Saturday, June 30, 2007

What???

We must take a moment of silence.....that StupidFish died.
Friday afternoon it was official....the doc said so...."the gills aren't moving."

Rest in Peace, StupidFish!


So as I sat there while MrsBullMoose had her Trrrreatment, I talked with a young woman who was very knowledgeable about the Native American culture.
I learned a lot....and time flew by.
It's normally quite boring sittin' there. It's one of those holistic medicine shops...more stuff that I don't get....but to each his own.
And it has a funky odor...I'm used to cat pee and dog poop so that place reeks of all natural stuff!!!
So when it's time to go...I'm ready!!
I waited by the door....mindin' my own business....while MrsBullMoose schmoozed her way around....I blocked out most all that crap.....until I heard my name!

Like a little poodle my ears perk up....did some one mention me???

I looked around the room and all eyes are on me....What the hell was said???
Of course, I maintained my smile and just nodded my head as all blonde women do when they just wake up to the conversation....but one set of eyes was burnin' into me!! That one woman was lookin' straight at me....with a cocky grin.
I felt guilty!!
For things I had done....for things I didn't do.....things I shoulda!!!
I felt guilty!!!
All thoses things flooded into my brain.....Could she see what I was seein'??

Did she have "Those" powers to see all that stuff???

I snapped to when MrsBullMoose said, "Oh, she could earn extra money pretty easy!"

Whew!!
They are talkin' about sex!!
Huge Load off my Mind!!!!

I laughed it off and said something about Roy wouldn't like it if I did.
And that woman, one burnin' a hole into my soul, said, "Oh I know some chubby strippers."

What??????

Now thems fightin' words!!!

You can talk to me all day long about earnin' extra cash on my back or strippin' for a livin' but CHUBBY!!!!!!!!!
She had lost 70 pounds herself.....she would need to lose 70 more to get to my size!!!
Call me, Chubby!!!!

It's a damn good thing that SuperMoodyBitch wasn't with me!!
There woulda been a killin'!!

Still with a smile, "Hey, to each his own! Rock what you got!!"

I had a Shockin' Trrreatment and I didn't ask for it!

Friday, June 29, 2007

It's Just Shockin'!!!

On Tuesday, MrsBullMoose calls me.
"Cookie, What are we doing on Thurrrrrsday?"
I love it that she calls me Cookie...and SunShine...becuz I know that when I'm not around she calls me a bitch....she's that way.
Ooooh, you should hear her talk about her CasinoHopperGal!!
"I'm your driver. What do you want to do?"
"Let me think about it."

On Wednesday, MrsBullMoose calls me.
"Sunshine, What are we doing on Thurrrrsday?"
It's like this EVERY week!!
"What ever you want to do. I don't have anything that I NEED to do. I plan my day around you."
"Okay, I think I will go for a Trrrreatment. Pick me up at 11:00."

On Thursday morning she calls me.....on my cell phone...."Lock the cellar door and Baby Talk dirty to me!".......every Thursday morning!
"I tried to call you on your home phone but I couldn't get you. Wherrrre are you?"
I think she thinks I would leave without her!
"I'm at home on the computer."
"Well..." And she goes into a long speech about the day's plans.....which never goes off like she plans....she just needs to let me do my thing and all is well. But now I have to pick her up at 10:30 to get her to her "Trrrreatment."

The Trrrreatment is some sorta electrical shock thing she believes helps her.
And maybe it does.
I am not one that cares for being shocked in the least little bit. I have been shocked several times and not one time was it a good experience that would make me apply metal thingys to my body and hold metal rods in my hands for its therapeutic purposes!!

The worst most terrifiyin' time was when I was 9.
Daddy had saddled up my shetland pony becuz I was gonna go ridin' with a friend. She lived a 1/2 mile away and I was goin' alone....this was huge deal!!
I rode off into the sunset...not really...it was more of down the road and up a hill to the south...but I was feelin' pretty good.
As I got there, she was still saddlin' up her horse. My pony, Star, was as gentle as a dog and friendly....he thought that it was okay to sniff Gypsy's nose. Both horses reached their muzzles out and touched....with the electric fence in between the noses!!

Star reared back and took off like a shot!!!
He didn't know what had happened but he was goin' back home where it was safe!!!
He ran at high speed all the way home!!
Not once slippin' on the pavement!

You ask I know this....I was ridin' him the whole freakin' way!!!
I might have been screamin'....that was such a long time ago....I can't imagine me not screamin' the whole way!
I pulled on those reigns hard but there was no stoppin' him!
I couldn't get him to turn, he had it in his head he was goin' home!!
So I just let him go.

Have you ever been on a runaway horse??
Me, way too many times!! I haven't been on a horse in 25 years...a streak that I will continue!
But a runaway shetland pony???
Not a smooth ride!!

And then I saw it...the barbed wire gate!
I was just sick!!
That was where I learned the term....stoppin' dead in your tracks....Star did!
Dead!
He knew he didn't want to go thru that fence!
So he just stopped.
All horse motion stopped.

I did not stop!
I went over the top!!!
And landed in a crumpled heap at Daddy's feet.

"That didn't take long!"

So NO! Electric shock therapy is out for me!

Stay tuned...therrrre's more!

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Thought For the Day....

What will be written on your tombstone?

I plan on havin' one...though my ashes will be on the star in Texas Stadium. A marker where those that love me can lay flowers...and those that don't can dance....or spit..... I won't care!!

So I now have to come up with something.

Short and to the point....like me!

I know what I am puttin' on Roy's..."I AM the Fuckin' Police!"

You???

Go see Live Free and Die Hard!! I love BruceWillis!!
Yippee-Ki-Yay!!

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

One Man's Trash is My Treasure!

Okay enough bitchin....

When Roy strutted into my life......like a peacock on a Turquoise and White Harley, he instantly thought that I needed to be put high on a pedestal....I'm gonna let him, and he carries me around on a pink satin Goose-down pillow still to this day! He tries to make all my dreams some true.....I am so spoiled!

I was bitchin'......aaahh...casually mentioned......once that I wanted some new furniture. His love seat is a piece of shit!
"I like my love seat! It's comfortable!", he retorts.
It was cream colored but thru 3 kids and umpteen bazillion cats and dogs and Roy, it's more of a dirt color.
And after one wrestlin' match that some how involved food, the arm is broken...the kids were really tough on the furniture!
And it has a good coat of hair.....I hate it!

"Wouldn't you like a big ol' leather lazy-boy recliner?" Something not bought at an auction.
"It matches Your couch!"

Well now, that was the point of gettin' rid of his love seat....I would get rid of my couch!

Hold that thought.....

He likes to go to estate auctions....the manly kind where there are manly things like tools....his obsession with tools is about like mine with shoes.....though he has more!

And there is NO DEAL beneficial to me!

At these auctions, we usually come home with all kinds of junk....my house is furnished in Late American Crap!

Lots of end tables and dressers.....that are just full of clothes!!
We have some very nice pieces...none of it matches!
He has brought home all sorts of thingamabobs that I have no clue...nor does he....he just wanted it.

He once bought me a rockin' chair....two actually.....one for the back porch and one that sits in the living room....it has clothes in it.

The one on the back porch some how was put upstairs a couple of years ago....he didn't want someone comin' to rob our house to take my chair....his heart is in the right place.

They have stolen the lawn furniture.....which was bought at an auction......it was built in 1922.....right off my front porch!!
I was workin' on it.....a project that lasted 3 years.....and poof.....one day, it was gone!!!
Roy thought that maybe the neighbors could see the potential in it and thought they could use as I hadn't touched it years.

Damn those neighbors!!!

I told him that if I ever see it sittin' someone's yard, I am takin' it back!!
To which he replied, "Don't hold your breath!"
That is his story and he is stickin' to it!!!


I have seen the other rocker upstairs....it's under a pile of clothes.


But where were we......my new piece of furniture!!


He bought me a buffet!! It's a nice piece.
"You said you wanted new furniture!"

Matchin' pieces that smell new!!

He didn't say how much he paid for it.....I don't want to know those things.

We spent most of the weekend rearrangin' my computer desk.....bought at an auction...so my new buffet would fit in with the rest of the junk.....Late American Crap!

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Some Days....

You're the TopDog.....Some Days.....you're a Hydrant!!

And today is startin' out bad....I may as well cut off my finger nails now....they are just gonna break off.....some odd way....that hurts!!!

For months, I have had this on goin' battle with some chick in a red FordSUV. We leave to go to work at the same time...she speeds....Which doesn't bother me....it's her business.....and if she is behind me....she tailgates.
That bothers me!!! And is just more than I can take. She won't pass. The faster I drive the faster she drives...it drives me crazy!!!
I need breathin' room.
I may speed but I don't tailgate.....I try to only break one law at a time.
If some critter runs out onto the road and I need to take evasive action....like brake hard....I'm wearin' that piece of shit Ford!!!
The forth time she tailgated me...for me that is a HUGE step in friendly relations with the public...I slammed on the brakes.....she got the idea and backed off.
One day, I come around DeadMan's Curve to find her sittin' there waitin' to pull out......OH GREAT!!
Now I have to have that bitch on my ass all the way to town!!!
That must have been the look on my face when we locked eyes....and I have a very expressive face....the BossMan calls it Pissy......becuz she kept her distance.
And I thought, Good Girl!! She's learnin'.
Roy listens to all this and his wise words were, "Leave at a different time so you don't have to be on the road with her."
So I did.
I get to work early enough not to be on the road with her!!
So today, as I pass by a C-Store, I saw the Deacon's Wife comin' out....I knew she would be right behind me.
As I got out of my car, I caught a glimpse a red SUV.....that's the Deacon's Wife...I wave!!

BUT NO....It's that Chick!!!!

And she's lookin'....at me....wavin' at her.....mystified!!!

Oh Great!!!!
Now she probably thinks I want to be friends!!!
Have coffee together......do each other's hair!!!!!

And there goes the Deacon's Wife right behind her!!!

Seriously, where is the nail trimmers??? I should just cut them off now!!!!

Monday, June 25, 2007

Mysteries of Life and Other Things That Piss Me Off!

What part of a Red light do some people not get???

It means to stop. PERIOD. STOP!

That lil ol' yellow light means to slow down....use caution..... becuz it will be shortly turning RED!!!!
You Freak!!!! NOT SPEED UP!!!!

My light is green....as a gourd....and I am by God goin'!

Mark it in your books...Green, I GO!

And yet I am stopped! Becuz your freakin' ass is in the middle of the intersection!!!!

Don't sit there and look at me like I am in the wrong....I am not in the middle of the intersection blockin' freakin' traffic and runnin' a redlight!!!!!!


Have people forgotten all manners when it comes to phones??? I'm not talkin' about cell phones and all the rudeness that goes with them...but the those people that do not say Good Bye when the conversation is over!!
I have been hung up on SEVERAL TIMES....I had no idea that we were done...it just went dead!!!
Once....I was still talkin'!!!!!!!



Why, oh please tell me, why can't I capitalize the numbers????

Do you have any idea HOW manys times I have been typin' along and want to emphasize numbers only to look up and see %%&&(&...What the hell????

Saturday, June 23, 2007

And The Survey Says.....

Day dreaming......Apparently we all do it....not 1 person said they didn't!
It was a tie, 31%, between dreamin' about how to spend the lottery and daydreamin' about other things....What are those other things???

Anyway....I think daydreamin' is a good thing....the world needs dreamers.....we wouldn't be what we are if we didn't dream about things...the way it could be...or our goals in life.

I daydream a lot!!
I spend 85 percent of my time alone....with critters....that gives me lots of time to do it!
I mostly think of ways to spend the mega million dollar lottery....someday, I'm gonna hafta buy a ticket!

I would share!!!

I would throw a party!
Invite all my friends...RealWorld and BlogLanders.....RealWorld friends have kids in college....And above all....MzThystle deserves to have a rockin' birthday party!
Baby, We would do it up Vegas style....what happens at a Hightower Party, stays at a Hightower Party.....and THAT must be done in the state of Nevada!!!!
They have "different laws" there!!
And I video tape!!!
Solely for Prosperity!!
While we are in Vegas I would bankroll TheCalmDragon at poker.....he needs a new crowd...Viva LasVegas.....Can you dig it??

I would do my dead level best to boost the economy....I would shop 'til I dropped!!!
OOOhhhh would MzKaty, TheQueen, and I, shoe shop....A girl needs all the red high heels she can stand in!!
And I need a little work done.....if I'm gonna claim to be 35!
Mz Thystle, Mz Gina, and I would have to stage an intervention with MzDarlene....she is need of some serious help....dare I say it?
It just chokes me up thinkin' about it.
She only has a couple of purses to her name....and no fancy underwear!!!!!
Tsk tsk!!

She's gonna need some when we cruise the Caribbean!!
Which brings me to a huge problem....How am I gonna get MzWarm to the cruise ship???
She won't fly!!!
I would hire a limo to go get her....stop over in Nebraska....I can't party without my Cornhuskers!!
With or without the spouses...That would be your call!
And too, that might be THE ONLY WAY to get MzAngie to Travel!!!
Wouldn't that be a hoot!!

And I am a weirdo....you might not have noticed.....but I would have to stand on the corner in Winslow, Arizona....for my daddy!
He wanted to do that!

I have a lot of time on my hands....or rather my mind....it doesn't take a lot of mind power to shave a dog's ass.....so I daydream!

I told Roy that we could split it down the middle and he could go his way and I would go my way.....and he got all pissy!!
Dude!! We could meet back in a year and see what we have left!!
You know he would spend it all different!! Cars, Motorcycles....and tools!!
Why, if you win the Mega Million Dollar lottery, would you want tools????

And I would follow Ted Nugent around the country and be in the first row where ever he played!!

Oh and let's not forget sexual fantasties.....which came in at 22%.....the bar.....a stranger....tall....blonde....well built....aaahhh......where is that pocket rocket when I need it????

Thursday, June 21, 2007

What A Week!

It may seem to many that I might be Bi-Polar or something....I've been tested....I'm not!

Sorry for the drama.....Sometime I need a DandySlap!
Thanks for the offer of the Pigs....I'll keep that in mind.
And I now know, I have "Da Crew from New Yor" to come and kick ass if I need!!

And the dream still bugs me....Why wasn't I in the VIP Section!?!?!?!?
I can understand the death of my ex and even Rosie but the Hooligans and WHY I would care so much about the proper manners at HIS funeral is beyond me!!
Sleepin' with the Patron or the Captain is normally a good thing and no weirdass dreams....I sleep like a baby! hhhmmmm.....what baby sleeps with booze its bottle???

I bought the newest Big and Rich CD.....more ballads than their rip roarin' songs from the past. I now have an album of Big Kenny singin' to me.
But there is A Total Butcher of AC/DC's Shake Me All Night Long......puttin' a Texas twang on it was sooooo wrong!!
So I have mixed feelings about it. If it had been the first album I had ever heard, I wouldn't love them as much as I do......And I do love the UpBeat Songs!!
That is where I got the line "I wanna laugh, and love. I just wanna live it up!" Six Foot Town.....love it!

The voting has slowed on the survey but I don't want to work on it until Saturday. If you haven't voted, please do!
Or any ideas for a poll...email me!

I have spendin' lots of time on Facebook and lurkin' at other's blogs between dogs....I hope to catch up today!!

Have a great day!!

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

What a Freakin' NightMare!!!!!

Okay, so I had this dream last night about my ex-hubby, Earl Lee.
He died!
Some sorta work accident...which would never happen...he's too lazy to have an accident!
We were all gathering for his funeral and like normal, I was slingin' orders and makin' sure that everyone knew where to go....Where is his wife??
The girls went in the family car but I took my grandson and my grandpa...who in reality HATES Earl Lee...but seems to love him in my dream....ahead to the church......He would never have a church funeral.....but in my dream he does!!
We arrive at the church and sit in one of the rows reserved for family...the second row....and there are all these people....I never knew Earl Lee knew so many people!
Stands to reason he had so many freakin' jobs...9 a year!!!
Bastard!!!
I lost a house becuz of him!!!
Anyway...all these people were truckers....Earl Lee is a truck driver.....but they looked more like hooligans....rabid BritishSoccer fans.....and they took over the first row
My daughters are supposed to sit there!!
Somebody needs to jerk a knot in their tails!!!
Where is his wife?????
They were all over the place....to the right....moving chairs....behind the casket....just makin' themselves t' home!
Then some one behind me says, "Little Mary isn't gonna dance at the funeral."
What???
I was told I couldn't dance on his casket!!!
And who is Little Mary???
And all the people began to settle down and on the stage....yep a stage....was JeffProbst! I elbow Roy, "It's that guy from Survivor! How does he know Earl Lee?"
Where is his wife?
And then it happened.....the spotlight went to center stage and there she was.....Rosie O'Donnell!!!
With BobBarker's skinny microphone!!!!!!!
She starts crackin' jokes and reads the list of survivors, askin' them to stand and wave to the crowd!!!
Oh, This isn't good....why isn't his wife upset....my girls are in the back of the room becuz of all those hooligans...One daughter stands shyly and waves...the other won't budge!
And then sin of all sins.....Rosie picks a fight with PoorLilElizabeth....who was sittin' in the VIP section with BarbaraWalters.....by this point, I do not care where his wife is....I have had enough!

I am cleanin' her clock!
I hand my grandson to Roy and go thru the first row throwin' hooligans while the rest all ducked for cover....I was goin' for Rosie!!
I woke up just as my hands were on her throat!!

I swear to you that I haven't had a drink since Sunday!!!!!

Anyone???? Ideas?????

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Wise Words From the Old Man!

Put the Pigs on hold....And any ass kickin' must wait.....Roy sorta put it all into prospective for me....and friend sorta "slapped me" with a comment.

Roy listened to the whole thing.
And then said, "He has never been anything but polite to us. Has he ever said anything outta line to you in private?"
No!
"Up until 2 weeks ago, he had never put 2 and 2 together, putting you with me. You are just a person he knows works at the VetClinic."
True!
I have had his son in my car after school. I picked him and the BossMan's son up once. He waved and smiled.
"So after makin' a statement like that, maybe his hands were tied. He is caught up in the same system that we are in and he can't do anything about it."
That could be true!
"You need to let it go."
It's not easy some days but we will laugh and love...and live it up despite it all!!

Monday, June 18, 2007

A Blitherin' Idiot....

That is what this is....rants of a blitherin' idiot!!
But there is just some shit I just don't get!


A man walks in and asks me if I remember him.


What????


My brain screams, "Fuck Yeah! I remember you! You turned my life upside down and drug me thru the shit! My life is what it is becuz of you and your type, you lyin' freak!"



But what comes out of my mouth, that I have forced into a smile, "Sure, do you have more kittens for me?"

I wonder if he can see the pain in my eyes?
He must! He looks away despite my fake smile.


The conversation turns to his profession.....And stray cats.....And he says, "I was told to treat everyone the same. And I can't treat each person and each case on their own merits."


We aren't talkin' about kittens anymore!!

Thinkin' about it now, I think I could actually cry!!


Justice is not only blind but deaf as well becuz no matter how loud you scream the truth nobody hears it!!

Yep, the tears fall!


Was he tryin' to justify what he did?
That it wasn't in his control???
Why doesn't he step up to the plate now and fix it??
I know why.....I know the truth.
A few weeks ago, MzGina asked me about MrsBullMoose and this post is about her.......MrsBullMoose.....you think I'm kiddin' but that name suits her to a T!! She cusses like a sailor!! Bossy and always in a hurry.....we have so much in common!!!
She's a widow. Roy and I refer to as the MerryWitter....she refers to herself as The AustrianSwinga....and she has a thick German accent.....though she has been here since 1945....and drops the F-Bomb at will....so you tell me if I'm too far off base about our similarities!
I met her 12 years ago when we moved to the country through the VetOffice. She is a real kick in the pants, no nonsense sorta gal.
When she met Roy, she says, to me, "If I were 30 years younger, I'd give you a run for your money! He's a handsome devil!"
That, he is!!!
When her Husband died last year and she had him cremated and he stays on the mantle near her stuffed Doberman...that's right!! She had her favorite Doberman stuffed!! It sounds creepy but....to each his own.
We used to spend our Thursdays getting her hair fixed....you know how little old ladies like to have the hair fixed....it was always up high in a bee hive.
And then she had a fallin' out with the hairdresser over me....some people believe what they read in the newspaper and the gossip around town......the media paints a picture far worse than it is and nothing about the truth.....and judge me by that crap not by my character........I do have my adult moments!
I adore this woman and her loyalty!!! MrsBullMoose gave up the bee hive becuz of some TightAss ChurchLady!!!
So now we spend much of our Thursdays shoppin' and fightin' over purses. She has beat me out of two!!
Thank God she doesn't wear the same size shoe!!
I told her it's okay about the purses. "Just put them together along with that ring I want and you can give them to me when you're done with them."
She has this ring...it is beautiful!! A pearl on cushion, set in platinum....she told me it was an engagement ring from some fella she had promised to marry before the Nazi's rolled into Vienna..."Doze Suckas!"
I never know what's gonna come from her mouth...we were at the Casino havin' lunch...they have old time music playin'....and she hears TonyBennett!! She leans over to me, "He was a great kisser. Mmmmm..."
She has a picture of her with CharletonHeston back in 1965....Oooh, was she gorgeous!! That tight dress with those huge knockers and white gloves...well glove....I am sure the other hand was on CharletonHeston's Ass!!!

And a temper......OOOh My!! Once we were on the road to town, a tractor was movin to another field.....backin' up traffic....oh did she lose it!! I didn't look at her when we passed the tractor but I hope she didn't flip him off.

Do you see the similarities??

And every time we go out it is something like that....always!
And there you have it....I just simply adore her, she's a hoot!

Friday, June 15, 2007

Wouldn't It Be Cool....

....if we could do what we want!!

I heard a song on the radio....you know....that thing that comes with the car that music plays for free....no IPoop thing for me...that I would never be able to figure out!!


Anyway....My Sharona!! Remember that song??? The Knack???


When you gonna give it to me, give it to me.
It is just a matter of time Sharona
Is it just destiny, destiny?
Or is it just a game in my mind, Sharona?
Never gonna stop, give it up.
Such a dirty mind.
Always get it up for the touch of the younger kind.
My my my i yi woo. M M M My Sharona......Wooo!!!



Wouldn't be cool to name your baby that????
I wanted to do that! My Ex-Hubby voted against it!
I would have named both girls after songs......I have my own song...So cool!!!
My Momma used to sing it to me.....And the Real ShitStorm of it is....I can't even tell you what that song is...bummer!!



NOT ONE WORD!!

Anyway, I would have a daughter named Sharona and one named Roxanne!!



RRRRRoxanne, You don't have to wear that dress tonight.
Walk the streets for money
You don't care if it's wrong or if it's right


Talk about needin' therapy!!
Like Eudora Mae and Edith Anne don't need it as it is....I am their mother!!!


She move around like a wave of summer breeze,
Go, driver, go, go, catch her balmy breeze.
Moving thru the traffic like a mounted cavalier.
Leaning out the taxi window trying to make her hear
Nadine, Honey, is that you?
Oh, Nadine!
Honey, is that you?
Seems like every time I see you Darling you got something else to do.......Chuck Berry


Led Zeppelin sings it too....and it is at the end of the Corsican Brother....done by Cheech and Chong....way cool!!

What is your song???

Thursday, June 14, 2007

And The Survey Says.....

I was born a redhead....so there is a fiery attitude under the surface!Dig those shoes! I was stylin' even at 6months!!
Over the years my hair took on a life of it own.....strawberry blonde to dishwater blonde.....drawin' boys and then men in only to feel the wrath of the redhead!
I wasn't so shocked that the survey put brunettes ahead, Roy has a soft spot for them....I don't know why!!
There were only two votes for blondes...me and MzBeth!!!
There were more votes for Baldies than blondes!!!!
And the redheads....came in behind brunettes! That really surprises me!
But where men are concerned.....I don't care if they have hair or not.....they must be tall!! Uniform is optional!!
Thank MzJean! Again another one of her ideas. If you have one, let me know!
Be sure to vote in the next poll!!

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Can I Start Over???

I'm havin' a bad day!

Really, I think I just wanna lay in bed......and do nothing!
Well, Big Kenny can sing to me....Lawzy, he has one of those voices that hits me jjjjjust right! Tall men....yummy!!

I choked on a pill this am.....and was alone....but with 6 cats watchin' me....Roy would find my cold dead body half eaten!

I'm sweatin' and I ain't doin' a damn thing!!!

I couldn't sign in to MSN!
I couldn't sign the wall for MzBeth!

I'm gonna go now....take my pity party and leave....and it's not even 9:00!!!

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Guess What I Heard???

"Aaahh...I think there's something wrong with your fish!"

At least 3 times a week! I hate that fish!!!



From KMOD Radio Station: LONG LIVE THE ROCK BRIGADE!!!!

Did you know that if the right testicle hangs lower than the left that the man is left handed?? And vice versa???

I wonder if they hang equally level if he is ambidextrous???

"Yes, the Patron is good, but you drink like a fish and I can't afford to keep in it!"

Damn it!!! I Can't Get Away From That Fish!!!



From BC comics: "Some say reincarnation reinstates you to a life-form opposite to your present one."


I guess I was a tall man.

A VERY tall shy sober man.

With a great tan.

And a right testicle that dangles lower!

Damn it!! For some reason that irks me.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Sunday...Wasn't So Bad!

I've had better!

Started out early...6Am! I had cats playin' all around me all night long. I woke up with one on my hip growlin' and swattin' the others away...."Let Her sleep!"
Roy compromised with me, "If they start being mean, we'll leave early!"

My brain was a ginnin' as fast as it could to come up with something to provoke them!!
Roy's mother says to his brother, "Thank you for comin' over every day to check on us. You don't have to do that." She turns to me, "Roy would do that if he LIVED NEARBY." I just smiled, "No he wouldn't."

But I was not the biggest bitch in the doghouse!!
Roy's mother's sister....OMG!!!
I pale in comparison!
If she wasn't talkin' my ear off she was bitchin' about the restuarant!
Or the food!
Or the amount of food!
Or the cost of food!!

Roy's brother left a 3pm....I started poutin'!!! We left at 4! We made it home by 7 and was ready for the Soprano's!!
Yippee!!
Which was for the best....Tivo doesn't live in our house.
WE rely on the VCR!
Which was programmed to go record, but managed to get home in time to watch it.
We let the VCR do it's thing anyway....and thru some major screw up despite all the double checkin'....I managed to tape the PlayboyChannel instead!!!

So there we were watchin' the Soprano's with a storm pushin' across the area, hopin' the Satellite isn't goin' to be cut off....or the power....when right at the end when I thought Tony was gonna get whacked in a brutal killin' in front of his children.....why were we watchin' Meadow park the car???
She looked like me tryin' to park.....but I just say fuck it and get out!!
Just as a we are watchin' that man get up and go to pull a gun out to kill Tony...only to go to the bathroom....Meadow rushes in the diner....the TV goes blank!!
Shit!!!
Now Roy and I look at each other like was that the storm?????

But NOOOOOOOO.....The End!

Saturday, June 09, 2007

Something's Wrong!!!

I have Blogger's Block!!
Normally, my mind is racing 90 to nothing with all sorts of ideas but I got nothing!!
Chalk it up to lack of sleep......too much tequila....no, that can be it.
I have a bad Sunday ahead of me....and an upset stomach....too much tequila????
And on top of not being able to sleep...when I did sleep, I had this weirdass dream about dead mice....What the Hell????
My InnerCat is outta whack!

Bad Sunday Ahead of me.....it's the OldFolks 60th Anniversary. That means a 3 hour trip down the turnpikes to OKC, to sit around stiff as a poker and bored outta my mind for how long I don't know!!!
But long enough to miss the LAST EPISODE of Sopranos....EVER!!!!!!!!!!
I have tried to come up the all sorts of reasons not to go but Roy just grins that StupidAss grin and says "No! If I go, you go!"
So let's just think about the up side of this.....I don't have to go to Texas to celebrate this 60th thing! The OldLady wanted to go to Texas.....she thinks it's God's Country....I envision God's Country as being a COOL 72 and NOT HUMID and NO FIRE Frickin' ANTS.....They used to own a cabin down there and we celebrated their 50th there....it was extremely hot, humid, and those ants!!!
I don't have to serve 100's of guests!!
I don't have to bake anything!!! And we all know I CAN'T BAKE!!!
The OldLady is havin' a tizzy over it becuz we are not "Doin' it up right". I told Roy we just need to stand back and let it settle and throw some money at it later....so far my plan is workin' quite well!

That's it!
That's all she wrote........

Thursday, June 07, 2007

It's Time to Get Western!!

That's what the BossMan tells me every time we have to deal with goats.
I'm not fond of goats.
He told that they don't bite but I just know that I will be the one that gets bitten....like some sort of record...."Oh look Ethel!! The first person EVER to be bitten by a goat."
Why wouldn't they bite???
He said the worst thing that could happen it that the goat would raise his head up and hook me with a horn.....DUH!!!
That would be worse!!!

My 3 Goat Encounters of the Worst Kind:

3) Yesterday, a Boer goat needed a hernia repaired.....some drug rep said over the phone, "You are doin' surgery on a goat's knee??? What did she do that she needs a knee fixed?"

Get it???
HER Nia......Roy laughed his ass off at that one.....I really need to talk right!!!

But Anyway.....it was funny only if you were there....I should have taken pix of the whole thing...I would have needed a video camera.
Goats....kinda....sorta....come and go while under anesthesia ....that means they will kick....I was the Official Leg Holder.....and they snore.....and neigh....nnnaaa...snore....nnnaaa....snore...snore....snore.....kick.....snore.....you get the idea!!!

All the while the BossMan...who bitches about the electric bill.....starts sweatin' ....and bitchin' about the heat!

Well, if you would let me run the AC YOU wouldn't be sweatin'!!!

And then the phone would ring...And I had to go thru the episode with the drug rep.
Or some one would come in.....And wanted to tell their life story.
And Now I smell like goat!!!
The BossMan said, "Yeah, I meant to tell you...Oh, Roy will be all over you tonight!! Like a duck on a Junebug!"

2) The time the couple brought in the Pygmy goat to be neutered. They wanted it as a pet.

I try not to judge....to each his own!

So the BossMan says, "It's time to get Western and learn your pay!" He reaches down and grabs up that goat by the leg and hands him to me!!!

ICK!!!!
HOLD IT!?!?!?!

Thank God, I was wearin' my tennis shoes and not my flip flops becuz Testicles were being slung !!! One bounced off my foot!!
I just looked at him like he did that on purpose and he just grinned!!

And the absolutely worst time......

1) A couple brought in a momma pygmy goat in labor and in distress.
The BossMan comes up and picks up my hand.....no rings....just a weddin' band....throws me some gloves...."Put these on and follow me."

What????

He had me put my hand up the business end to feel for stuff.....talk about gettin' personal!!!
The Momma wasn't too thrilled about all this!!!
I wasn't too thrilled!!!!

I felt like a man fumblin' in the dark to find the RIGHT hole!!!!!!
I had no idea what I was feelin' except repulsion!!!

I haven't been asked to do that again!!!

By the way, I LOVE MY JOB!!!!

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

And The Survey Says.....

"So are you ready to shave off the mustache?"

He opened this conversation like we had been discussin' it for days....When in fact this was the first I have heard of it!

"Yours or Mine?" I replied.


He rolled his eyes, but I continued, "It is in the fine print of the Pre-Nupt that it is never to be shaved off!"


He said, "Yours or Mine?"


The Idiot!!

Now my eyes are rollin'!!

"Yours!!! Mine, with a little pain and a lot of wax doesn't exist!"



And most who voted like mustaches!!

Who can resist one of those big ol' brushy 'staches like Sam Elliot or Tom Selleck...I groove on those....in more ways than one!

And Roy wants to shave his off???

As I sit here lookin' at his high school photo and his Marine Corps photo....that clean baby face was good then but I love his Wyatt Earp thing he has goin' on now!



Beards...Roy can have a full beard in 2 weeks and normally sports one all winter long. But he keeps it neat....his brother's...not so neat. Beards need to be trimmed and the neck needs to be shaved....and not lookin' like a fur suit! ICK!!!



Clean baby face lead over Beards....to each his or her own! I think I just like facial hair...yours not mine!!!

Again this poll idea was Mz Jeans....I do believe in givin' credit where credit is due......Thanks Chick!

Be sure to vote in the next poll!!!

Monday, June 04, 2007

I Have Been So Freakin' Busy!!!

Ugh!!! I really hate it too!!!

Let's see what's new....Check out my Meez and Friendz....look for it to the right.....Make one for yourself and let me know so I can add you to the list....some more things to goof off with...that is what it's all about!

I have a Facebook page now.....I am spreadin' my line of BullShit around but good...Oh Well!! Something else to goof off with....it's what I do best!!

A Helpful Tip: If you use a sunless tanner, do not shave your legs the day you apply it! And be sure to use a bodyscrub!!
One of our clients told me I need some sun on my legs....which I do....I am pale. I am a white woman and proud of it....besides I freckle. He suggested that I use a sunless bronzer and called his wife to find out what it is.....Loreal Sublime Bronze....and she told me about the leg shavin' thing.....shave one day and scrub the next day and then apply the bronzer. She only uses it once a week. I said "thank you" for the tips and decided I would try it.

30 minutes later, she called back! "If you want me to show you how to apply it I will."


What????

I'm No Prude! But the thought of being in a client's home for HER to rub lotion on my legs was a bit disconcertin'!!!
Just about as much as when the woman at the mall told me I would look good with a Tattoo on my boob...."It would look good right there."....and touch it!!
I don't want to look like an Oompa Loompa but I think I can figure it out!!

The things I get myself into.....Geez!!!

Good Grief Gerty!!! It's 4:00!! I still have blogs to read!!!

Friday, June 01, 2007

How Old Are You?

That question has came up a lot recently.
A couple have asked outright. The lady that booked our cruise, "How old are you?" innocently enough. I sat there mullin' it over...long enough for her to look up and say, "I need to know for the cruise information."
"No, That's okay. I just have to think about it. I tell every one that I am 35 so I have to do a little computin' to figure out how old I really am. 41! Yep that's it!"
And that's not true!
I'm 42!! When you don't keep count they add up quickly!!!
She just smiled.
Some beat around the bush...one lady asked, "How old are your kids?"
I didn't give it a lot of thought, "22 and 24".
That I know!
She looked shocked....which is a good thing becuz she said, "I didn't think that they were that old!"

One man said "When did you start havin' babies? 10?"
Bless him!! He will be my next hubby!!

Back when the girls lived at home, they told me. They made it a point to know how old I was. I was over 21, I didn't care! We would go somewhere and someone would ask my age, I just stood there thinkin' about it. One of them would pipe up and say. "MooooM, you're 26!"
I truly don't care how old I am.
Nor do I know what my home phone number is....I don't call myself!!!

Now one would think that Roy, love of my life, would have it down. At least my birthday...But no!!
He took the deposit down to the lady that booked our cruise and he called me, "Hey Babe, When is your birthday?"
Why does he have to ask?
And I JUST told her yesterday how old I was....did you not believe me??
I mean I did say 41 and I am really 42!!!
None the less, I told him.
"Really?? I thought you were older than that!"
Roll my eyes....."No, that's your other wife! You really need to keep us straight!"

The RainGods Hate Me!! Part 3

Tuesday, There was a 60% chance of rain.....it was pretty gray and miseriable....it never rain one drop!!! My car sat in the heat all day long with the windows up!!
Wednesday, There was 60% chance of rain....but the sun was shinin'.....10:30 I rolled the windows down! 11:00 I rolled them back up....I chickened out!! It was rainin' like a cow pissin' on a flat rock by 2:00!!!
Thursday, beautiful sunny skies!!! Humid as Hell!!
Friday, it's been rainin' since 4AM!!! A real ToadStrangler!!!!
The RainGods Hate Me!!!!!!


Nope! I have learned you get a whole lot further with men if you smile and show some cleavage...than to throw a Slap-On them!
The Service Manager could see that TheBoy had met his match and was fixin' to get killed so he took over. "Come with me and I see what I can do."
It was all I could do not to stick my tongue out at TheBoy!
But...funny thing.....the Service Manager looks awhole lot like the man who's wife gave me a lap dance at a concert!!! She was drunk.....my boobs got in the way....."Are those real?" poke poke.....he got embarrassed and left.....but she stayed....friendly thing!!!


Anyway.....the window switch, it cost me $225.00 to get it fixed!
On Monday they put in the part and on Thursday.....

I decided to fill the car up with gas and get tokens for the drive thru car wash...It needed a bath. It had been thru a lot lately and needed a treat! I drove over to the car wash bay and powered down the window and dropped the tokens in and powered the window back up....all was well!!!

I was quite happy with how things were turnin' out! The car wash sprayer arm went around once and water came in the car!!! I must not have gotten a good seal! I power it down about 3 inches and pushed the button to go back up and NOTHING HAPPENED!!!!!!!

OH SHIT!!!!!!!!!
By now the spray arm was at the side....I couldn't see to back up.....what if some one was behind me???????

Oh Shit!!!!!!!
I couldn't go forward becuz now the spray arm was in front of me!!!!!!!!!!

Oh Shit!!!!
I did what all good women do!!! I held up my towel to block as much of the water was I could and took it in the face!!!! The minute I could get past the arm I put it in 1st and drove out!!!!

Do you know that they have alarms at the car wash??????

whoop whoop whoop "LOOK AT THE IDIOT THAT JUST TOOK IT IN THE FACE!!!!!!!!" whoop whoop whoop

I was hot!!! BEYOND MAD!!! I could see me drivin' straight down to the Chevy Dealer and reamin' out a couple of mechanics!
I was Wet!!!!! You know mad as a wet hen sorta thing!!
I bailed out of that car and immediately started wipin' everything down.....water was clear to the other seat, All over the dash, and in the back seat........AND ON MY NEW $225 POWER SWITCH!!!!!!!!!

I pushed it just hard enough while wipin' it off.....and it went up!!!!!!

Roy said, "I hope you learned something from this."

"Never ever use the drive thru car wash!! Or trust those bozos at the Chevy Dealer!"

He rolled his eyes....I don't think that was the lesson I was supposed to learn!

The RainGods Won!! I Give up!!!