Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Saturday, January 13, 2007

The Curve!!

I drive 10 miles to work. Rather boring really so I make things happen.
There is a curve....suggested 30mph curve....90 degree curve....that I would guess it to be about 100-150 feet around...not a big swooping curve but small and should be a FourWay stop but......it isn't.
Roy boasts about being able to "take that curve at 50" in his CopCar......A freakin' POS Ford LTD...pphfft!
Well, I ought to be able to do it in my car. That Camaro is built for it!
Problem is......and they are numerous......it is a blind curve.
I can only make attempts in the winter and fall. When all the leaves are gone so I can see if there is other cars ahead that I may meet.
And it is banked so that if you take it too fast it slings you into the other lane of traffic. I have to stay in my lane....only 12 feet to work with.
There is a house in the crux of the curve.....they generally have a frickin' dog!
A bus stopped on one side of it for a long time....until the school decided it was unsafe becuz of the curve being blind!!
I can't make an attempt when the pavement is wet...or in the rain....my car hydroplanes real easy...those wide tires hit the tiniest bit of moisture and it walks all over the road!!
There are no shoulders for cushion.
I can't drive and watch my speed so I have no idea if I am doing it or not.
So I consult the Master:
"I can't watch me speed and take that curve at 50. How do I know if I do it?"
"Stop trying and just drive your HappyAss to work...safely."
"But how?"
"Look after you come out of the turn. But stop trying."
I made more attemps. It just wasn't workin' out for me. I just couldn't do it at 50!
I could manage easily at 40 and maybe 43 but not 50.
So back to the Master:
"You have to tell me the secret to doin' that curve at 50. I just can't do it."
"No and stop trying!"
"But I know I can do it in that car. It is built to do it. But 50 is just to fast to go into that curve."
"WHAT?? STOP THAT! Don't go into at 50...Good God, you are going to kill yourself....You go into it at a slower speed, cut the apex and then punch it. Now stop it!"
I now know the key!!
And I can do it Northbound without a lot of effort. It is a skill that comes in handy when I have a DickHead tattoo'd on my ass!
BUT.....I can't do it Southbound!!
Back to the Master:
"I almost have the curve figured out. But when I go south, it throws me into the other lane of traffic if I do it too fast and that isn't good...it is banked all wrong. How do I do that?"
"SOUTHBOUND!!!! STOP TRYING TO DO THAT!!! You can't do that southbound! It is banked all wrong!! You're gonna get hurt! Stop It!"
"No, really. What's the trick? If you can do it, I can do it."
"I am not tellin' you. And I didn't make any attempts to do southbound!!"
"Okay, I will just have to figure it out on my own."
"Oh Lord!! Go at it slowly and find that point in the road that you can punch it and hit 50 coming out of it. You will know it, you will feel the right spot. But Stop trying!!!
So off I go to battle the curve....it is a long battle and I will win!
I am a Jedi and My Car is my XWing Fighter....The force is strong in this one!
And I have a 5 gallon bucket of balls to boot!
So Last Friday, I was feelin' pretty damn good about life.
Sammy and I were singin' about havin' the best of both worlds and how we may never be here again.....So I went for it!!
Focus!!!
I honed it down to me and the road......I took that curve....in my lane and not slung over into the on-comin' traffic!!
I have snatched the pebble from the master's hand!
After 8 years of battle, I have mastered the curve.....northbound and southbound at 50mph!!!
Let the pigeons fly!!!
"Honey, you know that commerical where the two red cars are racin' along side by side and one spins a donut to the right and the other cuts one to the left??"
"Yeah???"
"How do I do that?"
"I AM NOT TELLING YOU! And you make ONE Attempt, I will take your keys from you!"


I've heard that before!!

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

The ColdBug From Hell....

I don't know which one of us brought the damn thing home but both of us were sick with the ColdBug from Hell!
Roy took all week off.
It must be nice to be retired!
I toughed it out and made it until Wednesday before I totally crashed!
I had the roughest night Wednesday into Thursday...which was my day off.....such a waste of a day off....but I cat napped all night long, up and down, tossin' and turnin'. So I moved to the couch and propped myself up so I could breathe and hopefully sleep.
Wrong!!
I had a cat sleeping by my head.
I had a cat sharing my pillow.
I had a cat sleeping on my hip.
I had a cat sleeping at my feet.
Maybe it was some sort of cat magic to ward off evil spirits....or I was the only warm thing in the house!
I swear I heard, "Gentlemen, Start your engines!" at 5:30!!!
And the Flag dropped.......CatNascar started!!
Have you ever heard 5 cats running thru the house at top speed??
With a pounding headache, it is whole lot like a herd of buffaloes!!!!
And I was in the middle of the race track!!
Around 8Am I gave up and showered and waited for Roy to get movin'.
And when he did he announced that he was going to do 2 things and that I would never guess.
I didn't try....I just called the tune!
"Well Let me tell you EXACTLY what you are going to do! You are takin' me to get my Driver License. And then you are going to WalMart for drugs and Orange Juice! If you have any other plans other than that, Amend them!!"


OH!!!! MY!!!!!!!!! GAWD!!!!!!!
There is a sign at the Tag office that says "If you look like your DL photo you are too sick to drive."
My photo looks like I was thrown under a bus and drug for 6 miles!!!!
Oh I know you say, "Why didn't you wait until you felt better?"
I was already driving around with an expired one....for about 5 weeks!!!!!!
And with Roy saying vile, cruel, and mean things like RETESTING and DRIVER'S TEST....I couldn't put it off.....Hell I barely got it the first time!!
I had to take the written twice to get my Motorcycle endorsement!!
He mentioned that if I would behave, I could go down on my lunch break and get it at the local office.
Sometimes I wonder what he is thinkin'!
BEHAVE!?!?!?!?!
I have not set one foot in THAT office in 5 years!!!
And I am not about to start now!
Those Buckin' Fitches!!!!
"When you get stopped it won't be good!" Meaning a traffic stop!!
What??
When???
"I won't get stopped and I think I can manage to go one week until I can get it done!"
And in that one week The ColdBug From Hell came to visit!!!
I am feeling way better...thanks for all the well wishes!!
So it is back to the coal mines....eating couchdrops like they were candy!!

Free to a bad home.
One well used cold bug. Mean people inquiries only!

Monday, January 01, 2007

Pecan Soup...

I Must Confess....
I am not a baker. Sad but True.
I can cook! I could hang with Martha any day.....well in a Justin Wilson sorta way...Remember the Cajun cook that would tell stories while mixing up a roux.....and would add a cup of wine and then spill over a lot more......I am sorta that kind of cook!
I don't measure a lot of things that I have made over and over and over.....like home made biscuits and chicken picatta ......So yummy!!!
But back to baking.........I can not bake.
I wish I could blame the oven.
Or the fact that I have to put all powder items in large jars to keep out the bugs.
But it is just me!
I have burned many cookies....so I don't bake them any more.
I gave up on brownies YYEEEEAAARSS ago....so not worth it....just buy the damn things!
I haven't made pumpkin bread since in 6 years becuz of that very bad incident....I mixed it all up and it was looked so pretty in the pans and I put it in the oven and walked away....the buzzer goes off and open the oven up to see that nothing has changed.
What the Hell???
It was still soupy!!!
I had oven right.
I checked the recipe. I had that right...all the stuff was still on the cabinet.
I reset the timer and walked away....only this time I set it for 10 minutes.
The Buzzer goes off.....and still soup....VERY SWEET SOUP!!!!
I had mistakenly used powdered sugar for flour and so it wouldn't rise and make bread....just soup!
It wasn't long after that....like the next Thanksgiving or something.....I decided to make pecan pies.
I love pecan pies...who doesn't??
I had two the most beautiful pecan pies made....I set them on the stove and finished baking a smoked turkey....we always take smoked turkey as the turkey at Roy's parents may have come from a dumpster.....That is just gross....and every one else must feel the same way becuz we very rarely take the smoked turkey back home...anyways....
The buzzer goes off and I go into check on the turkey and find two burnt pecan pies!!!!!! The heat from the oven circulates up and over the top of the stove and burned them!!!!!
I sat down and cried!!
They ate them though....which goes to prove that every one loves pecan pie!!
So True to form....the following year, I baked another pecan pie.
I preheated the oven and mixed it up and set in the oven as instructed by the recipe...this is one I follow to the letter.
And started on the smoked turkey.....and hour later...I have pecan soup in a pie shell....What the hell!!!???
I let it bake 15 minutes more....and the top is browning nicely....but the bottom is still soupy....What the Hell is going on????
I continue to monitor it every 10 minutes....I took the turkey out and move the pie up...I am going into my 2 hour on this pie...and I still have soup!!!!
Sometimes things just hit me like a ton of bricks.......I have the broiler on!!!!!!!
Not the bottom heat but the top heat baking my pie!!
I broiled my pecan pie!!!
I broil everything.....even pies!!!!
I took it out and thought maybe it would set up....the juice I shoveled off the oven door did???
But NO!!!!!!!
When I got to OKC and unwrapped my pie....with Roy over my shoulder laughing at me and my pie....juice was leaking everywhere....I was near tears!!
But you know what...they ate half of that pie!!!!
That just proves that EVERYBODY LOVES PECAN PIE....and PECAN SOUP!!! It would have made great topping for ice cream!!!
And the really sad thing....I am the only one that dares to bake one!!
Roy said later in the car on the way home....."It is a good thing you can cook becuz that baking thing would be a deal breaker!"
What a guy!