I have been asked numerous times, "You wake up in a new world everyday, don't you?"
That would be a big fat yes!!
And so it goes.....
For several months, I have been mullin' over whether or not I was willin' to pony up for those easy to use teeth whitening strips. They are so freakin' expensive!!!
Cheaper than the bleachin' the dentist wants to do...they are always wantin' to do something that the insurance doesn't pay for...just dig in my pocket!!
And have you seen those freakishly white teeth that some people sport???
OOOh soooo scary!
Roy has tried many different toothpastes....you should see his drawer!! I dug around in it lookin' for medicine and pulled out 4 tubes of that crap!
None of it works!!
So I goofed around long enough for Listerine to come out with that mouthwash that foams and helps to whiten teeth...it's loaded with peroxide... just a capful.....swish it around, spit, brush and go!
Roy decided that it was burning his tongue.
Well Hellfire!!! We can't have that!! Call out National Security his tongue is burnin'!!
I saw a commercial about a woman that gets on an elevator and puts in her teeth whitenin' strip and presto chango...she gets out of the elevator with fresh breathe and a whiter smile!! That looks like the thing to do!!!
$26 later and armed with all the EasyStrips I will need. I have had 1/2 bottle of WineSlushie and feelin' no pain....all giggles and shits.....so to speak.
I am ready to try them out! I sat down on the couch...I can do this while I watch the OSU Cowboys put it on Texas Tech!!!
First, get them out of the package....3 attempts.....One with out glasses, one with a cat on my chest and tryin' to drape over my shoulder and around my neck....did I ever tell you I am a cat cushion???
And the final attempt to get in the box was with glasses and without cat...I am in like flint!
I have read the directions from the box....pretty simple....Step 1 open film strip.
Step 2 look for notch. Put notch on left side on the bottom teeth.
Step 3 look for notch. Put notch on right side on the top teeth.
Here is where all goes to shit....
Step 1. I tear open the first one...and it's empty!! I turned it upside down and nothing fell out. These Bastards cost way too much money for me have gotten cheated a frickin' strip!!! I felt around in the packet and scratched with my nails...ooooohhhhh there it is!!!
Step 2. Look for the notch....NOTCH!!! There's no stinkin' NOTCH!!!!
I looked it over pretty good....OOOOOhhhhh that notch!!!
And proceeded on with step 2.
And applied that puppy to the TOP!!!
HUGE!!!! HUGE MISTAKE!!!!
But I don't really know that yet....still all giggles and shits!! WineSlushies really aren't that bad...just don't leave the bottle in over night.
That is the Big Ass Chard!!! I just love that name! I like it better than YellowTail but not as good as Toasted Head......sounds like an orgy!!
Step 3. Look for the notch....now that I know what to look for and ATTEMPT to apply to the bottom.....which is next to IMPOSSIBLE!!!!
And I think in the end I just laid it on the bottom row, run my tongue over and said good enough! Which sounds a little sexy too.....Roy just might get laid today!!!
In the mean time my mouth is doin' all sorts of weird shit!!
All I want to do is spit!!!
By putting it on the top first my spit glands.....salivary glands as I will find out later.....and after a half bottle of WineSlushies I can't say it...Savlitory.....salivery.....Oh shit the spit glands.......started workin' in overdrive!!
There is no freakin' way you could apply these damn things in a elevator and BE HAPPY about it!!!!
It was all slick......and sticky.......hhhhmmmm........and like partially cooked paste!!!
I left them in my mouth for as long as I could stand it...spit and rinse about 10 times..... and then had to brush my teeth!!!
I turned that box over and over lookin' for info on what to do.....when I noticed an insert with further instructions!!!!
And the reasons for not puttin' them on the top first!!!!!!!
Roy was watchin' all this...tryin' not to laugh....tryin' not to cry.....he said, "will you just go to bed!? You are startin' to look pathetic."
I was determined to not be beat by those damn things so Sunday night I tried them again. I followed it step by step and I still could not get the bottom one on right....it just balled up in my fingers!!
There is no way on Earth that Roy Hightower will even attempt to use them...he went back burnin' his tongue!