Monday, December 11, 2006

Sorry....

I got nothin'!
Zip!
Zilch!
Nada!
No Great shopping trips.....I don't do shopping at Christmas time.....too many amateurs for me!!
NO concerts.
NO booze fueled sex tapes.....best left for another day. I am so not in the mood.
NO wild Weekend.....We have a RedHawk Down! A RedHawk Down!
Aunt Martha came for a visit.
The Red River flows.....I'm on the rag....get it... Roy didn't!
I laid on the couch most of the weekend with Prince Valium and ate M&M's.
Well nothin' isn't entirely true.....two very significant things were said this last weekend.
That all gambling would come to a halt.....I see no reason to continue givin' my hard earned money to the Casinos. Roy said it best, "I would rather buy things than to piss it away."
Well, I whole heartedly agree!!
Massages, purses and most importantly......SHOES!!
Roy announced he would be takin' a leave of absence from our marriage....he would be goin' to California to console Jennifer Aniston as she is single and would need to him. He would return in January if he isn't pregnant by then!!
Power to Ya, Mr!!
Have a nice trip!
Wear a condom!
Write if you find work!
You have my number!
January is when his birthday celebration at the TittieBar occurs....he wouldn't want me to go without him!!
Happy Muckin' Fonday!!!!

Monday, December 04, 2006

I Don't Do Ice...

Well, I never been to Heaven
But I been to Oklahoma...........Three Dog Night sang it best!
I live on Tulsa Time.
Take me back to Tulsa, I'm too young to marry...Bob Wills sang it best!
I am a dyed in the wool DumbAss Okie.

Sooner born and Sooner bred and when I die I'll be Sooner dead!!

OU is THE BEST TEAM in the NATION!!!
Big 12 Conference Champions!!!!

I deal with droughts and humidity.
I DO NOT DO ICE!
I have only driven on ice twice and wound up in the ditch both times! The first time was the worst.
My stupid ExHubby was stuck in Tulsa during an ice storm....and he said, "Come Get Me!"
What???
The WeatherDude said not to drive and EarlLee wanted me to come get him??????
Grandpa said not to do it!!!
But I had to do it!
So at about 4:30 I tried to get out of the driveway to drive to the 30 miles to Tulsa.....2 hours later I made it 15 miles...driving about 35mph...lost control somewhere between Collinsville and Owasso...and off into the ditch I went!
I sat there for about 30 minutes thinking someone would come by....nobody!
I had no cell phone....just my dog....thinking back, I don't know where the girls were....they would have been 5 and 7.....with a neighbor maybe?
So I decided to walk back the nearest town....5 miles.....or I could climb that fence and go to that house.....I walked to the fence....it was 6 foot tall with Barbed Wire across the top.....Why would any one do that????
Barbed Wire???
The Freakin' Turnpikes don't have Barbed Wire around the tops of the fences!!!!
There was no way I would have gotten me, my purse and the dog over that sucker!!
I took her back to the car, and locked her in....and started walking down the road....all this time nobody came along....about a 1/2 mile from the car....some pickup nearly hit me!!
They thought it best to pick me up.....or someone else would hit me.....and took me on in to Owasso, where my aunt lives.
I just left EarlLee to fend for himself!
The bastard put me into that situation in the first place....he could just hang out in Tulsa at work.
Deal with it, Buddy!
He was so mad!!!
AssHole!!
We had a wrecker pull out the car the next day and the dog was just fine.
The second time....I was only around the corner from home so I just walked home....let Earl Lee deal with it!
And now I have Roy.......Roy took the day off on Friday to take me to work. And the BossMan let me go home at 12:00...Woo Hoo!!!
Monday Am: As I can't get my car out of the driveway....or into the parking lot at work.....I can drive on the roads.
They are clear!
But the parking lot is a thick sheet ice and snow....Roy brought me to work....VERY EARLY!

Thursday, November 09, 2006

How Do You Know....

You Have Been At Your Job Too Long??
Think about it.

How do you know you have done your job way too long?
I know I have been at this for way, WaaaaaY too long.
The upside....I have learned how to type.
As a sophmore in high school I attempted to learn to type....but that was when Queen put out "Another One Bites the Dust"....Imagine that beat....I really wish I could figure how to add music....whole other story......and a room full of typists and one freakin' idiot that is trying to type to that song!!
I only managed 27 words per minute.....IN THE HOLE!!! -27!!!!!
But since I spend lots of time on the PC...bloggin or emailing or chattin' friends.....I have managed to learn to type much faster....I don't want to be timed!!! I don't test well!
Anyway.....back to the sophmore year.....there is more......as I COULD NOT TYPE....I didn't do the work....I fell Way behind.....there when my GPA down the tubes.....clear to 3.3.......If my friends had not stolen the grade book I would have flunk typing!! Honest!!!

The downside......and there quite a few:

1. I have lost all patience with certain people.....Teenagers....Stupid People and Smelly People....and I am not just talkin' about those that reek of sweat, beer and ciggies but those that still smell of sex!!! You know that smell......So you see the connection to Teenagers!

2. I have started to talk to the animals....Nothing new really...have done it at home for years but I have started to do when I am not alone....the BossMan is here! He looks at me like I am crazy.

3. I have started to sound like a salesman....salewoman....saleperson...fuck it...I don't care...salesman! I have the SaleFleaStuffPitch down Pat!
SEE NO PATIENCE!!

4. The BossMan feels comfortable enough to talk to me about condoms....this is new ground!!! Boob jobs, Tattoo placement, and BulldogSex are one thing but condoms.....That's just different.

5. EVERYONE KNOWS ME.....I can't go into town and not run into at least one client.....I don't mind the women so much.....it's that man that's overly friendly in front of Roy that causes me grief......I just smile and move along.....And it never fails....Roy has a sixth sense about this....his ESPN is finely tuned to HornDawgs....."Who is that?"
"Just another client....I can't even think of his name."
JoeSmith with the Pekingese that has leg problems and he comes in monthly to get meds.....his wife works at the one of the local schools and they have blue FordPickUp and 3 kids....3, 6,and 8.....all girls.

6. I feel comfortable enough with TheBossLady....who is very Churchy.....to tell her that we are not very busy by saying, "We are just standin' around here with our thumbs up our asses."
There was a long pause........She was trying to envison that.
And I was thinking about my next job!!

7. I know the clients by their checks.....MrH has blue ones....MrsBullMoose's are blue too.....Buck has Harley Davidson....and they are different from mine....what does he know??? hhhhmmmmm.........
Do you know that NOBODY ever changes the style of their checks??? NEVER! Not in 11 years!!!
Okay....so there is an upside that EVERYONE KNOWS ME.....They remember me at Christmas time and respect my vacation time and ask about the girls....maybe I should have listed that better and not put Christmas first.....Nevermind!

So what is your's.....How do you know?

Thursday, November 02, 2006

I Will Survive....

I'm a fighter!! I will survive! Even it kills me!!! Hhhhhmmm.....
I really had a horrible time yesterday. I posted yesterday about 9ish....and that was just the start!
I hit my head on a cage....right in the crown of my head....and it really smarts!!
Not as bad as the time I turned at full trot into the Xray machine....with the whole side of my head!!!
I think it's call Blunt Force Trauma....That HURT like a FotherMucker!!!
I could see CSI doing that thing that they do...takin' imprints off my skull to determine what killed me....."We can trace back these two tiny screws to a GE Xray Machine Model number XJ72 made in 1943"
A mere mortal might have been knocked out but I only cussed....In front of the Vet's "Pure as the driven Snow" Daughter......and I don't think she has EVER heard such words judging by the look on her face!!! A sort of cross between "Oh My! That Poor Woman" and that "Was too funny, Do it again!"
But back to yesterday.......
I choked on my own spit...Gum can be deadly if chewing and answering a little girls question....don't try it alone.
You know how sometimes a bit of spit goes down your windpipe.....I was not very good at coverin' up the fact that I was near death by spit.
Seriously??!!
What do you do??!!
Like I can perform the Hind-Reach Manuever on myself....MY CHAIR ROLLS!!!!
And cats....what is it with cats and urinary problems??!!??
Cat Number 1......No problem.....Let's treat conservately...no matter how many times I type it...9....it doesn't look right....you get the jist!
Cat Number 2......Here is a problem.....Let's get urine to test.....Male cat.....do you know that they pee straight out when helped? I didn't!! And it squirted straight at me and all over my arm. LOVERLY!!
Cat Number 3..... Female cat....I wasn't takin' any chances and stood to the side and closed my eyes!
Seriously!!
I didn't know I actually collected the urine!!!
I thought it was on the table!! And The BossMan said, "We got it!" I was shocked!!
The beans and ham....brown beans....pinto....turned out well!
The key to beans is soakin' over night in salt water. Add ham, onions, and some garlic....go easy on the garlic otherwise you defeat the purpose of the beans and ham. I didn't add extra salt as the ham steak is always salty. The best meal for 5 people for under $4!!
And for those of you that wanted some.....you would Shit and Fall back in it if you got a FedEx package from me!! But alas, they are gone.
And MzKaty....Have you ever watched "Apollo 13"? When the shit hits the fans and that wicked shimmy starts while in space....Tom Hanks says, "Houston, We have a problem."....Houston is the command center for NASA....And being the resident SpaceCadet of in the world of Hightower.....it fits me like a glove! Which are red leather, by the way!!
"Lunatic Fringe....we know you are out there. But in these new dark ages, There will see be light."
I hope so!!

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Houston...It's FUBAR'D!!

More of a SNAFU than FUBAR'D.....which is SOP for me!
I feel like someone has beaten me with a 2x4 and left for dead.....nekked....in the mud.....in a ditch.....in the Rain...you get the idea.
My hair hurts!!
Let's blame PMS.
You have seen those HUGE Pumpkins.....those 1000 Pounders.....They're really gourds......They are so big that they grew flat on one side......that is what I feel like!!
I should have called in sick.....but I have things I need to do....take some naproxen.
I decided yesterday that I would take my crockpot to work and cook ham and beans...several reasons.
One: It is turning cold.
Two: The Kittens are into everything and I can't leave the crockpot goin' at home.
Three: I need some beans and ham.....a real NEED!!!
Four: It will make the office smell soooooo much better!
I don't know how PMS works for others but it really makes me funky......dizzy....More airheaded than normal....yeah that's it!
So couple that with hurtful hair and thousand pound nekked gourd in the ditch dyin' feelin'...And the NEED for BEANS......and we have a SNAFU!
It's Halloween and I have EXTREMELY Bad Luck, so I seek out my black cat, George and hug and love all over him so he will unjinx me....it didn't work!
I got all the way to work.....unloaded the car......plugged in the crockpot.....HOLY O'SHIT!!!!
NO HAM!!
Where the hell is the ham????
Back home on the kitchen table....with 6 cats watchin' over it!!!!!!!
Muck Fe!!!!!
Get back in the car.......drive all the way back home....Dark Side of the Moon was playin'......"The Lunatic is in my head"!!
Seems so fittin'!!
Now I didn't drive all the way back home to rescue the ham at a high rate.....I am jinxed.....It's Halloween....That is just a deathwish for me!!
I was calm......the naproxen has started to work.
But the drive back to work was nerve-rackin'!!!!
We will blame Mic and the boys...Sympathy for the Devil..

"As heads is tails
Just call me lucifer
cause I'm in need of some restraint
So if you meet me
Have some courtesy
Have some sympathy, and some taste
Use all your well-learned politesse
Or I'll lay your soul to waste, um yeah"

I was gettin' pretty damn tense...50 miles an hour....come on!!!!! Little old lady in Fords....there ought to be a law!!!
Change the radio station......Gordon Lightfoot.....Sundown......now can there be a more calming song........and yet.......
"I can see her looking fast in her faded jeans
She's a hard loving woman, got me feeling mean
Sometimes I think it's a shame
When I get feeling better
when I'm feeling no pain
Sundown you better take care
If I find you been creeping 'round my back stairs"
Happy Halloween!!
I've got beans and ham cookin'....if you are my way....stop in and have a bowl but It is BYOC!!
Bring Your Own Cornbread!

Saturday, September 23, 2006

The Barbaric Diet and The Topless Deck...

Yes!!!
He is!!!!!
After we came back from our vacation, as Roy was lookin' at our pictures, he thought that we both should go on a diet.
And announced it as,"I am not takin' the FAT Girl to the topless deck of our next cruise!"
What??
Who IS he talkin' about???
I felt my pedestal tremble a bit!!!
And so began the Barbaric Diet....The lifestyle change that does not include:
The Outback....Now, That is just mean!!!!
Red Lobster......Only becuz He can't eat seafood in any other form than fried!!
Pizza of any kind.....except those puke on cardboard called Weight Watchers frozen Pizzas
Cheese....I have a hard time with one.....melted cheese......yummy!!!!
Cookies, Cakes and Doughnuts.....I don't really have a problem with these as it is...but he does!
Chips and dip.....This IS where I have my problem!!!! I can attribute my thighs to Tostitoes and sour cream....no real dip, just sour cream!
What is on the diet??
Lean Cuisines and Weight Watcher frozen meals.
I came home one day....really draggin' my ass.....and he was standin' on the back porch.
"I am starving to death!!" And suck in my cheeks. I need a steak!!! I have been dying to try that recipe of MzWarm's for Grilled Pork!!
"Well, then you will be quick about gettin' that frozen meal ready, won't you!!" Barbaric Jerk!
Subway sandwiches.
Roast beast on Wheat....No Cheese!! All the veggies I want and spicy mustard....under 350 Calories!
Years ago I would not eat one of their sandwiches...the concept of meat on bread and pay $3 for it is just outrageous to me...I can have a burger for that same money!!
Last week I BEGGED for a Subway Sandwich!!!!!
It is the only thing I am allowed that fills me up....it is like cheatin'!!
We weighed in....and I will not tell at what....let's just say I have lot to lose!!!
He writes the weights on the bathroom mirror so we can keep track and only weigh in once a week.....nekked....we all know clothes and shoes weigh sooooo frickin' much....really!!!
At the Doctor's office, I take as much off as possible and it still says some ungodly amount that makes me squeal with outrage that these can't possible be correct!! The nurse just bites her lip and keeps her giggle to herself!!
"You just bring that Cat of your's in and we'll see who's laughin' then!" She knows where I work....and she does have a fat cat!!!!
So at this mornin' weigh-in, I was quite please with myself!!
I have managed to lose 13 pounds in 3 weeks due Vlad the Barbarian's plan....at least he isn't barkin' at me to do......dare I say it....this is a rated R site....so I think I can.....EXERSIZE!!
Now I feel so vile for having thought about it!
"You must really be workin' at this....you are stayin' steady with my weight loss." That Man can lose 10 pounds in 1 week....Me, 2 freakin' pounds!
"Yes, I have a goal. I will be on that topless deck with the hotties! Are you comin'??"
"Count on it!!"

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Shoppin' With Roy....

I read in Shop Etc that women spend 101.7 minutes in one month shopping for clothes.
And Men shop 58.9.
Not a shock to me.
We, women, look for the bargain. We go from store to store for the best price. We try EVERYTHING on. Some things look great on the hanger but after you get it on…..NOPE! Why waste time buying it and it not work out???
Men…..socks, underwear, Harley shirts and Levi’s….what else is there???
Okay, some men are not that simple….And then there is Roy Hightower.
The last time I prepared him for a cruise, it got ugly!
I knew better than to suit him up in a tux so I opted for a nice pair of dress pants and a shirt….NO TIE!
We agreed, NO TIE!
When He and I shop, there isn’t anybody else in the Mall. There may be hundreds of people but we don’t see them.
WE are in our own little world.
We don’t ask for help unless it is to referee an argument.
And Lord, Help the One that is brave enough to ask, “Can I help you?”
We both look at this poor person like, “take one more step and your death in certain”…..I politely say no and Roy announces that we are beyond help and that it is best if we are given a wide berth.
After 3 stores and 6 KnockDown DragOuts later, we came up with a two pair of khaki pants , one pair black!
Once when we went shopping for boots, it was 2 states , 6 towns, and 8 stores before we came up with the right pair.
The man drives me nuts in more ways than one!!!
This last time, I went with Mrs BullMoose and we suited his ass without him and he will be as stunning as I am…..whether he likes it or not!
Less than 2 weeks left…..I am so stoked!!!!

Sunday, August 13, 2006

The Oldest Car I Drove....

Mz Magick said she drove an Old Buick that she had to "Lumberjack" the steering wheel.....well Let me tell you about The Beast.
It was a 1959 Oldsmobile Dynamic 88. It had a mind of its own. I had to grip the steering wheel with both hands or I would be thrown all over the road. It wasn't one of those cars that you could be cool and drive with One hand!! So we called it the Beast. I had a tire blow out as I was driving in the lefthand lane on a four lane road and that damn thing pulled itself over to the shoulder.......clear over on the right side of the road....I didn't!!
Scared me to death!!
It had been in a fender bender with a semi and needed some body work. Earl Lee, My ex-hubby thought he was going to fix it up and have a car to travel to car shows and, well, he had big dreams.
The headliner was in good shape and the seats had already been redone so all that was left was some engine work and the body. He took over the engine and I took over the body of the Beast! I did a pretty good job on the smooth parts but that one spot where it had rolled into someone's house and dented its front quarter panel, I never got that straighted out.
I drove the hell outta that car! Rhinestone CatEye sunglasses and all!!
It was like a tank. A tree in our driveway fell on it and I just got in and drove it out.....no damage!!
I was sideswiped by some old man in a pickup. No damage!! He had the nerve to say I was in his blind spot!!!
That had to be a hella of big blindspot!!!!
This is the car that you sneak all your friends into the Drive-in Movies with!!!
This is the car that babies are made... in the front seat....without the steering wheel getting in the way........come to think of it......I never did it in the Beast...huh??
Becuz Earl Lee was in charge of the engine, it had it's secret to starting.
It just took a screw driver.
Placed between the starter and the cylinoid (sp).....It's one of those "use it or lose it" things....stop driving junk, lose all the terminology....anyways......then after the screw driver is in place you just connect the two and the Beast started...simple!
Until the day Earl Lee caused an arc that connected with his wedding band...."burnt" or melted the ring to his finger...when he pulled that frickin' hot thing off, it pulled the skin with it....so gross!!! But he fixed it and I never had to use the screw driver any more!!!
It had fins but not like a Cadillac......they were more pointed out towards the back not up like a Cadillac.
And they hurt! One night Earl Lee and my brother were out and the Beast lost a hub cap. Bub got out to go get it and Earl Lee thought he would just back up to pickup Bub, when he hit Bub with the car!
3 sutures!!!
He can say he was finned by a '59 Olds!!
All that fun for only $150....not counting the repairs or trips to the emergency room!!
I wish I could find a pix of it....but I am not sure where to start looking. That was way back in 1988 and Earl Lee is gone and Roy's thing are in place.......You will just have to google it!

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

If The Shoe Fits.....

And I Wear It So Stylishly!
Do most women pack for their men?
As I think about this ......all the women that I know, do.
I think it is for the best.
Otherwise, I would end up with 15 Black Harley TShirts and 2 pair of Levi's in my suitcase that he packed and one pair of boots.
Which brings me to the big question which was raised to me, "how many pairs of shoes are you taking?"
I took a quick count in my head and said 6.
He looked at me like wasn't plugged in right!
The Nerve!!!
"All you need is one pair!"
And I looked at him like he was a stranger. "Can I see your ID? Becuz you are not the person I married.....one pair of shoes???? Have you lost your mind!?"
When it is all said and done I will have 5.......do you think I need an extra pair for clubbing???
Yep you are right.....I throw those in too!
And after packin' him, he has 3 pair!!
What is he thinking???
and what about airport security???
Can I take my purse?
My camera?? My Cellphone??
I have read that I can take a lip balm.......Thank you AirPort Gods!!! Geez, a girl needs at least chapstick!!!
"What is the deal with you and chapstick?"
Some days I just want to shake the pee waddlin' out of him!
"A lady's lips need be to soft and kissable. And you just never know when you might need to use them for other purposes." And smile ever so sweetly and bat my eyelashes at him.
"You wouldn't want to have rough lips now, would you??"
"Oh by all means, use the chapstick!"
And then he says, "And I don't want you to have a fit if something goes wrong."
What???
I almost cried once when I thought my trip to see the Mouse was in jeopardy....he told me to just leave my ID at home and then I needed it to board the frickin' plane!!!! That was his fault. That was pre-9 11 and they let me get by on a insurance card.
I had to think about that for a bit......I don't think I have ever had a fit in public or in his presence!
I have set off numerous alarms.....Airport security in Tulsa on my way to see the Mouse.....Walmart almost every other time I buy a CD or DVD....the metal detector at Six Flags over Texas........I still to this day have no clue as to why I did that......But I didn't have a tizzy over it.
Hey Frisk Me!!! Must be written on my head that only bar code readers can see!!!
So I ask, "Just exactly when was it that I had this fit or numerous fits that you scold me about every time we go do something together??"
Seriously every time we go some where, before we get out of the car he says, "Do not have a fit. And do not embarrass me."
I can think of numerous times I have embarrassed him but have a fit.....NO!!!
"Well there was the time you yelled at the very nice man from the DA's office while he sat in our kitchen. He was just doing his job. And you apparently yelled profanities at the young ladies at the Tag Office."
Oh yeah...............I did do that.
He shouldn't be able to count the Tag Office incident, he was not there. They were shitty to me!! And I didn't yell at them......I said it as I walked out the door.......what bunch of Buckin' Fitches!!
And he continued, "I could come up with more if you want but I'll have to think about it for awhile but those two come mind, instantly."
He is out mowing......thinking of more incidents. I can not help it if I am a spitfire!!

Friday, July 07, 2006

Horses and Heat....

One of the new guys on the loggin’ crew called Roy a horse.
And he is!
He will work himself into the ground at whatever he does. I have never seen a man more driven to succeed at his given task. NO matter what it is….digging a hole or limbin' trees.
Being 56, he makes it his goal to work circles around the younger men on the crew….and he does.
I worry about him in this heat. He comes home just worked to a frazzle. He does his chores around the house, showers, eats and then off to bed.
All done by 8:00.…That alarm goes off at 4:45.
He is a WorkHorse.

The last two weekends when we have gone shopping for things for the cruise. He wanted a good pair of binoculars. I wanted a new swimsuit and another roll around suitcase.
He is not fun to shop with and it takes two weekends to get it thru to him just what I want…..I will have to tell you some day about that!
Anyway, he wanted to play pool the first weekend and I came up lame in the last stretch of shopping....Too much Ted Nugent and Steve Madden Heels…..I must have strained a muscle in my ankle.
“It’s no biggie I can stand and play pool.”
“Nope! Let’s go home.”

So this last weekend we went to play pool first. 5 games and I won the first one….it takes a bit for him to get his groove on and then it’s “run the table and whip her ass!”
Then to the mall, 3 stores and 1 tizzy over which suitcase to buy, I began to feel a bit icky.
Really Icky!

I passed out on him once and when I tell him, “pitch the tent!”
I am done!
Stick a fork in me I am done!!
He knows he needs to do something quick!
He said, “Hey, what’s the deal?! I can out shop you?? I am a horse!”

“Well, I am a ShowPony. Not a WorkHorse. Not a RaceHorse. I am to be kept in an air conditioned stable and hand fed. Some one is to wash me and comb my hair. I am to be brought out for show purposes only. I am not good with excessive heat and lack of water. And if you do not get me something to drink ASAP I will hit the floor like a 5 pound sack of potatoes!”

One bottle of Sprite later we are looking at Harleys in The Harley Cathedral.
I just need something to drink.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

DealBreaker...


I wrote this in 2006...  Enjoy!




There's a bright golden haze on the meadow,
The corn is as high as an elephant's eye,
An' it looks like its climbin' clear up to the sky.
OOOOoooh what a beautiful morning,
OOOOOoooooh what a beautiful day,
I've got a wonderful feeling,
Everything's going my way.
We went to Discoveryland over the weekend. It's an Oklahoma treasure nestled in the Osage Hills, an outdoor amphitheater that puts on a wonderful production of Rodgers and Hammerstein’s Oklahoma!

Drawbacks: It’s hot!
 Freakin' hot!!!!
The seats are too close together!
And you touch the sweaty person next to you... so gross!!!!
And it is hard to find!!
FYI Discoveryland managers: SIGNAGE!!

HUGE SIGNAGE!!!!

And an easy access map would be nice!
But please kids, don’t let that stop you from going... the Hilton in Tulsa has a package and provides transportation.

Being an Okie, you would think I have would have seen this long before now… they have been doing this for 31 years. I thought I was going to have a hard time with it becuz I'm so emotional... I get all choked up when I hear that song as it is…
OOOOOooooooklahoma,
where the wind comes sweepin' down the plain
And the wavin' wheat can sure smell sweet
When the wind comes right behind the rain.

But I held my own until the end when the horses went runnin’ by, one with the American flag and the other with the Oklahoma flag… That was all it took!
The tears start to roll with Pride!
A must do if you pass thru Tulsa!!



Always leave them laughin’…

Roy and I took a dip in the pool… well we floated.
I don’t swim… not one lick.
I have almost drown twice… so… we float.
Roy decided to get out and look around to see what the neighbors can see and I decided to empty out the water on my floaty… I was trying so hard not to get my hair wet.
I went to the ladder and emptied the water out and positioned it just so and got on. I lost my balance and under I went!!
I came up coughin’ and sputterin’!!
When I looked around to see where my “rescuer” was, Roy was leanin’ on the fence with his hand on hip, shakin’ his head, ”So much for NOT getting your hair wet!”
And that when I decided I have had enough pooltime!
I went to the ladder and slipped off the floaty and lost my footin’!
I kicked that damn ladder with my right foot and in the commotion I kicked it again with my left foot and went under again!!!
My “rescuer” was just standin’ there shakin’ his head.
“If we had been dating, THAT would be the deal-breaker!”

Kiss my ass, Roy!

OOOOooooooh
what a beautiful morning,
OOOOOooooooh what a beautiful day,
I've got a wonderful feeling,
Everything's going my way.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

I'm A Cooler!!

Gloom despair and agony on me
Deep dark depression
Excessive misery
If it weren't for bad luck
I'd have no luck at all
Gloom despair and agony on me..........From Hee Haw....Do you remember that song?
I have bad luck......Born under a bad sign......I have a bad aura.....The PooPoo Bird sits on my shoulder....That is bad Juju, Bwhana!!!
There is this movie where this guy is a cooler and is hired by a casino to go stand by the person that is having a lucky streak to "cool" it down. William H Macy is the Cooler.
I am a cooler.
Seriously!! I am jinx'd!
I was a cheerleader in the 7th and 8th grade and my team never won. When I quit they started winning...True!! Football, basketball it didn't matter.....they lost!
If I say the word F-L-A-T, I will have one on the car on the way home.
I joked about some snotty girl in high school gettin' knocked up.....and it happened to me! My senior year!
I can wait all week long to get gas in hopes that the price will go down. Runnin' on fumes, I give up and get gas. They change the price the very next day!!!
I can lay in a clover patch and spend hours lookin' for that four leaf clover and never find one.
Roy on the other hand is one lucky Bon of a Sitch!!!
He has survived being electrocuted.
He has walked away from SEVERAL, car crashes that should have killed him.
Trees have fallen on him and he laughed about it.
Roy can be hittin' it big in the casino and then I walk up and stand beside him.....the run is over!! He cashes out and we go home!!! I am a cooler.
But him, HE IS LUCKY!!!!
He came in one day and tapped me on the shoulder. I looked up at him and he had a four leaf clover in his teeth!!
"Do you wanna get lucky?"
He can find them with out even lookin' for them...... One day he found 5!!!
He had to pee after a road trip.....he jumped out of the truck and whipped out Elvis and as he looked down to see what he was peein' on.....there was a four-leaf clover!!! Just like that!!!
He was born on Friday the 13th!! and he has all the luck!!!
I have carried a four leaf clover in my purse since the day I met him to counteract my bad luck. He gave me a rabbit's foot for my key chain. The clovers seem to work better.
So Far So Good.....No F-L-A-T-S!!! I'm not pregnant!! But the Cowboys still stink....my clovers only goes so far!

Monday, June 12, 2006

There Ought To Be a Law!!!

I think there should be a law about people not fartin' in the pool!!!
Roy is the world's most gassiest....is that a word........person that I have ever met!!!!
He farts in the bath water and then asks if I want the water!!??
Gross!!! NO!!!
You know there has to be a little fecal matter that comes out!
And I want to bathe in that!!??
I think not!!!
So last night he got in the pool and I don't know, maybe the coolness of the water hittin' his balls set him off, but good Lord, he started fartin'!!
And HE is PROUD of this!!!!!
Then he goes around checkin' it for leaks. It is a blow up pool from Walmart.....he has this theory that if he pushes the rim down and splashes water on it he will find the leak.
THERE IS NO LEAK!!!! ONLY IN HIS ASS!!!!!
I heard the bubbles breakin' the surface and so I made a comment that he did indeed find a leak, only for him to say...."Call the fire department......I think it's methane!!"

If I Were QUEEN Of the World.......There Would be NO FARTIN' IN THE POOL!!!!!!!
I'm gonna consult with my pool lady on that one!

Monday, June 05, 2006

Born To Be Wild!!!

Get your motor runnin'
Head out on the highway
Lookin' for adventure
And whatever comes our way
Yeah Darlin' go make it happen
Take the world in a love embrace
Fire all of your guns at once
And explode into space ....

Can you hear the rumble?
I can hear it.
It is the Call of The Wild!
It is a low rumble from about 2 miles away.
It is a group of motorcycles comin'.......Most likely Harleys.
There are some NON-American bikes that have a rumble but I sometimes don't hear them until they are past the window......Harleys and other American bikes are the ones that have that rumble.
I will always stop what I am doin' and look up to see the bike go by when I hear those loud pipes. And when there is a large group of them, It is awesome.....almost like an aphordisiac......loud pipes.....diesel.....and Big block V8!!

I like smoke and lightning
Heavy metal thunder
Racin' with the wind
And the feelin' that I'm under
Yeah Darlin' go make it happen
Take the world in a love embrace
Fire all of your guns at once
And explode into space......
Have you ever seen those motorcycles that have the V8 motors....car engines??
They are awesome!!
One of Roy's friends has one.... The Boss Hoss!
Lil Stevie started it up and it sat there idlin', purrin' so sweetly. Then he cranked the throttle....OH MY....the torque was wicked powerful and the sound just so tantilizin'.....My brain was screamin', "Do me now!!!"
I just stood there with Roy and smiled.
Any good BikerChick knows the sound of her old man's bike.....I can hear Roy comin' for 2 miles. One time I needed something from home and I knew Roy was there. He had just had his cast taken off his ankle the day before. I picked up the phone to call him when I heard it......the Indian.......it was comin'.....I knew it was Roy....No doubt in my mind.....those stainless steel Sampson Shorties are unique......and there he went by the window!!! I still had the phone in my hand as He did his high speed pass.....the Buzz the Tower Move......and turned around where all the cops hang out and came back to me.
He had his 'possum eatin' shit grin on as I laid into him!! He wanted to prove to himself and the WORLD he could still ride after breakin' his ankle....he wanted to do it just as soon as possible.

The Bikers are comin'.......I love that sound!

They are gatherin' for a Poker Run at the Casino. That is where the biker rides to designated stops and chooses a card and tries to make the best poker hand to win prizes. The prize this year is a V-Rod....a slick Harley. There will be a bike show and some stunt riders.
And later the Big and Rich Concert. Woo Hoo!!

Like a true nature's child
We were born,
born to be wild
We can climb so high
I never wanna die
Born to be wild
Born to be wild

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Phone Calls and HeadAches

Some of my favorites:

"Hello, Critters and Hooters Clinic, This is Nadine."
"Do you fix dogs?"
Holding back my SmartAss and being professional, "Yes we are a full service Veterinary Hospital."
I mean seriously, I wanted to say, "Is your dog broke?"
And come on!!! The phone number is listed up Veterinary Hospital!!!
"So you fix dogs?"
"Yes, we spay and neuter dogs." I have to know my audience.
"How much?"
"It goes by weight. What does your dog weigh?"
"It is a medium size dog."
"How much does it weigh?"
"It is a cocker spaniel."
"How much do you think it weighs?"
"It is about 5 months old."
You know my patience is wearing thin by this point....deep breath...."How much do you think the dog weighs?"
"About 30 pounds."
"That is $88. Is your dog in heat?"
"No, he is a male."
Now when they told me all that other stuff about it's breed and age they failed to mention that it was male!!!!
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"Hello, Critters and Hooters Clinic, This is Nadine."
"Yes, Hi Charlotte, I was wondering....blah blah blah....."
They lost me at Charlotte!!
And that happens to me a lot!!! So much so I am thinkin' about changin it! Yes, I have a high pitched voice and I can speak clearly....years of working the DriveThru at Braum's helped greatly!
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"Hello, Critters and Hooters Clinic, This is Nadine."
"Do you sell shots? My dog has pro-vo.....blah blah blah...."
It's Parvo! Not Pro-Vo or Pray-Vo!!
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"Hello, Critters and Hooters Clinic, This is Nadine."
"Yes, Charlotte, I need to set up an appointment for my dog to have a Dis-Temperament Shot. He has a bad attitude and I am hoping it will change it."
And in best professional Non-Laughing voice, "The Distemper shot is not for his behavior. That is something you should consult with DrBossMan about for tips on curbing his bad habits."
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"Hello, Critters and Hooters Clinic, This is Nadine."
"I think my dog has worms. He is scooting on his butt and he needs a wormer."
Let's think about this....Is he wanting to get rid of the worms or give him more?
Most people ask for a wormer.....it should be dewormer.
And let's talk about scootin'. Why do people think that is only reason that a dog scoots? 99% of my phones are from people that have problems with their critters bowels movements or content or color.
The last man was very upset that his dog was pooping yellow turds.
Yea, I know try to keep a straight face and talk about dog poop!!
These people are dead serious!!
Most of the time...mostly women apologize about it up front....that the subject is brought up. I ease their minds, "It's okay. I am used to it. We deal with poop."
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And My All Time Favorite Call:

"Hello, Critters and Hooters Clinic, This is Nadine."
"Hi this is Mrs. BlueHair. I am out in the parking lot. Could you come out and get Fluffy for me." She was calling with her cell phone.
"Sure, No problem."
I hang up the phone and walk thru the office and out to the parking lot....EMPTY!!!
I don't know where Mrs BlueHair is or how she got my number.

"Hello, Critters and Hooters Clinic, This is Nadine."
"This is Mrs BlueHair! Where are you, Charlotte? I'm waiting!!"
If it wasn't so funny, I would be pissed!!

"I am at Critters and Hooters. Where are you?"
"Sitting out in the parking lot right out front!"
"No, Mrs BlueHair, my parking lot is empty. Are you sure you have the right number for the office that you are sitting in front of?"
"No. Are you in a white building?"
"No. My office is brown."

I really miss that click buzz noise that you get with land line phones when people hang up.....
"Paws and Claws Hospital, This is Mitsy."
"Mitsy, this is Nadine with Critters and Hooters. There is an irate woman in your parking lot wanting someone to go out and get her dog. Just thought I should warn you!"

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Can We Talk??

Driving to work one day, the guys on the radio were talking about Oral Sex. They said that "Eatin Ain't Cheatin'!"
HHHMMMM.............Something to think about!
We had a President that based his relationship with an Intern on the premise that Oral Sex wasn't really sex at all. "I did not have sexual relations with that woman!"
Isn't that the quote?
I believe he even waved his finger while saying it. Meaning, if he didn't have intercourse, he didn't really have sex!
Does this not open the door to all sorts of "quickies"?? Getting a quick bite to eat takes on a whole new meaning. HHHmmmmm.......
I could pull off a quicky to get my power steering fluid put in and not feel the least bit guilty.
And then I told Roy......He is such a wet blanket!
"So.........Eatin' ain't cheatin'. What do you think?" I said with a huge grin on my face.
Looking at me blankly, "What?"
"You know Oral Sex isn't really sex so......Eatin' ain't cheatin!"
In his best cop stance looking down on me he said, "Let me line this out for you so there is no doubt in your mind as to what constitutes sex. All sex is sex. If you have to take any part of your clothing off it is sex! Any kissing is sex! Any dancing with anyone except me is sex!"
"So dancing with you is not sex?" A disaster, yes!
"Don't mess with me! Any flirting can be construed as sex!"
OMG!! I have sex with soooooooo many people becuz of that clause!!!
"You have got to be kiddin' me! Flirting!!??"
"Don't mess with me on this one, either. How did you get me?"
"Good point."
"And, finally, any sitting in a cop car is considered sex!"
WHAT!??
He may have fallen into his own trap...... "So how many women have you had in your car, Buster?"
"None! I didn't work that way! Handcuffed drunk women in the back seat that I was escorting to jail is totally different. Have you ever been in a cop car?"
I thought long and hard, he did leave a loophole........"Nope!"
"Are we clear?"
"Crystal!" Damn it!!
So that closed the door.
And here I thought I was on to something......Oh well, back to the pocket rocket!

Friday, April 21, 2006

Maybe It's Just Me.....

Yesterday, I walked out to get the mail at work. The wind caught a postcard and it blew about 12 feet away. I walked over to where it was and reached down to pick it up and ….. Holy O’Shit and Muck Fe!!!
There was snake poised to strike!!! My first thought was to stomp on it and then I thought better of that!
The air temp was 59 so I think it was too cold for it to think fast….I know it was pretty Cuckin’ Fold for me!!
So I called Roy, he was at home becuz of all the rain….”Honey, what does a Copperhead look like?”
And starts telling me stuff that didn’t look anything like what I saw…”Let me tell you what just tried to get me!”
“Yep, that is a Copperhead!” He said. He thought it best to leave it alone and not attempt to kill it and take it home for him to look at it.
I could have taken it pix and take it home but he said “Do Not Go Back Out There and Mess With It, Period!”
“Sir Yes Sir!”


The only good snake is one that makes a pair shoes and matching purse!!

Monday, April 10, 2006

Yard Work is Best Left to the Experts!!

Growing up, I was a tomboy. I would scrap with the neighbor boy, I gave him a kung fu kick to the mouth. Oh, I loved him!!!
I played tackle football with boys. It was more like Keepaway but I tackled 'em! I had their respect to some degree. I knocked the wind out of one them and he was going to kick my ass! Three others step between us, "Hey man, she does that to all of us, just let it go!" Those sissy girly girls would just stand there giggling and let those boys have the ball............but that is not the point today.
I am no longer a tomboy. I do not to manly things.
I am not sure of when it happened but it did.
I think it was when I said, "I Do." to Roy Hightower.
I do not mow the yard with the riding lawn mower.
I run over things that screw up the blades. It is not my fault that our yard has rocks poking up. You would think it was a Harley or something.......GEEZ!!!
I do not use the push mower, either.
It is too complicated............trust me!!
I mean really, Remember the days where the mower had two speeds, fast as a bunny or slow like the turtle??? With NO SAFETY FEATURES!!?
This new one is self propelled and your hands have to be on the handle for it to run. So if you have to stop and move something, you have to restart it again! That means I have to yank that pull thingy.
And you have to have your hands just right or you look like the flying nun behind the mower. There is not Bunny or Turtle. It is all in how you grip it.
Roy said, "Here, try this."
So the first words out of my mouth are, "DO NOT HURT ME!"
Only to have him running across the yard yelling at me, "Let it go! Let it go!"
GEEZ!! I did EXACTLY what he said to do!!! "Hold it down to go..........."
I do not use the weed eater.
I have picked up rocks and cut my legs. Watching me bleed, Roy banded me from using it ever again.
I do not run the tiller.
I have never even tried. Roy has NEVER said, "Here, Try this." with the tiller. Why take any chances?
But Sunday he was pissin' n' moanin' about ALL he has to do in the yard.
He has to spray weed killer on the weeds.
Spread the poison to kill the ticks.
He has to weed eat.
He has to plant some veggies in the garden.
So I took pity on him and gathered up my gloves to help him. I was going out to pull weeds in the front flower bed. They are so easy to pull after a rain. I could do that without a whole lot of effort on my part.
Our front flower bed is along a rock wall that Roy built to level up the yard. So I was walking along the bed when I heard something moving in the grass. I looked down and saw this snake! He went slithering alone the rocks. I am sure he was freakin' too. Human!! HUUUMAN!!!!
I was squealing like a girl frozen to the spot. Snake! SNAAAKE!!
Then it hit me!
What if there were more down in here with me?!!?
I managed to jump from where I stood to about 12 feet into the yard. I did it in like 3 steps....... and up 2 foot over the rock wall. Still squealing like a girl!
My chilly bumps had chilly bumps!!
I stop the squealing only briefly, thinking, "Where is Roy!??".
Just about that time, he came running around the corner of the house......I started squealing again!!
I do not weed out the flower beds..............any longer.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Oak Trees and Rabbit Brains

We have this ongoing debate.......okay, so it is one of many ongoing debates...........This one is about when to plant Broccoli, Cabbage, Cauliflower.......when the girls were little, we called it "Rabbit Brains".....which makes me think of the time a deer run out in front of the pick up in a rainstorm.......so we fed the girls RoadKill and Rabbit Brains.......I know.....Redneck....and just goes to show you why they are warped........anyway........and other cold weather plants.
And they are not really cold weather plants....they just do so much better in the cooler temps than the sweltering heat of summer......Okay to the point......
I think that these types plants should planted when the Oak trees have buds the size of squirrel ears. I got that piece of information from an old man at the feed store..........old men at feed store know their garden shit!
Not peach trees.......those are the dumbest trees I have seen! They are prone to bloom the first of March and for Pete's sake.....it always freezes one last time and the blooms always die and I never get peaches......so dumb!!!
The Oak Tree knows it shit!
It tells me I can plant Mid March!
Roy seems to think we should wait until all threat of frost is gone. He says what I think are buds are really leaves and squirrel ears are bigger than I think.............and the fight is on!
Becuz I know the difference between buds and leaves!!
This year I let Roy Hightower have his way........we planted the cold plants when all threat of frost is gone and the 4 inch soil temp is 65. That would be April 1st or so.
Friday night, he asked me when was the cauliflower ready to pick.
"When it is so big and is white...why?" and I showed him a gesture with my hands about the size of a dinner plate.
"Well it is purple and only this big." and makes a gesture with his hands that is about the size of a tennis ball.
I bit the inside of my mouth. "Let's give it a day or two and then we will pick it."
He didn't look at me and said, "I think we should have planted it sooner than we did."
DUH!!!
YES!!!YES!!! YES!!!!
And another funny little tale........ garden related.......
He told me get the plants from a certain nursery instead of WalMart, becuz one year we didn't get the pepper plants I wanted......I had some odd banana plant and I wanted jalapenos.
People move labels around and things are mis-marked......So I went and bought Broccoli.....lots of it!!
But what is growing out there is Brussels Sprouts!!! Totally NOT MY FAULT!!
I ask the woman and that is what she gave me. It is hard to tell when they all look alike as seedling!!!!
Brussels Sprouts anyone?? To go with my purple rabbit brains!!!

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Gardening With Roy....

For the first time in 5 years, Roy wants to have big garden. WE haven't really been in the big garden mood since the girls left home. Just some peppers, tomatoes and okra.
But this year.........we are going all out!!
I bought seeds and plants. He prep the ground, bought mushroom compost, and worked it in.
Let me give you a bit of history and science...........Mushroom compost is really a chicken crap mixture......and it smells really bad...... and it steams......that the local mushroom farm discards.
Well, sell is a better word. It used to be $12 a truckload. And now it is $20 a truckload. And it doesn't matter if you have a normal size pickup or a little Toyota, you get two dumps from the Bobcat....Roy felt he was getting cheated, so he built some "special" sideboards.
Imagine a wheat truck the size of a Toyota 4x4.....make it red or it just isn't right......with a dent in the door from where Roy tried to tear the door off.......Funny story.....for another time.....So off he goes to get MushroomShit in his "WheatTruck". He gets in the long line of folks wanting to buy MushroomShit and after a while it is his turn to get his load. He motions for the Bobcat driver to dump on another scoop....that would be 3!! And the little Toyota squats something fierce.......the front tires are really just sorta floating......and he drives by my office with a big opossum eatin' shit grin, waves, and off he goes to put his MushroomShit in the garden.
Men are so easily amused.
That MushroomShit is the best stuff for growing veggies. People think I am nuts but we had 8 foot tall Okra plants!
And 6 hills of Watermelon produced 50 melons!!! I had them all over the house!! My Granny and I made watermelon jellie......but it didn't work out so well........it is more like watermelon syrup.........real good to flavor Vodka!
Roy has wanted one of those Mantis tiller for like ever.....like the TroyBilt wasn't good enough......and when it crapped out, the Sears Craftsman..........."Oh but it is too big to get around the tomatoe cages"
So I waved my magic wand and called in a favor.
In the past, I have given my veggies to the local tribe to help feed the Senior Citizens. One would think that all that money the casinos are pulling in that the tribe wouldn't have money problems but I really don't want to get on my soap box about that right now. I called the Chief's wife.......she is like the Hillary Clinton of the Tribes......she is like a mother to me.......she feeds my critters when I am gone........and I do the same for them when they go to the horse races......I know she has one of those tillers. They haven't had a garden in years.......I have been supplying them with tomatoes and peppers.......so I asked if we could borrow it to see if Roy really wanted to invest in another......boy toy......I mean, manly garden machine. The Chief said to keep it!!
With his opossum eatin' shit grin Roy said, "Really?? " ...doing the happy dance.
Now with all the Rain, planting has stopped. And that means the weeds are thumbin' their noses at Roy and he can't do anything about it until it drys out.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Movies and TV.....

Roy and I LOVE movies. We are big TV people too. So much so the we plan our lives around certain shows like Survivor. If you miss one of those you are totally lost.
We tried to get into LOST but when they stopped the series to rerun it........that just loses us. That is the whole idea of a series, is it not?? To show the series in order???
That is why we stick to HBO.
We love The Sopranos and Deadwood. They show them in order, right down the line. No skipping back and forth.....that just Drives me nuts!!!
We haven't been to the movies since the last Harry Potter movie. I am Potter freak. And Roy's a good sport so he goes along. I even drug him to see Finding Nemo. I figure it is a good trade. I have seen every war movie that has ever been made in the last 12 years.....but one.
But lately there has not been a movie that has been worth the debate and price of a ticket.
King Kong: Good movie but how many times does it have to be done?? And I sure that the last one is the best but can they not think up something original.
All the remakes of 70's sitcoms and beloved TV shows is just embarrassing.
There was no way I could talk him into going to see the Longest Yard......"I saw the first one.", is the most common answer that I get. I dont' force the issue. I have a real big problem with glorifing criminials anyway.
Jarhead: "That is not my Marine Corps!" and personally, I didn't want to be sitting in a dark theater with only man in the room yelling "Bullshit!" at the screen.
Been there.
Done that.
Any cop movie!! "Oh that will is just Bullshit! He has violated the Policy and Procedure Manual at least 15 times and he would be fired!"
The only movie that comes close to "His Marine Corps" is Full Metal Jacket boot camp scenes. And they are "candy coated!"
The last one we watch from the Satellite was Stateside....brief boot camp scenes......"Oh, he would be spending time in the brig for that! You can't hit a superior officer and walk away from it! There is Hell to pay!"
And if by chance, they hit the mark......I didn't want to be sitting in a dark theater with the only man calling cadence!!
"One! Two! Three! Four! I love the Marine Corps!" In his best R Lee Emery voice.
It sounds really cool once he gets going.......when we were in a large party trekking thru the rainforest in Belize....sure! But not in the theater!
We have a good size DVD collection. That avoids the outbursts!!
He just loves O Brother where art thou. He didn't watch it with me the first time but heard me laughing so much that he had to watch it. He almost has it memorized he has watched it so much.
Tombstone: He has it memorized word for word..... "You tell 'em I comin' and Hell's comin' with me!"
Young Guns 2: He has 2 copies so when the other one wears out............is the possible??
Snatch: That is just the funniest movie!! He is not real hip to English movies but that one he loves!
My viewing pleasure of course includes Brad Pitt.
Interview of the Vampire.....you get Brad and Antonio with all that hair........double hot!! Tom Cruise just doesn't do it for me. Top Gun is okay but Goose doesn't have to die.....maim him, but his death is needless!!
Troy....... just to see his nekked ass and hair!
Legends of the Fall ........... the long hair.....that is pure porn for me!
The Last of the Mochians.....Hair and that line...."Stay alive...... I will find you!" just before he jumps thru the waterfall........melts my butter every time!!
So I guess I will have to wait to see the Johnny Cash movie on DVD.......we saw him in concert on our honeymoon......it was not good.
And Brokeback Mountain..........for obvious reasons too numerous to get into. "You are not buying your own copy, are you?"
Hey, to each his own!!

Weekend Highlights and Date Night!!

I highly recommend that couples participate in Date Night..... No Kids!!
Just the two...very important!! Put a cowboy hat on Roy and he looks like Kenny Rogers!!
Dinner at a new place. Becuz it is new, it is popular!!
Table for Turner, party of two....I never give them my real name. First, the little hostess can't spell it AND you wouldn't believe how hard it is to pronounce HighTower after it has been spelled wrong......could it be the accent??
Haaatowr!! HiiiiTowr!!
I don't see the problem.
So for the night I am Mrs Turner. We have tried other names, Harley Weewax and Mrs Tom Fullery but the same problem with spelling!
50 minute wait!! So I grabbed Roy by his sleeve and drag him off to the Bar. One couple was leaving and the man leaned over to Roy and told that he could have his table as it was first come first serve.....Well, You don't have to us twice!! 20 Minutes!! Roy said, "What do we do when they call our name?"
"We won't worry about it!"
In an effort to Pay the Favor Forward, Roy tells the couple that took our seats of this information about the first come first serve......some people you have to tell twice and they missed the table. They were not as quick as Roy and I when it comes to jumping on a good deal!
Then our name was called!! Roy leans over and says, "They just called us. Go, grab our table. Be the Turners!"
And off they went!!
Is That cheating?? Or just working the system to our advantage??
After a Texas Tea, a Margarita, and a glass of water.............I have to go fish! I told him quite plainly, "I will be back!"
But upon my return my date turned into a tall good looking black man....hhhmmmm....maybe another day. Over in the crowd, Roy was in the middle of the foyer with my pink purse looking like some one who just came down off of Backdoor Mountain, telling people, "If you call me a sissy, I will hit you with my purse!"
Saturday: Work in the am and tackled and finished the sudoku puzzle!! Oh ,I did some work for the office.
Roy worked some cows with the boys.
I ran some errands.
Roy worked on the dog house problem. His last words as he went out the door was, "I will win!"
Which by the way, the dog had him convinced that she could not jump into the new and improved house as he was making her some steps!!!
"Honey, she can jump into the truck."
Oh no he tried and she wouldn't go.
So I got a treat......she jumped right in without any trouble!! He looks at me like, "you smart ass!"
I made lots of margaritas maybe too many! I woke up Sunday morning with a hickey that neither of us remember!! Roy was quite sure he didn't do it!
What??
Well, I must have done it then!

Sunday: Super Bowl Sunday!!
We went to the Casino blew a few bucks. A booze free day.
Then the game!!
Now all I am going to say is that we feel the National Anthem should be sang correctly and with out adding extra lines or an extended version. This is a very important thing to the Veteran at our house!! 'nuff said.
The coin toss was a clusterfuck. The Ref had no control over it but he did make up for it later as he took a TD from the Seahawks and also gave a TD to the Steelers. As an Okie, I am used to bad calls and Refs helping the other team and live with it......I will bitch about it but I live with it!!!
I was a little disappointed about the commercials......the magic Fridge and the Ameriquest ads were good.
And life goes on.................

Monday, April 03, 2006

Oklahoma Weather....

I should have known that Saturday was going to an awful day. It is April Fool's Day. It couldn't help but be an odd day.
It started out beautiful................in the driveway!!
7:35, I went off to work. I stopped to get my newspaper and every man and his coon dog that owned a bass boat was there fueling up and getting food for the day. What a clusterfuck! All I wanted was my newspaper!
And I have to follow 3 of them to the lake area. With a Semi coming up the wahzoo and bass boats without trailer lights stopped in the road making lefthand turns in front of me..............Wow!! I just wanted to mind my own business and go to work!
So with it being April Fool's day, I expect people to try to trick me.
I'm blonde.
It just happens!
But trying to say that someone died??? That's not funny. That still bugs me. My very most FAV Navy Pilot once sent me a joke that his crew did to him on April Fool's day. It was like a newspaper article about his ability at being a "WhackMaster ". THAT was funny!
12:02, I head home.
My drive is 10 miles and it takes me 15 minutes. I can do it in 12 but that's flying!! That's another story..............It was God's turn to throw a joke at me. He has a great sense of humor!
The storms started to roll in from the east. I could see the funnels coming down!! I thought about pulling over and getting you some pix but they went right back up just as quick as they came down!! So awesome!!
I could hear Roy's vioce in my head, "Quit dickin' around and get that car under cover before the Hail comes!!"
Now at 12:12, all the bass boats were gettin' the hell out of Dodge!! What a clusterfuck!! They WANTED out of the water!!!!! The lightening was cracking all around and they were freakin' out!!
Can't really blame them. But they are drivin' like mad men, pulling out in front of me, like that!! I just wanted to get home, get Roy and take him back to where I saw the funnels coming down.
He was mowing the YARD!!!!
He had no idea what was going on!!
He could see that I was freaked, so he said to go check it out on the TV.
The electric was off!! No surprise there, with all the lightening. We were posted out on the porch in the lawn chairs watching the skys and a lightening bolt hit so close you could see sparks coming off of it!
Awesome!!!!
No Hail!
No Tornado!!
Just Rain!
We sat there for a while eating cold chicken and bread and butter.
The electric came back on at about 2:30.
All was calm and peaceful.
What a beautiful day!!
Will Rogers said, "If you don't like the weather in Oklahoma, just wait a minute and it will change."

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Open Mouth and Insert Foot...Again!!

Less dramatic but equally as bad........
There was this funky odor yesterday around the office. I just thought maybe the BossMan had been out on a farm call and handled a dead calf or something. That is what it smelled like! Decomp!!
So just jokingly, I said, "Did you work on a dead calf? I can smell that odor and maybe you have it on your shoes or pants?"
Oh, the look he gave me!!
You would have thought I told him his dog died!
Or his daughter had her business pierced!
Or we were sleeping together again......story for another day.

"Oh, that really bugs me!! My wife has told me for the last 6 months that my hair stinks! Smell me. Smell my clothes!"

What??
Wanna get away..........I even smelled his shoes and comb.
Yep, it is his hair.
Now if Roy Hightower comes walking his HappyAss thru the door and sees me giving another man the sniff test.....Katy, bar the door!!
The Shit will Hit the Fan!!!
So I am now trying very gently and gracefully to dodge all the this and make excuses for it.......I really wanted it to be a dead calf!!
You know how you can always tell when someone is a heavy smoker. They just wreak of that odor, a miggle of body odor and ciggies.
Or someone that fishes has that fish smell on their hands.....I asked, "Have you been eating that bear?"
He killed a bear while out Elk hunting last year. I was reaching for answers!!!
I was twisting in the wind........
Then he let me off the hook...."I appreciate you telling me. I will have to try a different shampoo. Thanks."
Yep, I'm your man, for telling you that you stink!
And that you have bad breath, I have slipped him a mint a couple of times.
And I have cleaned blood off his face.
And I am the one that tells him he has a booger.
It is my job.
SOOOOOOoooo......Now I have to tell Roy.
I was feeling guilty for sniffing another man. He just grinned and shook his head. He has plans to walk in one day and say "WOOOOOO What IS that smell?"

Anybody have a job for me?? I work well with others and have a great Personality!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mr CrankyPants came back......his dog needed shots. He paid me with fives.
A lot of fives!
So I said, "Is this your poker money?"
I know he is a religous man so I didn't ask if it was for the lap dances at the local tittybar.
And he replied, "It is money from my moneytree from my anniversary party we had on Saturday."
What????
If you remember, they buried his wife on SATURDAY!!!!!!!!!
So let's me get this straight, We buried the Mrs and celebrated many year of wedded bliss with Mr CrankyPants........It that not the weirdest thing???
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Monday, March 27, 2006

Open Mouth and Insert Foot.....

It happened innocently enough. I didn't know. He excused me, he said I didn't know. But that doesn't make me feel any better...............
There is this elderly gentleman, Mr. CrankyPants, that comes in with a poodle that I groom. He is a surly man, a down right ass when he wants to be! He is one of those that makes me think of my Gramps, (cold shudder). He just takes over the room. He is the focal point.
Though I would rather deal with him than the Mr. PervyMan. Another elderly gentleman that I wish the BossMan would handle.
Mr. PervyMan "looks me up".
The BossMan said "Looks you up?"
So I, "looked him up". He blushed and I didn't even lick my lips the way Mr PervyMan does!! Now for those that don't know what it is to be "looked up", it is being looked over from head to toe and stopping at the crotch and chest area. And if you are Mr. PervyMan, there is lip licking!!
At least he doesn't blow kisses at me like Mr. MarchHare.
But I am way off base here........
Mr. CrankyPants came in and sat down with his poodle and started talking to while I was helping a lady. So I had to stop and involve him in our conversation about worms. And as I was finishing up with her, I asked about his wife. I knew she had been in the hospital about 2 weeks ago. And matter of factly he said, "Oh we buried her on Saturday." I was floored! I didn't see that one coming.
Both the lady and I started giving our condolences. And for the first time ever I felt the need to hug him. He looked frazzled. He is not the huggable type......he needs one though.
I didn't know. Geez!! I felt like a SouthWest ad!! Wanna get away........

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Just to Clarify....

1. The Boss's Wife some how has blocked me from adding pix and Backgrounds for my IM at my other address. How, I am not sure. I am not a rocket sciencist. And I so wish I could figure it out......but this way I have a new ID and now I blog. A whole new way of being non-productive!! Damn the WoMan!!
Long live the VelvetTush!!
2. I did indeed get a cramp in my foot in the middle of the fun and games.
And yes, Roy did indeed continue.
NORMALLY he is a "Lady's first sort of guy" but I guess he thought I was joking!!!!
I like most folks, tried like hell to get it out without disrupting the flow, but OMG it hurt! I finally had to tell him to stop. And I was laughing.......Which broke his concentration and "Elvis" decided to leave the building! All he had to do was let me up and work it out and we can get right back to business but NOOOOOO!!

Friday, March 24, 2006

Why VelvetTush??

I wish there was some great reasoning or tale behind VelvetTush but there really is not.
It is sort of a "Damn the Man" thing.
Or in this case a "Damn the Woman!"
I maintain several different addresses....And once again there a method to my madness.
One for Roy's family and friends.
One for ordering stuff online.
And one for my personal use. I use it to IM back and forth between the different offices that the Vet runs. I could load my own pix and have my own backgrounds.
No biggie!!
And then one day, I could not load my own stuff! I tried several different times and several different option settings and nothing worked.
The Son could change his!
I could change The Clinic's.
The Mom could change her's but I could not.
After months of frustration I found the right thing to click on and it said that SOMEONE had blocked me!!!
HUGE BIGGIE!!!!
It made total sense!!
Well, I didn't take that too lightly! I felt like I had been kicked in the gut. So I put it to the test. I opened a new address.
My purse was sitting on the desk and the ZZTop keychain was hanging out. You know the one....Silver Double Z's that one of them dangles in Legs. I bought last year at their concert. So I thought what is my favorite ZZ song.....LaGrange.....But that didn't have a good ring to it.....Tush.....Now there has to be a bazillion Tushs on the internet......so what would I want my Tush to be.....SilkTush.....No.......SatinTush....No........VelvetTush........Yes!!
And The Velvet Tush was born!
And I apparently am the only one of those..........so far!!
My old Id had indeed been blocked!!
So Damn the Man....And fat secretaries........reinventing yourself is easy when you have the right motivation!!

Thursday, March 02, 2006

The Basis of A Good Marriage??

There is a line in the Wedding Date, Dermot Mulroney says to Debra Messing, "I would rather fight with you than make love to anyone else."
I looked at Roy,"That is the basis for our entire marriage!"
He agreed.
Case and point #1:
That cramping incident came up again and he, Jerk, thought I was enjoying myself!
What??
He has a hard time discerning the different between the oooo's and AAAAHHHH's of pleasure to the owwwww's and AAARRRUUHHH's of pain.
Is it so hard to discern the difference between Oh Baby and Hey, I need up!?
#2:
After having a nice dinner at the Outback, I am quite warm. He chalks it up to me having a hotflash. Jerk!
"I am not having a hot flash, just turn on the friggin' A/C!!"
"Oh no that is bad for the truck, I shouldn't turn on the A/C at 80 mph."
What?? Like going 80 is good for it!
"It is best to have turned it on at the light and give the truck time to adapt." And he rolled down the window.
What??? Adapt???
We are not trying to release it into the wild. I just wanted some cool air!!
#3:
Has anyone seen that ad for that stupid device that cleans spots on the carpet? Now why is this device any better than good old elbow grease and some soap and water???
Roy says, "That woman isn't bitching at her husband."
What??
Where did that come from???
I am on the couch, watching TV, minding my own business.
"That man is hiding behind his newspaper and the kids are hiding behind the furniture and the dog is cowering! That woman has dropped an elbow on them a few times to garner that kind of respect!"
#4:
How about the ad where the wife is asking husband about all the really cool features that their new Dodge Ram has to offer but he won't use the directional thingy??
Roy says, "She ain't bitching at him either."
It came on right after the other ad.
"She is letting him wander around in the desert so when she kills him, she can easy dispose of his stupid ass!"
I'll betcha, he didn't turn on the A/C!!!
#5:
For whatever reason, we were watchin' the Country Music Network........that movie with George Strait, Pure Country. Neither of us could think of any songs he sang. I am not a country fan, but Roy is. And then it came to me.
"He sings the Fireman song."
"No way!"
"Do you want to put money on it?"
"No. But he didn't sing that song. It just doesn't sound like something he would sing."
Now I ask you, if he doesn't like to argue with me then why do it. We all know George Strait sings the Fireman song. But Roy Hightower wants to bicker with me.
And all this has been in the last 3 days.
There is a long list of incidents of proof that all we do is bicker, debate, and out and out fight about everything under the sun............and have really great make up sex!!

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

A Hairy Situation....

As you know, since marrying Roy, I have been placed high upon a marble pedestal and sit upon a pink satin goose down pillow with Roy guarding it from any interlopers. My hubby carries me around on that pink satin goose down pillow so that I do not touch the ground where mere mortals walk.
That being said.........
I was in the kitchen one day making supper when Roy came in to talk to me. He gripped the counter like he was a man with a great weight of problems on his shoulders.
He said, "I don't know how to start this."
OMG!!
Something is wrong with one of the kids!!!!
I, of course, have a concerned look on my face. He reaches over and takes the knife away from me. HHHHMMMM.............
"Have you done something to your hair when I wasn't looking?"
I am instantly relieved and at the same time, a little miffed. I felt a tremble thru my pedestal. He hasn't been looking??????
I Pouted, "NO!"
"So this is your natural color?"
What???
He has reached over and took hold of my pink satin goose down pillow and gave it a tug. Still pouting but a little more whiny, "Yes."
And then he yanked that pink satin goose down pillow right out from under me, "So you are a brunette?"
I hit the ground hard!!
Gasping for air, I ripped that pink satin goose down pillow from him and proceeded to beat him about the head with it!!
"Roy Hightower, you take that back or I will slap a harelip on you bigger than Dallas! (Do you know how big that it?) That is just the worst thing you have ever said to me!!!! Go wash your mouth out with soap!!"
Now he can call me a skanky ass bitch but a brunette........that is just crossing the line!!!
Is that grounds for divorce??
No wonder he took the knife!!!
I have my hair appointment scheduled for next week!

The Cane Tale.....

Before I get into the Cane Tale, let set up some backgrounds of the people in the story.
Roy's parents are in their 80's. Very Good People......quirky but aren't we all. My Glamour Shot photos are condsidered porn............Very Stanch Nazarenes.
As a child Roy was forced into church and all that goes with it. He knows just about every verse in the Bible. And takes an oath on it very seriously. He is my go to guy for those time when idiots make references to the Bible.
He never cussed a lick until going off to the Marine Corps....I think it is one of the General Orders....As A Good Marine you will Cuss Loud and Vigorously.
He never saw any movies until he in the Marine Corps. I am not sure of why the Nazarenes boycott films..........He never even saw a Disney movie!!!!
He never went to dance or party.....that was not a church function. It is all I can do to get him to dance with me nekked in the yard by the moonlight!!
Roy's sister was brought up the same way, of course. And to stay married to a gay man to me is just unbelievable but that would be against the church........to divorce! The two of them cope with it and that is their life. The upside is they are great at decorating.
I didn't not inherit any type of Martha Stewart gene. So I left my home decore to Her and My Mother inlaw. They created a shrine to Roy on one wall........it has all his pix and plaques he has been awarded over the years and not one pix of any one else.
Over the years Roy and I have gotten tidbits from farm sales and auctions. Not great stuff but odd things, hats, canes, and a paddle. Those women put all this stuff on one wall of my home. The canes were spread over the wall and they thought it would be nice to add to the collection. Roy's Sister and Brother Inlaw came up with a great buy of cane for a quarter. It was long and white, sort of rawhide looking thing. They were so proud of their find. They told the story behind it, that the last owner had made it. But that they were not sure what it was made of and apparently neither did anyone else.
I looked at Roy.
He looked at me.
"You know what this is don't you?"
Roy's face got all red, "Yes!!"
The others gathered around were quite interested becuz by this point I am laughing. Roy's dad was looking it over real close and I just could not control myself. It was just one of those pee your pants funny things.
Roy had to be the one to tell that it was part of a bull becuz I just couldn't find the right words. If I had said that it was cane made from a bull's penis I would have been banded from the family.
Roy's mother got flustered and turn about 6 shades of red and left the room.
His sister and brother inlaw didn't say a word.
His father just kept looking it over and over, saying that it just couldn't be a penis. It was just too long and wrong color.....that is was some sort of root...........now I had to leave the room to go pee.
It is proudly mounted on our wall at home with the other canes.
I can not hear the phrase "a real wall hanger" without out laughing.
They stopped buying canes and started buying me little shoes...........they can't be mistaken for a bull penis!!

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

The Weekend Review....

As I sit here thinking about the weekend, only two or three things come to mind worth blogging about.
1. We went to a concert.....Don Williams. He is NOWHERE close to Nickelback but Roy likes him. It is the Farewell Tour for Don Williams. So I guess you just have to go or wait until he has a theater at Branson like most of the oldies.
When I told my friends we were going, I joked about getting Mr Williams to sign my boob.
Once at a Rally, a motorcycle builder that had been on the Discovery Channel was there and he was signing this young lady's boob. I mulled that over and thought better of it as this was in our hometown, some one might see me that actually knows me.......I was told by My Very Best Friend to keep my boobs to myself.
Rat Spit!!
I offered my seat to Don Williams to The Very Best Navy Pilot. He declined but wanted me to send him to Nickleback with my daughter!! Yeah Right!!!
Now here is where all that information comes into play.
When I selected my the seats I was shown the seating pattern UPSIDE DOWN........Meaning, we were a lot further back from the stage that I thought we would be. I could not see Mr Williams at all I'm so freakin' short!!
And it was Roy's deal so I didn't bother to trade seats.
And he would not have put up with the Drunk Lady as well as I did!!!!
She smelled like a mix of Jovan Musk for Women and...Coors...no.....Miller lite....YES! That's it!! What a combo!!
And Yes, I had intimate relations at the concert!!
Ms Drunk Lady and me!!
I had a lap dance and I got a huge boob in stuck in my chest every time she turned around to talk the people behind us. She would leap up and yell, "WE LOVE YOU DON!" just about every song. Her husband had bugged out mid concert becuz he was so embarrassed. I told her not to worry about it and have fun!!
So when Don Williams starts to sing Tulsa Time of course all the Okies go nuts........Both of Roy's dates...me and the Drunk Lady.... are on their feet and singing along.
And somewhere along in the chorus, MS Drunk Lady says, "WE should run up there and show them our titties!" I could not help but laugh. I was told to keep mine to myself.
Then she says, "Baby, what color are your eyes?" That was all Roy could take.
Just as soon as he could get us different seats we moved.........Hey, I was having fun with the Drunk Lady!!!
And she teaches our children in a local public school....isn't that cool!!
Oh, Mr Navy Pilot you should have taken my seat!!!

2. Moes Burritoes....I took my daughter to eat there when we went shopping. We both orded "Homewreckers"!! That was the biggest burrito I have ever had!!!
I burned her a Nicklback CD and stuck the money for the concert tickets inside.............she was shocked!! "you and me??"
I wish, but "No, you and Jimbo." She was sooo much more happier for some reason!!!
Brat Kid!!
Then she says, "Mom, Nine Inch Nails is coming."
That's pushing it!!! I don't know 9inch nails from Smashing Pumpkins or Korn. The only 9inch nails song I know is the version Johnny Cash did..........so good!
I hope she has fun.
So I guess there was only two......Have a great day everyone!!

A Day Off With Roy....

So yesterday was my day off.....WOO HOO!!! I normally loll about and do JackShit........lots of JackShit.
But Roy had a dental appointment and I had a facial scheduled so we spent the day together. NOT WOOHOO!
He just messes with my inner Chi.......right off the bat he is ragging on me. We are not 2 miles from the house and he gets all pissy. I can't even remember what it was about but I put a stop to it......."Are you going to be an Ass all day or just act like one now, cuz Dude, It will not go well if you are."
"I am done." Point made.
After the dental, we are riding in silence and he says, "That woman was rubbing her boobs on me."
I mulled that over for about 2 seconds......."What is the difference in that and a nekked stripper rubbing her boobs on your old bald head?"
" Well, you don't expect it at the dental office?" Point made.
I went to my facial and if you have never had one.......DO IT!!! So very much worth it.
After it was done I called Roy to come and pick me up.............no answer.
I left a message but I know better......he is such a technophobe that he would never hear it. But I heard him pull up.......
And for his version:
He is walking out of the door at Walmart when the alarm goes off. He didn't buy anything so he didn't stop for the strip search by the Walmart Police but the alarm kept going off......when he gets out to the pick up, MY cell phone is vibrating!! He looks at it but has no clue as to what to do.........so he just drives to the salon to pick me up for me to fix it. And he tells me of this tale of the alarm and Walmart.........Ya Boob!!
It was the cell phone ringing!!!!!
We went to the casino to pass the time away before going to get our passports. I sat down at a penny machine.....I am a real big spender. I walked away with $70!! Roy walked out with $105. He plays on the $1 machines.........I just can not do that. If I lose that kind of moneyI just can't bear it....that is a facial or a great pair of shoes.
So we are standing at the post office to get our passports. We are planning an Alaskan Cruise in August that ends in Canada so I thought it best just to get passports and be done with it. I have everything needed to get them.
And the lady asked to see Roy's Social Security card...........Oooooh if looks could kill!! I'd be dead!
I told him that NOWHERE on any document I read does it state that you have to have your SSCard!!
And the lady said that it was just something she did...........I got that LOOK for nothing!!!!
Ass!!!
I sooooooo look forward to having my day off to spend BY MYSELF.......there is nothing wrong with lolling about and doing JACKSHIT!!!

Monday, February 13, 2006

Pearls From Roy....

NO, I didn't get pearls. I received AIR and Dandelions for Valentines day!!
Roy took my car down and put air in the tires very early in the am. And I had a bouquet of dandelions waiting for me when I got home........so sweet!! He and Trixie picked them. At least they are real!!
Last year, I received roses and a K&N air filter for the car. I felt guilty about the roses until I saw the receipt for the filter.
One year, I received Flowmaster exhaust pipes for Valentines Day.....well, the car did.
I have to wonder about where his heart truly lies.
He told this little tale to me.
Why?
I am not sure.
But here it is anyway..........
I pulled in the C-Store one morning where he and his crew was getting fuel for the day. Roy was in the back of the truck and didn't see me pull in but the Young and Thins did. I smiled, winked, and got my newspaper. As I backed out, I waved to Roy and went off to work. The Young and Thins asked him later, "Is That your wife?"
Roy puffed up like a peacock and stated, "That's my car!"
I felt my pedestal shake a bit but I am fine.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Debate: Real or Fake...

Subjects for discussion on Date Night was pretty weighty. After being riled up at work, I was not the best company.
Things got pretty preachy at work. I don't mind Christians. They have their place in society. I know some pretty nice ones but they keep their views to themselves and do not try to convert me. I am a spiritual person. I believe in a higher power but not religious by any means.......it doesn't make sense to me either but that's my story and I am sticking to it!!
After the sermon, I felt dirty. And that ANYTHING that was REMOTELY PLEASURABLE would lead me to Hell. Like I should wear a burlap bag, shower thongs and drink water and eat dirt!!
Roy said, "Blow it off and have another Margarita!" So I did!
On to the Debate:
Apparently at work with the boys, Roy has been discussing what to get the gals for Valentines Day. They look to Roy as he older and wiser and should by now know what to give the wives and girlfriends for the big day to keep them out of the dog house and off having wild passionate sex. One would think that he would know that but......
"The guys and I were talking about jewelry."
Of course that sends bolts of lightening down my spine. The heavens open up and the cupids start to fly, they are strumming Claire DeLune on the little harp thingies. And I don't say a word. I want to hear more.
"I thought that I would look into buying one of those rings.........(The cupids were playing a little louder.) with the 3 stones.......( 1 carat princess cut diamonds were going thru my brain....The cupids were all a twitter!!).......you know the one with the heart shaped rubies."
What???
Back the Truck up!!
You could hear the tires chirpin' and smell the brakes burnin'!!!
The cupids stopped playing.
One said the other, "He said Hearted shaped Rubies!!"
The other one replied "Oooooooh, this should be gooood!!"
"Heart shaped rubies??!
If they are heart shaped, they are lab created!!
His face went pale.
At Christmas time when he went shopping for a ring for me, he picked out the prettiest little Ruby ring. The salesgirl neglected to tell him about lab created stones. I was the one that broke the news to him. Fortunately, he had not purchased it.
And let me add a valuable piece of advice here: NEVER SIZE RINGS WHEN YOU ARE SUFFERING FROM PMS!!
"But they are soooo much prettier and they sparkle so much better that the real ones."
"Oh! Really!! I will try that on you some day. That the fake or generic is better." He hates generic things.
"With what?"
I grabbed two handfuls of boobs and shook them at him. "Real ones! You know you don't like fake ones!"
Some times, I forget that there are OTHER PEOPLE IN THE WORLD and will just do things may cause some folks some embarrassment.
Stammering for the right words. He came back with, "Name another!"
"Dr Pepper!! I will start buying you the cheap Walmart brand."
The cupids said, "Holy O'Shit, not the Dr Pepper!!"
It is bad enough he has to drink Mr Pibb in some restaurants becuz they don't serve Dr Pepper. We have gone so far as to get up and leave becuz the pop machine was broken and he couldn't get either to drink!!!!
He had no comeback for that. He just sat there with silly smile on his face......Geez Louise!! Older and wiser????
So what do you think?? Real or Fake??

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Vacations...What To Do??

Every year when I sit down and decide what my New Year's Resolution is going to be, I also decide what I want to do on my vacation. That gives me plenty of time to talk Roy into it and to save the money!
Both take time!
One year, we went to Disney World. That was so much fun!! My daughter and I had the best time. Roy was mostly there to carry the bags, take pictures, and made sure we got on the right planes.
I gave him the speech about not ruining our vacation by bitchin' and he did remarkable well. He does know how to be a grown up from time to time.
My most favorite ride has to be the Buzz LightYear at the Magic Kingdom.........Screamed every time they dropped us!! Love it!!!
One year, Roy and I rode our bikes to Sturgis, South Dakota to be apart of the biggest biker rally. What a great time!!! I rode my Harley every mile of the way....over 2000 miles round trip! Most men haven't down that!! I am quite proud of myself!
One year, we went on a cruise with some of our friends. I thought I would never get Roy on a cruise ship. The only time he had been on a ship was when he went to Vietnam.
Not an impressive trip. Or fun!
But when he found out the My VeryBestFriend and her family were going, he couldn't wait to go!! He had so much fun that every vacation he takes he wants it to be a cruise!! Not with My VeryBestFriends......me, I am just a barrel of monkeys!
But before we decided to go on the first cruise.............
Roy went to have breakfast with his biker buddies. I usually refer to them as his Bitches. And after breakfast he came by the office.
"The Boys want to go to Sturgis this year."
I never looked up from what I was doing, "Cool! Are we ridin' or trailerin'?"
"Trailerin'."
"Wimps! Are we campin' or are we stayin in a motel?"
"Motel."
"Pussies! How many of the other wives are going?"
Dead silence.
I finally looked up to see Roy with his eyes closed, gripping the counter like he was bracing himself for the storm.
"What do you mean the wives aren't going! You can't not take me! I am the only wife that knows about the "cheap burger joints"!"
Cheap Burger Joints is code for tittie bars......Roy and his Big Bitch wound up at one in Missouri one fine day. Roy felt guilty about it and spilled his guts......I just laughed!!
"There is no stick up my ass!! I am the only fun wife!!"
He leans in and very calmly,says, "And that is why you can't go!"
So when My VeryBestFriend said "Let's cruise!" We did!
And to make a long story short..........Mexican beach.....open bar.......showering with a groom.....that was not mine.......I had sand in my drawers....I wasn't nekked........Roy just stood there with his jaw in the sand......I realized what I did, " I can't ever go to Sturgis again!"
"Nope!"
We cruise in August.....Alaska......he isn't takin' any chance of there being open bars and beaches! For now!

Monday, January 23, 2006

Professional Football??

Where do I begin??
First, let me say that it is not my intent to piss off people that love any mentioned teams.......I am blowing off steam!!
For the last month or so all I have heard is, "I haven't watched any football and the season is almost over!" I, of course, got the blame becuz I see fit to have something planned.
Sundays??
What???
Okay, I admit it. I would stay home on Saturdays and watch college games and make him go shopping on Sundays. But I have not been shopping on Sundays since the first of December. OU's last game was the 22nd of November.
So I guess it is true....Okay, I am a big girl.
I admit it.
Roy is right.
Now we can move on.............
I prefer college football to professional. The atmosphere is so much different. There are bands and fight songs and cheerleaders and they make it look like they play for school. Where as pros may play for one team , one year and a different one the next.
No loyalty! It is all about the money!!
And I, honestly, I think it is just like Pro Wrasslin'! The NFL is more slick about it and they go to great lengths to make it look good. Not every one is in on it. I think the NFL is also in with the Satellite companies so everybody who wants to watch football will now have to have a satellite dish and pay for what once was free!!
Think about it!
When ever the fans dwindles, the "owner" thinks about moving the team......and poof....the city leaders are asking for more money from the taxpayers to keep the team there. Or if they need a new stadium......they threaten to move the team and what always happens?? The city rallies it citizens to "save our team". And this always seems to coincide with a trip to the Super Bowl.
Case in point....John Elway and the Broncos.....They go to the Super Bowl and Denver gets a new Mile High Stadium!
The Pats "Owner" threatened to move the team......What happened?? They stayed in Foxboro and had several trips to the SuperBowl and what the most patriot team in the league....but the New England Patriots!! It says it in their name...geez!!
Who won the Super Bowl after 911??
Was that the year that the Raiders had a bad call that went in favor of the Pats??
I don't feel that all the players are in on it...........The Referees most defiantly are, all those bad calls.
Come on!!
How long must a player hold the ball and how many feet must he travel for it to be considered a catch?? The Zebras have taken all the fun out of it.
Remember way back there when Lynn Swann would make one handed catches and those diving catches by Stallworth??? Would they considered catches now?? Drives me nuts!!!
Some of the players are in on it.....Why is it that Peyton Manning can lead his team all season long undefeated and screw the pooch so badly in the play-offs??
Tony Dungy had put together a great team in Tampa, never to make it to the Show but Al Davis pisses off Jon Gruden and he takes over the Buccaneers........They go to the Super Bowl and Who do they play??
His old team, The Raiders and Al Davis!!! And beats them soundly!!
Gruden was classy enough to give credit to Dungy for putting the team to together that got him a Super Bowl ring.
Now Dungy must have pissed off the NFL Gods becuz he has put together a damn fine team in the Colts but once again, no Super Bowl!
I could go on all day.....They move the Rams to St Louis and the Cards to Arizona, the Oilers to Tennessee and create a new team in Houston?? What is up with that if it is not a big farce??
PreGames shows, Post game shows and the game commentators.......let's not open that can of worms.
Say it ain't so, Joe, tell me it ain't so..............Professional football is not fake!!