Friday, March 30, 2007

Odd Conversations...

Roy was soakin' in the tub one day...and bitchin'...aaahhhh.....talkin' with me about something.
The minute I walk out of the room he will say something to me and I have to go back in there. We hash it out and I walk away....he says something and I have to go back....it is a game.
So I asked him before I walked out, "Is there anything else you have to say to me before I leave? I will not be right in this area. I will be in the bedroom and I won't hear what you are bitchin' about."
"No, I have said all I have to say."
I walked out.
And of course he says something...he always does!! I want to just slap him!
So I go back..."What did you say?"
"I farted at you."

NICE!!

"So you are literally soakin' in your on juices."

"NO!!! I have total control over my gas/shit separator and I know that no shit was released."

Roll my eyes!!!

"Oh really! If I get Grissom to take a sample of your bathwater, I bet you money he will find that there is indeed fecal matter in that water that can be traced back to your DNA!"

He just grinned!!! He had to think about that one.

I walked out never to return!

Or at least until he hollers, "Hey Babe, can you bring me a Dr Pepper?"


Have a great weekend!!!

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Life is a Roller Coaster

One night I received a call from my daughter's Stepmonster....she is really sweet.
Honest!!
"When is the last time you heard from Eudora Mae?"
"Back before Christmas."
"She is missing."

That wasn't sinking in.

"She was supposed to be in Oklahoma City for a class and she never showed up."

I am still trying to wrap my brain around it. It takes time to sink in.
I heard my voice say something, I have no idea what it was.
"Her boss called DumbAss and now he is freakin' out." DumbAss is her boyfriend that can't seem to keep a job.

Now it hits me....DumbAss is freakin' out....Eudora Mae is missing.
My baby girl is missing. She is 22....but she will always be 4!!

"Have you called the Highway patrol?"
Yes...no wrecks.
"Have you called the hospitals?"
No but they won't tell you anything any way!! DAMN HIPPA!!!!!!!

"Keep me informed."

I crumbled!!!
I am not good in a crisis....Roy started tellin' how the cops work. If she had been in an accident they contact, "next of kin."

NEXT OF KIN!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't carry anything that say anything about callin' Roy...'cept everyone knows who we are....my tag says that!! But Eudora Mae has nothing!!! Her Tag is probably expired or in the previous owners name!!!!!!

Deep Breath....be a grown-up!

I called her cell phone....DumbAss answered....He was freakin'....he thought I was Eudora Mae.....I had to be an adult.
"Did she have plenty of gas?"
Yes.
"Are you certain that she didn't make the class?"
He freaks out....NO!!!

I called the Stepmonster.

"Why does Dumbass have her cell phone if she is the one driving to the city?"
She doesn't know.
"You call the cops and get them to start a missing person's report and to look into Dumbass. He has beat on her in the past."

I had got my shit together.....I was slingin' orders!

She could have wrecked in the rain....and they just didn't know where to look....it happens!
She is the stable child. She should be the oldest....she always was up first and got Edith Anne up and made sure she got on the bus....otherwise Edith Anne would still be in bed when I got home.
I sat down on the couch and planned what to do next....Where could she be?

What will I do with her babies?

Roy was trying to come up with what could have happened...and not anything good.
Do I get in the car drive to Ada?
Do I call the news and demand they show her photo?

My cell phone rings......"Mooooom! What's everyone so freaked out about?"


She was safe at home!
I can handle Junior MoodyBitch....I've had lots of practice!
But closing the lid of the casket on my baby girl.....whole other story!!!

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

8 States in One Day.....


Doesn't sound too tough....In a car...No biggy!
But on a motorcycle....HUGE BIGGY!!!
On July 3rd 2002, Roy got a wild hair up his ass and said "Let's see how many states we can ride thru in one day!"
Why not!
We mapped it out and chose the best route....Checked the Weather Channel....which was a joke!! They said rain.....right!
We left the house at 5:30 Am, and by 6 we had knocked out 2 states and were into the third. We rode all day long in the Great State of Missouri....it was dry....it was flat...and it was hot!!!
Triple digit hot!!!
I didn't drink a lot of water so that we didn't have to stop a lot.
Big Mistake!!
As we rode over the Mississippi River and into Illinios, it sprinkled on us...very refreshing! The only rain that fell that day!!
And 15 minutes later I was standing beside the roadside under the "Welcome to Kentucky!" sign.
That's what we do....stop at every state "welcome" sign and take a pix. How else are you going to prove you were there?
And that is about all I remember of Kentucky!
And that missed turn I made.....Roy looked at me like "What?" And I looked back at him like, "Just Lead!"
We can't really communicate with those helmets on. Both are full face and with those loud pipes the best we can do is hand are arm signals to each other.
But the problem was I was getting dizzy, dehydrated and I needed to lay down! Lack of water and that heat with that helmet on...I was getting sick! My brain was rattlin' around my head and I couldn't see straight. But he kept going!
As we crossed into Tennesse....he looked around and motioned to me, "Where is the sign?" I thumbed over my shoulder.....he rode right under it!! It's up in the trees and he didn't see it!
20 minutes later, I know that I have had enough and needed to stop....asap! Or I was goin' down!!
And he hates it when I go down on that motorcycle!!!
My first wreck....yes first.....was not but a half mile from the house. I just did a turn all wrong and went into a ditch.....Planted my left foot on the ground but the rest of me went flyin' over the windshield!! I had a twisted ankle and a bruise on my thigh the size of turkey platter!! But Roy was real cool about it....WE had an audience.....and his loved one just went down....This was no time to freak!!! Calmly, he dismounted his bike....walked casually over to see that there wasn't anything broken....on the bike!!
And then turned to me and asked if I could get up and get back on!!!
I don't think so Dave!!! (Name that movie!)
So anyway back in Tennesse....I motioned to him that I needed to stop. He agreed...It was time for gas......20 frickin' miles later......we find a gas station.
"Pitch the tent! I am done!!"
He started givin' me the speech. "Buck up! Memphis is only an hour away. Be a Man!"
"A Man!!!??? My Manhood has nothin' to do with this.....do you remember the time I passed out on you?" His eyes widened....He remembers!!!
He gave me money for Gatorade and we sat there for about an hour...until I could see straight!
He limped me on into Memphis...of course we got lost....when you see a hooker in a purple velvet shorts....you have taken a wrong turn!!!
I was having flashbacks of being trapped in Kansas City....in a car with my Grandpa....for an hour!!!!!!!
Just turn around!!!!
And go back and start over!!!!! You do not want to be trapped in Kansas City with me and old man...it ain't pretty!!!
So Roy and I turned around and found the right road. And pretty quick we were over the Mississippi River again and into Arkansas. We set up camp....in a hotel....MY KIND OF CAMPIN"!!!
We left my bike there and rode on into Mississippi for dinner on his bike.
8 states....over 650 miles in 15 hours!!!!
Would I do it again???
Oh Hell Ya!!!

Monday, March 26, 2007

The Survey Says....

As I suspected......a majority of us want to poke our eyes out than hear anything more about Anna Nicole Smith!!! Entertainment Tonight has turned into the Anna Nicole Show! I haven't watch it since they started with all this breakin' news...Wait this just in....she's dead!!
I would rather watch reruns of the Millionaire....which I am...why is a game show running reruns....The Price is Right doesn't do that!!!
This just in...we have an exclusive interview with the Brother of a former lover of a bodyguard of Anna Nicole that says he knows how she died!
Puleeese!!!!
There were a few people that wanted to know more.....did you know that the man that wrote "If loving you is wrong, I don't wanna be right." died??? No???
Did you know that Woody Harrelson's father died???? I didn't think so!!
What make HER so special??
Everybody and their dog pup apparently slept with her!! Even Dr Phil weighed in on this....not my survey but on his show....he had pictures of Anna, the Baby and two of the men that she slept with.....Like that is a totally scientific way of doin' it!!!
GEEZ!!!! Come On!!!!
My angels kiss the brows of those who doesn't know who Anna is....you are blessed!!

The rest.....Let it go.....Let's just stop beatin' a dead Ho!

Be sure to vote in the new Poll!!

Sunday, March 25, 2007

My HomeTown....

Last year, my Grandparents were selected to by be Mr&MrsHomeTown. They got to be in a parade.....so cool!!!

You remember those really cool parades that every town HAD...marching bands, The HonorCorp from the local college, Boy Scouts, horses, and every one smiling and waving becuz it was fun!!!

I remember being in one parade as a Twirler!! That's right, a twirler!!

I was 6 or 7 and I marched....proudly......the first of my ShowPony days. Twirling is a lost art.....shame really. Those cute little uniforms and those boots with the tassels....my aunt's are still in the closet at Granny's. I wonder if I can fnd an outfit on Trashy.com?? hhhhhmm...

Anyway.....Back home, there was to be a carnival atmosphere....rides and games, Tractor pulls, a car and bike show.....woo hoo!!!

15 years ago, there was a beautiful baby contest. Ruby June entered SweetPea, her daughter...she was 18m. She had a real good chance of winning as she was the only girl entered! Only 3 kids!! One boy was dressed like a little Indian brave with a loincloth made from a chamois and his mommy as Pocahontas in her buckskin dress and braids. The other entry a little cowboy and he rode out on the stage on his hippity hoppy horse....so cute!!

And SweetPea was dressed in a beautiful green dress that JonBenet would be proud of....along with her vivacious AuntSissy....I didn't have a matching dress. Just my ShowPony Strut and Cleavage.

That was not enough to beat Sacajawea's long bare legs!!!



But last spring.....There was no Baby Contest.

There was no Car show.

There were no Tractor Pulls.

There was no Carnival atmosphere.



There was a parade...a very sorry excuse for one!!!

No band!

No horses!

No smiling people waving!!



They made my Granny and Grandpa walk 2 blocks! They are in their 80's....he has a bad back and she has bad knees!! My aunt was with them as Roy and I had staked out in the best position for filming the whole thing. We had no idea what was taking place down the block. My aunt is way more level headed than I am and finally got them a ride to the fire engine they were to ride in........after the TownCop turned her down!!!

There is a long list of things you do not mess with me over and Dickin' around with my Granny is at the tiptop of that list. I will nail your hide to the barn door and then beat you for hangin' crooked on it!!

Not give her a ride!! There would have been and Nadine Kan-Niption of Apocalyptic Proportions!

Then the parade started....and turned 50 frickin' feet from where I had sat all frickin' day in the heat!!!



I WAS HOT!!!!



The minute that clusterfuck of parade was over and my Nephew sang for the town....which was mostly filled with our family...Roy and I mounted up on our fastest pony and got the Hell outta Dodge!!!
"I've Never been to such a fucked up mess!!" Nadine Hightower Spring 2006

Friday, March 23, 2007

Mornin'!!

I have posted a video....My School.....IT WORKS!!!!!!! I had it previewed by a few friends...Thank you 3bn, MzGina, and the Princess!!! For indulgin' me....like you sit around with nothing to do waiting for me to bug you.....Hugs!!!!!
So I posted it on the front page so you can find it easy.......I figured it out!!!!
Woo Hoo!!!!!
I have loads to blog about and not the time.....big surgery day!!
And that Chick!!! Is droppin' off her mother's dog at 9:00!!!!!!
MzThystle, I would LOVE TO SLAP THE SNOT RIGHT OUT HER!!!!


If you haven't gone to see "Wild Hogs"......GO!!!!
And be sure to sit thru the credits!!! Too funny!!!!
I drug Roy in Kickin' and Screamin'....."They are makin' fun of bikers!"

DUH!!!!

"Honey, They are not makin' fun of you." He is the real deal....He rode when it wasn't COOL! When he went into LawEnforcement, TheBrass wanted him to get rid of the bike....wrong image to project......He told them to get fucked!!! He had 3 Harleys during his career.
"They are makin' fun of the guys that ride only to the bar and then home. Not you." On a whim, he will ride to St Louis. Just to have the Arch in a picture with his bike.
Once he wanted to see how many states we......WE.......could do in one day.......I will tell you about that later. No time today.
He laughed during the movie, so I know he like it!
One of the guys in the movie stood on the side of the road when the biker gang rode by with his fist in the air......THE RIGHT WAY....sorta...."See Honey! They got that right. Fist high in the air!" He hates that low to the ground wave that modern bikers do.....BE LOUD AND PROUD!!!! HOLD YOUR FIST HIGH!!!!
"It's his throttle hand!!!"
You don't give the Harley Salute with your throttle hand!
Or the Finger!
Trust me.....When you give some one the Finger you want to be able to crank the throttle and speed away!!!

I can't take him to war movies either.....he sits there and crys out "That's Bullshit!" or calls cadence during the marching scenes....."One Two Three Four....I love the Marine Corps!" using his best R Lee Emery voice......Like we are the only ones in that whole theater!
When we went to see "Super Troopers", he laughed most of the way thru that...."Yep, we did that.....And that too....... Been there, done that!" And you know if you have seen that movie it is not something they should be doing!!!!!!!!!

Have a great weekend!!!

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Spring Has Sprung......

I am going to have to drag out the ladder to fix the vents at work becuz the starlings will come back to roost.
Nobody else will.......so here is the tale that sparks that comment.

A couple of springs ago........ I noticed the birds in the attic. I could hear them and I saw one thru one of the light fixtures. Roy sometimes comes to work with me. So I told him to help me catch it. He was reading the paper and blew me off.
That was Saturday.
Monday morning when I opened the door of the clinic, I was greeted by a bird in the face.
Have you seen Hitchcock's The Birds???
All I could do was cover my eyes!!!
Don't peck at my eyes!!!!
I felt like Tippie Hedren!!
That damn bird flew back and forth banging into the window and then into the wall.
It was awful!
Everytime it hit the wall, it pooped.
Every time it hit the window, it pooped.
As it flew over me, it pooped!
Does it have an endless supply of poop???
I finally got it caught and started cleaning up the mess when another one started flying around.
Here we go again.
I got that one caught and out the door.
And again I started to clean the mess.
Now I understand how come there is so much poop......EVERYWHERE.......then from behind the dog food display hops a third bird!!!
It just hopped to me.....and I open the door so it could hop on out.
It hopped over to the hedges and fell over. I went back later to check on it and it must have died, it never moved.
So as you can imagine I am so pissed off!
When I got home, Roy was on the couch watching the news. I said to him, "Do you want your ass kickin' now or later?"
He looked at me with a slight grin, "Now."
And I proceeded to tell him my version of The Birds. All he had to do was help me get that damn bird on Saturday and he would not have been in hot water on Monday.

Next morning, he informs me that he has done battle with a red wasp but he could not find the body....To watch out for them as it is warm enough for them to come out.
And off to work he went.
I got out of the shower and was drying off when I noticed Monster watching the floor intently......he is a bug freak! And just about the same time I felt this tickle at my foot. I look down and it was the wounded red wasp!!
After a dance and a jig, I determinded that he was no real threat. I picked it up and put him in the toilet to show Roy that I had recovered the body.

And Roy has really slipped as far as being my protector. I mean really!!! First birds and now wasps!!!
When I got home, Roy says to me, "Do you want your ass kickin' now or later?"
I put on my best Clint Eastwood glare, "I'll take mine now."
And he proceeded to tell me how he found out about the red wasp.

Let's just say that sometimes when a man has to go, a man has to go. And when there is a live red wasp floating in the toilet ready to attack all the little dangley bits.....someone is going to get an ass kickin'!!

Don't you just love Spring!!

Now get out there and throw back to convertables and take out those t-tops and let's go topless!!!


Woo Hoo!!!!!

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

The Chick That Felt Sorry for My Fish...

For lack of anything better......

This woman, she is a bit odd. The BossMan and I think she's a stripper....You would have to see her......Not real pretty but has a great build and THOSE have got to be fake boobs....She dresses a little...okay.....a lot younger than her age....But that isn't the point.

I absolutely hate to deal with her. She wanted her cat put to sleep as she could no longer take care of him and as there is absolutely NOBODY on the face of the Earth that can take care of that cat the way she does....she should just put him to sleep.
Right!!
Our conversation went something like this:
Her: "I would like to put my cat to sleep."
Me: "Is he ill?"
Her: "No. I just can't keep him any longer....." And she went into the whole speech about how she is ONLY one that would take care him.
Me: "Are you sure that you don't want to try to find him a home? There are a lot of caring people that would welcome a house cat."
Her: "No, They would just turn him out into the wild where he would die."
Me: "But yet you want to euthanize him?"
There was dead silence.
So sad!
I told her options.
She opted to drop him off. And when she came in she had her speech prepared...the one to tell me off! She didn't care for my attitude.
Mine???
Me: "I have a problem with people thinking that THEY are the only PEOPLE that can care for an animal. There are so many caring elderly people that live alone that would love to have a housecat. But you want to put this one down because you think you are doing the HUMANE thing??"
She didn't say too much but still very adamant about putting him to sleep. And then she said,"Are YOU going to just throw him in with the dogs for them to eat him?"
Well that was the straw that broke the camel's back!!!
"YOU have got to be kidding! What kind of place do you think we run here. This is a hospital to take care of the sick animals of owners that don't think twice about what it cost to make the animal better! That is the most asinine thing I think I have ever heard!"
Why I'm not fired I have no clue!!!
But that woman left the cat.....to be euthanized. And we did it.

That was how we started our "Relationship"...she still comes in...she's damn nervy!!
So......I don't even remember why she came...but she did. And saw my betta fish on the counter. "OOooh That is just so sad."
I roll my eyes. And I try not to be baited into a battle with her.
"He just looks so sad."
He was swimming around in the bowl, showing off....that was one proud betta!!
"That is just too bad."
And still I don't fall for it.
"I feel sorry for all those fish at Walmart. Look. He is just so sad."
I continue getting whatever it was that she was wanting. And I could hear her talking to the fish and telling him that she was so sorry for him.
"That is soooo sad."
I had had enough!!
"So do you think I should take him out back and dump him in the creek to free in the wild where the snakes and turtle would eat him....I mean he wouldn't last too long. He is a tropical fish."
She looked at me stunned!
"Well No, you are right. He is best off here. I even get upset about cow in the fields."


She had on leather pants!!!!!!!!!!!!

What the Hell is she doing in Oklahoma?????????

I wonder what drugs she is on.....got to be the good ones!!!

Monday, March 19, 2007

Smatterin' of Crap...

Date Night was a bust! Roy worked late and was too pooped to pop. I bought Casino Royale and we stayed home. We have different opinions of Daniel Craig as the new Bond. Roy thinks he is too rough lookin'....not as dapper as Connery or Brosnan.
I think he is the buffest one!!!
Can we have more swimming scenes!!! mmmmmmmMelt my butter!!!
Who the Hell needs Bond Girls???
And when he sat in the shower with that chick.....and sucked on her fingers....ooooooo.

Excuse me, I need a personal moment with my pocket rocket.

I needed that!!! Now where were we??? Ooooh yes.....

Everyone needs to check out the recall on Cat and Dog food. Bad Juju!! I don't have any of it on my shelves.

MzAngie's Aggies are still the running for NCAA Championship!!! Seriously, I don't care for basketball. I only read that part of the paper to see what is going on in Football....really!! That is my story and I am stickin' to it!

I added a "mini-poll".....be sure to cast your vote!

I gave away two pups today. People bring in their unwanted animals and I try to find a home for them. Some times it works out and some times it doesn't. The people that bring them in are...what is a good work for it....backward....twisted....well let me explain and you give me a word. They have this pup that was "dumped on them"....I don't always believe that the pup was dumped.....they have had the thing for 2 weeks and it is 6 weeks old...but that is another blog entirely.
So here they are, standing in front of me, wanting me to take the pup. "We just want to do the right thing. The humane thing!"
"I charge a fee."
I make that very clear.
No ifs.
No ands.
No Buts.
"But the pup was dumped on me???!!! And I have to pay to get rid of it??"
Now here is where you cull the men from the mice.....they either give me the money, or the walk out the door, swearing that they will dump the dog in the country somewhere.
How's that for responsible human beings??

So those people that give me the money, ask, "You will give it to a good home."
Who am I to say who is a good home?
I am not going to judge some one by what they wear or their age....I damn sure don't like it.
If someone comes in that wants a pup or kitten....and I feel that the pup or the kitten fits the situation then I say, "Sure have a great time! Good Luck!"
And let me explain that....I have had this animal for a few days or weeks and somethings months...I know that animal! I know what he will do around other animals. I know that that cat is the best cat for kids. I can judge the animal. Not the people.
I currently have a siamese that is deathly afraid of kids.....I have had it one month and it is just now coming out to talk to me. He needs to be with an older couple that understands cats....really neurotic cats!!!
One day I will tell about the chick that felt sorry for my fish....but that is for another day.

It is just another Muckin' Fonday!!!

Saturday, March 17, 2007

I'm A Lurker!


There!!!

I said it!!

I Lurk!!!
I have to lurk.....well....I don't HAVE TO DO IT......But MSN is driving me to it!!
Every Freakin' time I go over and try to leave a comment I get some sortta error and I try again and again and again......until I have left at least 30 comments!!! I look like PsychoChick!!
Which by the way, is better than Super MoodyBitch.......I kept her in check with a handful of M&M's every morning......Go figure!!
So I lurk via Google Reader.
I can read all the blogs I love but no comments can be left.....I am there...You can't see me!!!

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Names....Try it!

A friend sent me this....play along!!



1. YOUR REAL NAME:
Nadine Elizabeth Hightower....that's my story and I'm stickin' to it!!!

2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (first letter of real name plus "izzle")

Nuzzle Yo Muzzle...I'm Sha- Nizzle....Cuz, that's I Roll!!

3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (fav color and fav animal)

Red Cats

4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, and current street)

Elizabeth SouthRoad....one of those rich bitches on The Guiding Light!

5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name, last 3 letters of mom's last name)

HigNaTom and don't mess with me....and really swing a lightsaber!!!

6. YOUR SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd favorite color, favorite drink).

Black DrPepper....Or Super MoodyBitch

7. YOUR IRAQI NAME: (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, any letter of your middle name, 2nd letter of your moms maiden name, 3rd letter of you dads middle name, 1st letter of a siblings first name, last letter of your moms middle name)

AGAULRH....is that the scienifitic name of silver????

8. YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (dad's middle name)

Walter....But Nadine is the one they gave me!!!

9. YOUR GOTH NAME: (black, and the name of one your pets) BlackWoobie...makes me think of a wookie or what were those small wooly ones.....ewoks!!!

Have a great weekend!!!

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Answers to the Pop Quiz....

Which you realize that there are no wrong answers.....We each do what we feel is best for us and those in our lives....those that have small childern should think about the impact of our decisions on them.
I have had all 3....I prefer long term relationships. The sex is so much better when you are in love!
I think we all go thru phases of each trying to find ourselves, learning how our bodies work. Whether is be in High School or College or after a divorce...or during a marriage...whatever floats your boat....we experiment.
Not one man left me a message....I was a bit shocked by that...Super MoodyBitch might have scared them off!
Roy started out being a No Strings Fling and turned into a fabulous marriage. We click.....we are like peas and carrots! When he stepped into my life I dropped all "privileged friends" which I prefer over Fuck Buddies. The last few years of my first marriage that is what I felt....I just used him to work off that sexual tension. My heart was not in it and I had NO respect for him at all.
One Night Stands...not for me...Too many creeps in the world.
I have had a friend with privileges that I only slept with twice....we saw each other a lot and all we did was talked. He had a girlfriend that he planned on marryin'.....I wasn't about to alter his plans in any way.....and I just liked to flirt with him......He blushed so pretty......I wonder about him every once in awhile.
I am a little envious of those women that waited until they were married to have sex. You don't have to explain yourself becuz despite how much a man loves that fact that you know what you are doing.....they hate the fact that you learned it with another man!! I say pour yourself into that man and learn what he likes and what you like, talk about it! I worked with a woman that was into her marriage 2 years and her hubby had never saw her naked. They had sex with the lights off....weird! I can't imagine not seeing Roy, bathing with him, tick checks, sharing a bathroom with him let alone sex!

As to porn....I like it. It doesn't matter what they do, it's hot!
And I have to agree with one blogger.....the girls from the PlayBoyChannel are catering to a man's fantasy!!

And to those who suggested Tequila and Chocolate for controlling Super MoodyBitch....Do you know that they make a liqueur that is Chocolate flavored Tequila???????
I am in Heaven!!!!
Now I just have to find it! I can't order it off the Internet becuz of states laws about shipping Alcohol.....if they only knew it was for medicinal purposes!!!!!!
It's saving a life....Roy's!!
When Super MoodyBitch told him that EVERYTHING smelled like shit.......from the cats to his breakfast.......he just smiled, picked up his lunch and walked to the back door, "Lock me out Please!"

And one more thing.....Thank you for your thoughts on the subject. One lurker came out from behind the curtains. You are welcome to leave a comment anytime!

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Pop Quiz!!!

A subject has come up recently in the last week....once on the PlayBoyChannel...which I don't put a lot of stock into....they have this wild Idea that all women are one shot way from a being bi-sexual....I have tested that theory.....and it hasn't happened yet....there isn't that much booze for my door to swing open to that!
But anyway.....and then the subject came up again on the Today??....It was with Campbell Brown and she is on NBC...so.....it must be a valid topic to discuss.

So let's all weigh in....even the lurkers.....I know you're there....just click anonymous and type your answer.......and then you can go back to lurkin'. I don't bite....unless you like it.

What do you think about Fuck Buddys, Friends with Priveledges, or do you seek out a Relationship?
Which do you prefer?
Do you think it is an age thing for your choice or experience?

Monday, March 12, 2007

Super MoodyBitch....

I have been taken over by some supernatural force...over-Freakin'-night!! I have become Super MoodyBitch!!!
Dressed in my costume of the largest pair of Levi's I could find and a baggy sweatshirt I face the day with 4 hours worth of sleep.....the time changes has not effected on me....I don't sleep!
Under my baggy sweatshirt I have a baggy t-shirt...it may be 50 degrees out there but it feels like 30 below zero!!!!
And I am wearing the best ever Victoria's Secret bra built for packin' around 2 50 pound boobs...how that happens over-Freakin'-night I have no clue!?!? Seriously, I think VS should have a government contract to arm all women with this bra....one that can maintain those monsters and the nipples so hard that they could cut glass is just amazing!!!
Normally, these big boobs are used for good....getting doors opened, extra ice cream and the all important...FREE BEER!!
But today.....LETHAL WEAPONS!!!!! And must be strapped down for all concerned.
The one thing that Super MoodyBitch has no control over is my hair....it rebelled!!! It has a fantasy life all it own.....today it's off in a rock band. I washed and dried it like normal but when I flipped it over and looked in the mirror....it was hair that even David Lee Roth would envy. Super MoodyBitch said "Fuck it!" and sprayed with the hairspray....."It's a step up from the DL photo, just go with it!!"
I can only hope that Super MoodyBitch doesn't take the dog clippers it!!

Super MoodyBitch comes and goes at will......I am not in control of my powers just yet!
Like on the way to work, I had to stop by a friend's house to feed her cat. But I couldn't find the garage door opener. Super MoodyBitch took over the search!! It seems that if you cuss and throw things around the lost item magically appears!!!
She is able to leap over the desk in a single bound and choke the life out some unsuspecting dumbass that only wants to look at my kittens!!!! Screamin' at the top of her lungs..."I'M NOT RUNNING A PETTIN' ZOO HERE!!!!!!!!"
She can cry faster than a speeding bullet....DON'T TEST THAT!!!!
And She has this weird ability to smell everything......EVERYTHING.....AND IT ALL SMELLS LIKE SHIT!!!!!
She has more tenacity that a 50 pound pit bull and 2 Jack Russells.....THAT WAS TESTED!!!! And She Won!!!!!!

I am still not sure if the powers are for good or for evil.....so tread lightly children...tread lightly.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Like a Ton of Bricks!!

So I asked the expert...."Hey Honey, I want to tell you something and I don't want you to get all freaky on me."
Now you know that has his senses up....but I proceed on....Not only does Tequila make your clothes fall off but gives you a sense of strength to proceed on with something that you know your man is going to flip is lid over.....
"Well the other day...." and I tell him about eating lunch and the conversation I had with that young man.
"He What? Called you Momma??"
"Yes, and did he mean that in a way that I should be offended? Do I Look That Old???"
"No! He was testing the waters to see if you could be his Sugar Momma!"

OOOOOOOOOOOOO
"And do not eat there again!"

But it still lingers in my mind....I can not wrap my brain around this....at all!!!
Until this am on my drive to work.....Like a ton of bricks!!!
O! M! G!
I promptly ring up Roy!!
Hey, Honey! Does this mean I am a MILF?

There was giggling....the man giggled!!
"Yes, you silly twit!"
"Thank God!! Becuz I sure don't want to be Old....and look it!"
And all is right with the World.

Friday, March 09, 2007

A Week in Review....

Monday: After drivin' Roy around after his injury...which is better.....he made a command decision!
"You will not be getting a permit to pack! With your temper, it is bad enough that you are flipping the bird and cussin' traffic that if you had a gun you would be zingin' bullets!!!" He wanted me to have that concealed weapons permit.....not any more!!!
Never mention....outload.....when your spouse is in the passenger seat anything about shootin' out "that SOB's headlights if he doesn't back off my fuckin' ass!'
Trust me...it doesn't go over well!


Tuesday: I suffered a kick in the teeth from a person that I thought was a good person. I referred my friends to her....I really liked her!
Be very afraid of those who profess to be "Good Christians". I, personally, don't think they exist. There are some really great people that do some amazing things and know that they are not perfect and know their flaws That do not ram their religion down your throat.....every time I have met a "Good Christian" and I let my guard down....I have had my heart stomped!!!
So I say Fuck 'Em.....and the Horse they rode in on.......Her loss!! Not mine!!
It wasn't the Deacon's Wife, by the way....she's got my back!


Wednesday: Roy came home all in an uproar over his co-workers. It seems that they were talking about the PlayBoyChannel...You know how men can be......They were "upset" at how raunchy it is...How all the gals are trashyho's....Go figure!!!
When there was a loll in the conversation, one of the boys spoke up, "Hey Roy, I saw your wife this mornin'!"
Well, That did sit well with Roy! "Here we are sittin' around the campfire, talkin' about trashyho's and YOU bring up MY WIFE! Thanks a lot, Dude!"
I just laughed!!! I see the humor in that!


Thursday: My day off!!! I took my kitchen measurements to town for an estimate on a new kitchen....I am so disappointed!!! I don't want the damn thing gilded with gold!!!
Shit!! I could have a new car!!!
So what do you do when you are depressed?? I eat!!
I thought I would try Popeye's....things just got worse!
No, the chicken was great. The service was great.
Then the man behind the counter said, "Hey! How long have you had that car?"
Obviously, he has good taste!!
"We bought that off the showroom floor, in 1998. We didn't even test drive it. We knew that was the one. I said I'll take it. Wrap it up! It's mine."
"Damn!!! I wish you were my Momma!"






What????? Back the Truck UP!!




I just smiled...what the hell else could I do???
I wasn't sure of what kinda momma he wanted...Sugar Momma or His Mother????


And then that brings up a whole other question.......Do I look old enough to be a 30 year old black man's mother??????


OH God!!!!!!!


He just kept callin' me that!!! "Momma, would you like some butter."




Stick a fork in me.........I'm Done!!


So now I'm a High Strung TrashyHo that is some man's Momma!!!
TGIF!!!!!!! Where's the Tequila??? Make mine a double and keep 'em comin'!

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Ruby June, My Baby Sister...

Sister,
I have that ringtone. I can load it on his phone. Does he have Bluetooth? But you have to come see me.


RJ:)
********************************************

Ruby June,
His teeth are white!!! Bluetooth??? Come On!!!


Granny's on Sunday sound good?

Sister:)
********************************************

Sister,


You're Silly!! Granny's is good!!


********************************************



Ruby June is my baby sister.
When I was 3, I learned that I was gettin' a new baby. I had HER name all picked out, Missy.....and if there were 2 SISTERS, Missy and Missy....I was 3!
I was so ready for HER!
That fateful day came, Mom and Daddy were going to get my new Baby SISTER!!!
Daddy came home to tell me the good news...."You have a new baby brother."
What??
"I don't want HIM. Send IT back!"
I had seen my mother return unwanted things all the time. I knew if I stomped my foot and pouted my Daddy would send HIM back becuz that is what Daddy's do!!
That was when I learned about the conveyor belt in heaven operated by Angels. You know the one.....It sends baby's to good people and what ever drops off the end is the baby you have to take home.
Rats!
I couldn't argue with the Angels in Heaven!

So when I was 7 and I learned that I was going to get a new baby, I took my plea to a higher power...."God, I want a baby sister. You fix it right now. Don't let another boy drop off that conveyor belt. You are God and you can do it!"

And I got Ruby June!


When the perfume counter at Dilliard's wasn't enough to do, she took a part time job with a cell phone company that turned into a full time job that she liked better.


Yeah!!! I know......Better than Dilliard's?????!!!!!

She has all the neatest toys for her cell phones. Apparently, all the kids in her family have one too. I called her one day and her baby boy answered the phone.....I was shocked! He is 4 and is the cutest kid ever....he announces that his mom is not at home....why isn't her phone with her?? He didn't know!!
She will fix my ringer problem....ASAP!!!


Ruby June and I are total opposites:

She is a brunette....she has to color her hair to be what my natural color is....Blonde! When a movie is made of my wonderfully dramatic life......Reese Witherspoon GETS to be Ruby June. And Renee Zelleweger GETS to be me.

She tans....I freckle.
She is the pretty one....I am the smart one.....go figure!!!
She is a Republican....I am a Democrat.
She is Baptist and sometimes her door swings Catholic.....I'm a rock solid member of the Hedonistic Church.
She is country.....I am Rock and Roll.

And I would walk on fire for her!! I told my Ex-hubby that he could be replaced, that I only have one sister.....and he was...replaced!


Becuz, That's how I roll!!

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

I'm Not a Rocket Scientist!!!

Ruby June,
Help me!!! I would like some ringtones!!!!!
Roy can't hear the beep boop tingley things that are in the phone. He would like that frog/lizard thing that sounds like a motorcycle. But I have no clue how to get it!!!
I tried my cell phone people...or rather the internet office of my cell phone people and didn't get anywhere.
So I trotted my HappyButPerplexedAss down the local store where I bought the damn thing.....and that is where the problem or lack of help began!
First, becuz the cell phone contract is in Roy's name, I am as useful as a tit on a boar. I can only stand there and tell the kid what I want but becuz Roy isn't there I can't get it done. That shit drives me nuts!!!!
Secondly, he says "let's try this." And tells me to purchase a Motorola Photo Tool Cd from EBay and I can easily load whatever song I have in my collection to my cell as a ringtone!!!!
That sounds like THE MOST PERFECT SOLUTION to this problem.
HAPPY!! HAPPY!! JOY! JOY!!
I don't have to spend 10 Bucks a month to get ringtones when all I want is one!!
Well, okay two....I want VooDoo Child for mine.
So Off I go to order the CD....only I found it on Amazon....I trust them....and I received it in one week!! I ordered some flannel jammies from Vicky's Secrets and it took them 3 weeks to come...what is that all about????
But I now have the CD and the answer to Roy's problem just a couple of clicks away.
I realize it won't be the motorcycle one but I can use CCR or Nugent and he will surely be able to hear those.
WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The songs that I have, The wavs I have collected or any of the sounds that I do have.....are the wrong freakin' code or whatever to load on the freakin' phone!!!!!
The only ones that will are the bootlegged songs, PreNapster VS MetallicaDays, will allow me to crop and work with!!! Go figure!!!
So I worked on the 4 songs that I have and cropped and worked into the perfect thing for Roy and loaded them into his phone.....reset his ringer....which by the way is not the easiest thing in the world either.....why can't I have a "USER-FRIENDLY" phone?????
And then I called his phone to listen to the ring....Wild Thang...my personal ringtone!!!! So aptly fits, don't you think??
And all that damn phone did was light up!!!
NOTHING!!!!!
NO RING!!!
NO SOUND!!!!!
The only ones that will work in the freakin' phone are Midi's!!!!
And do you know what they sound like....beep boop tingley versions of Bohemian Rhapsody and I Walk the Line....do you know how pitiful that sounds???????????

Help Me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, March 05, 2007

I Have Been Tagged!!!

Mz Beth tagged me so here goes:

1. Are your parents married or divorced? My Parents were divorced in the 70's and remarried in the 80's. Dad died a couple years later and my mother....I don't really know or care!
2. Are you a vegetarian? No Freakin' Way!!
3. Do you believe in Heaven? Yes.
4. Have you ever come close to dying? Yes.
5. What jewelry do you wear 24/7? My Wedding band and my half of set of a Diamond studs...Roy wears the other one.
6. Favorite time of day? Quittin' time....and the door does not hit me in the fanny!!!
7. Do you eat the stems of broccoli? No!
8. Do you wear makeup? Only on Date Night.
9. Ever have plastic surgery? No.
10. If you did have plastic surgery, what you you do? A complete overhaul!!
11. What do you wear to bed? It depends on what mood I am in.
12. Have you ever done anything illegal? Sorry But I am under a Gag Order.
13. Can you roll your tongue? No.... And seriously why would you?? It looks like a penis when you do that!! I am sorry I have to be the one to tell you that but it does. Not that there is anything wrong with having a Penis in your mouth.....hhhhmmmm.....
14. Do you tweeze your eyebrows? Yes
15. What kind of sneakers? K Swiss
16. Do you believe in abortions? I am Pro Choice.....I choose to have my baby!!
17. What is your hair color? Strawberry Blonde
18. Future child’s name? That Ship has sailed!!! But Roy and I did talk about it once and The boy's name would have been John Wayne!
19. Do you snore? Yes, very lightly....Roy recorded me.
20. If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be? Hawaii
21. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? No
22. If you won the lottery, what would you do first? Claim It!!!!!
23. Gold or silver? Gold
24. Hamburger or hot dog? Hamburgers
25. If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be? Nachos
26. City, beach or country? Beach
27. What was the last thing you touched? A potato Chip
28. Where did you eat last? Here about 2 minutes ago.
29. When’s the last time you cried? Friday, My Oldest Daughter's Birthday....we don't talk.
30. Do you read blogs? Why Yes I do!
31. Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex? No...not intentionally.
32. Ever been involved with the police? Yes, I slept with one for years.
33. What’s your favorite shampoo, conditioner and soap? Shampoo and Conditioner...Victoria's Secret Strawberrys and Champagne....soap, Dove Body wash.
34. Do you talk in your sleep? No.....or Roy would have recorded it!
35. Ocean or pool? Ocean....It all comes down to sand or kids.....I would rather have sand in my drawers than little kids peein' in the pool!
36. Sauna or whirlpool? Whirlpool....but do not use lots of shampoo to make bubbles.....TRUST ME!!
37. Starbucks or Krispy Kreme? WE don't have either here.
38. Window seat or aisle? Window.....Every freakin' time I have an aisle seat I get stepped on!
39. Ever met anyone famous? Just Roy! He is Infamously Famous!! And a few of relatives of famous people.
40. Do you feel that you’ve had a truly successful life? No Fuckin' Way!!
41. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? Cut it....I am too old to be that messy.
42. Ricki Lake or Oprah Winfrey? Oprah
43. Basketball or Football? Football, Baby!!!
45. Automatic or do you drive a stick? Stick, Baby!!! Wrap it out tight and Pop the clutch...I can bark the tires 3 different gears and If I can't find I grind them!!! Roy hates that!!
46. Cake or ice cream? Ice Cream.
47. Are you self-conscious? Of What???? Do I have a booger on my nose??
48. Have you ever drank so much you threw up? Yes.....I couldn't bring myself to eat Spaghetti for a long time after that!
49. Have you ever given money to a beggar? Yes....It was a little kid....Give them the money and they go away!!
50. Have you been in love? Yes....Many times!!! Or was that lust???
51. Where do you wish you were? On a cruise ship sailing around the world and someone else is paying for it!
52. Are you wearing socks? Yes.
53. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? Nope not one time!
54. Can you tango? No....only becuz I don't have a willing pardner to learn.
55. Last gift you received? Flowers from Roy.
56. Last sport you played? Volleyball
57. Things you spend a lot of money on? Shoes and Purses....and Gasoline!
58. Where do you live? In Okie Dokie Oklahoma!
59. Where were you born? Nowata, Oklahoma.
60. Last wedding attended? StepDaughter's 3rd....Let's hope this one takes!
62. Favorite position? Sex?? or Politics?? Either way you are bent over and screwed.
63. Most hated food(s)? Liver or any other Innards....that is just gross shit!!
64. Most hated soda pop? Coke
65. Can you sing? Not one note
66. Last person you instant messaged? Jeannie a few weeks back.
67. Last place you went on holiday? Branson
68. Favorite regular drink? Regular Drinks?? There are regular drinks??? This is a trick question??
69. Current Song? The one stuck in my head?? Life is a HighWay....Or the one on the radio??? The wind Cries Mary.
70. Tag 3 friends. Nope....and you can't make me!! If you would like to play....go ahead it is a free world!!

Sunday, March 04, 2007

Life in the Fast Lane....

Or maybe from the passenger seat it just seems fast!

So Roy did his list of chores to be able to drive to Branson, his bag was packed, he made a liquor run, and won some money at the casino.
That wasn't on the list but he does so much better without me....really is something we can't figure out.....I'm a Cooler....my MoJo works against him....seriously!! But that is another tale for another day....
Off we went! He decided he could use the car against itself......downshift to brake, givin' him time to move the bad leg to the break....good in theory!!
A couple of times, I was a bit scared when he should have been brakin' much quicker than he did and once the car in front us STOPPED at the yield.....why do people do that??? It's a freakin' yield sign.....YOU YIELD TO TRAFFIC NOT STOP!!!
Then on the other end of the spectrum I have those who don't yield to me.....Oh wait let me yield!!! I'm the one with the right of way!!! Let me whip this invisible yield sign outta my ass and I will stop!!! Freakin' DickHead!!!

Where were we???

On the road to Branson....Good Golly Miss Molly!!! That hurt him to brake that quickly.
We weren't in the hotel room 5 minutes when he announced that I would be drivin' from now on!
He took totally advantage of that aspect....He had a two margarita lunch!!! The waitress turned to me and asked if I wanted another, "No thank you, I'm shoppin'."
And did I ever!
I scored 3 pair of shoes.....pink hi-top Converses, Red thongs with a cute wedge of wood and leopard print suede, the red patent high heals.......They match the cute little teddy from Victoria's Secret....Roy picked them out.
And he wanted bullets....men!!
He's in there right now packin' his hail in his ammo cans....with his little label maker thingy....Men!!
The Branson Landing has something for everyone.....and the shops are great. The restaurants are fabulous!!

If you are ever in the Ozarks....you gotta shop there!!

Friday, March 02, 2007

The Drive to the Doctor's...

Was an adventure in itself!
I don't normally drive Roy around. It is way too stressful on both of us. There have been so many times that I have either whipped the car on the shoulder and made him get out and drive or just turned around and drove home and locked him out of the house....I think once I threw him out of the car.

I mean really!!!
It is like takin' a drivin' test all over again!!!
"Use your turn signal."
"Slow down."
"Keep both hands on the wheel."
"Don't follow too close."

I can only take so much!!!
But Thursday, with him barely able to walk there was no way he could drive with the bad leg being the right leg. He was at my mercy! So when the drivin' test began I just blocked him out and every little bit I would shoosh him.
"Slow down."
"sssshhh."
"Turn signal!"
"Shh!!"
It was like that scene from Austin Powers where Dr. Evil was shooshin' his son....for 12 miles!!!

And then he got nasty!!
"I can't wait for you have something wrong and have to have surgery and be in real pain and I GET TO DRIVE YOU!!!"
He wasn't squealin' like a girl but he was sure whinin' like one!!!

After the visit to the doctor's office, we had some errands to run around town.....he was not pleased!
"Did you look before you changed lanes?"
"Slow Down!!"
"You have no respect for that tag!"

And then he threatened me!!!
"That's it!!! I am buying some dumpy little car that has a 4 banger in it to slow you down!"

Gasp!!!!
Now that was below the belt!!
Them's fightin' words!!

"Roy Hightower!! Wash your mouth out with soap!! Are you trying to get me killed? Why on God's little green Earth would you buy me a car that I can not drive in traffic with all these aggressive drivers? I am only being defensive! I can't believe you would say something like that to me!"

This am I when I left for work, I left him a list of things to do before we left for our weekend trip. And I told him if he got the list done he could drive the car. He had the list done by 11:00am....He wasn't takin' no chances!!!

Have a great weekend!!!

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Doctor! Doctor! Give Me the News!!

Roy woke me up in the night by fidgetin'......well....not really fidgetin' so much as squirmin'!! It was drivin' me nuts!! I was not happy!! Fidgetin' is my pet peeve....but squirmin' is grounds for divorce!!!

He got up and started to get ready for work, then decided that something was wrong. He has a pain in his side....very painful when he walked. That was why he was squirmin'......he couldn't find a comfortable spot.

I promptly asked him if he wanted to go see the doctor.
I have an unnatural fear of appendicitis.

In Kindergarten, a girl nearly died from it and I have been freaked out about ever since. I don't know how many times I have gone to my Granny with a pain in my side for her to tell me it just gas! "It will Pass."
So here is Roy with a pain in his side!! And he passes gas like nobody's business!

He went to work with me so I could take to the doctor later....appointment at 11:50....that give us plenty of time to come up with all kinds of things....hernia....tumor....blood clot....emergency surgery was bound to happen!!!!

Pull my Hair Out!!! OH GOD!!!!

After seein' the doctor, Roy was in much better spirits!

Not like the day I took him in to have the lump in his groin looked at......it could have been a tumor....I can't have a tumor THAT close to Elvis!!!!! I tease him all the time about havin' a brain tumor but one too close to Elvis......That dog don' hunt!!
I was so freaked out!!!
He came out of the office practically tap dancin'!! That doctor have him a script for Viagra!!

What????

"How, pray tell me in the great wisdom of your manly universe, is that suppose to help the lump?!?!?"

"It's a new type therapy!"

What???

Am I that dumb??

Men!!!

So this trip, he came out of the office singin'..............."I like to live on the edg-jaa." I hate the freakin' commercial!!!

"My doctor said, 'Your wife beat on you, didn't she?'"

What???

"No really, what did he say?"

"I kid you not, That is what he said!"

It is a total conspiracy...it is a world that is totally Men Vs Women!!!

In reality....such as it is for him......He somehow pulled a tendon in his sleep. You ask how that is possible.....apparently during his sleep his stretched and twisted his tendon...the big one....whatever.....and injured himself.



Good grief Gerty!!!

And just for the record.....the viagra therapy does not work for on strange lumps in the groin!!!