vacation!!!!
Only 24 days until my mini-vacation....the BossMan's goin' huntin'!
I have had a few conversations with the couple that will be on the same cruise as us. She is totally excited and can't wait to go...him....not so much. He said just point him the direction of the bar and he'll be happy!
Roy has flip flopped on what to do in Grand Cayman.
He will not go see the stingrays.
And he will not para-sail!!
Until I got him good and drunk....he agreed to see the stingrays. He said "Whatever you want to do, Baby!"
"Really?"
"Really Really!"
"Oh good! Becuz I really want to do the para-sailing thing!"
Ready the video cameras!! This gal's goin' up!!

We went to a weddin' on Saturday. The MerryWidow told me to not drink too much and make an ass of myself....As If!!!
Why would she think that???
Roy was a bit concerned...not that I would drink too much....but that it was to be held at a Catholic church. There is a certain protocol that must be observed, he said....I'm totally clueless. We never get invited to weddings....4 in 13 years!
I am glad we went. It looked like they had invited several people but only family showed up.
Sad really.
To go to all that expense and nobody comes....we didn't even stay for the reception. I put the card on the table and we left....IT WAS ONLY FAMILY!!!
I felt like Owen Wilson!!! I was crashin' a weddin'!!
And another thing.....I think the wedding photos should be done before the wedding or the day before or something....Talk about a shift in the momentum!
All love and hugs and then nothing!
Wait around.....FOR-FUCKIN-EVER for the photos to be taken!!!
And I didn't notice a huge difference in Catholic weddings to Baptist weddings.....aside from a little crossin' of oneself.....And that other side....the bride's side....kept sayin' something I couldn't make out......It wasn't Amen.
The priest would say "let us pray..." and I bowed my head and then peeked around....nobody else did!! Fiddled with my shoe so as not seem like an idiot....I can only fiddle with it so many times....he kept sayin' it over and over!!!
I am so thankful I eloped! I would have been so pissed to have bought all those little smokies and nobody showed up!

Kinda like have a webpage and nobody knows it! So I'm off to watch more YouTube!

Sunday, September 09, 2007

I Have Another Joke For You....

So a Blonde and Redhead are workin' on a problem with the phone lines, PC modems, and credit cards machines.....Seriously, I can't make this shit up!!

The Problem started when The Blonde didn't disconnect the phone line to the PC and lightening killed the modem! The Redhead was insistent that The Blonde call the CreditCardTechSupport to make sure our new modem was configured correctly.....I hate callin' TechSupport! And she could have done it herself!!
But NO!!
So after 5 calls and 30 minutes with TheTechSupportDude....which by the way was simply wonderful....we decided that the modem was fine and that Problem was the Phone Lines....NOT MY AREA!!!
The Redhead said she would have her BrotherInLaw look into it but as it turns out he was hunting and she didn't know it.....so another week goes by with no credit card machine. No Internet connection....how is the Blonde gonna goof off???
I played solitaire all week long....I will not be deterred from goofin' off!!
The CableInternet was connected on Thursday!!
Under the watchful eye of the Redhead....and she had the CreditCard machine up and runnin'! It only took her 1 call and 5 minutes with TechSupport!!
She bragged about it!!
She left The Blonde a note explaining the ExternalModem and that the CableInternet need some sort of infernal card...or some shit.......but that would either tomorrow or Saturday....which means...next Thursday!!
The Blonde knows The Redhead well enough to know better than to think it will be any quicker than THURSDAY!!!!!

And the best part of all this is The Redhead left the two phone lines that connected to the ExternalModem out for The Blonde to find..... knowing The Blonde as she does, she went to all the trouble to draw pictures on tape that looked like the Icons on the Modem so there would be no doubt which one went where!!!
And attached it to the appropriate phone line!!!
Isn't that so sweet!!???
When it came time the run a credit card.....nothing happened...all routes were bad!!
The Blonde calls the Redhead, "It didn't work!"
"What? You follow the directions? You connected it right?"
DUH!!
I had pictures!!!
3 phone calls to TechSupport and 20 minutes later problem solved! This was a different TechSupportDude than I had before and was just a wonderful...i'm not sure why I hate to call TechSupport.....and he had the whole log of what the other TSDude did for me.....but no evidence of The Redhead's call!
HHHmmmm.......

So The Blonde calls the Redhead, "Are your roots blonde?"
"What?"
"You had the pictures on the wrong phone lines....so I connected them backwards!"

The phone lines are now correct and pink nail polish has been dabbed on the back of the modem and on the appropriate phone line!!!

Some times it takes a village!!

Thursday, September 06, 2007

I Can't Drive 55......

One foot on the brake and one on the gas, hey!
Well, there's too much traffic, I can't pass, no!
So I tried my best illegal move
A big black and white come and crushed my groove again!

or something like that.... personally, I like to keep on foot on the gas and one on the clutch....lettin' it slip gently as I give it gas.....sounds meaner....I got FlowMasters for Valentine's Day once!! Yep, every girl should have their exhaust modified!!

hhmmmm....my mind wonders to AnalSex!! That's not what I mean!!


So what is it with people...... pull out in front of someone and not drive the speed limit??
If you are in no big hurry....why do you assume I'm not either???
Come On!!!

Yesterday, my drive to work...it was like everyone and their dog pup had to go to town!! I followed at least 10 cars into town.....yeah I know....I'm spoiled though!! I am in a rural area where the biggest traffic jam is following a tractor or half a double wide on a 2 lane!!!
I don't normally follow anyone....so 10 cars is a lot!!! And with all the cars that I met.....let's just say traffic was not normal. I had thoughts of the day the flood came to town!! And every one was leaving, like rats on a sinkin' ship!!

So I signed my name on number 24, hey!
Yeah the judge said, "Boy, just one more I'm gonna throw your ass in the city joint"
Looked me in the eye, said, "You get my point?"
I said "Yeah!, Oh yea!"

It's been so long I can't remember if it actually is #24....I looked once...and I can't find any hardcopies now......or any Roy may have kept.....you keep copies of the big ones!!

So when we all pull up the intersection and some go forward...some turn right.....And ONE LONE CAR GOES LEFT....MY WAY......A sheriff's car!!!!!
That drives 40.....for a mile......and finally....just before I turn into the driveway.....we are up to 50!!!!!!!!
If I had had a chance to pass I would have!!
But Traffic was abnormally high!!!!
It's a FREAKIN' WEDNESDAY!!!!!!!

When I drive that slow, you know it's hard to steer.
And I can't get my car out of second gear.
What used to take two hours now takes all day.
Huh - It took me 16 hours to get to L.A.!

And steering.....I have one hand on the wheel and one on the stick!! I must be ready at all times to shift....either up or down!
My exhubby used to tell me all the frickin' time, "You're not Mario Fuckin' Andretti!" He jsut didn't get me!
And I would never make in a town like LA!! Driving around Miami on Fridays and food stamp day is more than I can stand!!

I have every legal right to drive 55.....So LET'S!!!!
I back there makin' all sorts of hand gestures in an effort to get this ass to move faster...but no!!


Go on & write me up for 125
Post my face, wanted dead or alive
Take my license n' all that jive
I can't drive 55!.....Thank you Sammy Hagar for my theme song!!

hhhmmmm......Maybe that should be on my Tombstone???

Sunday, September 02, 2007

What Goes Around.....

Last week, on my way to work I hit a bird.
I felt real bad.
And I didn't mean to do it.
The bird was chasin' a bug and I thought it flew outta the way but when I looked back there was a big lump on the ground.....Bummer!!!

So I have been goin' outta my way to not hit anything else!!

I have to drive thru a park every day. So there are lots of animals runnin' all over the place....mostly squirrels...one day it looked like a squirrel convention!!
The ground was movin'........with squirrels!!! You had to see it...there musta been hundreds!!

There is this one squirrel, he watches for me!
Seriously!!
I can see him sittin' on the side of the road and just as I approach he runs to the middle of the lane. He does that little squirrel dance.....you know the one! He does several push ups and spin moves that would make MCHammer envious.....all the while he watches me!! By now I am slowin' down!
He has a glint in his eye as he does his signature move...."I'm goin' left! I'm goin' left! Nope right!! Psyche!!!!! I'm goin' left!!!!"
I'm stopped.....in the middle of the park.....watchin' and waitin' for the next big move!!
And he runs for the middle of the road!!!
I swear to you he has his tongue stuck out at me!!!

Then he runs off the trees!!
This game has happened twice!!!

This mornin' when Roy and I were comin' home from town....we watched that squirrel do wonderous things to cross the road while dodgin' two cars!! One goin' north and one goin' south!! It looked like he did cartwheels under the Dodge and run under the Chevy....all the way to the tree!!!
I was screamin' the whole time, "Don't run over MY SQUIRREL!!"


Roy just shakes his head, "Your not right, are you?"

Saturday, September 01, 2007

Alaskan Cruise Part 3

I received an email last October about the retired cops going on a land and cruise tour of Alaska and I jumped right on it! I checked out the prices of it all and didn't at the time think we could afford to do the whole shootin' match and dropped the land tour.
So I have had this vacation in the works for nearly 9 months!
Expectations were high!!

Party on Wayne!!

Princess cruiseline is one of the better lines and the ship we were on was one of the newer ships, Diamond. It is HUGE... something like 3 football fields long. Easy to get lost on... and easy to get turned around... and easy to get on the wrong elevator. I'll come back to that.

The Princess crew was awesome!!! But who ever sets up the soda vendors, PLEASE, At least get MR PIBB!!!!
I am a Pepper.
Roy's a Pepper
And Princess should be a Pepper too!!
Seriously, the first Port we came to... we loaded up with Dr Pepper and put it in the fridge!!! If I am buying stuff off the ship, I ain't buying in it on the ship from you!!!!
Think about it!!

Other than that The Princess People did a fabulous job!!
Food was perfect once you figure out how to order and know just exactly what things are...I am not trying caviar for anything. Roy did get this great lookin' cold salad. It looked a lot like apple salad that his mother makes but he didn't read the sign and I didn't say anything. I just thought he was broadening his horizens and tastes and really wanted to try octopus... COLD OCTOPUS!!
So he sits down with his plate scoops up a bite and I had to stop him.
I just couldn't let him do it."Honey, do you know that is octopus? Look at the suction cup thingies."
Have you ever seen a grown man gross out??? He should really wear his glasses more.
It didn't taste bad... I had to try it!!

Oh, there was a Parvo notice passed around at the beginning of the cruise. Or whatever the human virus is called... morvo.... novo... I don't know. But it is like dog parvo...the bloody shits and vomitting. But that isn't Princess's fault, they did what ever was needed to help those that contracted Parvo... 2 am emergency call for blood donors. Seriously!!!

What I really have a problem with is the attitude of the crowd that we sailed with... that over 70 crowd!!
The passengers that actually talked to me were very nice and I have to give a high five to the nice lady from New Zealand, I truly hope to one day get to visit her country, and the sweet couple from Alabama...Roll Tide Roll!!
And the Ladies from British Columbia, very sweet!!
And of course Mick the Drunk Aussie... how can I forget Mick?
He was nice in his own way.
By the way...What is a rut?
Is that what I think it is??? As in deer ruttin'???
He was so drunk that he thought I was a PromQueen becuz I knew the "Wave"!!!!
He was funny. He kept sayin' "That's a Fair Dink 'um!"
"Do you know what that means?"
I whipped out my BEST DumbBlonde, "Isn't that a drink on the menu at the Outback?" Complete with head tilt and eyelash batting!

But that is it!!
The rest of the those people were mean!!
What happens to a person when they get older?
Does their fun button get disconnected??
Does being mature mean you can't smile and have fun??
If so, I don't want to grow up! I was on vacation, for Pete's sake and my party seemed to be the only ones having fun!!

I got on an elevator from the 11th floor the first night and pressed the floor I wanted which was the 7th and some broad in the back barked, "We are going up! To 14!"
It is an Frickin' Elevator!!!!
It either goes up or down!!!
It ain't magically takin' my HappyAss back to Oklahoma. Have a drink and Fighten the Luck Up!!!
GEEZ!!! It's a vacation, not boot camp!!
I have never been around more cranky people in my life... 2500 wet blankets... with a stick firmly up the wahzoo!

And somebody didn't get the "Do Not Have a Tizzy" Speech!
One old man couldn't get back on the ship. He had some piece of metal on his person that was setting off the metal detector. The Security Officer was pleasently tellin' him to just take off the hat and step thru again but NOOOOO!!!!
The Officer never touched him.
Never raised his voice but you would have thought that old man had was goin' to stroke out right there in front of us!
DUDE, just take the hat off!!!
Finally his wife... bless her heart... took the hat and put it thru the xray machine and all was fine. MrsDude, get Gramps back to the cabin and check his medication!!

And men weren't the only ones.
As Roy and I were leaving our cabin, MrsSnapGirtle was layin' the law down to MrSnapGirtle!
"I do not want you to be a stone around my neck. I want to live a little! If you want to sleep in here the whole time! Fine! But I am not!!"
Now I agree with her but you should have had that talk back home and not so the WHOLE WORLD CAN HEAR IT!!!! That Do Not Have A Tizzy speech goes both ways!!

I asked Roy what he would rather do, be around small children or old people??
"Children! They tend to have Hot Moms!" Roy Hightower, Juneau, Alaska, August 2006

Which is funnier than you realize. He has an allergic reaction to children. Screaming kids just really get under his skin and he freaks! Restaurants should be divided as such... smokin' and non-smokin' and kid free. We will sit in the smokin' section to be kid free!! We figure good parents wouldn't have children in the smokin' section!! Then The State passed a law that all restaurants are smoke-free... we can't win!
And he would rather cruise with kids than bitchin' bag throwin' old farts that have forgotten how to smile and have fun on vacation!
We are planning to cruise the Caribbean next time... sun, sand and bikinis... and fun people!!!!

Mz. Angie, lots of water in the Caribbean, no mountains but the hot guys paradin' around shirtless and fun on the beaches when you are at port make up for it. My HotGuy Radar nearly broke itself!!

If you haven't been to Alaska and want to just get a "taste" of it, a cruise is the way to go.
There so much to see. But it is a popular cruise for the older generation, so be prepared.
Would I do it again?? Yes but, I prefer to kick up my heels!

Party on Garth!!

Oh... One more thing...Vancouver Airport, PUT A BURGER KING ON BOTH SIDES IF THE TERMINAL!!!! After being GOOD BURGER FREE for a week, WE really needed it!!!
Roy paced that glass window like a Doberman wanting a double Whopper!!
For an HOUR!! "How do I get in there??"

Alaskan Cruise Part 2

And the adventure goes on...
The first mornin' the light is peeking in the window, I jump out of bed and rip open the curtains and there is a Glacier!!!!
I turn to Roy, "GET UP! GET UP!" grabbing cameras, jeans and binoculars!!
He was standin' out there barefoot takin' in the beauty of it all.
The next morning the same thing, Mountains and Glaciers. I have umpteen bazillion pix of them... from all angles. It is something one should do... go to see the Glaciers. Awesome!!
In Skayway, we took the White Pass and Yukon train up into Canada and back.
We had lunch at the Red Onion Saloon and Brothel. I ordered two Strumpets and the "waitress" said sure, "But what do you want to eat?"
What??
I didn't touch that one.
Roy spoke up, "I want a menage a trois!!"
The whole menu was like that. A sandwich named for a type of "ShadyLady". Katy, I would have got the Harlot but I am not all that fond of Turkey!!
I did leave my name on the bathroom wall, Nadine Hightower, the Harlot in the Red Bra!
It seems to be the thing to do in there!!

We shopped to MY heart's content. We looked at jewels... lots of jewels!!
I did the Grandma thing and bought every kid a T-shirt.
When we went to Mexico on our last cruise, I was going to buy all the kids a neato gift from Mexico but one day as I was using the toilet, I notice the tag in my panties... bought from Walmart... Made in Mexico!!!!
 I can buy stuff from Mexico from Walmart and not have to pack it back thru customs. I didn't bring the kids back anything from that trip! So I had to make up for it this time!

We went on a whale watching tour one day and it was just a spectacular. We were never real close to them to put them in danger or us!
So then to tour Juneau. More shopping... and jewels!!!
That was the town we kicked that lady out of the bear seat, I didn't notice her checkin' out Roy's ass until someone pointed that out... too funny!!
Our tour bus driver, Amanda, was a Woo Hoo Gal, Tessie!! She and I were the only ones that had any spunk... I'll vent later about that!!
Anyway, she would ask a question and I naturally answered her with a rowdy "WooHoo" and she loved it!! When she dropped us, and only us, off at the Harley Shop I gave her one last Woo Hoo and Big Okie Hug!!! What a great Gal!!!

And we ate at the Red Dog Saloon... no harlots on the menu.
But a sawdust on the floor saloon and Wyatt Earp's gun on the wall. One of our party was not impressed but Buddy, you can go fly a kite!!
I loved every minute of it!
Roy enjoyed the piano man. Everyone joined in singin' "Waltzing Matilda".
And the animals skins and stuff critters all over the walls.
And so cool.....Wyatt Earp's gun!!!!
We are HUGE Wyatt Fans!!!
Roy and my oldest daughter have watched "Tombstone" so many times that we can turn off the sound and he can tell you EVERY LINE!!!
I don't know how many times I have heard, "Oh don't mind HER, SHE's just drunk! That's all!"
 Even when I am stone cold sober and do something stupid!
Which about 99% of the time... stupid... not drunk!

So one night, Roy and I and another couple were all sittin' around havin' drinks and talkin' about life in general, when My HotGuy Radar goes off!!! That sucker is so accurate!!!
The cutest blonde bartender ever!!! Over my right shoulder!!
"Oh Look! I need to refresh my drink!"
I trot my happy ass off to the bar with the other wife in tow to flirt with the Young and Thin Bartender.
As we sat down, this man walks up behind us and starts talking to us, The Drunk Aussie, Mick.
That is not his name but that is what we will call him from now on and he looks like the guy in the Andrew Marc ad in the September issue of Vogue.
Not really, but that is what he will look like from now on!!
And let me add that Capt. Yummy does indeed and will for ever look like a young Paul Newman... So Perfect!!!

"Where are you gals from?" just drippin' Aussie.
"Oklahoma!" My friend said.
"Oooooo, Okie from Muskogee!"
"Yep!"
 Personally, I have always hated that song. They do smoke Marijuana and wear sandals in Muskogee. I don't think Merle has ever been in Muskogee.
Okay maybe since he sung about it but up to that point I really doubt it.
It isn't the best town in Oklahoma, so it is beyond me... but that is not the point here.

"Is that a real place?"
"Yep!"
"No Way!!!"
"Yes Way!! It's an Indian Tribe. Almost every town in Oklahoma is either named after an Indian tribe, an Indian or some Indian word for something. Oklahoma, Land of the RedMan!" I said.

I kept lookin' over in Roy's direction, I knew he would be just fit to be tied if he saw this. "Are your husbands around?" said Mick the DrunkAussie.
This guy is just askin' for trouble!
"Yes right over there!" we both pointed at their table.
"OOOOOOO. Their Bald! And Old! How'd that happen??"
I am not sure what he meant. How come they were bald or how come we were with them??
I went with bald.
"High Levels of Testosterone!" I told him. Roy likes to add that he has better things to do than grow hair.....What?? Mow???
"Really? what do they do for a living?"
"They are both cops."
"It was nice to meet you ladies."
And ppppptttttt Mick was gooooone!!
That was so much fun I forgot all about the Young and Thin Bartender!
There is something about watching the blood drain out of a man's face as he realizes his life could end at any moment that is rather funny!!

Next morning, all day in the rain in Ketchikan. That didn't stop the shopping and this time it was FURS!!
Honestly, how many times in your life can you talk about trimmed beaver and keep a straight face with a man???

"May I help you?" Said the very nice clerk.
"No, I am just here to feel something up!"
That man of mine, told me I was too young for fur. I think that is a backhanded compliment some how. Is there an age limit for fur???
I somehow got cheated out of a fur coat, didn't I???

I highly recommend that you save your pennies and go to Alaska whether it be to fish, to hunt, to be a frickin' tourist and shop... just go for it!! It is amazing!!
Next time... the venting!!!
It was an awesome trip but it was not perfect!!

Alaskan Cruise

Thanks for all the warm greetings back home to Blogland!
I will try to explain some of the pix. Some are self-explainitory.
And yes, Roy did look at the "Waitress's" Cleavage!!
He told me he had his hand on her ass and that would not surprise me!!
Yes, he is a hairy man... and yes, he is hot and buff!!
And I never noticed that old lady lookin' at his ass. I hope I still do that when I am her age... some things are hard to give up!!
Way back on Friday, the day before we left, we both had the day off to do errands. We took the critters to the clinic and Roy got the speech from the BossLady about NOT HAVING A TIZZY. TOO FRICKIN' FUNNY!!!
She laid it out for him, I just laughed... you know I got the same speech from him a few days before!!

We spent the night in Tulsa becuz the flight was so early... and had to be there so early, airport security and all. And had no trouble at all getting thru!
We had time to have a snack and read the newspaper.
As I was reading the paper, my radar went off.
You know the one... that radar that goes off when a killer hunk of good-lookin' man is around... and I peek over the top of the paper to see a flight crew headin' to their next flight.
"Yummmmmeeeeee!!" I said out loud... not thinkin' about Roy sittin' across the table from me!!
"What?"
"I want him to be my captain!"
He rolls his eyes, "They will not let you go up and sit on the captain's lap any more, so just forget it!"
"Damn, I wanted to earn my wings!"

As we were unassin' the plane at Salt Lake City, Capt. Yummy walks out of the cockpit!
Oh I hope I didn't blush!
Maybe he heard our conversation back in Tulsa???? Becuz I got the best smile and a nod from him.
God Bless his mother... he is a hunk!!!

A good flight into Anchorage. It was a bit... shay and gritty... but no rain... yet.

Getting the baggage was a bit unnerving.
Roy likes to joke with me about losing the luggage... NOT FUNNY ROY!!!!
All I could think about was Proto losing his luggage... Surely by now, you got it back
So here we are staked out in baggage claim waiting for the luggage.
Let me add in here that I am a freak about MY SPACE. You know that invisable force field area around you that strangers are not to enter. I don't like to be touch either.
 I know!!
 Weird!!!
By people I know, it is okay.
So the luggage start to pass by. This older man to my left, is pickin' up EVERY BAG! Quite obiviously his wife packs for him becuz he had NO IDEA what it looked like. Despite her telling him what color it was... blue... and the pretty good description.
Hell I could have picked it out!!!!!
And when the green one or the black one turned out to NOT be his he just threw it back on the moverthingy! All I could think about was MY bottle of Calvin Klein Escape breaking all over my clothes!!!!
This man was making me nervous. I kept backing up. Inch by inch until I have moved 2 feet from My Original Spot!!
 I don't normally move. I am as stubborn as a Missouri Mule. But the way he was slingin' those bags, I didn't want to be knocked on the moverthingy!!!
And to top it all off, he would INVADE MY SPACE!!!!!!
His wife said once to him, "You almost knocked that woman down!"
I stepped behind Roy.
That OldMan wouldn't budge Roy... not one inch!!
After we got the bags and handed them over to the Princess People... here comes that OldMan!!!!
He apparently thought that someone took his luggage. He was just moments away from me having a Full-On Tizzy. I had had enough!
I would have been on him like white on rice!
Just accuse me of takin' your bags!!!
 NONE OF MY BAGS WERE BLUE!!!!
C'mon! Step outside, OldMan!!
That incident should been an indication of things to come... I'll vent later about it! "

There was an hour bus ride to the cruise ship... very interesting. A one way train tunnel that passenger cars and trains take turns passing thru.
All the people in Whittier... 300... live in one building. Not like a hippy commune but a nice apartment building.
Up to this point, every sight I took in was beautiful!
Just about every photo I took was like a postcard.
Mountains and Glaciers to a Prairie Gal are overwhelmin'!!!
We have hills. But they are called Mountains but they are just hills, the Arbuckle Mountains.....what a joke!!
Next time... Glaciers, Saloons, and Drunk Aussies.
Big Okie Hugs!!
And I am off to check up with the rest of the world!