Thursday, April 27, 2006

Can We Talk??

Driving to work one day, the guys on the radio were talking about Oral Sex. They said that "Eatin Ain't Cheatin'!"
HHHMMMM.............Something to think about!
We had a President that based his relationship with an Intern on the premise that Oral Sex wasn't really sex at all. "I did not have sexual relations with that woman!"
Isn't that the quote?
I believe he even waved his finger while saying it. Meaning, if he didn't have intercourse, he didn't really have sex!
Does this not open the door to all sorts of "quickies"?? Getting a quick bite to eat takes on a whole new meaning. HHHmmmmm.......
I could pull off a quicky to get my power steering fluid put in and not feel the least bit guilty.
And then I told Roy......He is such a wet blanket!
"So.........Eatin' ain't cheatin'. What do you think?" I said with a huge grin on my face.
Looking at me blankly, "What?"
"You know Oral Sex isn't really sex so......Eatin' ain't cheatin!"
In his best cop stance looking down on me he said, "Let me line this out for you so there is no doubt in your mind as to what constitutes sex. All sex is sex. If you have to take any part of your clothing off it is sex! Any kissing is sex! Any dancing with anyone except me is sex!"
"So dancing with you is not sex?" A disaster, yes!
"Don't mess with me! Any flirting can be construed as sex!"
OMG!! I have sex with soooooooo many people becuz of that clause!!!
"You have got to be kiddin' me! Flirting!!??"
"Don't mess with me on this one, either. How did you get me?"
"Good point."
"And, finally, any sitting in a cop car is considered sex!"
WHAT!??
He may have fallen into his own trap...... "So how many women have you had in your car, Buster?"
"None! I didn't work that way! Handcuffed drunk women in the back seat that I was escorting to jail is totally different. Have you ever been in a cop car?"
I thought long and hard, he did leave a loophole........"Nope!"
"Are we clear?"
"Crystal!" Damn it!!
So that closed the door.
And here I thought I was on to something......Oh well, back to the pocket rocket!

Friday, April 21, 2006

Maybe It's Just Me.....

Yesterday, I walked out to get the mail at work. The wind caught a postcard and it blew about 12 feet away. I walked over to where it was and reached down to pick it up and ….. Holy O’Shit and Muck Fe!!!
There was snake poised to strike!!! My first thought was to stomp on it and then I thought better of that!
The air temp was 59 so I think it was too cold for it to think fast….I know it was pretty Cuckin’ Fold for me!!
So I called Roy, he was at home becuz of all the rain….”Honey, what does a Copperhead look like?”
And starts telling me stuff that didn’t look anything like what I saw…”Let me tell you what just tried to get me!”
“Yep, that is a Copperhead!” He said. He thought it best to leave it alone and not attempt to kill it and take it home for him to look at it.
I could have taken it pix and take it home but he said “Do Not Go Back Out There and Mess With It, Period!”
“Sir Yes Sir!”


The only good snake is one that makes a pair shoes and matching purse!!

Monday, April 10, 2006

Yard Work is Best Left to the Experts!!

Growing up, I was a tomboy. I would scrap with the neighbor boy, I gave him a kung fu kick to the mouth. Oh, I loved him!!!
I played tackle football with boys. It was more like Keepaway but I tackled 'em! I had their respect to some degree. I knocked the wind out of one them and he was going to kick my ass! Three others step between us, "Hey man, she does that to all of us, just let it go!" Those sissy girly girls would just stand there giggling and let those boys have the ball............but that is not the point today.
I am no longer a tomboy. I do not to manly things.
I am not sure of when it happened but it did.
I think it was when I said, "I Do." to Roy Hightower.
I do not mow the yard with the riding lawn mower.
I run over things that screw up the blades. It is not my fault that our yard has rocks poking up. You would think it was a Harley or something.......GEEZ!!!
I do not use the push mower, either.
It is too complicated............trust me!!
I mean really, Remember the days where the mower had two speeds, fast as a bunny or slow like the turtle??? With NO SAFETY FEATURES!!?
This new one is self propelled and your hands have to be on the handle for it to run. So if you have to stop and move something, you have to restart it again! That means I have to yank that pull thingy.
And you have to have your hands just right or you look like the flying nun behind the mower. There is not Bunny or Turtle. It is all in how you grip it.
Roy said, "Here, try this."
So the first words out of my mouth are, "DO NOT HURT ME!"
Only to have him running across the yard yelling at me, "Let it go! Let it go!"
GEEZ!! I did EXACTLY what he said to do!!! "Hold it down to go..........."
I do not use the weed eater.
I have picked up rocks and cut my legs. Watching me bleed, Roy banded me from using it ever again.
I do not run the tiller.
I have never even tried. Roy has NEVER said, "Here, Try this." with the tiller. Why take any chances?
But Sunday he was pissin' n' moanin' about ALL he has to do in the yard.
He has to spray weed killer on the weeds.
Spread the poison to kill the ticks.
He has to weed eat.
He has to plant some veggies in the garden.
So I took pity on him and gathered up my gloves to help him. I was going out to pull weeds in the front flower bed. They are so easy to pull after a rain. I could do that without a whole lot of effort on my part.
Our front flower bed is along a rock wall that Roy built to level up the yard. So I was walking along the bed when I heard something moving in the grass. I looked down and saw this snake! He went slithering alone the rocks. I am sure he was freakin' too. Human!! HUUUMAN!!!!
I was squealing like a girl frozen to the spot. Snake! SNAAAKE!!
Then it hit me!
What if there were more down in here with me?!!?
I managed to jump from where I stood to about 12 feet into the yard. I did it in like 3 steps....... and up 2 foot over the rock wall. Still squealing like a girl!
My chilly bumps had chilly bumps!!
I stop the squealing only briefly, thinking, "Where is Roy!??".
Just about that time, he came running around the corner of the house......I started squealing again!!
I do not weed out the flower beds..............any longer.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Oak Trees and Rabbit Brains

We have this ongoing debate.......okay, so it is one of many ongoing debates...........This one is about when to plant Broccoli, Cabbage, Cauliflower.......when the girls were little, we called it "Rabbit Brains".....which makes me think of the time a deer run out in front of the pick up in a rainstorm.......so we fed the girls RoadKill and Rabbit Brains.......I know.....Redneck....and just goes to show you why they are warped........anyway........and other cold weather plants.
And they are not really cold weather plants....they just do so much better in the cooler temps than the sweltering heat of summer......Okay to the point......
I think that these types plants should planted when the Oak trees have buds the size of squirrel ears. I got that piece of information from an old man at the feed store..........old men at feed store know their garden shit!
Not peach trees.......those are the dumbest trees I have seen! They are prone to bloom the first of March and for Pete's sake.....it always freezes one last time and the blooms always die and I never get peaches......so dumb!!!
The Oak Tree knows it shit!
It tells me I can plant Mid March!
Roy seems to think we should wait until all threat of frost is gone. He says what I think are buds are really leaves and squirrel ears are bigger than I think.............and the fight is on!
Becuz I know the difference between buds and leaves!!
This year I let Roy Hightower have his way........we planted the cold plants when all threat of frost is gone and the 4 inch soil temp is 65. That would be April 1st or so.
Friday night, he asked me when was the cauliflower ready to pick.
"When it is so big and is white...why?" and I showed him a gesture with my hands about the size of a dinner plate.
"Well it is purple and only this big." and makes a gesture with his hands that is about the size of a tennis ball.
I bit the inside of my mouth. "Let's give it a day or two and then we will pick it."
He didn't look at me and said, "I think we should have planted it sooner than we did."
DUH!!!
YES!!!YES!!! YES!!!!
And another funny little tale........ garden related.......
He told me get the plants from a certain nursery instead of WalMart, becuz one year we didn't get the pepper plants I wanted......I had some odd banana plant and I wanted jalapenos.
People move labels around and things are mis-marked......So I went and bought Broccoli.....lots of it!!
But what is growing out there is Brussels Sprouts!!! Totally NOT MY FAULT!!
I ask the woman and that is what she gave me. It is hard to tell when they all look alike as seedling!!!!
Brussels Sprouts anyone?? To go with my purple rabbit brains!!!

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Gardening With Roy....

For the first time in 5 years, Roy wants to have big garden. WE haven't really been in the big garden mood since the girls left home. Just some peppers, tomatoes and okra.
But this year.........we are going all out!!
I bought seeds and plants. He prep the ground, bought mushroom compost, and worked it in.
Let me give you a bit of history and science...........Mushroom compost is really a chicken crap mixture......and it smells really bad...... and it steams......that the local mushroom farm discards.
Well, sell is a better word. It used to be $12 a truckload. And now it is $20 a truckload. And it doesn't matter if you have a normal size pickup or a little Toyota, you get two dumps from the Bobcat....Roy felt he was getting cheated, so he built some "special" sideboards.
Imagine a wheat truck the size of a Toyota 4x4.....make it red or it just isn't right......with a dent in the door from where Roy tried to tear the door off.......Funny story.....for another time.....So off he goes to get MushroomShit in his "WheatTruck". He gets in the long line of folks wanting to buy MushroomShit and after a while it is his turn to get his load. He motions for the Bobcat driver to dump on another scoop....that would be 3!! And the little Toyota squats something fierce.......the front tires are really just sorta floating......and he drives by my office with a big opossum eatin' shit grin, waves, and off he goes to put his MushroomShit in the garden.
Men are so easily amused.
That MushroomShit is the best stuff for growing veggies. People think I am nuts but we had 8 foot tall Okra plants!
And 6 hills of Watermelon produced 50 melons!!! I had them all over the house!! My Granny and I made watermelon jellie......but it didn't work out so well........it is more like watermelon syrup.........real good to flavor Vodka!
Roy has wanted one of those Mantis tiller for like ever.....like the TroyBilt wasn't good enough......and when it crapped out, the Sears Craftsman..........."Oh but it is too big to get around the tomatoe cages"
So I waved my magic wand and called in a favor.
In the past, I have given my veggies to the local tribe to help feed the Senior Citizens. One would think that all that money the casinos are pulling in that the tribe wouldn't have money problems but I really don't want to get on my soap box about that right now. I called the Chief's wife.......she is like the Hillary Clinton of the Tribes......she is like a mother to me.......she feeds my critters when I am gone........and I do the same for them when they go to the horse races......I know she has one of those tillers. They haven't had a garden in years.......I have been supplying them with tomatoes and peppers.......so I asked if we could borrow it to see if Roy really wanted to invest in another......boy toy......I mean, manly garden machine. The Chief said to keep it!!
With his opossum eatin' shit grin Roy said, "Really?? " ...doing the happy dance.
Now with all the Rain, planting has stopped. And that means the weeds are thumbin' their noses at Roy and he can't do anything about it until it drys out.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Movies and TV.....

Roy and I LOVE movies. We are big TV people too. So much so the we plan our lives around certain shows like Survivor. If you miss one of those you are totally lost.
We tried to get into LOST but when they stopped the series to rerun it........that just loses us. That is the whole idea of a series, is it not?? To show the series in order???
That is why we stick to HBO.
We love The Sopranos and Deadwood. They show them in order, right down the line. No skipping back and forth.....that just Drives me nuts!!!
We haven't been to the movies since the last Harry Potter movie. I am Potter freak. And Roy's a good sport so he goes along. I even drug him to see Finding Nemo. I figure it is a good trade. I have seen every war movie that has ever been made in the last 12 years.....but one.
But lately there has not been a movie that has been worth the debate and price of a ticket.
King Kong: Good movie but how many times does it have to be done?? And I sure that the last one is the best but can they not think up something original.
All the remakes of 70's sitcoms and beloved TV shows is just embarrassing.
There was no way I could talk him into going to see the Longest Yard......"I saw the first one.", is the most common answer that I get. I dont' force the issue. I have a real big problem with glorifing criminials anyway.
Jarhead: "That is not my Marine Corps!" and personally, I didn't want to be sitting in a dark theater with only man in the room yelling "Bullshit!" at the screen.
Been there.
Done that.
Any cop movie!! "Oh that will is just Bullshit! He has violated the Policy and Procedure Manual at least 15 times and he would be fired!"
The only movie that comes close to "His Marine Corps" is Full Metal Jacket boot camp scenes. And they are "candy coated!"
The last one we watch from the Satellite was Stateside....brief boot camp scenes......"Oh, he would be spending time in the brig for that! You can't hit a superior officer and walk away from it! There is Hell to pay!"
And if by chance, they hit the mark......I didn't want to be sitting in a dark theater with the only man calling cadence!!
"One! Two! Three! Four! I love the Marine Corps!" In his best R Lee Emery voice.
It sounds really cool once he gets going.......when we were in a large party trekking thru the rainforest in Belize....sure! But not in the theater!
We have a good size DVD collection. That avoids the outbursts!!
He just loves O Brother where art thou. He didn't watch it with me the first time but heard me laughing so much that he had to watch it. He almost has it memorized he has watched it so much.
Tombstone: He has it memorized word for word..... "You tell 'em I comin' and Hell's comin' with me!"
Young Guns 2: He has 2 copies so when the other one wears out............is the possible??
Snatch: That is just the funniest movie!! He is not real hip to English movies but that one he loves!
My viewing pleasure of course includes Brad Pitt.
Interview of the Vampire.....you get Brad and Antonio with all that hair........double hot!! Tom Cruise just doesn't do it for me. Top Gun is okay but Goose doesn't have to die.....maim him, but his death is needless!!
Troy....... just to see his nekked ass and hair!
Legends of the Fall ........... the long hair.....that is pure porn for me!
The Last of the Mochians.....Hair and that line...."Stay alive...... I will find you!" just before he jumps thru the waterfall........melts my butter every time!!
So I guess I will have to wait to see the Johnny Cash movie on DVD.......we saw him in concert on our honeymoon......it was not good.
And Brokeback Mountain..........for obvious reasons too numerous to get into. "You are not buying your own copy, are you?"
Hey, to each his own!!

Weekend Highlights and Date Night!!

I highly recommend that couples participate in Date Night..... No Kids!!
Just the two...very important!! Put a cowboy hat on Roy and he looks like Kenny Rogers!!
Dinner at a new place. Becuz it is new, it is popular!!
Table for Turner, party of two....I never give them my real name. First, the little hostess can't spell it AND you wouldn't believe how hard it is to pronounce HighTower after it has been spelled wrong......could it be the accent??
Haaatowr!! HiiiiTowr!!
I don't see the problem.
So for the night I am Mrs Turner. We have tried other names, Harley Weewax and Mrs Tom Fullery but the same problem with spelling!
50 minute wait!! So I grabbed Roy by his sleeve and drag him off to the Bar. One couple was leaving and the man leaned over to Roy and told that he could have his table as it was first come first serve.....Well, You don't have to us twice!! 20 Minutes!! Roy said, "What do we do when they call our name?"
"We won't worry about it!"
In an effort to Pay the Favor Forward, Roy tells the couple that took our seats of this information about the first come first serve......some people you have to tell twice and they missed the table. They were not as quick as Roy and I when it comes to jumping on a good deal!
Then our name was called!! Roy leans over and says, "They just called us. Go, grab our table. Be the Turners!"
And off they went!!
Is That cheating?? Or just working the system to our advantage??
After a Texas Tea, a Margarita, and a glass of water.............I have to go fish! I told him quite plainly, "I will be back!"
But upon my return my date turned into a tall good looking black man....hhhmmmm....maybe another day. Over in the crowd, Roy was in the middle of the foyer with my pink purse looking like some one who just came down off of Backdoor Mountain, telling people, "If you call me a sissy, I will hit you with my purse!"
Saturday: Work in the am and tackled and finished the sudoku puzzle!! Oh ,I did some work for the office.
Roy worked some cows with the boys.
I ran some errands.
Roy worked on the dog house problem. His last words as he went out the door was, "I will win!"
Which by the way, the dog had him convinced that she could not jump into the new and improved house as he was making her some steps!!!
"Honey, she can jump into the truck."
Oh no he tried and she wouldn't go.
So I got a treat......she jumped right in without any trouble!! He looks at me like, "you smart ass!"
I made lots of margaritas maybe too many! I woke up Sunday morning with a hickey that neither of us remember!! Roy was quite sure he didn't do it!
What??
Well, I must have done it then!

Sunday: Super Bowl Sunday!!
We went to the Casino blew a few bucks. A booze free day.
Then the game!!
Now all I am going to say is that we feel the National Anthem should be sang correctly and with out adding extra lines or an extended version. This is a very important thing to the Veteran at our house!! 'nuff said.
The coin toss was a clusterfuck. The Ref had no control over it but he did make up for it later as he took a TD from the Seahawks and also gave a TD to the Steelers. As an Okie, I am used to bad calls and Refs helping the other team and live with it......I will bitch about it but I live with it!!!
I was a little disappointed about the commercials......the magic Fridge and the Ameriquest ads were good.
And life goes on.................

Monday, April 03, 2006

Oklahoma Weather....

I should have known that Saturday was going to an awful day. It is April Fool's Day. It couldn't help but be an odd day.
It started out beautiful................in the driveway!!
7:35, I went off to work. I stopped to get my newspaper and every man and his coon dog that owned a bass boat was there fueling up and getting food for the day. What a clusterfuck! All I wanted was my newspaper!
And I have to follow 3 of them to the lake area. With a Semi coming up the wahzoo and bass boats without trailer lights stopped in the road making lefthand turns in front of me..............Wow!! I just wanted to mind my own business and go to work!
So with it being April Fool's day, I expect people to try to trick me.
I'm blonde.
It just happens!
But trying to say that someone died??? That's not funny. That still bugs me. My very most FAV Navy Pilot once sent me a joke that his crew did to him on April Fool's day. It was like a newspaper article about his ability at being a "WhackMaster ". THAT was funny!
12:02, I head home.
My drive is 10 miles and it takes me 15 minutes. I can do it in 12 but that's flying!! That's another story..............It was God's turn to throw a joke at me. He has a great sense of humor!
The storms started to roll in from the east. I could see the funnels coming down!! I thought about pulling over and getting you some pix but they went right back up just as quick as they came down!! So awesome!!
I could hear Roy's vioce in my head, "Quit dickin' around and get that car under cover before the Hail comes!!"
Now at 12:12, all the bass boats were gettin' the hell out of Dodge!! What a clusterfuck!! They WANTED out of the water!!!!! The lightening was cracking all around and they were freakin' out!!
Can't really blame them. But they are drivin' like mad men, pulling out in front of me, like that!! I just wanted to get home, get Roy and take him back to where I saw the funnels coming down.
He was mowing the YARD!!!!
He had no idea what was going on!!
He could see that I was freaked, so he said to go check it out on the TV.
The electric was off!! No surprise there, with all the lightening. We were posted out on the porch in the lawn chairs watching the skys and a lightening bolt hit so close you could see sparks coming off of it!
Awesome!!!!
No Hail!
No Tornado!!
Just Rain!
We sat there for a while eating cold chicken and bread and butter.
The electric came back on at about 2:30.
All was calm and peaceful.
What a beautiful day!!
Will Rogers said, "If you don't like the weather in Oklahoma, just wait a minute and it will change."