Thursday, July 19, 2007

The Children of the Corn

Roy is fanatical about 3 things, Harleys, me, and Corn.....some days I'm in the number one position...sometimes not!



He was raised on a farm in Iowa and is a total snob about corn! It's just unbelievable the passion he has for it. This is the first year we didn't grow it ourselves. He has, just flat, been too tired to put out the big garden.

I have tomatoes and peppers planted....I can't live with out my tomatoes and peppers!

I was told that I am not to buy that crap they have at Walmart that THEY call corn...."It's FieldCorn! I don't care what they say it is!"

Soooo....I am at the mercy of the local farmers for HIS PASSION. That is where my adventure begins.....

Armed with $60 I mounted up on my trusty stead on my lunch hour on Monday and headed for the Mennonites to buy corn. Only to find out that some varmit had gotten into the garden and had eaten their crop........Shit!!
Try to express your frustration in front of a young amish-type girl!!! I wonder if I shouldn't have even said "crap!"???

Plan B....a elderly man that always has a sign out for different types of veggies.
Yep he had corn!!

I had $60.....all 20's!!
He has an honor system for paying for the veggies and there was no change in the can!! He wanted $2 for 6 ears!
I dug around in my car....I wasn't about to give my Silver Quarter.....it's in the car to ward off bad luck.....though I have it comin' out my pores......I can't find the rabbit's foot I used to carry....and my four leaf cover is missin'.......So the '64 Quarter stays in the car!!
I managed to come up with $1.80 in change.....I wasn't about to buy $20 of cukes and tomatoes....I have tomatoes........So I took the corn with full intentions of coming back to give the man his 20 cents.

I backed around to leave, thinkin' what to do and watchin' the flow of traffic. He lives near a very dangerous intersection....I have to pull out in the middle of a hill....past his freakin' shrubs and his veggies sign.

Dude!!
That is such a bad spot for your sign!!

I looked left and glanced right.
I looked left again and pulled out.....Poof!
There was a car!!

SHIT!!!!!!!

I slammed on the brakes....I was good. I would have hit her in the front quart panel!
The old lady that appeared from NO FREAKIN' WHERE never even looked at me. It wasn't her fault!
But Lawsy where did she come from?????
I went back to the office and changed out my twenty and went back to the old man's home. I was gonna count the change and make sure I didn't miscount the first time.....I was rushed....I could have miss counted the pennies!
The can was empty.
I had to grin about that....either he isn't all that trustin' of the HonorSystem or he really needs the money!!!
I wasn't gone a total of 3 minutes...4 tops!!
I just dropped in what I thought I owed him and bought some other things.....the man had okra......and I didn't want to look like a complete idiot....though I seem to have a flashin' sign tape to my forehead!!

I backed around.....lookin' over traffic....I looked left and LOOKED right.....I gave right a real good look over this time.....I looked left again and one more time to the right around the edge of that freakin' sign....and once more to the left.....Go!!
NO!!!!!

And a car crested the hill!!

Shit!!!!!!!

Slammd on the brakes.....He would have hit ME in the front quart panel!
I started cussin' like a sailor....It was so not worth it!!!
My heart is racin' about as fast as my mouth.....It is sooooooo not worth it!!
Corn or no corn!!!

IT IS SO NOT WOTH IT!!!!!!!!

But.......that voice......that says stupid things to me....like "sure have another shot of tequila"....after having 6.
"sure, buy that pair of shoes"......that are still in the box....never to be worn.
"buy that purse".......that you haven't used.
And some not so stupid things...."don't grab that Rottweiller by the collar!"
That Voice.... popped into my pea brain.....let's stop next door at THE Other Man's house and get some green beans!!!

Which didn't pan out....no green beans....so now I have to pull out of his driveway!!

UGH!!!
My Quarter saved my ass yet again...BUT......

I don't care how much Roy loves Corn.
I don't care how much I love Roy.
I will not ever.....go do that again!!


And the real kick in the ass......it wasn't good corn!!!

10 comments:

Beth said...

that is too funny........I love corn too, but i am not that picky, as long as it isnt in a can i am good.
now i have to do something with these nails of mine, got up way too early, 3:30am, couldnt sleep, so thought i would do my nails, in the dark found what i thought was nail glitter in Kaleys room, thought Oh that will be different, something to do so early in the morning, well as daylight appears, its not glitter but small confeti, i look like i stuck my hands in a jar of graphite shavings. For a split second it was funny, now it has to go!

Sherry said...

Oh what a funny post. You had me laughing so hard tears were streaming down my face.What a shame to go through all of that and the corn ends up nasty.

Well I do hope the rest of your week goes much better.

mannyed said...

I'm sure Roy would hate corn if something ever happened to you while getting said corn.

I wonder what would happen if you bought wallmart corn and passed it off as farm fresh?!

diane said...

Hiya Nadine:
I love corn too....but, not enough to risk life and limb for it...lol.
And it didn't even taste good??...DAMN!!
I see that we're both experiencing Mother pains right now. I wasn't criticizing him or naggin him about anything. The conversation we were having didn't have anything to do with him, personally. He just decided that he didn't want to discuss it anymore and off he went. I'm not upset that we argued...I'm upset because he left me to walk 8 blocks back home and I have trouble walking one block. The thing that's nagging at me now is that I think he must have something weighing on his mind....#1 He came to have coffee with me on a weekday and #2 he lost his temper so easily over nothing. He'll call when he's ready and until then, I'm just not going to let it bother me.
I hope you can do the same Hun...family can really stress us out if we let them.
Hugs....Diane.

Jeankfl said...

We've got some good sweet corn people by sailboat bridge. I get it from them all the time, and it's really good! Other than that, I think he could get his own!!lol Keep those breaks in good shape!!
hugs,
Jean

Vickie said...

I feel for you. Been there done that.
Peace
Vickie

MizAngie said...

What the hell is it with Iowans and corn? We have two guys at work from Iowa and they're corn snobs, too. Then when I found out they don't even eat blackeyed peas up there I knew they were effed up in the head. Ha!!

If you keep pulling out of blind spots you better get a whole roll of quarters, a live rabbit with all four feet, and a field of four-leaf clovers!!

kfarm said...

I am a corn snob too. Thanks for coming by! Your right about the kids and the parents.

Sherrie said...

MMMMmmmmm corn :-D.....mind you if you eat too much of it it makes your poop bumpy!!!

Proto said...

Um, maybe go with the flow over the hill and come back instead of making a left on a busy road with poor visibility? Nevermind, I'm off to the next post.