Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Open Mouth and Insert Foot...Again!!

Less dramatic but equally as bad........
There was this funky odor yesterday around the office. I just thought maybe the BossMan had been out on a farm call and handled a dead calf or something. That is what it smelled like! Decomp!!
So just jokingly, I said, "Did you work on a dead calf? I can smell that odor and maybe you have it on your shoes or pants?"
Oh, the look he gave me!!
You would have thought I told him his dog died!
Or his daughter had her business pierced!
Or we were sleeping together again......story for another day.

"Oh, that really bugs me!! My wife has told me for the last 6 months that my hair stinks! Smell me. Smell my clothes!"

What??
Wanna get away..........I even smelled his shoes and comb.
Yep, it is his hair.
Now if Roy Hightower comes walking his HappyAss thru the door and sees me giving another man the sniff test.....Katy, bar the door!!
The Shit will Hit the Fan!!!
So I am now trying very gently and gracefully to dodge all the this and make excuses for it.......I really wanted it to be a dead calf!!
You know how you can always tell when someone is a heavy smoker. They just wreak of that odor, a miggle of body odor and ciggies.
Or someone that fishes has that fish smell on their hands.....I asked, "Have you been eating that bear?"
He killed a bear while out Elk hunting last year. I was reaching for answers!!!
I was twisting in the wind........
Then he let me off the hook...."I appreciate you telling me. I will have to try a different shampoo. Thanks."
Yep, I'm your man, for telling you that you stink!
And that you have bad breath, I have slipped him a mint a couple of times.
And I have cleaned blood off his face.
And I am the one that tells him he has a booger.
It is my job.
SOOOOOOoooo......Now I have to tell Roy.
I was feeling guilty for sniffing another man. He just grinned and shook his head. He has plans to walk in one day and say "WOOOOOO What IS that smell?"

Anybody have a job for me?? I work well with others and have a great Personality!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mr CrankyPants came back......his dog needed shots. He paid me with fives.
A lot of fives!
So I said, "Is this your poker money?"
I know he is a religous man so I didn't ask if it was for the lap dances at the local tittybar.
And he replied, "It is money from my moneytree from my anniversary party we had on Saturday."
What????
If you remember, they buried his wife on SATURDAY!!!!!!!!!
So let's me get this straight, We buried the Mrs and celebrated many year of wedded bliss with Mr CrankyPants........It that not the weirdest thing???
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Monday, March 27, 2006

Open Mouth and Insert Foot.....

It happened innocently enough. I didn't know. He excused me, he said I didn't know. But that doesn't make me feel any better...............
There is this elderly gentleman, Mr. CrankyPants, that comes in with a poodle that I groom. He is a surly man, a down right ass when he wants to be! He is one of those that makes me think of my Gramps, (cold shudder). He just takes over the room. He is the focal point.
Though I would rather deal with him than the Mr. PervyMan. Another elderly gentleman that I wish the BossMan would handle.
Mr. PervyMan "looks me up".
The BossMan said "Looks you up?"
So I, "looked him up". He blushed and I didn't even lick my lips the way Mr PervyMan does!! Now for those that don't know what it is to be "looked up", it is being looked over from head to toe and stopping at the crotch and chest area. And if you are Mr. PervyMan, there is lip licking!!
At least he doesn't blow kisses at me like Mr. MarchHare.
But I am way off base here........
Mr. CrankyPants came in and sat down with his poodle and started talking to while I was helping a lady. So I had to stop and involve him in our conversation about worms. And as I was finishing up with her, I asked about his wife. I knew she had been in the hospital about 2 weeks ago. And matter of factly he said, "Oh we buried her on Saturday." I was floored! I didn't see that one coming.
Both the lady and I started giving our condolences. And for the first time ever I felt the need to hug him. He looked frazzled. He is not the huggable type......he needs one though.
I didn't know. Geez!! I felt like a SouthWest ad!! Wanna get away........

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Just to Clarify....

1. The Boss's Wife some how has blocked me from adding pix and Backgrounds for my IM at my other address. How, I am not sure. I am not a rocket sciencist. And I so wish I could figure it out......but this way I have a new ID and now I blog. A whole new way of being non-productive!! Damn the WoMan!!
Long live the VelvetTush!!
2. I did indeed get a cramp in my foot in the middle of the fun and games.
And yes, Roy did indeed continue.
NORMALLY he is a "Lady's first sort of guy" but I guess he thought I was joking!!!!
I like most folks, tried like hell to get it out without disrupting the flow, but OMG it hurt! I finally had to tell him to stop. And I was laughing.......Which broke his concentration and "Elvis" decided to leave the building! All he had to do was let me up and work it out and we can get right back to business but NOOOOOO!!

Friday, March 24, 2006

Why VelvetTush??

I wish there was some great reasoning or tale behind VelvetTush but there really is not.
It is sort of a "Damn the Man" thing.
Or in this case a "Damn the Woman!"
I maintain several different addresses....And once again there a method to my madness.
One for Roy's family and friends.
One for ordering stuff online.
And one for my personal use. I use it to IM back and forth between the different offices that the Vet runs. I could load my own pix and have my own backgrounds.
No biggie!!
And then one day, I could not load my own stuff! I tried several different times and several different option settings and nothing worked.
The Son could change his!
I could change The Clinic's.
The Mom could change her's but I could not.
After months of frustration I found the right thing to click on and it said that SOMEONE had blocked me!!!
HUGE BIGGIE!!!!
It made total sense!!
Well, I didn't take that too lightly! I felt like I had been kicked in the gut. So I put it to the test. I opened a new address.
My purse was sitting on the desk and the ZZTop keychain was hanging out. You know the one....Silver Double Z's that one of them dangles in Legs. I bought last year at their concert. So I thought what is my favorite ZZ song.....LaGrange.....But that didn't have a good ring to it.....Tush.....Now there has to be a bazillion Tushs on the internet......so what would I want my Tush to be.....SilkTush.....No.......SatinTush....No........VelvetTush........Yes!!
And The Velvet Tush was born!
And I apparently am the only one of those..........so far!!
My old Id had indeed been blocked!!
So Damn the Man....And fat secretaries........reinventing yourself is easy when you have the right motivation!!

Thursday, March 02, 2006

The Basis of A Good Marriage??

There is a line in the Wedding Date, Dermot Mulroney says to Debra Messing, "I would rather fight with you than make love to anyone else."
I looked at Roy,"That is the basis for our entire marriage!"
He agreed.
Case and point #1:
That cramping incident came up again and he, Jerk, thought I was enjoying myself!
What??
He has a hard time discerning the different between the oooo's and AAAAHHHH's of pleasure to the owwwww's and AAARRRUUHHH's of pain.
Is it so hard to discern the difference between Oh Baby and Hey, I need up!?
#2:
After having a nice dinner at the Outback, I am quite warm. He chalks it up to me having a hotflash. Jerk!
"I am not having a hot flash, just turn on the friggin' A/C!!"
"Oh no that is bad for the truck, I shouldn't turn on the A/C at 80 mph."
What?? Like going 80 is good for it!
"It is best to have turned it on at the light and give the truck time to adapt." And he rolled down the window.
What??? Adapt???
We are not trying to release it into the wild. I just wanted some cool air!!
#3:
Has anyone seen that ad for that stupid device that cleans spots on the carpet? Now why is this device any better than good old elbow grease and some soap and water???
Roy says, "That woman isn't bitching at her husband."
What??
Where did that come from???
I am on the couch, watching TV, minding my own business.
"That man is hiding behind his newspaper and the kids are hiding behind the furniture and the dog is cowering! That woman has dropped an elbow on them a few times to garner that kind of respect!"
#4:
How about the ad where the wife is asking husband about all the really cool features that their new Dodge Ram has to offer but he won't use the directional thingy??
Roy says, "She ain't bitching at him either."
It came on right after the other ad.
"She is letting him wander around in the desert so when she kills him, she can easy dispose of his stupid ass!"
I'll betcha, he didn't turn on the A/C!!!
#5:
For whatever reason, we were watchin' the Country Music Network........that movie with George Strait, Pure Country. Neither of us could think of any songs he sang. I am not a country fan, but Roy is. And then it came to me.
"He sings the Fireman song."
"No way!"
"Do you want to put money on it?"
"No. But he didn't sing that song. It just doesn't sound like something he would sing."
Now I ask you, if he doesn't like to argue with me then why do it. We all know George Strait sings the Fireman song. But Roy Hightower wants to bicker with me.
And all this has been in the last 3 days.
There is a long list of incidents of proof that all we do is bicker, debate, and out and out fight about everything under the sun............and have really great make up sex!!

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

A Hairy Situation....

As you know, since marrying Roy, I have been placed high upon a marble pedestal and sit upon a pink satin goose down pillow with Roy guarding it from any interlopers. My hubby carries me around on that pink satin goose down pillow so that I do not touch the ground where mere mortals walk.
That being said.........
I was in the kitchen one day making supper when Roy came in to talk to me. He gripped the counter like he was a man with a great weight of problems on his shoulders.
He said, "I don't know how to start this."
OMG!!
Something is wrong with one of the kids!!!!
I, of course, have a concerned look on my face. He reaches over and takes the knife away from me. HHHHMMMM.............
"Have you done something to your hair when I wasn't looking?"
I am instantly relieved and at the same time, a little miffed. I felt a tremble thru my pedestal. He hasn't been looking??????
I Pouted, "NO!"
"So this is your natural color?"
What???
He has reached over and took hold of my pink satin goose down pillow and gave it a tug. Still pouting but a little more whiny, "Yes."
And then he yanked that pink satin goose down pillow right out from under me, "So you are a brunette?"
I hit the ground hard!!
Gasping for air, I ripped that pink satin goose down pillow from him and proceeded to beat him about the head with it!!
"Roy Hightower, you take that back or I will slap a harelip on you bigger than Dallas! (Do you know how big that it?) That is just the worst thing you have ever said to me!!!! Go wash your mouth out with soap!!"
Now he can call me a skanky ass bitch but a brunette........that is just crossing the line!!!
Is that grounds for divorce??
No wonder he took the knife!!!
I have my hair appointment scheduled for next week!

The Cane Tale.....

Before I get into the Cane Tale, let set up some backgrounds of the people in the story.
Roy's parents are in their 80's. Very Good People......quirky but aren't we all. My Glamour Shot photos are condsidered porn............Very Stanch Nazarenes.
As a child Roy was forced into church and all that goes with it. He knows just about every verse in the Bible. And takes an oath on it very seriously. He is my go to guy for those time when idiots make references to the Bible.
He never cussed a lick until going off to the Marine Corps....I think it is one of the General Orders....As A Good Marine you will Cuss Loud and Vigorously.
He never saw any movies until he in the Marine Corps. I am not sure of why the Nazarenes boycott films..........He never even saw a Disney movie!!!!
He never went to dance or party.....that was not a church function. It is all I can do to get him to dance with me nekked in the yard by the moonlight!!
Roy's sister was brought up the same way, of course. And to stay married to a gay man to me is just unbelievable but that would be against the church........to divorce! The two of them cope with it and that is their life. The upside is they are great at decorating.
I didn't not inherit any type of Martha Stewart gene. So I left my home decore to Her and My Mother inlaw. They created a shrine to Roy on one wall........it has all his pix and plaques he has been awarded over the years and not one pix of any one else.
Over the years Roy and I have gotten tidbits from farm sales and auctions. Not great stuff but odd things, hats, canes, and a paddle. Those women put all this stuff on one wall of my home. The canes were spread over the wall and they thought it would be nice to add to the collection. Roy's Sister and Brother Inlaw came up with a great buy of cane for a quarter. It was long and white, sort of rawhide looking thing. They were so proud of their find. They told the story behind it, that the last owner had made it. But that they were not sure what it was made of and apparently neither did anyone else.
I looked at Roy.
He looked at me.
"You know what this is don't you?"
Roy's face got all red, "Yes!!"
The others gathered around were quite interested becuz by this point I am laughing. Roy's dad was looking it over real close and I just could not control myself. It was just one of those pee your pants funny things.
Roy had to be the one to tell that it was part of a bull becuz I just couldn't find the right words. If I had said that it was cane made from a bull's penis I would have been banded from the family.
Roy's mother got flustered and turn about 6 shades of red and left the room.
His sister and brother inlaw didn't say a word.
His father just kept looking it over and over, saying that it just couldn't be a penis. It was just too long and wrong color.....that is was some sort of root...........now I had to leave the room to go pee.
It is proudly mounted on our wall at home with the other canes.
I can not hear the phrase "a real wall hanger" without out laughing.
They stopped buying canes and started buying me little shoes...........they can't be mistaken for a bull penis!!