Wednesday, February 22, 2006

The Weekend Review....

As I sit here thinking about the weekend, only two or three things come to mind worth blogging about.
1. We went to a concert.....Don Williams. He is NOWHERE close to Nickelback but Roy likes him. It is the Farewell Tour for Don Williams. So I guess you just have to go or wait until he has a theater at Branson like most of the oldies.
When I told my friends we were going, I joked about getting Mr Williams to sign my boob.
Once at a Rally, a motorcycle builder that had been on the Discovery Channel was there and he was signing this young lady's boob. I mulled that over and thought better of it as this was in our hometown, some one might see me that actually knows me.......I was told by My Very Best Friend to keep my boobs to myself.
Rat Spit!!
I offered my seat to Don Williams to The Very Best Navy Pilot. He declined but wanted me to send him to Nickleback with my daughter!! Yeah Right!!!
Now here is where all that information comes into play.
When I selected my the seats I was shown the seating pattern UPSIDE DOWN........Meaning, we were a lot further back from the stage that I thought we would be. I could not see Mr Williams at all I'm so freakin' short!!
And it was Roy's deal so I didn't bother to trade seats.
And he would not have put up with the Drunk Lady as well as I did!!!!
She smelled like a mix of Jovan Musk for Women and...Coors...no.....Miller lite....YES! That's it!! What a combo!!
And Yes, I had intimate relations at the concert!!
Ms Drunk Lady and me!!
I had a lap dance and I got a huge boob in stuck in my chest every time she turned around to talk the people behind us. She would leap up and yell, "WE LOVE YOU DON!" just about every song. Her husband had bugged out mid concert becuz he was so embarrassed. I told her not to worry about it and have fun!!
So when Don Williams starts to sing Tulsa Time of course all the Okies go nuts........Both of Roy's dates...me and the Drunk Lady.... are on their feet and singing along.
And somewhere along in the chorus, MS Drunk Lady says, "WE should run up there and show them our titties!" I could not help but laugh. I was told to keep mine to myself.
Then she says, "Baby, what color are your eyes?" That was all Roy could take.
Just as soon as he could get us different seats we moved.........Hey, I was having fun with the Drunk Lady!!!
And she teaches our children in a local public school....isn't that cool!!
Oh, Mr Navy Pilot you should have taken my seat!!!

2. Moes Burritoes....I took my daughter to eat there when we went shopping. We both orded "Homewreckers"!! That was the biggest burrito I have ever had!!!
I burned her a Nicklback CD and stuck the money for the concert tickets inside.............she was shocked!! "you and me??"
I wish, but "No, you and Jimbo." She was sooo much more happier for some reason!!!
Brat Kid!!
Then she says, "Mom, Nine Inch Nails is coming."
That's pushing it!!! I don't know 9inch nails from Smashing Pumpkins or Korn. The only 9inch nails song I know is the version Johnny Cash did..........so good!
I hope she has fun.
So I guess there was only two......Have a great day everyone!!

A Day Off With Roy....

So yesterday was my day off.....WOO HOO!!! I normally loll about and do JackShit........lots of JackShit.
But Roy had a dental appointment and I had a facial scheduled so we spent the day together. NOT WOOHOO!
He just messes with my inner Chi.......right off the bat he is ragging on me. We are not 2 miles from the house and he gets all pissy. I can't even remember what it was about but I put a stop to it......."Are you going to be an Ass all day or just act like one now, cuz Dude, It will not go well if you are."
"I am done." Point made.
After the dental, we are riding in silence and he says, "That woman was rubbing her boobs on me."
I mulled that over for about 2 seconds......."What is the difference in that and a nekked stripper rubbing her boobs on your old bald head?"
" Well, you don't expect it at the dental office?" Point made.
I went to my facial and if you have never had one.......DO IT!!! So very much worth it.
After it was done I called Roy to come and pick me up.............no answer.
I left a message but I know better......he is such a technophobe that he would never hear it. But I heard him pull up.......
And for his version:
He is walking out of the door at Walmart when the alarm goes off. He didn't buy anything so he didn't stop for the strip search by the Walmart Police but the alarm kept going off......when he gets out to the pick up, MY cell phone is vibrating!! He looks at it but has no clue as to what to do.........so he just drives to the salon to pick me up for me to fix it. And he tells me of this tale of the alarm and Walmart.........Ya Boob!!
It was the cell phone ringing!!!!!
We went to the casino to pass the time away before going to get our passports. I sat down at a penny machine.....I am a real big spender. I walked away with $70!! Roy walked out with $105. He plays on the $1 machines.........I just can not do that. If I lose that kind of moneyI just can't bear it....that is a facial or a great pair of shoes.
So we are standing at the post office to get our passports. We are planning an Alaskan Cruise in August that ends in Canada so I thought it best just to get passports and be done with it. I have everything needed to get them.
And the lady asked to see Roy's Social Security card...........Oooooh if looks could kill!! I'd be dead!
I told him that NOWHERE on any document I read does it state that you have to have your SSCard!!
And the lady said that it was just something she did...........I got that LOOK for nothing!!!!
Ass!!!
I sooooooo look forward to having my day off to spend BY MYSELF.......there is nothing wrong with lolling about and doing JACKSHIT!!!

Monday, February 13, 2006

Pearls From Roy....

NO, I didn't get pearls. I received AIR and Dandelions for Valentines day!!
Roy took my car down and put air in the tires very early in the am. And I had a bouquet of dandelions waiting for me when I got home........so sweet!! He and Trixie picked them. At least they are real!!
Last year, I received roses and a K&N air filter for the car. I felt guilty about the roses until I saw the receipt for the filter.
One year, I received Flowmaster exhaust pipes for Valentines Day.....well, the car did.
I have to wonder about where his heart truly lies.
He told this little tale to me.
Why?
I am not sure.
But here it is anyway..........
I pulled in the C-Store one morning where he and his crew was getting fuel for the day. Roy was in the back of the truck and didn't see me pull in but the Young and Thins did. I smiled, winked, and got my newspaper. As I backed out, I waved to Roy and went off to work. The Young and Thins asked him later, "Is That your wife?"
Roy puffed up like a peacock and stated, "That's my car!"
I felt my pedestal shake a bit but I am fine.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Debate: Real or Fake...

Subjects for discussion on Date Night was pretty weighty. After being riled up at work, I was not the best company.
Things got pretty preachy at work. I don't mind Christians. They have their place in society. I know some pretty nice ones but they keep their views to themselves and do not try to convert me. I am a spiritual person. I believe in a higher power but not religious by any means.......it doesn't make sense to me either but that's my story and I am sticking to it!!
After the sermon, I felt dirty. And that ANYTHING that was REMOTELY PLEASURABLE would lead me to Hell. Like I should wear a burlap bag, shower thongs and drink water and eat dirt!!
Roy said, "Blow it off and have another Margarita!" So I did!
On to the Debate:
Apparently at work with the boys, Roy has been discussing what to get the gals for Valentines Day. They look to Roy as he older and wiser and should by now know what to give the wives and girlfriends for the big day to keep them out of the dog house and off having wild passionate sex. One would think that he would know that but......
"The guys and I were talking about jewelry."
Of course that sends bolts of lightening down my spine. The heavens open up and the cupids start to fly, they are strumming Claire DeLune on the little harp thingies. And I don't say a word. I want to hear more.
"I thought that I would look into buying one of those rings.........(The cupids were playing a little louder.) with the 3 stones.......( 1 carat princess cut diamonds were going thru my brain....The cupids were all a twitter!!).......you know the one with the heart shaped rubies."
What???
Back the Truck up!!
You could hear the tires chirpin' and smell the brakes burnin'!!!
The cupids stopped playing.
One said the other, "He said Hearted shaped Rubies!!"
The other one replied "Oooooooh, this should be gooood!!"
"Heart shaped rubies??!
If they are heart shaped, they are lab created!!
His face went pale.
At Christmas time when he went shopping for a ring for me, he picked out the prettiest little Ruby ring. The salesgirl neglected to tell him about lab created stones. I was the one that broke the news to him. Fortunately, he had not purchased it.
And let me add a valuable piece of advice here: NEVER SIZE RINGS WHEN YOU ARE SUFFERING FROM PMS!!
"But they are soooo much prettier and they sparkle so much better that the real ones."
"Oh! Really!! I will try that on you some day. That the fake or generic is better." He hates generic things.
"With what?"
I grabbed two handfuls of boobs and shook them at him. "Real ones! You know you don't like fake ones!"
Some times, I forget that there are OTHER PEOPLE IN THE WORLD and will just do things may cause some folks some embarrassment.
Stammering for the right words. He came back with, "Name another!"
"Dr Pepper!! I will start buying you the cheap Walmart brand."
The cupids said, "Holy O'Shit, not the Dr Pepper!!"
It is bad enough he has to drink Mr Pibb in some restaurants becuz they don't serve Dr Pepper. We have gone so far as to get up and leave becuz the pop machine was broken and he couldn't get either to drink!!!!
He had no comeback for that. He just sat there with silly smile on his face......Geez Louise!! Older and wiser????
So what do you think?? Real or Fake??

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Vacations...What To Do??

Every year when I sit down and decide what my New Year's Resolution is going to be, I also decide what I want to do on my vacation. That gives me plenty of time to talk Roy into it and to save the money!
Both take time!
One year, we went to Disney World. That was so much fun!! My daughter and I had the best time. Roy was mostly there to carry the bags, take pictures, and made sure we got on the right planes.
I gave him the speech about not ruining our vacation by bitchin' and he did remarkable well. He does know how to be a grown up from time to time.
My most favorite ride has to be the Buzz LightYear at the Magic Kingdom.........Screamed every time they dropped us!! Love it!!!
One year, Roy and I rode our bikes to Sturgis, South Dakota to be apart of the biggest biker rally. What a great time!!! I rode my Harley every mile of the way....over 2000 miles round trip! Most men haven't down that!! I am quite proud of myself!
One year, we went on a cruise with some of our friends. I thought I would never get Roy on a cruise ship. The only time he had been on a ship was when he went to Vietnam.
Not an impressive trip. Or fun!
But when he found out the My VeryBestFriend and her family were going, he couldn't wait to go!! He had so much fun that every vacation he takes he wants it to be a cruise!! Not with My VeryBestFriends......me, I am just a barrel of monkeys!
But before we decided to go on the first cruise.............
Roy went to have breakfast with his biker buddies. I usually refer to them as his Bitches. And after breakfast he came by the office.
"The Boys want to go to Sturgis this year."
I never looked up from what I was doing, "Cool! Are we ridin' or trailerin'?"
"Trailerin'."
"Wimps! Are we campin' or are we stayin in a motel?"
"Motel."
"Pussies! How many of the other wives are going?"
Dead silence.
I finally looked up to see Roy with his eyes closed, gripping the counter like he was bracing himself for the storm.
"What do you mean the wives aren't going! You can't not take me! I am the only wife that knows about the "cheap burger joints"!"
Cheap Burger Joints is code for tittie bars......Roy and his Big Bitch wound up at one in Missouri one fine day. Roy felt guilty about it and spilled his guts......I just laughed!!
"There is no stick up my ass!! I am the only fun wife!!"
He leans in and very calmly,says, "And that is why you can't go!"
So when My VeryBestFriend said "Let's cruise!" We did!
And to make a long story short..........Mexican beach.....open bar.......showering with a groom.....that was not mine.......I had sand in my drawers....I wasn't nekked........Roy just stood there with his jaw in the sand......I realized what I did, " I can't ever go to Sturgis again!"
"Nope!"
We cruise in August.....Alaska......he isn't takin' any chance of there being open bars and beaches! For now!