Thursday, May 31, 2007

A Break in the Tale...

I will finish the RainGods Story later......there is more!!

Our Memorial weekend was pretty damn scary!!!
SuperMoodyBitch reared her ugly head and took charge!!
She is still about but not as intense!! I think she has a problem with heat and humidity!!!
Her shins sweat!!
I have never seen anybody's shins sweat!!
My hair was adorable until she took over.....and it went straight as a poker!!!
It was awful!!
The BossMan called early Sunday to say he would take care of the animals....he did me NO favors!!! So Roy and I planned on going to see the Pirate Movie...I liked it!!
So me and SuperMoodyBitch got ready to go to town in a very damp sticky humid house.....there was yellin' and cussin'...and hair was down and then up....but always damp....in fact....it was still damp 4 hours later!!!!!
I finally had HER hair is some sort of fashion that was agreeable to both of us and didn't involve anything sharp or deadly!
Then there was the look for shoes.
Roy said, "Why aren't all your shoes on the shoe rack I bought you?"
SuperMoodyBitch said, "YOU only bought ONE rack and I have 100's of shoes!" And grabbed the broom to dig around under the bed!
He left the house for me and SuperMoodyBitch to find shoes....which we settled for a different pair than what we wanted....if SuperMoodyBitch wasn't so freakin' hot she might have kept diggin'!!

I announced, "I'm ready to go!"
Roy said, "Are you sure?"
SuperMoodyBitch, "NO!!!" and went lookin' for her earrings.

I announced, "I'm ready!"
Roy, "Are you sure?"
SuperMoodyBitch, "NO!!!" and went off to look for her glasses.

SuperMoodyBitch announced she was ready and we left!!

The drive to town was just as awful! She couldn't get enough A/C!! She yelled at traffic...oh the cussin'......I mean really......Doesn't that model car come with a turn signal or is it optional and you chose to be an asswipe......but I have to admit she kept her fingers to herself!!

Roy quietly inquired, "You are havin' a bad day, aren't you?"
SuperMoodyBitch looked at him, "What was your first clue?"
But brave man that he is, he waded in even deeper, "Is your period comin' anytime soon?"
"Now how the Hell do I know!!"
"Does it not come at the same time every month?"
That was it!!
SuperMoodyBitch had had enough!!!
She laid her trap for him.....there was gonna be a killin'!!!
"If I were normal!!! And when have you ever known me to be normal!!??"

The was a long pause.....he didn't say a word....and he didn't roll his eyes!!

SuperMoodyBitch took a deep breathe and gained her composure......that took at least a mile and half mile!!
And she said, very calmly, "Honey where do you want to eat breakfast?"

Roy replied, "Anywhere you want, Baby!"

He walked gracefully around that trap!

Sunday, we went over to feed, water and walk the critters. The first thing I noticed was the OfficeFish!!
He was at the bottom of the bowl...just like the betta was when he died!!
I got the key to open up the curio cabinet to flush him away when he started swimmin' around!!!
That Stupid Fish!!!
He had the nerve to lip SuperMoodyBitch!!!!!
But she didn't take it out on the OfficeFish....only poor Roy!!! He had to hear all that cussin' about that StupidFish.....he just grinned but he didn't dare say a word!!!

There has to be a special place in Heaven for that man.....he puts up with so much!!!

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

The RainGods Hate Me! Part 2

There is always more!!

In 1998, when Roy and I strolled in the Chevy dealer we had no intentions of buying a car....but we did....right off the showroom floor. I knew it the minute I saw it, it was meant for me. And Roy drove it home.
I had a fan club! It, a Camaro SS, was the first one in the county. Many people....mostly men....came to see it. From cops to teenagers, they would circle the parkin' lot to look at it. Or those that were more bold would actually park in front of it, nose to nose and stare. It was awesome!! I "bathed" it weekly!! I had a fan club, I had to keep it shiny!!!
I love my car!! I am in tune with it...like a Jedi Knight...I know when something is wrong with it. Once I got back from lunch and it smelled hot....I called Roy. "There is something wrong with the car!" Turned out to be the water pump. And when it happened again......it was the heater hose!

Over the years, the fan club has dwindled, the baths were less frequent and it's showin' its age......still no dents!!! Just chips in the paint from High speeds on the highway.

A few years back I started getting gas where if I filled up I could get a discount on car washes. What a great idea! It is just so much easier to drive thru than to get out and walk around with that spray nozzle....it hurt my hand....carpal tunnel...or something.
That is when it happened! The power window thingy started acting up. I had put in my car wash tokens in the machine and pressed the button for the window to go back up when NOTHING happened!
Shit!!!!
I backed the car up and got out...why I'm not sure....maybe to rethink it....to plan my next move...I think better walkin' and cussin' at with a lot of arm wavin'.....so I decided to get back in and turn the key off and turn it back on and hopefully the window would go up....NOTHING!!!!!
Screw the Tokens! and I drove home.....Let Roy handle it!!!
And do you know that the thing worked!!!!!
Of course Roy didn't see a problem.....nothing to fix!
This sort of thing went on for 6 months!! Some days the window would work and some days it would only go part way!
I chalked it up to the RainGods!! They saw fit to sabotage my power window!!!! I had been cussin' at them for years!!
It is not enough that I can't roll my windows down...and have to burn my ass but now they want to destroy my power window switch??
But the last straw was at the bank, It would only go down 8 inches! There were men watching me.....That was totally embarrassin'!! I am a short woman that has enough problems as it is with the world without my beloved car turning on me!! I drove immediately from the bank to the Chevy dealer! I had vowed NEVER to go back to them becuz of those idiots actually drove my car!!!
They put 12 miles on it!!!
Do you know how fast that thing is in one mile???? And they put 12 on it!!!!
And sin above all sins....they jacked with my radio!!!
What exactly does replacin' a fuse thingy have anything to do with driving it 12 miles and jackin' with my radio??????
But I needed help immediately!!! I sucked it up and had to be a grownup....though you know I don't like it.
I whipped it in the service area and got out....with my MadOn!! That is just the total opposite of my HappyAss good cheer!
If I didn't love that car so much I would have kicked it....plus I had two men watchin' me. I when straight to the counter and started tellin' them what was wrong.
"I'm having a problem with my window goin' up and down and have been for the last 6 months."
The young man that was listenin' to me said with his head tilted to the side as if he were speakin' to a 16 year old girl, "And with it being so hot out that's just a bummer!"
He even bobbed his head!!!

I just stared at him!! I couldn't believe he had spoken to me in such a way....I was almost...ALMOST...speechless!

I tilted my head to the side and bobbed it a bit and said "Duh!! Fix it!"

Sunday, May 27, 2007

The RainGods Hate Me! Part 1

I have had my car for about 9 years. I love my car. I have taken very good care of it.
Sure, there have been an occasional race(s) and burnin' of tires but all in all, I have done well at taken care of it.
Like a momma bear with her cub!
It's first assault was the BossMan's son....he was 4ish and out climbin' on it!
I squealed!!!
I went running out there to pull him off!!!
Whew....Only a surface scratch!


Over the years, things have had to be replaced...water pump...heater hose....none of it cheap!


But the ongoing battle is with the RainGods....And I never win...ever!


When I get to work, I sit in my car and listen to the radio for a bit and decide if I should roll the windows down or not. I don't want it to be so hot when I get in later that I burn my legs on the seat!! Seems reasonable!

One would think that would be an easy decision....no clouds...sunny skies....the weather map looked good....Let's put the down.

Or it's cloudy....with a chance of rain.....leave them up.

Easy enough!!


It doesn't work that way in Oklahoma.....in the spring!!! It can be the most beautiful day and in an instant a rain shower will pop up. A nice soft gentle rain...no thunder....no lightning....no warning.

9 times out of 10...my car windows are down! In fact, I can almost guarantee that if I roll my car windows down that it will rain!
No clouds....car windows down....it will rain!
I have told people that if they really want it to rain all I have to do is leave my windows down! They laugh...add "and wash it!" HA HA HA!
Not funny!!!
To me!!!
Washin' it doesn't seem to work....my MoJo doesn't work that way....it's just car windows!

I can be sittin' at the desk diligently workin'....or emailin' friends....look up at the front door and it looks like clear skys....look out the big window to the left and it's rainin'! I can see it in the trees!!!
Soft gentle rain.....look over to the car.....with the windows down.......Shit a Brick!!!
I grab my purse...dig out the keys and head out there. I keep a towel in there so I can wipe down the inside.


It is a fact of life I have learned to live with....NOT to not leave the car windows down...but that I have bad MoJo!!! That little scenario I just describe to you happen Saturday!!!



WE had to go around the barn but HERE is where this whole story ties together.....every time the RainGods sense my windows are down and it rains....it rains on my electronic do-hickeys!!!

More to the point...the button that powers up the window....the one on the driver's side!!



Is that addin' insult to injury??!!!

Oh There's more...........

Thursday, May 24, 2007

And The Survey Says.....

Jose Cuervo You are friend of mine.
I like to drink you with A little salt and lime
Did I kiss all the cowboys.
Did I shoot out the lights.
Did I dance on the bar.
Did I start any fights...Shelly West


It's another tequila sunrise.....Eagles


Between the sandy beaches and the margaritas
I thought I’d find a way to let you go
But there’s not enough tequila in Mexico...Tracy Clark....but there is enough to cause a gal to shower with a stranger!


And I could go on and on......There are many songs about Tequila!


Tequila shots.....They are my favoraaaight way to drink......And this blog is fueled by 4 shots!!! After all it is Tommy Chong and Bob Dylan's Birthday....Everybody must get stoned!!!

Beer seems to be the most popular. It is easily bought I guess and It is an acquired taste. Roy can't stand it....too many drunks in the back of his CopCar I guess!!

Once when I worked in a C-Store a man put a quart of Bud and bag of Twinkies on the counter and announced that THAT was the breakfast of champions!!!

Okay!!! Never argue with a man with a hangover!! Words to live by!! Thats what I'm here for...to pass along wisdom....and that is the Tequila talkin'!!!

Mixed cocktails came in next! My love a lot different drinks but it think my favorite is Long Island Iced Teas!!!

And how about Rodney Carrington's song....
...it used to scare me to death how momma used to act
after six or seven beers she's had.
We were sittin at a table when momma got disabled by
all the liquor runnin to her head, and soon I got to chokin,
daddy wasn't jokin,
when he grabbed me by the arm and said,
"don't look now momma's got her boobs"
"outshowing everybody in town"


What is it about booze and being nekked??? Seriously, I can't count the number of times I have danced nekked in the yard at midnight......under the influence! Or skinny dipped.....I wasn't real proud of it but....

I am very stumped that nobody drinks anything else straight up. MzAngie likes Slippery Nipples. I LOVE Italian Valium!! Equal parts Gin and Amoretto...amereto...amaretto...shit!! Anyway.....it's YUMMY!!!

Like drinkin' Candy!!!!

My favorite song........

SHE'LL START BY KICKING OFF HER SHOES
LOSE AN EARRING IN HER DRINK
LEAVE HER JACKET IN THE BATH ROOM STALL
DROP A CONTACT DOWN THE SINK
THEM PANTYHOSE AIN'T GONNA LAST TOO LONG
IF THE D J PUTS BON JOVI ON
SHE MIGHT COME HOME IN A TABLECLOTH


TEQUILA MAKES HER CLOTHES FALL OFF


SHE CAN HANDLE ANY CHAMPAIGNE BRUNCH
BRIDAL SHOWER WITH BACARDI PUNCH
JELLO SHOOTERS FULL OF SMIRNOFF... BUT TEQUILA...MAKES HER CLOTHES FALL OFF....Joe Nichols

But above all drink responsible!!!
Have fun....but don't drive!!
This poll idea was MzJean's idea.....Thanks Chick!!!
Be sure to vote in the next poll.....every one.....vote!!

I Could Just Cry!!

I have been workin'...Yes I know hard to believe but I have....I really hate that! The BossMan is gone and I am not goofin' off???? I haven't had a chance to comment on the comments:

The Blister Block from BandAid works like a dream!!!! NO more blister in my red leopard thongs!! Those are shoes....not blister on my ass!

George is the sweetest cat. He is not declawed and has never offered to use them...EVER! He is very gentle when he grabs my feet....and bites my toes....so scary when talkin' on the phone and he latches on to my whole foot! He does like to give massages. And it feels like acupuncture and a soothin' massage all at the same time!

I love love rubadub love roller coasters!! The older I get the harder it is to ride them without getting sick. I don't mind them at all. If I had the time and the money I would be one of those that would travel the country just to ride the coasters! I have no fear of them....I just DO NOT WANT TO THROW UP IN PUBLIC!!

Most importantly....Today is Tommy Chong and Bob Dylan's Birthday!! "So EveryBody Must Get Stoned!"


So on with the show.......

Yesterday, Roy called me 3 or 4 times.....which was odd.

So I asked him what the deal was, "Have you got me confused with your girlfriend or something?"

He giggled!
I think it's cute when he giggles!!
Not a deep belly laugh but a little snicker.

About 15 minutes after our last phone call, a lady comes in with flowers! 13 red roses!!



"Looks like someone bought you flowers!"


Holy O'Shit!!!!

I was so stumped!!
Who could be sendin' me flowers???

Roy ain't gonna like this at all!!!
He can be such a jealous bastard!
I am rollin' over and over in my brain who could have sent them. They can't be from Roy! I practically twisted his arm to get them for Valentines's Day....which was the day after....which by the way the OfficeFish is benefittin' from the vase!

The little old ladies that fight over me....nope! They both are very tight with their money....though they love me!

I can't think of any members of my FanClub that would be brazen enough to send them knowin' Roy as they do!!!! He got all bent outta shape when I had flowers on my desk for SexataryDay!!


I decided that I wouldn't open the card. I would just give the whole thing to Roy and let him fret over it.


"Is today a holiday??? Nope???"



I just set the card down and looked at it for a long time.....tryin' to figure out the handwrittin' on the outside....No Clue!!!


Curiosity got the better of me, I opened the card.


These poignant words will forever be seared in my heart!



"Thank you for this Wyatt. And yes, you are still neater than shit!"



Brings a tear to your eye....doesn't it?

Happy 13th Anniversary Roy!!!

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

George's Pix


Apparently, these wouldn't upload earlier.....








Sshhh....

Don't tell anyone!!

But I have taken over the PC!

This is George HW Hightower. My mom is away from the desk so I thought I tell you how it really is around here! She is back there up to her eyeballs in stinky dogs.
I have tried to add pix but too much for this cat!!!

When my momma tricked me out from under the bed with catnip I was shocked! She put me in a carrier but not my brothers or THOSE DUMB BABIES. I really hate them. But oh does my momma love them. If I am ever left alone with them for any length of time, I will kill them and make it look like an accident. For the longest time they didn't even know I was in the house! Dumb Babies!!

Where was I?? Being up in the carrier but nobody else!!

This is all wrong!! I don't care how many times my momma sings me Georgy Porgy, I am not happy!

She can call me puddin' pie all she wants, I am scared!!

That was 2 weeks ago! I think I like it here with Mom. I have her all to myself. I meet her at the door every morning and she give me a big hug. She brings me catnip from home. I play with feet under her desk. She squeals when I bite her toes. I like to hear her squeal.

She shares her sandwich with me. Yum! Baloney is good! I'm not so crazy about that roast beef.

I hope I don't catch some icky people disease!

She told me to catch the mouse.
THE mouse? I have yet to see it.
All I have picked up is some fleas. That didn't sit well with Mom!

But that fish!!

I sure would like to get ahold of that thing! It looks dead sometimes. If only I could get to it. She put it in that glass cabinet so I couldn't. She knows me too well.

It isn't as nice as at home where I sleep on Mom's bed. In the mean time, it will do. But just as soon as I show her a dead mouse I am outta here!



Oh, here she comes....I know the noise of those flip flops!

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Roller Coasters....

I LOVE THEM!!!!



One would think I didn't...I am a screamer! I screamed so much on Saturday and Sunday that by Monday my giggle was at a pitch only dogs could hear!!!
I could only get out Oooo Hooo!!!
It is better to day!



My first roller coaster ride was when I was 6...I think....First grade....Must have been 6. The coaster I don't really remember, just my aunt's comment afterwards..."You are as white as a sheet!"



My most scariest ride was the Zingo...I was 9 or 10.....my mother's weekend....she and her lesbian lover took all of us to Bell's in Tulsa. Bell's has now been kicked off the fairgrounds and Zingo is currently in the process of being torn down.....Makes me think of that song...Pave Paradise and put in a parkin' lot....sad really.......but anyway...

My little brother was 5ish and I was put in charge. We were going to ride that thing!

Zingo is a wooden roller coaster and nothing really special about it. It is just one most kids in the Tulsa area know very well.

So anyway...we are on it and take off and it wasn't too long before my baby brother started to slide down under the bar! And one quick turn, he was tossed towards the opening! In my mind I could see him thrown out and hurled to the ground and his death!



Not on MY WATCH!!!



I grabbed him and held him with one arm and held on the bar with the other....and we rode it out!! You talk about white as a sheet! We both were!!!

I have stood there lookin' at Zingo many times over the years not once wanting to get back on it.....just one of those bad things, I don't want to repeat!!!



I have ridden many coasters. I love them all. The ones that are suspended and do the corkscrews and the loop da loops....I scream the whole way!!!

Our weekend trip was no different!

Silver Dollar City has 4 or 5....Thunderation is the best to start kids on, it is mild compared to the others in the park. You can ride it forward or backward....and of course backwards make you the dizziest!!

The Wildfire is best for loop da loops...it's fast!! And that I think is the problem with most rides....they are too short after standing in line for 2 hours! We did that in Dallas to ride the Batman....awesome ride....maybe 60secs????

Have you ever been in Dallas in July in tin building without A/C?????? That alone is apt to make a person sick!!!

The Power Keg at SDC is real cool....you are propelled 0 to 60 in 2.3 seconds straight up and dropped down a steep hill.....and there are twists and turns.....Just an awesome coaster!! MrsHappyFamily and HappySon rode it with me and Roy.....The boy may never get back on another coaster!!! He was doin' all he could to keep from cryin' when we got off.....Roy said he was probably shook up becuz of that WOMAN screamin' her ass off behind him......I CAN'T HELP IT!!!!



Some times when you go the park during the slow season, you can ride them over and over again....Once Roy and I were on the Wildfire and I screamed the whole way!!! I have tried to suppress it but I just can't do it....it just comes out!!

When we got back to the barn to get out, the man asked if we wanted to go again.....And the lady and her 7 year old daughter that was sittin' next to me were discussin' it......Mom said,"Do want to do it again?"

And the little girl thumbs at me, "NOT if she is goin'!"

I was laughin' so hard at that I had to get off.....Far be it for me to ruin a little girl's fun!!!

So Share! What was your roller coaster like???

Monday, May 21, 2007

The Weekend With The HappyFamily

Our Weekend with the HappyFamily was a good one!
The HappyFamily constist of a MrsHappy....she worked with me 11 years ago. She is near and dear to my heart. Roy taught her to ride her motorcycle and I taught her to do Tequila Shots...both things are essential in life.
MrHappy hunts with Roy...Roy taught him to shoot his gun without fearin' the kick. He was sure missin' alot by flinchin' before he fired the rifle!
HappySon...8...thinks the world of Roy! One year for his birthday he received a pair of black cowboy boots, "Now I can be just like Roy!"
HappySister and HappyBaby...6 years and 18ms.
Just your typically little HappyFamily!
The whole point of going to Branson with the kids was to go to Siver Dollar City. It is a great amusement park for all ages. From the old Veterans to the Bikers to the GothicTeens....there are several rides and many craftsmen and tons of food, something for everyone!!
Well almost.....the tiny tots are sort of left out.....which means AuntyNadine and UncleRoy are sittin' out while HappyFamily rides the rides.
Oh, we would switch off depending upon the intensity of the ride....some of us have problems with the TeaCups...as long as I concentrate on MY TeaCup I am good! But it I look around outside of the tea cup......OH the HeadRush!!!
And some us have problems with Roller Coasters....I will tell you about the Roller Coasters tomorrow.
And I don't think any of it has to do with a fright factor so much as I just don't want to be the one that gets a ride shut down becuz I barfed up my eggs!!!
That happened....not me....but someone tossed their cookies and the Giant Barn Swing was closed for clean up......which helped us out....we got in line anyway and didn't wait but about 30 minutes to get on it!!
And it was super fun!!!!
I think I could do that all day long!!
With my eyes closed!!!!
The highest peak is 75 feet and I opened my eyes to see what death looked like.....and I was lookin' DIRECTLY AT THE GROUND!!!!
I was screamin'!!! "Close your eyes!!"
I caught myself short of sayin' "Shit!"
It's a family park!!
Okay it slipped out once...at 50ft.....but I just couldn't help myself!!!
Roy was sittin' to my right and on his right was a girl....maybe 19yrs old.....that told him he reminded her of her grandpa and was concerned about him when the ride was over.....he had mixed feelin' about that!! He handled the ride okay and appreciated the concern but the grandpa thing was more than he cared for!
And too, I don't care for certain water rides. I normally am placed in front of the everyone in the log ride and am supposed to get the wettest but I duck down and next person gets it all in the face!!
Plus I can't think of anything more icky than to walk around all day with your crotch wet.
So while HappyFamily was off to ride the WaterBoggin' thing, Roy and I watched HappyBaby.
I was thristy so I trotted my HappyAss over to get a frozen Cherry Lemonade....so good when you are hot! He fed the icy mix to HappyBaby, and said, "We will probably wind up with sort of vivious child disease from this kid!"
But we shared anyway!


Sunday Am: "Honey, I think I had some vivious child disease!"
He just grinned.
"NO, I'm serious!! My mouth feels like I have drank something hot and have blister along my gum line!"
He stopped grinnin'!
"Now that you say that I think I do too! I TOLD YOU!!! We picked up something ICKY!!"

Live and Learn!!

Friday, May 18, 2007

Oh What a Beautiful Mornin'....

Oh, what a beautiful day.
I got a beautiful feeeeeeeelin' Ev'rything's goin' my way.
Oh, what a beeeeeautiful daaaaaay!


Picture me in my blue AliceInWonderLand dress......With my arms stretched out singin' a joyful noise........becuz I ain't puttin' that pix on here!!!!


What a great day to go TopLess!!!
Let's do it!!
Throw back that convertable top and let's go!!!
Who gives a shit if it messes up your hair...That is what the scrunchy thingy is for!!!



Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry!
When I take you out in the surrey,
When I take you out in the surrey,
With the frinnnnnnge on top!



Roy and I will be holdin' a year long celebration for our 13th year of Marriage....Ford did it when they turned 100...Harley did it when they turned 100....The Great State of Oklahoma is doin' it now that we are 100 years a state!!!


Come check us out!!!
As the UnOfficialTourDirector, just ask me what to do when you get here!!

Cuz I'm just a girl that cain't say no!


We are takin' our cruise in October for our celebration. So one weekend with some small children ain't nuttin' but a drop in the bucket!
I asked him last night how he expected this weekend to go.....we have different ideas! I see us joined at the hip with the family.....he see us as ditchin' them later and goin' for dinner!!
Now that is my kinda man!!!! And he is packin' me an ice chest!!

It being an anniversary, Roy wants to renegotiate the pre-nup. I totally disagree!

He and I have a DEAL...I can't go into a lot of detail but IT is in Roy's best interest that I BUY SHOES!
He sometimes picks them out for me....cool huh??
He doesn't care if it's a $2 pair of flip flops or a pair boots! I get shoes and He gets his part of the DEAL.
It's a Win-Win situation!! I have lost count as to how many shoes I have!!!
All are happy!

Until now.
He wants to add purses!!
Katy, Bar the Door!! The Fight is on!
I think that is just goin' too far!!! Now THAT just makes Our Deal seems like a punishment instead of a fun thing to do for him!!!

Do you have any idea how many purses I have???


So I said, "If you add purses to Our Deal, Then I will have to "okay" EVERY purchase that you make over $50."

'Nuff said!!!
He went pale! I hit him where he lives!!


Purses will not be added to Our Deal!

Big Okie Hugs from your two Favoraaite Okies!

OOOOOooklahooooooma, where the wind comes sweepin' down the plain.
And the wavin' wheat can sure smell sweet....When the wind comes right behind the rain.


OOOoklahoooma, ev'ry night my HoneyLamb and I,...something...something...blah blah blah...

Thursday, May 17, 2007

The 13th Year of Marriage....

Roy thinks it will be a bad one.
And he was born on Friday the 13th.
His dad too.
His parent's were married on Friday the 13th.
It has been a lucky day for his family.....and then he met me.

I jacked with his Mojo....drastically!!

And now as of May 20th, we will have been married for 13 years.....He's nervous!!

The first couple of years were good....the minglin' of his kids and mine.....workin' out the bugs.....lookin' for a house to buy.....movin' to the country.....talk of havin' a baby.......learned how to back the truck without runnin' into things...cars...U-Haul trucks...houses.....stuff!

The following six years were somewhere between Hell and that place just short of being in Hell.....And that's all I will say about that.
It's a wonder we made it thru....a testament to how committed Roy and I are to each other.


He puts up with my shit and me...I put up with his!

The last few years have been the best.
It's just been the two of us. We come and go as we please and don't worry about what the world thinks. The rest can kiss our lily white asses! We travel, ride our motorcycles.....I drag him to all sorts of concerts and shoe shoppin'......he drags me to gun shows and hardware stores.


That is our wedding photo.....That is what happens when you get married by a photographer in Arkansas!!
He expects bad things in our 13th year of marriage.....Just Hide and Watch!!

We are headin' to Branson this weekend with some friends.....with children.....UGH!
I have developed an allergic reaction to small childern....I break out in hives!
And Roy already said that it is a no booze weekend.....UGH!!!!!
And I can't cuss...........Double UGH!!!!


I will be a nervous wreck by Saturday Night!!!!


Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Gamblin'

I really had no idea that there was so much to gamblin'!! I feel very stupid...more than usual!!
I never...ever.....considered Bingo gamblin'!!
Hell!! I did it in the first grade!!!!
How can that be wrong?????
Not that gamblin' is wrong....apparently, we all do it some degree. It's more than slots and craps!

I have never played the ponies.....or the office pool....I am the office!

And is Strip Poker really gamblin'???
And wouldn't "Quarters" be in that class of games.....I am good at that!!! I wound up skinny dippin' over a game of Quarters once.....what is it about drinkin' and being nekked???

The survey says that most play the slots....I would have to fall into the catergory. Followed by purchasin' lottery tickets.....I have done that but only on select days....birthdays mostly. I don't know why...it just seems like the right thing to do....at the time.

Oddly enough as popular as poker has become only 12% admitted to playin'. I could never play poker! I couldn't bluff my way thru it! I have a very expressive face. And Roy kicks my ass plain' "BullShit"!
Poker! Roy would be good at it...he can see things I don't....he pays more attention to details that slip right by me. But he has one of those faces....I know when he has a good hand playin' Spades!!! If only they would have a Spades Tourneyment! He and I could really make a killin'!!



Be sure to vote in the next poll!!

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Men, Women, and Cell Phones

To be more specific...Roy, me and cell phones.....I am in no way gonna lump all men in with Roy. He's different to say the least.
Me??
Well, I'm nuts!!!
A couple of weeks back, I couldn't find my cell phone. I am frantically lookin' thru my purse when Roy asked me what was goin' on.
"I can't find my phone."
He starts to look in my other bag, cussin' that I should be more responsible and KNOW WHERE IT IS....And then it hit me!
"It's in the car!! In that clippy dealywicker on the sunvisor!!"
"Why is your phone there?"
"Just in case you may call me in the car! I can hear it."
"Well, I would never call you while you are drivin' becuz you are NOT supposed to be talkin' and drivin'!"

OOOkay!

Last Saturday, Roy was doin' RoyThings and I was at work. The BossMan called me to bring him supplies at the SmallTown Rabies Clinic. Then Roy called me and asked what I was doing after work and I told him......All the men folk now knew what I was doin' after work. Very important that all the men in your life know what you are doin'!!
So Off I go....Zippin' along the highways of Oklahoma and rockin' out to Boston. As I slowed to make my turn into SmallTown.....The HighwayDept have spread crushed rock all over the road at that intersection....and I don't want to slide....into the parked cars at the diner....and into that man standin' there...... "HEY!!!!!"

Holy O'Shit BatMan!!!!
That was Roy!!!

I turned around....and he said, "I have a little time for lunch so run your errand and come back."
No Problemo!!!

I whip another donut and cut out!
I slowed down to go over the train tracks.....at 50....in a 40 mph zone..... that would launch me into outer space.......from previous experience........and it's 25 on the other side......and there is SmallTownCop!!
Well, I have absolutely no respect for him! He wasn't friendly 5 years ago and he ain't friendly now....so he can kiss my lily white ass!! And I zip right past him without lookin' AT him and do my thing!
I dropped off the supplies for the BossMan and head to the diner.
In the parkin' lot, a friend stops me and we chat for a bit....we have plans for next weekend. I finally make it in to Roy.

And he says,"Don't you ever hear your phone ringin'?"
"Not if it's in my purse and I have the radio cranked."
The Fat Bottom Girl Theme Song was on!
I had it cranked!
In a loud and reverant level...Fat Bottom Girls make the Rockin' World go 'round!!
"I can hear it if it's in that clippy dealywicker."

He had tried to call me 6 times.....WHILE I WAS DRIVIN.....Twice to tell me that he was at the diner....4 times to tell about the ambush....SmallTownCop....becuz Roy knew I was goin' way too fast and would shoot over the railroad tracks like Dukes of Hazzard!

Does he know me or what???

Okay....so there was that one time....in the pick up....but I was only doin' 35....I doubt it ever came off the ground....but the girls thought it did!!!
Woo Hoo!!!

Monday, May 14, 2007

Fishy, Fishy, in the Bowl....

I must be quick to catch a look!!!
And get some one else to notice that damn fish!!!!

One day, that damn fish was swimmin' upside down.....lookin' all dead....when a lady walked in and I instantly pointed to the fish, "Look at it! It is upside down!"

She was shocked at first....not by the fish but by me....I don't know her from Adam....or she me....and I am freaked out about a fish!! Then she saw the fish!
"Is it dead?"
"NO! He just does that. And I can't ever get anyone else to see it. You just walked in at the right time!"

I told Roy about it.
I told the BossMan about it.
Roy blamed me for puttin' it in a flower vase......it can't help but swim odd!
Right!
The BossMan chalked it up to it being a WalMartFish and expects it to die any day....they always do!!

And then one day, a man that came in to pick up his dog was lookin' around the office..."Hey! That fish is dead!"
The BossMan looked and sure enough, that damn fish was swimmin' belly up!! And then he took off swimmin' around all happy like!!

Score one for me!!!
Then one said something about maybe a floater was busted.

What???

And again that would be my fault!!! I did drop him.

He is over there right now just as happy as can be......in fresh spring water and swimmin' up right!!
Floater Smoater!!! That fish is psycho!!!

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Smell That Smell??

Date Night!!
Roy calls at 3:50. "Are we goin' out?"
Yep!!
"I'll get started cleanin' up. I know how you like that diesel smell but I don't think you want me to go out lookin' like this!"
He was covered head to toe in oil.
He has almost an hour and a half to get ready.
I rolled in the driveway at 5:15...open the door to the house and it hits me!!!
"Don't you know you're supposed to get those cheaps whores outta my house before I get home?"
He looks up at me, "What?"
That smell....like a room full of French Whores was emittin' from my living room!!
"Honey, your after shave is...." I could see he was startin' to fret over it...."a bit heavy. Smells like lemons."
I tried to smooth it over.....I think I did a good job of it as he didn't go reshower!

I didn't buy that cologne. His daughter did! One of those "Oh God I have to buy Dad!" a gift things...so he is given a cheap box set of nasty smellin' stuff. Probably some idea that came from her mother!
Don't you just love a good smellin' man? And then he adds a great cologne or after shave??
Very few men wear aftershave that come thru this office door. I normally get smelly men....ciggies, mixed with too much coffee and couple that with bad body odor...... so gross!!! When a nice lookin man comes in with a great smell I totally groove on it....it is so rare!! I catch myself short from throwing my head back and takin' deep breathes of it all.
Once a man came in and I didn't really pay that much attention to him....he was in a deep discussion with the BossMan....he was tall...48-50....brown hair.....very well tanned from years of farming.......not bad lookin'....I can see where his son gets his good looks.....but I didn't notice much!
As he was walkin' out the door the wind caught his scent.....tractor exhaust and hard work.....not bad body odor at all.....I couldn't help myself...after he left I walked around the counter and took it all in.....SEVERAL deep breathes.....Roy was soooooo gettin' laid!!!

And now there in my livin' room was this icky smell comin' from my man!!!!
Rather than fuss about it I just went with it.....we had a nice meal and lost more money at the casino....then home for some good lovin'.
As I laid there in the crux of his arm, with my head on his chest, That Icky Smell hit me again!!!

That shit has to go!!!

This mornin', I scoped out the bathroom for it, sniffin' all those bottles of cheap cologne....NONE OF WHICH I BOUGHT......Found it!!! Hid it!!! Until I can smuggle it out!!!
If he says anything to me, I'll tell that it reminds of my ex-husband and he'll never wear it again!!

Friday, May 11, 2007

No Wonder!!

While watchin' a TV commercial about women givin' birth...I don't know what they were advertisin' but we watched different women thru the various stages of labor. From the smiles of knowin' they would see their baby soon.....to the quick breathin'.......to the pain and push of labor.......to the joy of seein' the baby for the first time.

Roy says,"Women! They have the same expression on their faces whether its the throes of passion or in great pain. It's no wonder men are so fuckin' confused!"

Ya Think!!!!

Thursday, May 10, 2007

And The Survey Says.....

That I was totally in the dark!! I had no idea that there was a manpantie called boxer brief!! For 4aaahhhh......35....ish years, I have been surrounded by men that wore briefs!! So MzGina, Roy wears Tidy Whities.
When MzAngie first mentioned boxer briefs I had to go to WalMart to see what they were......and I have to admit I do like them way better than boxers.....but I don't think Roy would care for them.
I really don't get the whole boxer thing. Don't know how many times I have heard, "The Fellas need home!" Just free and danglin' doesn't cut it around here.
Which means NO COMMANDO!!
There are those people that have come to the office that are obiviously goin' commando.....maybe they think it's sexy or maybe they just don't own a pair....they are wearin' ripped jeans.....and squat and bend over a lot!! The BossMan said, "Did you see that?"
"How could I miss it!! Just beans and franks!!!"
Or you have some man...mostly teenage boys......that wears those GodAwful baggy pants and they stoop over and the MoonCrests!!
Butt Cleavage...Hello!!!

But the public picked Boxers!! 69%!! I am so not in the norm on this one!!
23% plain old brief and only 8% will go commando......I wander who goes commando???? There was only 2 that did.....which is sad that only 26 people voted...bruised ego types away........


Watch for the next Mini Poll!!
Go ahead....don't be shy!!
TELL ME!!!

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

A Couple of Things....

Or maybe three....

1) A RealWorldFriend emailed me to say she saw an old classmate....who had treated her badly in school....and now that classmate was HUGE....her word, not mine....I haven't seen the classmate since our Junior Year....and the classmate was always social with me....I have known her since kindergarten....longer than my friend.....I never knew that my friend had been treated badly....I didn't tolerate that sort of thing....But anyway....
Smiles were exchanged, no conversation but my friend wanted to at least say hello....an acknowledgement that she knew her...and that is where the problem lies......The classmate ducked her head and just walked by......Did she get brushed off becuz the classmate was still an ass or did she just feel bad about herself about the excessive weight gain??
I told my friend that the next time she ran into her just to say hello. It's no big deal to say hello. If the classmate wants chat she will and you are better to have said something than nothing. Be a grown up and let petty childhood crap go.
My friend comes back with it would fake of her to ask about her life and she herself didn't want to get involved with the classmate!
What???
Why the Fuck did she tell me in the first place?????
Did I miss something somewhere???
I don't remember tellin' her to ask the lady over for supper!!!
Shit!!!
But she got it off her chest!!

2) A client called to ask some advice about her pet....I gave my opinion on the matter and the conversation turned into a bitch session....I get to hear all the complaints....I am not certain as to why people don't just tell the person that they have the problem with...and not tell me....but they do!
I told her that I totally understand and was equally bothered by the problem but I don't know exactly how to fix the problem....but she got it off her chest.

3) And finally, what is the best way to say, "How may I help you?" with gettin' leared at??? I was told that was a leadin' question and at his age he might just tell me!!!

But he got it off his chest!

I think I'll put a jar out on the counter for tips....as I feel like a bartender!!

And Now I have it off my chest......All Better!

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

George Has Been Drafted!!


Ask not what your Veterinarian can do for you but what you can do for your Veterinarian!
Now is the time for all good Cats to come to the add of their Veterinarian!
We have mice at the clinic! Of all the cats in my household, George is the best one for the job!
Roy has resisted. But George will ship out for battle tomorrow. It is what he was trained for when he was an outside cat. He is a highly trained killer. I have watched in the early days in the pasture across the road stalkin' something!
He is a lean mean mousin' machine!!
I am hopin' that his tour of duty will only be one week....live at the clinic and prowl through out the night seekin' his prey!

Monday, May 07, 2007

Holy Moses!!!

Break out the Ark!! It was rainin' a real toad strangler this am!!
Meaning I couldn't get online...and when I did I had THE one workin' line tied up.....so no phone calls for business purposes!!
I felt guilty!
I broke out Lee Child...the Jack Reacher series....I am groovin' on that!
I gonna goof off...one way or another!!
I am comin' up empty on my next question for the Mini Poll. That last one was MzGina's idea...mens underwear....so before I give you the results and editorialize of the recent poll, I like to have another ready to go.....any ideas??
Any burning questions that you have been dying to ask but just couldn't???

Let me know!!

Sunday, May 06, 2007

It Just Bugs Me But...

It was fun....I wore my hat...even made one for my Granny! It looked like something from the Cat in the Hat but with antennas. She looked lovely and got lots of compliments.
My sister somehow got screwed outta the party being her thing.....ChurchLadies are so wonderful.....NOT!! I heard more catty remarks there than at any of our family functions.
I don't know the details but one would think that Church would be the one place a person could go to not be stabbed in the back!!
They fed us and read to us the emails that everyone sends around at least threes and gave away prizes....Ruby June was the first in our family to win a prize. I jumped up and yelled "Woo Hoo!!"
She turned to another family asked if she could sit with them, "I really don't belong with THEM!! Adopt me!"....at least she wore her antennas!! Our whole group wore them....'sept one of my neices...."That is just too dorky!"
I even won a prize!! Woo Hoo!!!
I traded it around as I don't really want anything from them and ended up with a candle!! Before I left, I gave it to my mother and told her loud enough for all to hear, "You can have it. I'm not allowed candles. I am a recovering arsonist."
RubyJune rolled her eyes, "Oh Lord."
I have a theory. People are gonna talk about you. It doesn't matter who you are or what you did people are gonna talk....good or bad.
Right or Wrong.
People are gonna talk! So why not start it yourself!!
And make it outta left field!

Saturday, May 05, 2007

Good Frickin' Point!!

MzKaty made a good point! About the Mother/Daughter Dinner.....If I were to wear the halter dress they might try to save me!!!!!
I can't have that!!!!
I will be in my closets all afternoon looking the "appropriate" dress....I know I have one.....somewhere.
Yesterday, was my sister's birthday, she is now 35.....like me....but Roy said she will probably claim 27.
Not while I'm alive!!!
I called her to wish a Happy Birthday.....and she shot down the halter dress....and red heels...but she okay'd the antennas. She doesn't know it but I made her some too.
Her daughter announced that she was wearin' her "Stripper" shoes...RubyJune told her that she wasn't gonna claim her if she did. And her daughter replied, "That's Okay, AuntSissy will!"
Once several years ago, RubyJune was 17 and I was 26, we were sittin' in the car while my Ex-Hubby pumped the gas, we were watchin' a couple of little old ladies gettin' in and out of their car. RubyJune said, "You are one in the hat. I don't do hats. You're Blanche and I'm Rose from the Golden Girls. That's how we will be."
And that is pretty much how we are....Some where along the way SHE turned into the OLDER Sister!

Friday, May 04, 2007

Lady Bug, Lady Bug....

Fly away home.
Your house is on fire.
And your children all gone.
All except one,
And that's little Ann,
For she crept under The frying pan.....eeeuuuwwwaaaa...don't you think that's cryptic???
In fact all nursery rhymes and fairy tales are ghoulish....babies being eaten....babies dropping from treetops...those poor blind mice!!

That's the theme for a Mother-Daughter Dinner my sister planned at her church.....LadyBugs....that I have been invited to this weekend.

Do you think the black halter top dress and leopard print red thongs are too much for my sister's church?? Becuz that's what I'm leanin' towards!!
My PersonalStylist El RoyBoy, decided that the leopard print was too much. And I couldn't wear the red high heels...Damn it! Funny though, he wasn't opposed to the halter dress!

Do LadyBugs have antennas?? If I were a ladybug I would have them.....and I think I will make some!!! They will be so cute!!!

Anything to drive my sister crazy and embarrass my mother!!!!
heheheheheheh...stay tuned!!

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Twenty Feet....

Just 20 feet!!
That's all it was...20ft!!
Roy was 20 feet from finishin' the fence when the cattle was trucked out!!!
Saturday, he was workin' away diligently at finishin' the project when one of the neighbors came by to chat with him...he thinks she wants his body....sure thing....its a great body....and when he smells like good clean hard work.....oh Baby!!!
I have a thing for farmers! That tractor smell and good clean hard work.....oooooooh Yeah!!
And men in uniform....okay just men in general!
But anyway, she stopped to talk with him about the CowSituation. She and her husband...and so not built like Roy.......had been woke up 3 times by those cattle....they live 1/4 of a mile north of us....and once by a Sheriff'sDeputy!! The SD had told them if they can't find the owner then they could keep the cows....riiiight!!!
Don't believe everything the SD tells you.....when SheriffUncleJoeBob gets ousted from office his nephew is out of a job....but we won't go there. Not all uniforms that trips my trigger....I have to respect the wearer!
So Roy's told me to call the SD and see what our options are as this is too much for the Neighbors to handle on their own as the CowOwner is so belligerent!
I did and was told a lot of Shuck&Jive and that it was a civil matter and there was nothing he could do.
Waitta Minute.........Back up the Truck!!!
Nothing??? I can see this gettin' real ugly!
"You don't understand. Some one is gonna get hurt! This man is totally confrontational!! There is no speakin' civil with him. We need a mediator for this matter. Today!" See! I do know the big words.
He agreed to go out and "strongly convey" the situations and consequences of the roamin' cows being hit by a car...that was all we had...no laws about animals at large in Oklahoma...if they had been vicious cows then we might have a leg to stand on....that bull that put Roy back in the truck was pushin' it but still not considered vicious!
In the meantime, the NorthernNeighbor had contacted the CowOwner'sMother....a crusty old woman....she told him to gather them up and take them to the sale barn!!

POOF!!!
Just like that!!!!
They were loaded up Sunday and the NorthernNeighbor hauled their MoseyAsses off to the sale barn!!!

20 Frickin' Feet!!!!

It's like the end of movie where the hero dies.....and you are sittin' there in the dark wondering why you spent all the money on popcorn and the ticket to see a frickin' movie where the hero freakin' dies!!!!!

Roy and I have rationalized this all out....to justify the expense of the fence....that had he not built the fence the cows would not have mosey'd further north to someone else's property who could better handle the cows.

And all is peaceful in the land!

We now have our property fenced...all but the front 75 feet across the front of the house....which now the great debate starts as to what sort of fence is going in.....Of course Roy want Barbed wire with Constantina along the top and I want decorative.....we shall see!!
Roy has a gate up to keep unannounced visitors.....I don't now how many times we have been havin' sex and someone has been bangin' on the door!!!
Talk about a BuzzKill!!! Now they will have to sit out in the driveway until we are to deal with them.

And that's the way the Cow Patty Splats.......The End!

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

The Office Fish....

Is drivin' me nuts!!!!

Right now he looks dead!
He is over there floating belly up!!
It's a trick!!
I kid you not!!
I have tried to take his picture to be able to prove he's psycho but by the time I get my camera out and in position he will straighten up and swim right!!
See!!!!
I got the camera out and he went to flippin around!
Now that I am in the middle of this and a phone call...which I am only getting every other word...he belly up again!!!!
This started last Friday. I was super busy. I was in the middle of a phone call when I glanced over to his bowl and noticed he was dead!
Damn it! Another WalMartFish bites the dust!
Retracing everything I had done that morning in my mind....thinkin' did I feed him? Yes!
Did I have something on my hands that could have poisoned him?? No!
I changed his water.....Goldfish are messy slobs.....That wasn't it....he lives in room temp Springwater!
Shakin' my head and conveyin' my pity to the FishGod....... He only lasted one month! He was a replacement fish for the Betta that died....UGH!!!
He is doing it again.....belly up!!!!!
Anyway, the Betta had personality. This fish that I haven't even name was already dead....but just as I hang up the phone, he starts to swim backwards and then rights himself!!
What the Hell??
I have been watching him all this time....he likes to float!!
LIKE A DEAD FISH!!!
Annnnd.....blow bubbles....he makes this noise that's gettin' on my nerves!!! It's like a kid poppin' his gum.....it's like the faucet drippin'!!!!
It's all my fault.
I dropped him in the floor.
I had too much in my hands and I lost my grip on his bag and he fell to the floor.....water every where....there he was on the floor gaspin' for water! I dropped the rest of what I had on the desk and ran for the bowl and some spring water....scoop him up and prayed to the FishGod to let him pull thru.
It's pay back!!
Look at him over there....plottin' what to do next!

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Things That Make You Go Hhmmm.....

The cute twentysomething girl gently running her finger up under her very short shorts to retrieve her panties....thinkin' I didn't see it!! She shoulda wore a thong!! It's there, just leave it!!

The SemiTruck that didn't know what a yeild sign was for.....That's Okay!! I just whip one outta my ass for me to yeild to....Bastard!!!

Why do people pierce their tongues and then play with it?? It is bad enough that you are speakin' to me with a lisp and a spray but I don't need to see it roll across your teeth....Mostly boys do that and very young girls....it is like watching a cow chew its cud with metallic noises.

Have you ever had a conversation with a person that had a binky....a pacifier.... in their mouth??? A grown up??? Try it once. It's something you will never forget! It was all I could do to keep from reachin' across the desk and poppin' it out of her mouth!

What happened to the Trooper that was drivin' the Gov of NewJersey??? 91mph?? The Gov didn't have his seat belt on??? TrooperDude didn't walk away unscratched!! Roy wrecked.....125mph....air bags and seat belts in use....he injured his shoulder and had glass in his hand....the passenger hurt his knees......VERY LUCKY!!!

I read in the newspaper that the Pope was teaching a Limbo class....the Pope must be really limber!!!